My happiness

The light breeze, permeated with the intoxicating odour of soft orange maples, played with the leaves falling to the ground and carried the trill of birds flying in the azure sky. On the road paved of coloured granite slabs, strewn with golden spots, dressed up people with smiles on their faces were passing by, boys were running with fun, and girls with doll-like faces and dark eyes burning with pleasure, dressed in pompous khanbok, were marching proudly next to their mothers among the tall trees cutting the sky. On these festive days, all the people gathered together with their families around a large wooden table and held a ceremony of sacrifice to the ancestral spirits, decorating the table with traditional dishes, the main of which were delicate rice bread — “sunpyeong”; the next day was no less significant, because from small to large — everyone took care of the stone tombstones of ancestors, cleaning the area around from inclement weather and overgrown weeds. A young boy with a light smile that charmed everyone was strolling carefree through the pleasing autumn scenery between people as if gliding along the road. His delicate reddish lips, smooth cheekbones, and dark irises like a bottomless ocean attracted the attention of all who passed by; the young girls with neatly braided silky hair who passed by in a small group whispered sweetly among themselves and praised his appearance could not help but stare at him. Hengjin heard their praise from the corner of his ear, which only made him more glad that Chhusok had come later in the year, for when, if not today, would he be able to be with the person who was closest to him, from whom he had long waited for the same praise and soft words or a look that would burn his heart. But dreams remained dreams, and that man was like an unattainable star in the sky, shimmering so happily in the blue-black sky among the empty and seemingly pale sparks scattered like pearls on dark fabrics. Ever since their first meeting Henjin had seen in him his long-awaited destiny, had realised that then their life-lines were intertwined by a red thread; his heart fluttered joyfully in his chest as he was fleetingly reminded of their first meeting, which had taken place at about the same time, when a hitherto unknown handsome man had come almost right up to him and whispered playfully, bowing in greeting and extending his hand: — My name is Felix. — Felix? — It’s a beautiful name, and there’s a similar word in Spanish, “feliz”, which means happiness. — Ha-ha, — such a pure, ringing, like a spring brook shimmering with iridescent highlights, and sweet laughter stupefied him; and the tender heart beating sharply in his chest, and the red blush that scorched his cheeks, gave away his exuberant excitement. — You are the first person who ever said that to me when I met you. What’s your name, romantic hero? — Henjin. — Not only his cheeks, but also his earlobes were burning red. The two men, in the short space of a couple of months, which seemed to fly by like an instant, had managed to grow close and become the best of friends, that they had travelled through fire and water together, had made their way through the thorns to a strong and balanced relationship in which quarrels were as rare as Sollal. Now, however, that friendship was much closer, and at the sight of the old acquaintance, with his beautiful, freckled face, as if given by the sun itself, which made his breath catch and his mind stir with incomparable emotions, Henjin could no longer contain his feelings and hide his burning attraction to him. His whole body trembled at the sight of this young man, the thought of his fingers touching his face, tracing his chin and lifting it slightly so that their gazes intertwined in a waltz of innocent love made his throat dry; and if he imagined that he would lean slowly towards the scarlet, slightly open lips, press the young man to him by the slender waist and kiss him tenderly on the lips, taste that sweet and tart flavour, admiring the flushed Felix before him, who would look away in embarrassment and stare at the floor…. Dreams! Dreams! Dreams! Henjin hurriedly quickened his steps, but now the thoughts that were deeply rooted in his mind did not think of retreating, continuing to draw in his mind an enchanting and unrealistically beautiful face with delicate features and a soft smile. In the inner pocket of his black jacket he had stashed a small gift for this young man, wrapped in cream-coloured wrapping paper with mandarin ducks — a symbol of his endless love for him. Now, carefully checking that the precious thing had not disappeared overnight, evaporated and melted like ice-cream on a hot day when the sun was high above the horizon, hesitating before the familiar door, he put his thoughts and feelings in order, took a full breath and smoothed his dark, glossy hair, the strands of which fell over his face. His hand froze just before he knocked, and Felix’s loud, playful, and tinkling voice came from behind the door, purring like a fluffy black cat: — Minho, listen, dealing with your love