ᴛᴡɪʟɪɢʜᴛ sᴘᴀʀᴋʟᴇ ɢᴏᴇs ᴛᴏ ʀᴇᴀʟ sᴏᴠɪᴇᴛ ʀᴜssɪᴀ

      Darkness. But then the main character opens her eyes and comes to her senses. — Oh, my head! — she said through moans, grabbing her head with her hooves and trying to get up. She stood up on all fours and looked around. — Where am I? — she asks herself out loud. Everything around was so realistic and beautiful. Forest and nature. And a little different. Not like the evergreen forest they have in Equestria. — Hm. Now I am one hundred percent convinced that I am not in Equestria. What kind of place is this? And then a purple pony with wings and a horn saw someone’s city with very large houses, somewhat similar to Manehattan. Only there was no green Statue of Liberty with a pony holding a torch in her hoof. Moreover, the types of houses are slightly different. She became curious and decided to go there. Well, how to go? Flew. On her wings she flew there in one minute, since the city was far from her. Having examined the entire city, she saw its inhabitants. The inhabitants were somewhat similar to people from a parallel universe in which she had once been. Only everyone does not have a different skin color, but the same one — peach. Everyone was the same, no matter how rude it may sound to them. At least that's what Twilight herself thought. Suddenly her nose smelled some pleasant smell of baking. She followed the smell, like a dog, and the smell led her to a bakery, where they prepared the hottest and most delicious buns, bread, loaves, gingerbread cookies, doughnuts, cheesecakes, rolls and other pastries. Twilight remembered that she had not had breakfast since the morning and really wanted to eat. Luckily, she had a bag of gold coins with her. So she'll basically buy herself a couple of buns and pay for it. When she walked in, she saw the pie cooling under the air conditioning. She extended her right wing to take it and suddenly a strange guy in a white T-shirt and with black short hair suddenly appeared. It even seemed that he was probably bald. He jumped out sharply and shouted with excitement: — DO NOT TOUCH THIS PIE OR YOU WILL BURN YOURSELF!!! The princess was frightened by the sudden appearance of this man and stepped back with bulging eyes, almost screaming. The man calmed down and spoke calmly with a slightly quiet and gentle accent: — Sorry, didn't mean to scare! This pie was just baked and came out of the oven. You have to wait until it cools down. — A! That's what they would have said right away. Why scare me like that? — the princess was indignant. — Wow! Can you still talk? — the man was surprised, smiling, and looked around the pony. — Since childhood, I listened to fairy tales from my mother about small and cute horses with horns and wings, which are called unicorns and pegasuses. I even dreamed of seeing them live someday. But I didn’t think that there were horses with a horn and wings at the same time. Twilight was touched and answered him: — Well, actually, it’s customary for us to call each other just ponies. Yes, and I'm an alicorn. More precisely, before I was a unicorn, but now I have long become an alicorn and a princess. — So you’re a local from the West? — the man asked. — Well, I... — the pony wanted to answer something, but the man interrupted her: — Do not say! Welcome to the Soviet Union. — he said, stretching out both arms to the sides and at the same time looking around. — Soviet Union?... Do you mean I’m in Russia? — Twilight asks, also looking around. — Well, where do you think you are? In Ukraine or what? Or in Kazakhstan? — the man asks with a grin and laughs quietly. Twilight just looked gloomily and the man, removing his smile, calmly answered: — Well, yes, you guessed right. We are located in Russia. Or rather, in Moscow itself. I can give you a tour of my entire city if you want? — Really? — the princess smiled and followed this man. She became very interested in looking at this city called Moscow and this whole country known as Soviet Russia. — By the way, my name is Jack Makaronov. The surname was created by my great-grandparents in honor of pasta. What's your name, beauty? — the man introduced himself. — Twilight Sparkle. — the princess introduced herself. — Twa... Wa... Wiylo... — Jack didn’t understand the filly’s name a little. — Sorry, it’s just that in Russia no one bears such American names and surnames or calls each other. Maybe you can explain it in letters? — Fine! — Twilight replies and repeats her name letter by letter. — T. W. I. L. I. G. H. T. S. P. A. R. K. L. E. — A! Twi-i, li-ight, Spa-ar, kle-e? So? — the man asked and Twilight nodded. — Phew, I just said it. Your name is complicated. Maybe it can be shortened somehow? If you don't mind of course? — Well, you can just call me Twily. — Twily? Fine. This is what I will remember. — Jack answers and begins a tour of Moscow. — As you saw, Twily, we in the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics, or USSR for short, live happily and amicably. Nobody argues or quarrels with anyone. Everyone always lives not for themselves, but for the sake of others and always helps each other. We always make the most delicious bread and sell and sell the most edible fruits and vegetables from gardens without chemicals. — then Jack sat on Twilight’s back and they flew up to quickly explore the entire city. They flew from one place to another and Jack talked about each place in turn. We have a school here and children always go to school in school uniforms. Here we have banks where you can store your remaining money for a rainy day. Here we are constructing a new building and they work from morning to night and earn good money. Here we have the east tower. Here is the western tower. Here is a prison where dangerous criminals, of whom there are few, are kept, as well as lazy people in correctional labor because they refuse to work. Here we have an amusement park. This is Moscow Square. There are traffic jams