Shadows of the past

I took one last look at my hallway, making sure I hadn’t forgotten anything, and closed the door. How should a person who leaving his home feel? I didn’t feel anything — neither sadness nor joy. Emptiness. Although who am I kidding — after so many years this place has not become my home. It is not surprising that as soon as the opportunity to leave arose, I could not afford to miss it. If only I could erase everything that happened here from my memory… I have lived almost my entire adult life in a small village in the city of Gyeonggi-do. Probably, one cannot call it poor, but there is another problem — time would stand still here, and with it the lives of people. Nothing happened here, nothing has changed, but what’s worse is that none of the locals want this. In the morning everyone goes to work, in the evening they go home the same way. Day after day, year after year. Smiling here is considered bad manners, and if others are in a good mood, at best they will consider you crazy. Residents call this oppressive atmosphere the hopelessness of stability, but I have always perceived its cells as bars that are saturated with despair. I once left Chuncheon for several years, but after graduating from university I returned again. This was reminiscent of the plot of a mystical game script, in which the heroes did not leave the cursed place — they always returned back, because it was predetermined by fate and the script. However, in my situation there was no transition to a higher power — it was all about my father. He didn’t want to move anywhere, and I didn’t want to leave him alone. Our relationship was far from exemplary, and sometimes it seemed that our common home was an internal thread that had connected us lately, but I never dared to destroy it. Everything was decided by itself when my father passed away a month ago — then I realized that if I didn’t change something now, I would be stuck here forever. - Ms. Baek Na Ri! — a loud voice right behind me pulled me out of my memories and forced me to finally open the door handle and turn around. — All the boxes were installed in the car. Our transport goes to Seoul only twice a week, the next day of transport is tomorrow, so due to the pandemic you will have to be without your things. But once you get settled in your new apartment, make room. - Yes, you said, I remember. It’s not a problem. - Tomorrow during the day the dispatcher will contact you, so please stay in touch. - OK, thank you. - Is there anything else I can do to help? - No, no, that’s it. - Then please write here, — the transport company’s loader deftly turned the pages of the contract, despite the fact that the wind was trying to knock the stack of documents out of his hands. — And here. Soooo. Here, keep this copy of the contract, saving it until you receive the items. - Yes, sure. - Have a good trip! We will go too, we were already waiting for the next address. - Thank you. I hope you manage to finish the job before it starts to rain. - Let your words be prophetic! Although we are not afraid of rain, because we have super delivery! Ha ha! The loader jumped into the passenger seat, and the car, in the back of which my whole life was placed, began to move away from the house. I, looking at the lead clouds hanging so low that it seemed that you could reach them with your hand, hurried to open the application for calling a taxi on my phone. “The car will arrive in 6 minutes.” What luck! In our area, taxis did not come often, and I was preparing myself to expect no less success. Well… Maybe this is it — a new life, huh? A life in which ordinary household trifles do not take up much energy and time, frees up space for truly important things. The taxi arrived even before the stated time, and the driver, assessing the size of my suitcase, was immediately released from the car. - Good afternoon! — in response, the gloomy man was only silent. Entering for the last time, he casually threw a cigarette on the road, opened the trunk and lightly moved the lid in my suitcase, as if it weighed nothing. — Thank you. We drove to the city in absolute silence, but this time I was rather glad to have such a taciturn companion. I didn’t want to think about anything, although thoughts persistently entered my head. I tried to focus on the landscape outside the window, which I might never see again. It turned out extremely badly — advice about the correctness of my decisions hung heavily, and I was on the verge of accidentally turning around and going home. The more I think about calming myself down, the more difficult it becomes to watch the sudden tears come. Come on, Baek Na Ri, pull yourself together! You will thank yourself for this later! When the driver broke the silence, I realized that we had already stopped in Yanja. -Where should I drop you off? - Over there, behind the intersection. No more questions arise. When we parked, the driver still disconnected from the car and took my suitcase out of the trunk. - Thanks a lot. He nodded, lit a cigarette and, returning to his place, suddenly stopped and looked at me, which took me by surprise, forcing me to lower my gaze. - I hope that everything will work out for you where you are going. - Th-thank you… — I was so surprised that my voice sounded quieter than usual, but the taxi driver, without waiting for my answer, got into the car and pressed the gas pedal. There was almost an hour left before the regular bus. We’ll have to wait here, there are no other options anyway. I walked towards the bus station when I felt the first raindrops fall from the sky. Having settled down on the edge of the bench, I pulled my suitcase closer to me, took out my headphones from my side pocket, turned on my favorite playlist and began to wait. People gradually gathered, huddling closer together, because the rain intensified, and the roof of the station could not accommodate everyone. After some time, noticing the excitement among the people, I realized that a bus was approaching. Having put their things in the luggage compartment, all passengers took their places. The