affairs is not in my power, after all I am not a matchmaker, ha-ha. — The words could be heard as clearly as if Felix was standing right in front of him, and a miserable few centimetres separated them. The tips of Henjin’s rough fingers stroked across the cold surface of the door, and his eyes lowered, covered by fluffy lashes. — Asking if I like someone? The anxious heart in the boy’s chest felt like it was going to jump out — the words he heard made his breath catch, and his fingers clenched into fists as they slid across the cold surface of the front door. — Yeah, there is one person. — After a few seconds of silence, Felix replied again with a playful note: — Don’t even ask, Minho, I won’t tell you who it is, ha-ha! Go on, go on, sort out your own affairs, I can’t give you a hand. Bye. After overhearing the dialogue, Henjin’s heart felt as if it had been doused with boiling water, and in an instant it was shattered into small glasses, each of which reflected the pain he had endured overnight. What if Felix already had someone he loved? But even so Henjin did not give up, cherishing to the last the hope that the young man would at least accept his precious and heartfelt gift, and that he would be able to see the beaming smile and the sparkling joy in the deep eyes that reflected the golden glare of the evening sun shining through the window. A quiet knock on the door, behind which there was a muffled muttering, made him tense up and mentally pray to the heavens; the lock clicked, and Felix’s slim figure appeared in front of him, wearing only a black T-shirt down to his mid-thighs with “My heart is burning with love,” and his welcoming smile made Henjin’s heart beat against his chest wall with a loud “boom”. — Oh, Henjin, come in! — Felix touched his wrist with soft fingertips and grasped it tightly, inviting the boy, who was frozen by the fascination of those dark eyes, to come in. — Don’t be a statue. The small flat he had inherited after his parents' death in one of Seoul’s residential districts, overlooking the burgundy-red sun, which was hiding behind sparse and cotton-candy clouds floating serenely in the sky, and the giants of high-rise buildings that towered up to the stars, had long been inhabited: through the snow-white corridor, decorated with photos of family and friends, one could pass into the kitchen, where a light breeze made the silvery kisei sway, and the smell of fried flatbreads lying on the wooden table in ceramic dishes was already wafting — the soft rays cast fanciful shadows on the flowers standing on the windowsill; returning to the corridor and turning to the right into a spacious room filled to the top with glossy, brightly coloured magazines with smiling and handsome boys and girls on the covers, and with art and science books with ragged pages, which he had received as a child but which had continued to sit in the dust on the shelves until he grew up. On a round glass table in a grey pot was a sun-shaded kalanchoe blooming its delicate powdery buds. — I’ve already completed all the preparations: the coloured rice flour is there,” Felix listed contentedly as he escorted his friend into the kitchen, “the coffee beans are there, as are the pine needles. We only have the cooking to do. But Henjin didn’t seem to hear him, absorbed in his own desires and dreams, especially when he felt the soft touch of his hands on his skin, he was unable to comprehend, his heart throbbing every time Felix’s gentle voice touched his ears: — And you’re always in the clouds. — A slightly resentful tone slipped into his voice, but his catlike eyes continued to watch the blushing boy, whose lips were parted in an innocent and charming smile. — Hey! I’m in front of you actually! Blind Henjin, come back to Earth! — Felix teased him. If he had known what torment and unbearable mental anguish Hengjin was experiencing at his side, if he had known that handsome and seductive young man, how his heart was pounding in his chest from the overwhelming feelings of love that were ready to pour out, how the palms of his hands were sweating and the desire burned in his soul to embrace Felix at that very second, to press his soft fingertips against his trembling chest, so that he could hear the sound and realise what the boy felt for his enthusiastic friend. For a very long time the two boys standing next to each other worked in silence, kneading the rice dough for the future sunpyeong cakes, and only when the first neatly coloured crescents with thickly moulded edges and sweet bean filling, prepared by Felix’s hands, were laid out in a row on the table, the young man was the first to break the lingering silence and quietly sang in English: — The playgrounds, they get rusty and your heart beats another ten thousand times before I got the chance to say I miss you. — He had a beautiful voice, melodious and unique, like the singing of birds of paradise. Henjin listened, and even stopped making clumsy rice cakes. His hand involuntarily reached for the soft snow-white skin with visible freckles, but froze halfway, and without touching it, Henjin pressed