Insomnia

Barely a single sound interrupted the silence that was enveloping the buildings of the imperial court. A cool breeze made the trees’ branches sway gently, and the round bright moon was shining from the black sky that was sprinkled with countless stars. A beautiful night, indeed. Peaceful and calm. But unfortunately not for everyone. Jinshi was sitting quietly by his chambers’ closed window and absent-mindedly contemplating the moon, taking occasional sips from a cup of wine he was holding in his hand. Wearing a pained expression on his extraordinarily beautiful face that was bathed in soft moonlight, his gorgeous eyes were filled with sorrow and tiredness, and his finely shaped lips devoid of the dazzling smile he usually put on around others. These lips started twitching a bit, as if the wine’s flavor had suddenly turned bitter, a languid sigh escaping them. The dark circles around his eyes were showing an exhaustion that couldn’t even be described with words, although it wasn’t exactly that much of a surprise given the amount of work he had to deal with almost every day. So why in the world was he sitting there, wasting precious sleeping time, instead of lying in bed and resting? Very simple. He couldn’t find any rest. No matter how hard he tried, sleep just didn’t come. Jinshi was plagued by unpleasant thoughts. Anxious, agonizing thoughts that he mostly managed to suppress during daytime while being busy with other things, but that emerged with full force and haunted him once the nighttime arrived, and he was all alone in his dark chambers. Sometimes managing to keep him awake for entire nights. Thoughts he never shared with anyone, not even with the people closest to him like Suiren, Gaoshun or Basen, who had known him for basically his entire life. Which didn’t mean he didn’t trust them, he very much did, it was just that he couldn’t make himself confess his deepest feelings. Not even to them. Perhaps some of them had already suspected something, since they knew him so well and were familiar with the burden he had to carry, but didn’t mention it in any way, so Jinshi couldn’t tell. But even if they did, it wouldn’t solve anything. It was something he had to bear and struggle through by himself. Like always. However, this time, said burden felt even heavier than usual. So heavy as though it was a physical weight, like a boulder crushing his shoulders and simultaneously an iron hand squeezing his stomach, threatening to make him collapse to the ground any moment. Consumed both from outside and inside. A big part of these awful thoughts that were eating him alive consisted of worries about what the future would bring. Mainly of the question of how long he would be able to keep that role he was playing currently and had chosen for himself: the one of being the overseer of the inner palace. Or rather how much longer he would be allowed to keep it, since he had been very lucky that his wish to occupy said role had been granted by the one he called Elder Brother in the first place. And thus, it could very well be taken from him any day. He was afraid of what would happen then, and that fear was draining his energy and leaving him mentally exhausted, in addition to the physical exhaustion produced by all his work. And he couldn’t reveal that exhaustion to anyone, for most people outside knew nothing about him apart from his “perfect”, flawless image of the beautiful eunuch — which was also very tiring to keep up, by the way — and that was it. But let’s be honest: even if he did reveal it, who would actually care? Who would understand? Right. No one. Well, Gaoshun maybe. His aide was one of the people who knew him best and like a father to him, but also a quite strict man, who valued duties over feelings. He would probably just advise him to try to endure everything the best he could, to just fulfill his duties without a second thought, no matter if they were brought onto him by himself or not. To be strong and composed at any time. To never let his guard down and show himself vulnerable. Constantly reminding him of his real position that was holding him like an iron chain and impossible to shake off, no matter how much he tried. After all, what had to be done, had to be done. Work and obligations didn’t have any mercy. But that was nothing new. Jinshi was already used to the fact that his personal feelings never really mattered, but only his actions and words, mainly the orders he gave. Only the outside, never the inside. This was how he had been raised. He still remembered painfully how his favorite toys had been taken away from him and never given back, no matter how much he cried. Instead always being replaced by new ones he had never wanted. His entire life, he had been forced to suppress his emotions in order to look dignified in everyone’s eyes. Worthy of being the one he was. He was so sick of it. So sick and tired. Letting out another sigh, Jinshi got up, stood in front of his window and opened it. The alcohol didn’t really help to numb his senses, so maybe the cool nightly temperatures would. He took a deep breath of fresh air and held his face into the wind, letting it tousle his hair and redden his cheeks. And just stayed there, closing his eyes for a moment, not caring about the fact that he wasn’t wearing a coat and risking catching a cold. And when he opened them again, they witnessed something that made him freeze for a second; there was a figure moving outside, walking slowly and passing directly near his window, almost looking like a ghost in the dim moonlight. A short, petite silhouette he would have recognized anywhere and anytime. Jinshi rubbed his eyes, just to make sure that this wasn’t an illusion, and he was seeing her for real. “Apothecary!” he called out into the darkness without thinking twice, trying to not be too loud and wondering where she was going at such a late time. The silhouette flinched and stopped abruptly, turning around into his direction. Hearing his voice out of the sudden and seemingly out of nowhere must have