Another Robinson

The tiresome sun pierced through my eyelids, scorching my brain. The roar of the tide thundered in my ears. I lay crushed and battered by the sea that had rejected me. It too had rejected me. Cast me aside. Refused me. Parched, damp, and shattered, I shriveled and crumbled away. Everything around felt gritty, hazy, and loose. Everything felt sandy. My tongue felt like sandpaper. Or was it sand in my mouth? Sand under my hands. Sand in my head. The blinding sun in my head. The roar of the tide in my head. His scream in my head. "Shut up, you!" I leaped up, and in an instant, the sun dimmed, the noise became muffled, and the engulfing void pressed me back into the sand. Hot and sticky. I crawled towards the water. Hobbled towards the water. Shuffled towards the water. Seeking to cool my head, to gather my shattered thoughts, to wash away the searing fragments. I stumbled. Scattered around me, my shirts stretched their sleeves to me, tugging me closer. Broken suitcases. Some other things. My belongings. Worthless witnesses of my downfall, they attempted to encourage me. Why are they here? What is the use of them now? I gazed downward. Everything around felt unfamiliar. Where have I found myself? What kind of island is this? My new home? My prison? My sanctuary? My grave? What kind of drug can numb this pain? God, I needed to drink! The cold rock tile brought me to my senses. I heard the sound of a stream. I traced the flow. Water. Whether to drown me or to save me - it didn't care either way. It was indifferent. "In-dif-fe-rent," I took several sips and submerged my head. Ice. Shock. Damn! Disaster. Shipwreck. I remembered our screams. Growls. The clatter of dishes. The explosion of a door slamming shut. "Get back to your mother!" A deafening bomb that tore our ship apart. Tore our lives apart. My life. Apart. I was thrown back by the shockwave down the stairs and ejected through the entrance door right into the sea. Cracks. Splash. Cold. I was choking on the salty water. Thrashing in hysteria. I sank and reached out to the dissolving silhouette. "Won't he cast a lifeline? Will he throw me out like this? After all we've been through? Just like that?" I must hold myself. Chaos obligingly laid down a crumpled towel for me. To huddle up. To cover my sight. So warm. So soft. Like in his hands. I clung tighter. Hope swayed me to the rhythm of the tide. I can still fix everything! I'll send a letter in a bottle across the waves. I'll light a signal fire. The sea won't hinder! He will search for me. He will send the rescue. We'll repair the ship and make it to shore. He will return. He will call. And say... Say... No!!! Everything went flying: the towel, the splashes, the curses. "Hypocrite! Ignorant! It's your fault! Choke on that! I hate you! I hate you!" - to hell with the fire, to hell with the rescue, - "It was nothing, got it?! Nothing happened! Nothing! You're nothing!" "Moron! Scum! Asshole!" - I bled my hands with punches. "Scum! Asshole! Bastard!", - I grabbed and threw. Ran, grabbed and threw. My pitiful belongings peered at me from a safe distance as I ran past them. "Moron! Scum! Idiot!", - I was out of breath, I felt weak, dizzy. My sight blurred. Perfect! Embrace me, darkness. I ran into some crappy cave, slammed an idiotic door, stumbled stupidly, fell, gasping for air. I don't care! Here I will remain. Forever. AND EVER! EVEEEEER!!!" "AAAAAAAAAAAAA!", the cavern echoed in my support. Inky darkness. "Moron... idiot... fool...", I muttered through my sleep. "Who's the fool? Could it be me? Remember that night? If only I hadn't drunk like a scum, if only I hadn't acted like a moron. Disgusting idiot!", Oh God, why did I even wake up?! - "But I'll.. I'll quit drinking! Never liked it really. Only in his company. Only with him. I'll change myself. For good! On this damned island, in this damned cavern, there's not a damned drop anyway. I'll get myself in order... What else? I'll catch up with all the books I missed. I'll learn to play the guitar properly. Like I always wanted. And then he'll see! He will see! And I will see him." And I saw him; not opening my eyes. Yet his smile, his gaze, his gait, his poise were all but clear to me. How we laughed and mended, lounged, hiked through the wilderness, covertly embraced. Our nights, birthdays, presents, conversations, plans, hands, emojis, phone calls, messages, cherished cups, balcony cigarettes, umbrella walks, touches, scents - all that I have lost, all that we have lost - all of it shattered into shimmering shards, a beautiful confetti. Silently. Enchanting. A stained window of the thinnest glass. Delightful. Inspiring. Yet fragile. No one ever thought it was so fragile until we began pelting it with stones. Now, only painful razor-sharp shards remain. Torn pages from our tome. Scattered notes from our symphony. I realized I would never be able to reassemble anything. Gazing upon the fragments in a desperate inability to restore the shattered delight. To reconstruct the harmony once held. As if I lacked the hands to rebuild the pieces. I only watched those fragments flicker and fade. The tide flooded my cave. Again I was engulfed by the saltwater, but this time I did not resist. I wanted to surrender every drop of salt water I was made of. For my arid remnants to dissolve into this boundless sea. The roaring flow reached the ceiling - and the sounds faded, then silenced. I hung in weightlessness. I was afloat. I flew away. Far away. Beyond the edge of the earth. To the endless ocean. Where all the salty drops given to all the seas are gathered. Where all sounds cease, all the light extinguishes, and time stops. Where there was no longer me, no longer my thoughts, or my feelings. To the deepest ocean floor. To the very beginning. Before the island. Before the shipwreck. Before us. Eternity... Eternity. What was in the very beginning? Was there anything in the beginning? I began to remember. My parents bathe me in my infantry. My father takes me to the nursery on a warm summer morning. My mother plays the piano. I tap on a toy xylophone. I sing on a New Year's morning. Fragments of the mosaic began to sparkle and re-arrange themselves. My mother teaches me to read. Music lessons in primary school. The first year at a music school. My parents divorce and we move away with my mother. This pattern cannot be shattered. We can only pretend everything is broken. My friend Mike plays the guitar. Books about pirates, cowboys, and explorers. A guitar for my birthday. I learn chords and sing. I fall in love. I lash out at a teacher. When the sharp edges of the shards become smooth, the fragments will return to their places and continue to shine. University, dorms, night clubs, a literature club. I strum my guitar with friends. I dream of playing in a band, but nothing comes of it. One by one, the lights ignited. They were shining upon me, reminding me, guiding me, warming me, filling me, supporting me, giving me the ground for a new step. They have always been with me, they have always been a part of me. All I had to do was just look at them, look within myself, believe in myself, wish, and desire for myself. So what are you wishing for? What am I wishing for right now? I got up from the bed and opened the curtains. The warm morning sun embraced me, awaited me, remembered me. I smiled back and reached out, embracing it in return. I began to gather my scattered possessions, tossed some in the laundry, neatly stacked others in the closet. The room became cozy. I vacuumed, took a shower, put on a fresh shirt, jeans, grabbed my phone, and faced an empty refrigerator. I realized I hadn't eaten for almost a hundred years. Burger? And coffee? Burger and coffee it is. And then to send a message to my friend. And then to visit the bookshop. And to listen to that new album. And to talk with my friends about the band, to show them my drafts. And to go out of the city for the weekend. To breathe, to listen, to feel, and to see. Gradually, the waves will smooth the sharp edges. My tears will smooth the sharp edges and soothe the wounds. And my lights will shine brighter. I took my keys and unlocked the entrance door.