from a lot of cars. Here is the White House, where the president rules the entire country. Here is the city hall, where the mayor monitors the order in our city. This is the airport. Here is a village in the Moscow region, next to our city. There are traffic jams here too. Here is the Pushkin Museum. There is a children's cafe here, where they sell the most delicious ice cream for children and adults. Here is the Soyuzmultfilm animation studio, where we make our own cartoons and films. Here we work on programming and communize all the technologies from the West, so that we can have something similar, but our own. There is a large and beautiful green park, and in the center of the park there is a monument to Lenin. Here we have a police station. There's a hospital here. There's a fire station here. There's a gas station here. There is a car manufacturing plant here. There is a condensed milk production plant here. There is a clothing factory here. There is a shoe factory here. There is a canning factory here. But here... Oh, no! There is also a factory here... For the production of chocolate. It’s true that it’s a little bitter, but it’s healthy and doesn’t make you fat. The princess was very interested in watching all this and listening to Jack tell her about all this. True, she was a little embarrassed by one thing. Why is everything here not the same as she saw in films about this very country? — All this is certainly interesting. But I don’t understand, why don’t you have snow? — Snow? In summer? You must be joking? There is no snow in summer; even a fool knows perfectly well that snow always falls only in winter. It's June and it's hot. — Jack explains to her. — Really? — Twilight didn’t believe what she heard. She always saw in all the films and even heard from her friends that it always snows in Russia, both in winter and in summer. But here it’s the other way around. Summer is hot and without snow. Everything is just like what they have in Equestria. She always believed that in Soviet Russia everything was always the opposite than in the rest of the world. Although she also heard that it’s the other way around, wings and magic control the ponies themselves, and not ponies control magic and wings. Although she herself is excellent at using her wings, she flies well and even still controls magic well to pick up and hold objects. Having finished the excursion, they land next to the same children's cafe that they had already flown past. Twilight and Jack went there and decided to have a snack. — Please tell me, Jack, do you sell bitz? — she asks him, showing her bag of gold coins. Jack took one, examined it, checked its strength and made sure that it was real and pure gold. — Uh... Gold is real, but we don’t trade in these types of money. Our currency is rubles and kopecks. — And what is it? — Twilight asked and Jack showed her his paper bill in the form of one hundred rubles, as well as two coins, one of which was one ruble, and the other fifty kopecks. Twilight examined them and was amazed. — Well, you have currency. It looks like you really have at least something the other way around than in the rest of the world. — What can do? In our country, such money appeared a long time ago and it is customary to trade only with it. — Jack answers, and then patted the princess on the head. — Don’t worry, since you are our guest and I trust you with everything, I can pay for you myself. — Okay, I agree. I’m even wondering, do you sell vodka? Jack bulged his eyes at what he heard and, indignant, began to speak in a slightly rough accent: — What other vodka? We are a country of healthy and normal people, not alcoholics. In our country, no one sells or ever drinks alcohol. We drink only tea, coffee, lemonade, juice and mineral water. — Seriously? Don’t you wear earflaps? — Twilight asked, and this outraged Jack even more. — Ushanka hats? Are you serious? In our country, no one has worn such garbage for a hundred years, since the Russian Empire of Nicholas II collapsed. In winter, everyone wears only ordinary hats, either with pompoms or without them, and sometimes they wear jackets with hoods. — Okay, okay, don't be angry. But at least you have bears as pets. Jack became even more indignant and shouted so loudly that everyone in the cafe began to look at him as if he were crazy. — DO YOU THINK AT LEAST A LITTLE BIT BEFORE YOU BLUNT OR NOT??? BEARS ARE WILD ANIMALS!!! PREDATORS!!! THEY LIVE IN THE FOREST AND EAT PEOPLE IF ANY HUMAN DARES TO ENTER THEIR TERRITORY!!! WE NEVER BREED THEM AS PETS!!! WE HAVE ALWAYS ONLY HAD PETS: MICE, HAMSTERS, CATS AND DOGS!!! — After screaming, the pony tried to calm him down, giving him a head massage with magic, which made Jack relax and smile. — That's it, calm down! Don't get excited! I understood everything. Sorry, I didn't mean to offend you like that. It’s just that we showed your country in our films and TV series, and everything was shown there the way I imagined your country. But here everything turns out to be different from what we showed. Jack was even more indignant, but this time he took a breath and asked: — Do you want to know what we think about these films? — Well... I want to. — Twilight answers. She became interested. — We, Russian people, and especially Soviet ones, are infuriated by all these lies that you show about us in such stupid American films and TV series, you are stupid Americans. Aren't you ashamed to lie about us? We have never had snow in the summer, we have never bred bears as pets, we have a country without almost alcohol and leads a healthy lifestyle, and moreover, we are never rude to anyone and are not so cruel, because we sometimes have conscience and we are all good people. We are not soulless robots, but individuals who can also sometimes suffer and cry or even joke. No one has been producing matryoshkas and balalaikas here for a hundred years and never sells them again, because we have long