Cafe on the bridge

And again an icy cold pierces Martin, wandering along a dark street; he did not want to walk so slowly in the city, but the sadness that had settled in his soul weighed on him and it seemed that a little more and he would collapse to the ground and would no longer exist. This sadness for the past, for the girl he loved. He didn’t remember what she looked like. And how could he remember, they met only once and then only at the ball. In honor of the birthday of his friend who always loves to mow in an antique style. He will never forget that evening. He perfectly remembered her lightness of gait, her gallantry, her energy that she radiated. Oh how beautiful she was! And then he couldn’t come up to her and tell her that he admired her. What now? She is no more, and she would have laughed at him that evening. He wasn’t handsome, but he was good. He was gallant. Unlike his friend, he was taller than him. Muscular, and serious. He wasn’t thinking about cars to take girls for rides, but about what would happen in the future? His youth passed as he thought, and now remembering this warm evening, Martin noted to himself how ridiculous the songs were chosen, to which he danced out of politeness, he shamefully told his feelings for that girl to his friend in his letter, but he did the right thing by not giving this letter. And he just threw it away. Was he attracted to her then? And what made him choose another. The one my father recommended. Yes, he was always the leader in their family and no one ever contradicted him, and there was no point. He wouldn’t have gotten rid of that stick for half his life if he hadn’t left the city in time. However, he was no longer going to think about her. He turned the corner and met Pauline outside the cafe. She was waiting for someone. He stopped and wanted to pass by the girl, but she called out to him. Martin experienced a slight trembling that began from the tips of his fingers and slowly moved to his chest, because this was exactly the reaction he expected from her. They were no longer strangers. But they were still very far from acquaintances, although they could look like lovers who sit together in the evenings in a cafe. Or on friends. But they were far from friends. — Would you like to take a walk? -Martin turned around and looked at Pauline. Today there was more gentleness and modesty in her than last time. However, she smiled silently at him. With an eccentric smile and approaching, he said: — I’m already doing this, but if you keep me company you will definitely lift my difficult mood. — Martin feigned despondency, if he could feign anything at all, his meager acting skills still made an impression on the girl. — What’s wrong with him? — Yes, you see, I absolutely cannot stop remembering the past, although it has no meaning for me, but is this a reason to erase it from my subconscious forever? — Of course not, you don’t remember him, but your soul throws him at you, you would never just remember him. They walked away from the cafe and walked quietly, the snow crunching under their feet, which was reflected very brightly from the lamps today. Evening streets. The city was in a quiet lull. Either because it was night, or maybe because no one wanted to get in their way. The girl today was wearing a black coat, pants, and a white shirt. And despite the fact that it was warmer outside, the cold was still felt. They walked past a cemetery, a church, the first store founded in this city, a post office, and a hospital. Everything here was like something from the past from some novels; it seemed that this whole city seemed to be out of time, out of life, out of change. — Why isn’t the past just remembered? — Martin asked odd questions; he didn’t want to drag out the pause for too long. He wanted to listen to Pauline, her pleasant voice and the wisdom with which she spoke. This girl had colossal knowledge, but she just didn’t want to show it or take it out of her soul. Which was also a mystery to the man. Usually people, at the first opportunity, reveal to others who they are and what they are capable of, but Pauline was not like that. She escorted Vladimir out the door of her apartment, and as soon as this happened, she immediately sent him to an abandoned theater, and did not return home, afraid of finding him there again. In fear, she ran away from the apartment and stood near the cafe in the hope that Martin would come and they would sit at that table again and drink wine. Today she was terribly thirsty, and a walk outside did not fit into her plans, but why not. It’s also a good idea to think late at night. — Because they remember the past when there is a possibility that it will return again, or repeat itself. It loves to remind itself. Because people never learn lessons. They don’t like to do this. In general, they don’t like to work most of the time. For the most part, all people love is to forget the past, and then be indignant that it burst into their lives and ruins everything. — And what do you advise me to do? — Hmm. What does your past consist