door closed with a creak and the bus moved off. This was my point of no return. After half an hour of travel, I felt that my head was starting to hurt. Well… There’s still so much to go. There were painkillers in my bag, but I didn’t think at all about taking water with me. Between the bitterness of the pills and the migraines, the choice was obvious. I chewed two tablets with such a crunch that it seemed like the whole bus could hear them. What an abomination. Why haven’t they made delicious medicines not only for children, but also for adults, huh? After a quarter of an hour, the pills took effect, and I began to feel sleepy, which I did not resist. When I opened my eyes, it was still raining outside the window, but it was already dark. There were dim lights on the bus — someone, like me, was sleeping, someone was sitting with a book, someone was watching a movie. I turned back to the window, trying to see something, but nothing was visible except the blinding light of the car headlights. Yes, you won’t envy drivers driving in such darkness, and even in such weather. At that moment, a meaningful curse came from the bus cabin, from the context of which I understood that someone had overtaken us and poured water on the windshield. If this was the case throughout the entire trip, then my sleep was nothing short of a blessing. The lights of the city appeared in the distance, which meant that we would soon arrive in Seoul. The first thing I noticed when we entered the city was that there was no rain here. Hmm, maybe my newly acquired luck is still with me. Upon arrival, the bus passengers unpacked their luggage and began to disperse in different directions. When I began to look around in search of the exact address, I saw a young man confidently heading in my direction. - Ms. Baek Na Ri? - Yes it’s me. - Hello! It’s so good that I recognized you right away! How did you get there? - “And we?… — I made some vague movement with my hand in the air, trying to understand whether I should know him and why. - Oh, no, we don’t know you personally. Sorry, please, I didn’t introduce myself. My name is Jo In Ho. My colleague was supposed to give you the keys to the apartment, but he stayed late in the office and entrusted it to me. - This is good news, because, to be honest, I was a little confused when I got off the bus and was about to call him. - He was so busy that he forgot to warn you, but the main thing is that we met, — the guy smiled affably, and it was so unusual that I involuntarily smiled back. — This folder contains all the rental documents, two sets of keys and our business cards — you can call with any questions. This copy of the contract requires your signature, and I dare not detain you any longer. - Yes, of course, here? - Yes, yes, that’s right. Oh… — he looked at my suitcase with sympathy. — I would offer you a ride, but I have another meeting today. - I’ll get there myself, don’t worry. - Let me at least call you a taxi. - Don’t worry, I can call myself a taxi. But if anything happens, I have a business card to call with any questions. - Okay, — he smiled broadly again. — I hope you enjoy your stay in our city. - I already like. - Goodbye! - Goodbye. The taxi arrived almost immediately after ordering, but the driver did not get out. On the second try, I was able to pack my suitcase so that the trunk closed and got into the car. Of all the trips today, this one was the most comfortable — pleasant music was playing in the cabin, and it was as if we were floating through the evening city. Seoul was the way I remembered it as a child — bright, noisy, beautiful. It seemed that one could even breathe more freely here. We drove through district after district, and I admired every street, still not believing that I would live here again. Remembering my doubts, because of which a few hours ago I almost deprived myself of my dream, I laughed quietly. This move is my best decision, now I fully realized it. This is a chance to start my life again and make it the way I want it. We stopped, and I automatically began to look for the address sign on the house. - You go upstairs. You can’t get to this house by car. I looked a little to the right and saw the stairs. And here is the first test in a new life — to overcome all the steps on the way to your goal, literally and figuratively. - Oh… Thank you for the advice, — I would hardly have decided to go up there myself. — Goodbye. I pulled out my suitcase and headed towards the stairs. Come on, it’s not that tall. And there’s only one suitcase. And not that heavy. I started my ascent quite confidently, but after two-thirds of the way I realized that I was tired. There was no point in taking a break — the suitcase did not fit on the step, and I still had to hold it, so, slowing down the pace, I continued to climb further. Once at the top, I exhaled noisily. - Remember, Baek Na Ri, tests are given to a person according to his strength. Satisfied with my small victory, I walked along the street, trying to find the right house. There was practically no lighting on the street, and there were no people at all. I couldn’t even believe that just a ten-minute drive from here life was in full swing. After passing a few houses, I saw a bookstore, from which a man came out and began to wipe the glass of the window. If he works here, he can definitely help me. - Sir, excuse me, can you tell me where house number sixteen is? I walked almost the entire street, but didn’t see a single sign with a number. Without turning around, the man extended his hand upward and pointed to the sign with the number “16”. - Oh, I didn’t notice. Thanks a lot. Does he also communicate with customers? Does he silently point to the shelves where the books he is being asked about are located? It’s like returning home. There were two doors in the building — one led to the store, which meant I needed the second one. When I entered the entrance, I saw the stairs again. Third floor… Well, nothing, but there is access to the terrace, and it’s worth it. Having climbed three flights of stairs, I found the