startled her, but she calmed down fast. As always. Finally, Maomao spotted him and came closer, stopping a few meters in front of his window and hiding her hands in her wide sleeves. “Greetings, Master Jinshi.” “What are you doing outside in the middle of the night?” “I couldn’t sleep and decided to go for a walk.” Oh. So she was suffering from insomnia as well, wasn’t she? “I see. But you still shouldn’t walk around in the dark all alone.” He knew by now that she was very much capable of looking out for herself, however, still couldn’t help but worry a bit. But instead of replying to that, she approached him a bit more and narrowed her eyes, looking thoroughly displeased with something, as far as Jinshi could tell with the help of the moonlight. “What is it?” “Have you been overworking yourself again, Master Jinshi? I have already told you several times that you should take better care of your health, I can see these circles around your eyes even in this darkness. Chronic lack of sleep can be dangerous and is not to be taken lightly.” He was a bit taken aback by that sudden scolding, but then his lips curved into a warm smile. A sincere smile, not the fake one he was wearing while taking care of his duties. Right. He had forgotten that there was one person who did care. Even if she was trying to pretend that she didn’t. “I could prepare you a remedy to help you fall asleep, if you wish,” he heard her suggest. “Oh? And why didn’t you prepare any for yourself then?” “I was planning to, if the walk turns out to be fruitless. So should I?” “Yes, please, that would be very nice.” But as soon as Maomao was about to turn around and leave, a thought suddenly flashed through his mind. “Wait! You know what? I have a better idea.” She stopped and eyed him suspiciously. “And what would that be, sir?” Jinshi stepped away for a moment and then returned, holding the wine gourd he had been drinking from in his hand. His smile had gotten wider. “I have another cup here, left from your poison testing. How about sharing this gourd with me, what do you say?” A sleep-inducing drug would be helpful, indeed, but that unexpected encounter with Maomao had made him realize that it was rather her company what he really wanted and needed. He felt that having her with him would help him to distract himself from all these agonizing thoughts better than any medicine. He had no problem letting her into his chambers at night — or at all, for she was one of the very few people he trusted enough to do that. Yes, it had reached such a point that he would even trust her with his life — the life she once had saved — without any hesitation nor afterthought. He, who was usually wary of people he didn’t know his entire life (maybe except for Lady Gyokuyou, who was treating him like a younger brother). Or rather, was forced to be wary. And, just as expected, his little apothecary’s eyes started to sparkle upon hearing his words, and she unconsciously stretched out her hands towards the gourd, like a child being offered something sweet. “How cute,” Jinshi thought. “Yes, Master Jinshi! Thank you!” Jinshi saw her intention to walk towards his residence’s entrance in order to get to his chambers, set down the gourd and waved his hand. “Don’t bother. You are right in front of my open window already, so why don’t I just pull you inside?” Yes, he was really THAT impatient for her company. Maomao froze all of a sudden and frowned, raising one of her eyebrows. He wasn’t serious, was he? She just couldn’t comprehend how childish that grown man could turn out to be. “If only the ones who are swooning over him knew,” she thought. “Surely you jest, sir.” He put his hands on his hips with a determined glint in his eyes. “Not at all. It’ll be faster this way, and you won’t have to go around the entire building and through the hallways. There’s nobody here to see us, anyway. Or is it that you don’t trust me? Don’t worry, I won’t let you fall.” Maomao could see his pouting face in the moonlight, thinking “There he goes again”. Not having the slightest desire to deal with his bratty attitude and stubbornness in the middle of the night, she sighed, stepped very close to the window and reached out into his direction. “Very well.” Jinshi smiled triumphantly, happy that she trusted him after all (not realizing that the mere fact that she didn’t hesitate to accept his invitation in the first place had already proved it), and leaned forward, stretching his upper body out of the window and grabbing Maomao under the arms, picking her up from the ground, once again amazed by how light she was. Having lifted her inside his chambers, he just stood there, still holding her at his eye level and looking at her with a wide smile, like a fisherman who had pulled in his net and found a treasure chest inside. And like that he stayed until he heard an annoyed: “Would you please put me down now, sir?” Maomao was scowling at him as if he was a huge, fat caterpillar crawling before her, her feet dangling almost thirty centimeters above the ground. Jinshi blinked a few times as though having been in a trance, chuckled and carefully put her down. He still could barely believe what spectacular turn that sad, lonely night had taken. As if some celestial being had felt mercy towards him and sent Maomao in order to save him. A few moments later, she was already sitting next to him by the window (which he had closed because it had been getting cold) and pouring herself a cup of wine with a joyful expression on her freckled face that she always wore while drinking alcohol. Having placed the gourd back, she noticed that Jinshi wasn’t reaching out for it, instead simply watching her quietly. She took a sip and looked up at him, a bit confused. Didn’t he want to share that drink with her? “Not going to have any, Master Jinshi?” “No, it’s alright, I’ve already had my fill tonight. Don’t mind me, just go ahead and drink as much as you want.” Of course, Maomao didn’t need to be told twice. Deciding that there was no reason for her to question his behavior any