The Chiefest Cat in the World

       Now that her humans had come to their senses and to her, Kitty loved travelling through winter lands. She didn’t have to wade through the deep snow, she rode whatever human she liked best at the moment. That is, the tallest ones, to have a better view, namely Biggest-One and Long-Braidy, because Loud-Woman moved too jerky to Kitty’s liking. And whenever Kitty’s tail complained cold, she could nest in anyone’s bosom. Well, Half-Cat wouldn’t take her for a ride or a warm-up, he must have realised he just wasn’t good for it, neither soft nor wide nor warm enough. He was not just lazying around, was he? And the Monsters were few and not eager to move. Instead of Monsters, there were sentinels. Kitty met the first one the next day after her team reunion. That’s prey, her tail and her predator instincts screamed, even if that prey was almost the size of Kitty, a white bird with red eyebrows, hiding under low fir branches and scanning the travellers too closely for a mere wild thing. Half-Cat noticed it too but ignored it. No, he was definitely lazying around! But Kitty would not let free meat pass by! She launched off Biggest-One when he was passing by the tree shelter of the game. The meat seemed too stupid to escape while Kitty waded through the snow towards it. At the last leap distance, the prey cackled that the team was clear and free to pass past its master’s sentinel post. What, that feathered stew was a sentinel, like Kitty’s friend Chiefgull? But it didn’t look dangerous or intelligent. “Oh, Missekat, are you greeting an agent of the Eyes of Grouses?” Biggest-One told her as he caught up and lifted her back. What, her human knew of the sentinels, and she didn’t? Unbelievable. And Kitty’s tail also could not believe that this meat lump was an agent of humans. Her tail would run around and push her forward every time she saw one in the next days, and she saw quite a few! But otherwise, she was happy. Her humans, though, were not happy. Soap-Smelling complained that the ski thingies were dumb and inconvenient and that the others were striding too fast. Loud-Woman complained that the others were crawling too slowly. Half-Cat complained that the others were making too much noise. Grumpy-Glum complained that their whole trip was dumb and unnecessary. Biggest-One didn’t complain but glared at the whiners and offered them to tow the sledge with the tent and food stock instead of him to have a just cause for complaining instead of an imaginary one. And only Long-Braidy didn’t complain but was downcast, jumpy, and outright terrified of something. Kitty would climb his braid and try to tell him that everything was under her control. On the third day in the wild, Soap-Smelling found another point to complain about. He was an expert in whining, after all. He said they should’ve stayed for a week longer to celebrate the New Year after the Yule. Biggest-One raised an eyebrow (humans have funny eyebrows, with too short and too many vibrisses, and use them for silent talking and not for probing the surroundings in the dark). So, right, Biggest-One raised an eyebrow, and immediately Soap-Smelling was all defensive, saying that Yule feast had been okay but without a spark and without the main attribute of Yule, the Gävle Goat, which had been prohibited to him by the locals. Kitty pricked her ears. What goat? Why goat? She had seen two goats in a pad in the village they had left, and no, she wouldn’t allow for any stinky goats in her team! Biggest-One did tell aloud that the hosts were entitled to impose any rules of fire and grossling safety, and Loud-Woman added that Emil had his fun with his DIY beasts in the end. Soap-Smelling retorted that Kävlinge goats were the second-best option for Yule celebrations but grinned and glanced back at Half-Cat for some reason. Kitty didn’t know what he was unhappy about. Back in the village, on the day before everyone was drinking and eating weird food, he had made one fine horned monster out of twigs, straw, and other scraps. It was good to climb and claw—much better than Long-Braidy’s snow monsters. (To give them credit, snow monsters were good for one thing: to show off Kitty’s killing and gutting skills to the local gradeless tabbies. Snow monsters were falling apart like real ones!) But Soap-Smelling couldn’t leave well enough alone (humans rarely do); he had taken out his stinky small stuff that made Monsters burst and burn with a bang and wanted to use it on the fake monster. Why? He knew it was fake. Quite a dumb human, that one. Fortunately, there had been humans of other, local cats around, they had stopped him and explained that a fire or explosion might attract real Monsters. Stupid Soap-Smelling hadn’t understood them until Half-Cat had come by and said exactly the same. That was one strange thing about humans. Silly them, they didn’t always understand each other and had to wait till another person repeated the same things to them. Like, Long-Braidy didn’t understand Soap-Smelling, Loud-Woman, or Half-Cat, and Biggest-One or Grumpy-Glum had to tell him the point again. Or, Loud-Woman didn’t understand Grumpy-Glum. Kitty understood