apartment with the desired number, inserted the key I took out of the folder into the lock and… The lock jammed. The key did not turn in either direction, and it was also impossible to pull it out. - For fuck’s sake… I thought that in a city like this all the locks had been electronic for a long time… I grumbled as if that would help matters, never giving up trying to get the key to move in any direction. - Electronic ones are less reliable. In surprise, I jumped and pressed myself against the wall on the side of the door. Turning around, I saw a man who was at the bookstore. - Scared! Why sneak up like that?! He stood two steps below the landing, leaning on the railing, and condescendingly watched my torment. He looked to be about forty, his face looked pale and tired, but one could not help but notice his chiseled features and piercing gaze. - I didn’t sneak up, you’re just inattentive to what’s going on around you, — his calm tone angered me even more, but I understood that he was not to blame for anything, so I just moved my suitcase closer to the wall, freeing up the passage to the stairs, which led upstairs. - Come on in. - Do you need help? — in the current circumstances, it was stupid to refuse, even if this help is offered by a very dubious man. I silently moved away from the door, giving way. He tried to turn the key, which, as expected, ended in failure, after which he pushed the door with his shoulder and easily opened the lock. - Ready. The stranger handed me the key that had been released from captivity in the lock, and only when he was so close to me did I appreciate how tall he was. With undisguised disbelief, I pressed the door handle, pulled the door towards me, and despite my skeptical attitude, it easily opened. - Wow, thanks! - You’re welcome, — the man shrugged indifferently. - If it weren’t for you, I would have to spend the night on the street. - Don’t be dramatic. While I was rolling this damn suitcase into the apartment and turning over in my head options for how to end this awkward conversation, the man himself closed the door, and I considered this the best ending to our sudden acquaintance. I turned on the light, ready for anything, but there were no more unpleasant surprises — the apartment completely corresponded to what was in the photo. It was small, but very cozy. And why do I need more? A bedroom, a bathroom, a fairly large kitchen where I planned to organize a workplace for myself — that’s all I needed for life. The moment I saw the kitchen sink, I realized how thirsty I had been all this time. After drinking a glass of water in one gulp, I poured myself a second one and went out onto the terrace — the main reason why, of all the proposed housing options, I chose this one. The terrace was divided into two apartments, but in the middle there was a small partition, conditionally dividing it into two parts. The view was amazing. Another person would most likely consider it ordinary, but I was fascinated by this feeling, as if I was floating above the city. I could hear the noise of the streets in the distance, and I liked it, but even more I liked the fact that this area was so calm, because a house is still needed for relaxation and privacy from the whole world. I raised my eyes to the sky and saw the stars — and here’s the advantage of the fact that in this area there is no bright lighting like in the city center. - Like? — my meditative silence was broken by a quiet male voice. - Are you following me or what? — I continued to look at the starry sky, because there was no doubt about who this voice belonged to, the timbre was too memorable. - I’ve lived here for more than ten years, and in the last half hour I’ve seen you for the third time. Will you insist that I am the stalker? - Technically, you didn’t see me the first time because you didn’t even turn around when I asked the question. - You were reflected in the store window. - That’s how it is… — I drank the rest of the water. — I didn’t expect that we would be neighbors. - You were too distracted by your suitcase when I entered the apartment opposite. - Excuse me, I have pathological inattention, what kind of demand can there be from me? - You yourself added about pathology. Only now did I turn my gaze to the stranger. He sat in a chair, held a book in his hands and looked thoughtfully into the distance, as if I wasn’t here at all. - Do you often sit here like this? - Yes. - Do you like to be alone? - Listen, — the man turned his gaze to me and looked straight into my eyes so that I unconsciously stepped back half a step. — I have nothing against you personally, but the fact that we became neighbors by chance does not make us friends. I hope this is clear. - I’m not trying to become your friend, I just wanted to support the conversation that you yourself started. - It was nothing more than politeness to indicate your presence. And in order to avoid misunderstandings in the future, I’ll say right away that during non-working hours I try to minimize the number of conversations. - I’m not interested in talking, so don’t worry, my stay won’t cause you any inconvenience. I returned to the apartment and when I slammed the door I heard a muffled “Good night.” What a psycho. Tomorrow you will need to call the agency and tell them that when they offer an apartment, they warn that it comes with a sociopathic neighbor as a bonus. It’s good that at least there is a partition on the terrace. It will be necessary to think about how to install some kind of wall there so that neither half of him nor himself can be seen at all. Walking past the refrigerator, I remembered that I hadn’t eaten anything since the morning, but I no longer had the strength for anything and the only thing I wanted was to go to bed as soon as possible. After taking a shower, I washed off all the fatigue of the day, put on my favorite pajamas and went to bed. It’s always hard at the beginning, no matter what you undertake, but if you work hard, it will become easier every day, and since I started this path, I promise myself that I will go through it to the end.