been making other musical instruments and other toys, just like you do in the West. Moreover, not everything in our country is associated with just one red color. Sometimes we love and use other colors. For example blue, yellow, black or even white. We also never had our own superhumans with superpowers and no one was ever a supervillain. In general, our whole country is kind and almost no one is evil. Or rather, not everyone here is evil, like you always lie about us. Our country is working for a bright future for our children and their descendants, so that they have a bright future and heaven on Earth, but your country is evil with your capitalism, on the contrary, and there are those same villains who are trying to take over the whole world and have long turned it into hell , where most people are homeless and cannot find a job, and the level of crime is the highest, while in the Soviet Union we have almost no crime and bandits. Or rather, there are, but there were few of them compared to other countries around the world. The only one among the bandits who we remember is Chikatilov. It's not the other way around with us. In our country, all the laws of physics and magic are the same as throughout the world. And besides, in your stupid films and TV series, the characters who supposedly live in our country do not speak Russian at all, but some kind of rubbish that even we do not understand at all. I want to ask you right away. Was it really so difficult for you to learn to speak correctly with our Russian accent, so that even we could understand you perfectly, otherwise you are talking some kind of nonsense. For example, instead of the normal Russian word “Privet”, you pronounce it as “Parivuet”. What nonsense? We never say such nonsense. And by the way! We have never had such nonsense as... What do you call it?... Pivonka?... This is actually the first time I’ve heard about this nonsense, since we’ve never had anything like this before. No one here invented any non-existent words related to alcohol, much less equated it with dancing. And no one among us is evil or cruel, much less rude to each other. You stupid Americans have been infuriating us for a long time with your lies about us in your stupid Hollywood. As a couple, we ourselves sometimes want to take revenge on all of you for all these stupid stereotypes. And you want to know how we want to do it?... And like this! Come up with your own superhero film about your real Soviet superheroes, and in your Garbage Bin show all your superhumans as supervillains who want to take over the whole world and destroy it, turning it into a real hell. And also to show your entire North America as a hot desert, even in winter, without snow and without water, where you will walk half naked and raise crocodiles as pets. Would you yourself be pleased by such Americanophobic stereotypes? So we are not pleased by the Russophobic stereotypes that always lie about us. You've been pissing us off for a long time now. And by the way. Considering that tolerance has begun in your stupid country, I will also add that in our country, and even more so in the Russian Empire and ancient Rus', there have never been LGBT people or negros at all. Never. And even more so, you stupid Americans have no freedom of speech at all, which you are lying about. Indeed, in fact, there are simply your black people like youngsters of whispering, they are offended by white -skinned people for calling them black's or negro's. Although they call themselves as such. Not fair! It’s the same as if we, white people, forbade blacks to call themselves people, but we ourselves would call each other people. But you can’t express all this normally to your face, since you are all pathetic offended people who get offended by all sorts of trifles and even refuse to help someone because he is accused because of some trifle. That's why we, Soviet and Russian people, hate all of you stupid Americans, and call you stupid, because you are really stupid compared to us. You don’t have freedom of speech, which you lie about, and you are stupidly offended by any trifle or statement. And the fact that you banned old films that depicted stereotypical Indians with negro's, such as in Disney cartoons, which we love and watch on TV almost every day, should generally cause you shame and disgrace, in while our conscience is absolutely clear. While Twilight was listening to all this, she narrowed her eyes and was silent for a long time. And then she still answered: — Actually, I’m not American, but Equestrian! Jack grabbed his head in anger and even wanted to swear, but fortunately he restrained himself and tried to calm down again. Taking a deep breath, he says: — Okay, Twily, I'm sorry! I just wanted to express myself somehow and for you to understand that we are tired and that we are infuriated by all these lies that you tell about us. Understand? — Yes I understand. — the princess comes up to the man and wraps her left wing around him, like a hand, to hug him. — I believe you, especially after seeing your world differently. Not the way we showed him. But I am sure that the magic of friendship can solve this whole problem. — For example, change all these films so that from now on they show only the truth about us and real normal Russians with real normal Russia? — Jack asked. — I don’t know about that... But... Yes, the magic of friendship can solve any problem. And I myself am the princess of the magic of friendship. Therefore, I promise you that I will come up with something on this topic. Jack smiles and bursts into tears, almost crying, after which he hugs the princess. — Thank you, Twily. Twilight hugs Jake back. After that, they forgot about their conflicts and disagreements and went to the counter. Jack places two paper bills on the counter, each containing ten rubles, and says: — Waiter, two scoops of chocolate ice cream with strawberries! For me and my girlfriend please!