them all and was bored to wait till they were sorting things out. So, right, the scrap monster. Soap-Smelling had been sad that he hadn’t burned the monster. Instead, he had scraped some more scraps and made another monster, which he put half on top of the first one from behind. Like two cats busy making kittens. Then Biggest-One reminded Soap-Smelling that any large fires or explosions were now even more dangerous than in the village, but he confessed that at his home, they had fireworks and parties in the streets for the New Year celebration too. And Long-Braidy added that his people had fireworks and bonfires on the New Year in Iceland. And Loud-Woman joined in loudly about the New Year at her home. It was fireworks too, and drinking and making fireworks in grossling nests. Kitty was puzzled by their seemingly common obsession with the mysterious New Year and fireworks. What were those things? Year is something about time; her humans had been telling other humans that she was one year old. As for fire, it’s… complicated. It is warm, it kills Monsters, but it can turn against a cat, too. Her humans had a nice, tame fire in a pit for cooking and a stove in the tent for warming. What else did they need? Did she need it too? Was it fun? Tasty, maybe? Yummy tidbits—that was the best thing about human holidays. Meanwhile, Loud-Woman searched through her bag, fished out a flask, and shook it in the air with a triumphant squeak. "We can still have a half-party for the New Year!” she declared. "Whiskey! The old man claimed it was whiskey!" Biggest-One protested that drinking alcohol was unwise out in the wild, but she said everyone’s share was barely enough for a good mood but not enough to lose control. Long-Braidy supported her by offering to make “decorations” and got some yarn balls from his bag and set to weave threads over the branches of fir trees around the clearing they had camped at. Kitty liked that, threads were fun to play with, but Long-Braidy shooed her off and said that the patterns were alarm staves and no one should touch them. So instead, she went to Biggest-One to ask for a treat. Half-Cat did the same and asked for cookies, but of course Kitty’s wish had priority, and Biggest-One told Half-Cat that cookies were meant for dessert and the main course should come first, and he sighed as he took a chunk of ham out of his backpack. Humans got excited, quietly, if not silently, and had a jolly good New Year dinner by the fire outside of their tent. Kitty was almost content with herself being a good master to her humans. Almost, as there always was Grumpy-Glum, he didn’t like the ideas of drinking, of having a feast, of travelling in general, and kept grumbling about it all. Even a tiny glass from the Loud-Woman's flask didn’t improve his mood. Everyone else did perk up, even Soap-Smelling, who wasn’t allowed to make “fireworks”. Instead, he produced some twigs, saying that it’s quiet and safe, and let him have mini-fireworks pretty please! Before Kitty could let him, he poked the flame with the twig ends, and they bristled with tiny, sharp, sizzling sparks—quite quiet indeed. It looked like those flames tried to imitate Kitty’s tail when it got alarmed. Her tail bristled too, by the way. Hey, stupid, it’s just human shenanigans, she tried to calm him down, but instead, the same sticky alarm feeling crept all over her. The stupid bristling fire twigs died out already, but she still could not depuff. Loud-Woman noticed it and laughed at Kitty, and Soap-Smelling laughed too, traitor. But before Kitty could scowl at them, Grumpy-Glum sprang up, overturned their kettle with tea on the fire to quench it, and hissed that a giant was approaching. His eyes flashed blue. He pulled up the funny piece humans call a mask and grabbed his spear stick. Wha? Big-big Monster? Kitty scanned the world. Holy meowl! There was a really big Monster, and not far enough to ignore it as usually, and it moved closer and closer! Half-Cat was up and tense, too. Oh crap, her humans detected a threat before Kitty! What an oops! Sure, those two were unusual humans, but still… To redeem herself, Kitty dashed towards the Monster to tear it into pieces—and got stuck in the nearest snowbank. Dumb snow! Dumb Long-Braidy who caught her and dragged her away from the puny giant Monster! Humans might be ridiculously built, but at least their long legs were better suited for all that snow. “It’s the Yule Cat!” Long-Braidy whined suddenly. “I haven’t got any woollen present this Yule, and the Yule Cat is coming to eat me! It’s… it’s just late because Finland is so far from Iceland!” Wha? Some cat trying to take away Kitty’s own human?! No way! She wouldn’t let it, even if that cat was as large as a tree. By the way, she felt especially queasy. Trees started swaying and cracking in the forest, and then the firs and spruces “decorated” by Long-Braidy flashed and twinkled with colourful fire lines. Loud-Woman was shouting at Soap-Smelling to prepare incendiaries, at Biggest-One to take the non-immunes away, and at no one in particular to… what was “whip that asshat's ass”? Soap-Smelling got tangled in his garb, Half-Cat’s rifle cracked from