of? — Martin walked along the path away from Pauline. I didn’t want to tell her everything. They walked across the bridge, dragging their feet in the snow. And Pauline leaned on the railing and bent toward the water. Martin, seeing this, was surprised at her fearlessness. The railings were not stable, they were not yet fully installed, but since there was not enough money to finish this bridge, everyone avoided the railings. Knowing that bending over can cause you to fall into the icy water below. — Pauline shouldn’t do this. You might fall. — the girl laughed; her smile seemed light and indifferent to Martin about what might happen. The thought flashed through Martin’s mind that maybe she’s a cat? What if she has nine lives and is just playing with death? — So what! I want you to tell me about your past, what attacked you. Or I won’t stop hanging on the railing like this. — Pauline is no joke. — I don’t care. Tell. Unless you’re a coward, of course. — He took a step towards her, towards her, of course, he will tell her there is nothing wrong with this, but how important is it for her to know his past? The question stirred his soul and interested him. We had to act quickly before it actually capsized. — I’ll tell you well, but only if you move away. It was a girl, her name was Elizabeth. — Pauline began to move away from the railing, but was still at a dangerous distance from them. Martin continued the story. — She was a girl from my childhood, she was my dream, I did a lot for her, I finished school although I intended to quit and go to work. I didn’t want her to date an uneducated guy. She was from a rich family and always smelled of expensive perfume. Oh Pauline, if you could imagine what she smelled like, it was Chanel! I will never forget the way she looked from under her long eyelashes and eyeliner, I can’t forget how she made me fall in love with her with just one look, a gesture, we were sitting at her entrance then, I wanted to kiss her, but she got ahead of me, that’s all. I didn’t see her anymore, no matter how much I looked for her, no matter how many times I came to her house and sent her letters, but they were always unanswered. One day I saw her at a ball and wanted to approach her, but I was afraid that she would make fun of me, because, as it turned out later, my friend was dating her. And it’s all. I don’t know why I remembered her today, I don’t know and I don’t want to know anymore. Now come down Pauline. The girl moved away and ran up to him and kissed him on the cheek. The man recoiled from such surprise. Although there was nothing hidden and nothing secret in this gesture. Still, something became different and the man did not answer anything, although on the big occasion he did not know what to answer. He simply walked on, past the sidewalk covered with a heap of snow, making his way through which he drowned knee-deep in the snow. His soul became warmer and brighter after he revealed his secret to Pauline. For some reason he expected a different reaction. Completely different. However, hearing her steps behind him, he wanted to take her by surprise. He turned quickly, and the girl barely had time to stop before running into him. Pauline herself didn’t know why she dragged herself along with him to walk around the city in such weather. Although they did not agree on anything, there was some kind of connection between them; there was something mysterious that connected these two, and now looking at each other, She realized that maybe he was the very man she everyone is looking for in their dreams? Who was she looking for? She was looking, first of all, for someone who could show herself to her. Who could dance with her on the roofs of carriages and accept even the most difficult sides of her soul. Who could finally reveal herself to her without any return to the past. Pauline was afraid of her past, she was afraid and kept it under all the locks she knew. And she hid there everything that she had never seen in her life, everything that enraged her and everything that did not belong to her. And everything she’s ever run from. Her desire to wander endlessly in the city always had a specific character, she did not go out just like that, she went out only for the occasion when she was extremely sad in the apartment, when even philosophers and the minds of all mankind made her sad. She wanted to be in someone’s company extremely rarely, but she still had this need Martin, walking quietly with her, thought about his own life, about his neighbors, and about the life he passionately dreamed of, a life of travel, and a life of freedom. He wanted to travel forever and wander around the world, wherever the wind blows, he too. He didn’t want to be tied to the same place, but he ended up here. And you could forget about adventures forever. He no longer had any spiritual impulse or strength. All he now wanted for his life was silence. Pauline, looking at him with her sparkling eyes, did not look like him. She wanted passions, she wanted what could be called nothing other than life. She wanted