further, she happily emptied her cup in one go and poured herself another one, hearing a chuckle come from his direction. Enveloped by complete silence and bathed in moonlight, neither of them said a word. But said silence was not an unpleasant one, quite the contrary: Jinshi felt that there currently was no need for words, since her presence alone was making his chambers seem less cold and empty. As if she was a magical charm against fears and worries. He moved a bit closer to her without her noticing it. Maomao flinched ever so slightly and widened her eyes, as she started to feel something warm on her shoulder. Then she realized that Jinshi had placed his head there. She briefly considered saying something and already opened her mouth, but changed her mind and closed it again, deciding to pay it no mind and to simply continue drinking instead. Recognizing that she was slowly getting used to him seeking physical contact. The silence continued for a few more minutes, during which Maomao could hear and feel him shift around a bit. He was probably trying not to lean too much of his weight onto her, which she did appreciate. She turned her head slightly into his direction and noticed that he had closed his eyes. “Uhm, sir?” “Yes?” “I know you are tired, but please don’t fall asleep now.” There was a little pause. “Hm? Why?” “Because you are way too heavy for me to carry you to bed. And neither am I planning on staying with you like this the entire night.” Another pause. Then Jinshi’s laughter echoed through the dimly lit chambers. Maomao wished he would keep it down, otherwise someone might hear him. “Oh, don’t worry about that, I won’t. Just let me stay like this a bit longer, it’s really comfortable.” Maomao sincerely doubted that because of the way he had to adjust his considerably larger body in order to get into that position, but didn’t argue. Smelling a very faint whiff of alcohol coming from him, she hoped that it wouldn’t end like that other time, with him drunkenly clinging to her and refusing to let go. She really did. In the meantime, Jinshi had closed his eyes once more, relaxing and just enjoying her being there with him, as if the petite Maomao was a pillar, preventing him from collapsing. But his worries were merciless and unforgiving, still trying to break through into his mind again. And before he knew it, before having even consciously thought about it, he had already opened his mouth. “You know, there are some… unpleasant thoughts plaguing me occasionally. Worries, fears… And tonight is one of the nights they don’t let me sleep. So I’m not staying awake because I want to.” Yes, exactly. He felt so at ease with her that these words, these very words he had kept hidden for such a long time, had escaped his lips just like that. Without him even planning to say them out aloud. No, not even suspecting he would ever do that at all. However, his voice had been so quiet while pronouncing them, barely a whisper, that there was a big possibility that she hadn’t heard him at all, being busy drinking. At least, that was what he believed at first. But no, she obviously had, for he suddenly felt her hand on his back and opened his eyes in surprise. “I see,” he heard her speak. “Everyone has these kinds of thoughts from time to time, Master Jinshi, this is hardly unusual. And since you are human too, I don’t see why you should be an exception.” He was completely baffled for a few moments, but then chuckled. “Not a celestial nymph, but just an ordinary human, huh?” She took a big sip from her cup before replying. “Yes. Not really that ordinary since you are a noble, but still human. A human who can get hurt.” These words stirred something inside Jinshi. That was it, that was what he had yearned to hear almost his entire life. That he was something more than just the position he had been born in. Just a human with human feelings that didn’t differentiate him from others. “And besides, I don’t think anyone would call you a celestial nymph if they knew how you really are.” There was slight mockery in her voice now. He didn’t know what face she was currently making, but could easily picture her grin. “What’s that supposed to mean?” He started pouting again. But Maomao didn’t reply, instead emptying her cup and placing it beside her. And after a few moments, Jinshi perceived a stifled yawn coming from her, which made his heart melt. “Oh? Have you gotten sleepy, after all?” he asked gently. “Yes. I think I might finally be able to fall asleep. I should probably head back now. Thank you for the wine.” He felt a bit disappointed at that, but had to admit that she was right. He really couldn’t keep her there the entire night, as much as he wished to, since that would be way too much to ask. And besides, he was starting to feel sleepy as well, after having relaxed on her shoulder. Jinshi raised his head and faced Maomao with a mischievous smile on his lips. “You know, you can always spend the night he-…” But before he could even finish that sentence, she had already dedicated him a glare as if he was a bug chewing on one of her precious medicinal herbs, making him raise both hands in an appeasing gesture. “That was just a joke, haha!” “I certainly hope so,” she grumbled quietly and finally got up. He accompanied her to the door, because this time, she obviously wouldn’t use the shortcut through the window. However, before leaving the room, she stopped for a moment, turning around to Jinshi and looking him in the eyes. “Should I maybe prepare you a remedy after all? Just in case. As I said, chronic lack of sleep is not to be taken lightly.” Her words made him smile again. He raised his hand and lovingly ruffled her hair. “No, it’s fine, I feel much better now. You’ve already done enough, thank you.” A few moments later, she was walking with a slightly annoyed face through the dark hallway, arranging her hair that had been tousled by his large hand before. Wondering what exactly he was talking about, since, in her opinion, she hadn’t done anything to deserve his gratitude.