the forest, Grumpy-Glum disappeared, Big-One was dragging Long-Braidy away because Long-Braidy was suddenly as uncouth as Soap-Smelling and was muttering “Yule Cat” over and over. Kitty was overwhelmed by the chaos, but only for a second, and prepared to jump and launch an attack when she saw two giant horns and a hideous muzzle crashing through the burning trees at the height of... above Biggest-One’s head, anyway. Long felted fur was catching that multicoloured fire, gangly legs were beating through the lowest branches and deep snow. In a matter of seconds, as a pro military cat, Kitty reconsidered her priorities. She should protect the weakest, that is, non-immunes, people who could easily die or turn into Monsters, that’s what the cat trainees had been told in the Academy. So she plastered all over Long-Braidy’s shoulders to screen him. Just in time, it appeared, as the next moment the air shook with blasts of Soap-Smelling’s stinky bang-making thingies. They boomed all right, louder than others’ rifles and Monster bleating. Kitty could only hear it, since her charges reached denser trees that blocked the view. And in the background, she heard singing. Right, humans like to sing on holidays. This time it was Grumpy-Glum. So, he had fun at last, too! Full score! Now everyone was happy! Combat humans were shouting very happily about great fireworks. (Alright, Half-Cat didn't, but he disliked noise in general.) And Kitty risked leaving Long-Braidy to the care of Biggest-One and went to check if the Monster was out cold. It wasn’t yet, but then Kitty’s skin crawled with electricity, then the waning lights on the trees and Monster flashed and formed a giant bird of fire. Many-coloured, like the lights. The bird flew through the Monster and made a circle around the clearing, carefully veering around Kitty. Thank you, weird fire bird. Now the Monster was very really scorched, together with some firs and spruces. Loud-Woman whooped that that was the bestest fireworks show in her life and hugged Soap-Smelling, wishing him a happy new year. Soap-Smelling whooped too and hugged Half-Cat, wishing him a happy new year. (Kitty looked around to see if there was some new year, preferrably happy, for her as well. Maybe the total weirdness around was that notorious new year.) Half-Cat didn’t scream or hug anyone, he was busy scanning the surroundings. Kitty trusted him to do that properly and hurried to check on the rest of her humans. Behind some firs, Biggest-One was intact but gloomy like Grumpy-Glum, Grumpy-Glum was sleeping peacefully, and Long-Braidy was fretting around him. “Ain’t it awesome?" Loud-Woman came to the non-combatant group to share good news and hugs, but Biggest-One didn’t cheer up even when kissed by her. “Pure joy”, he replied sourly. “Now guess who will be lifting the tent, moving the camp to a better place, and dragging the mage AND his share of luggage.” To cheer him up, Kitty rubbed at his boots first and then went to wake Grumpy-Glum. Grumpy-Glum wouldn’t wake to a purr into the ear, to a gentle paw poke, but when Kitty wanted to try an invigorating bite, Long-Braidy snatched her by the scruff and scolded her in a whisper that Grumpy-Glum should rest after taking down the giant. Kitty put Long-Braidy back on her mutineer list as he carried her back to the clearing to watch the Monster from a safe distance. It was really huge. In the light of the moon and embers, it looked like a moose, but its horns were like sausages curled to its back and not like tree branches. Its legs had cleaved hooves. “Cool, right?” Soap-Smelling, together with Half-Cat, came by to guard Long-Braidy. “I burned my first Gävle Goat!” Kitty watched the Monster from Long-Braidy’s shoulder and thought, wow, that’s a new Monster size record for her team. Long-Braidy watched the Monster and seemed to relax at last. “Wow,” he said, “that wasn’t the Yule Cat. And Mom was telling me that if I don't get a present out of wool for Yule I get eaten by it. She lied to me!” Half-Cat watched the Monster too and said in awe, “Wow, it’s Yule goat. And Onni was telling me it didn’t exist. He lied to me!” It looked like they understood each other for once, and Kitty jumped off Long-Braidy to go help Biggest-One with decamping. Mainly, she wanted to carry that delicious chunk of ham in her teeth all the way to a new camp. But he protested and insisted on taking up that load all by himself. That’s unfair; she just wanted to help! Like Half-Cat, who snitched a pack of stinky cookies (sure to help with the luggage), while Biggest-One was busy with Kitty. Being Half-Cat, he might believe others to be half-his humans, and want to help them too! Or to half-help, maybe. Unnoticed by others (but not by Kitty!) he ate a lot of cookies until the pack became much lighter, and returned it to Biggest-One, and added in broken phrases that he had a present too, from his cousin, and it was that they didn’t need to move, the burnt circle left by Kokko would protect them from grosslings, and that his cousin would wake up soon because the summon was not a long-range one. At that, Biggest-One became content, too. Of course, he would, a cat rub always helped.