to feel every moment. That’s why I agreed to the madness. So they walked quietly, each on their own path, seemingly side by side, but each forgotten in dreams and desires. And no one could say how long they walked. But still, approaching the end of the city, where the forest began, both woke up as if from a dream. And both looked into the wilderness for a long time and then Pauline suggested going through it. All the inhabitants knew that it was not endless, but no one knew what came after it. There was a train station near the forest; they rumbled along the rails, waking up the inhabitants. These trains went to an unknown destination and took people away from the city. Or, after transporting them, they never took them back. Martin refused at first, arguing that it was winter and that they were not prepared, and they couldn’t just go into the forest like that. And then he agreed with Pauline, who said that they couldn’t just get lost. Throughout the forest you can hear trains traveling to and from the city. This means that they will be able to go to the station and from there they will come and get to the city. Pauline herself wanted to go into silence and look at the sky. In the city the sky was dirty and no stars were visible, but in the forest they could be seen. And besides, their entire human life passes under the stars, so why not look at them at least once? They sat on a stump, having not gone far, and Pauline painted in her imagination scenes from the theater, painted scenes of her life, where she could play the main role, could change everything, rewrite, reprint. And no one would tell her anything. Martin, looking at the stars, saw himself as a little boy, when he came to his grandmother in person, then he looked at the stars and read the little prince, which had just come out on sale. He also dreamed of conquering space and, like the prince, looking at adults with extraordinary pickiness and shaming them for their lives. Just like today, he remembered that his grandmother knitted him a yellow scarf, and he ran with it. And all his classmates envied him. He still keeps it somewhere, remembering those moments in his life with warm trepidation. Illuminating his life even in the most terrible moments. — Pauline, what are you thinking about? — Pauline stretched her stiff neck — About the stars. Just about the stars. About me as a little girl, when as a child my mother prepared me soup with pasta in the shape of stars. It was the most delicious back then, I remember how one rainy day, when it was my classmate’s birthday, I was sick and didn’t go there then. I really wanted to get there because she had a tape recorder on which we could record the songs we sang. — Did you sing songs? — We were then five or ten years old, I don’t remember anymore. We took records, learned the words and then, imagining ourselves as stars, recorded them. — Where are these records now? — Don’t know. After I left, I don’t know what happened to them. I don’t even know what happened to my past. Maybe it’s lying around in the back alley somewhere. Maybe they’re watching me from somewhere. The past generally has an amazing feature: it has the feature of taking revenge, breaking your present. But no one is to blame for this but you. — And are you afraid that one day your past will come and ruin your life as you are now? — Yes. But Martin, we will all pay him. There is no such person who would be spared this fate. One day I will have to run away from here too, I hope that by that time we will no longer know each other, I would not want to make you feel bad. — Oh, Pauline, you won’t hurt me anymore. I don’t run from the past, sometimes I manage to come to an agreement with it and then it recedes, and sometimes it doesn’t. And just like today I have to drown in it. But tomorrow this will no longer happen. Tomorrow I will be normal again, but today I am crazy. “It’s better than being normal all the time.” In our world, you need to allow yourself to be crazy on weekends. The tragedy of all crazy people is not that they are crazy. And the fact is that they are alone. And this loneliness kills them instantly. And they become normal. — Don’t you like being normal? — Martin stood up to warm up, the cold was getting through him. Pauline shrugged. She didn’t know how to answer this question. After they walked out of the forest in silence. Pauline suggested going to the western part of the city, where there were many unfinished buildings. Theaters, cafes and much more. At night the wind howled there and it seemed that all the homeless people of the city were gathering there. However, Martin abandoned this idea because he didn’t want to get into any trouble. In addition, Pauline sneezed on the way, and the man suggested that she go home. And he himself will sit in a cafe and then go home. The girl agreed, and she really felt very weak after the walk. Her boots were full of snow. Saying goodbye, like last time on the stairs. Martin turned the corner into a cafe, where he bought himself a bottle and went to his favorite place, the cemetery.