his palm sharply against his own, inwardly cursing himself for such willfulness and promiscuity, but the feeling of love for the man in front of him, which flared up in his chest and burst with new vigour, gradually took over — his breathing became intermittent, and his head was humming with the rush of blood. His tightly compressed lips were tempted to whisper his name a few times, to call out for him to turn round and give him the familiar, affectionate and kindly smile, with eyes that shone like two black diamonds and seemed to reflect the whole sky with its sapphire stars. The heated Henjin stared at him fondly until the rice cakes were carefully placed in the three-tiered steamer with a metallic sheen and the flour-soaked Felix washed his hands under cold water, wiping them dry with the fire-red camellia towel he had been given for his last birthday; on his cheek there were still some white granules of flour, which he apparently hadn’t noticed, so when he turned to look at the concerned eyes, he didn’t immediately realise why they were burning through him. — Felix. — The guy’s voice was muffled, more like a growl, which sent shivers of fear down his spine. — You… but Henjin’s fingers touched his cheek affectionately, brushing away the “rubbish” that had stuck to him while cooking and shaking off the flour particles over the work surface. — Be careful. — Is that all you wanted to tell me? — Felix’s earlobes glowed, and he drew his eyebrows together and lowered his gaze to the floor. The situation was exactly like in Henjin’s dreams, though maybe it was just another sweet dream, and now he would wake up with a rapidly beating heart on his bed and imagine his touch and gentle voice for a long time? — I… Henjin pulled away, realising that he could no longer hide his feelings for this boy who was shining like a star in a distant sky, “I wanted to give you something. Can you turn round and close your eyes? A little surprised Felix covered his bottomless and dark eyes with trembling eyelashes and obediently turned away — he could not hear his heart beating with anticipation and his fingers trembling as the black and impenetrable shroud of night enveloped him. He wasn’t the only one who was worried to the point of breathlessness and a loud “boom” at this exciting and decisive moment, and it was hard for Henjin, unlike his friend standing with his back to him, to hide it: He had been an emotional and lively child since childhood, and he had never hidden his real emotions, even when he had been hurt by the truth, and now, when he needed to calm the unbearable thirst in his soul, there was nothing he could do about it. For a second Felix thought his hot breath burned the tops of his ears, hidden by the tangled hair, that cool, trembling fingertips traced the skin on the back of his neck, touching it casually and lingering, as if he wanted it to last forever. Henjin’s throat had long since gone dry, and his chest was burning like hell, his blood boiling in his head, drowning out the sounds and his heavy breathing. His gift — a thin silver chain with a pendant of black agate in the form of half a heart, the second part of this jewel, which in the sunlight shimmered with golden and fiery colours, was stashed at his house, If Felix accepted his feelings and the gift symbolising his love, then he would wear this cold metal, which would cool his burning neck, proudly display it in public, and under a thousand pairs of dark eyes looking at him he would be ready to cross the whole world. The silver chain was wrapped round the boy’s neck softly and discreetly, and Henjin’s trembling fingers snapped the lock behind him, but Henjin was in no hurry to tear himself away from that shining white soft skin. At that moment, a thousand thoughts rushed through his mind like an endless stream of thoughts, and he was unable to hold back the rush of passion that was growing inside his heart. Through the clouded mind he could only distinguish that tired after moulding fingers went through the tangled strands of Felix, as if brushing them, and then from the unbearable aching thirst in his soul could not resist and leaned towards the young man, inhaling the pleasant floral fragrance emanating from him; holding his breath, he did not even move: Like a frozen mummy, the young man stood still, and he alone knew how his heart was racing in his chest and how his cheeks were flushed with shame. — Felix…I… Hengjin began to speak confusedly, and his open lips touched the young man’s neck, which made him sharply covered with trembling goosebumps from head to toe and even more colourful, “You are my happiness… Felix… Your name means happiness, right? — Not paying attention to his prolonged silence and the convulsively moving cadence on his neck, the guy who had gathered courage and went crazy from his overflowing feelings continued: — You were like a star in the sky to me, you were it always… Felix… I love you to the core, happiness. — Do you really love me? — The young man whispered faintly, but even so intoxicated with his own feelings Hengjin could hear the shy and trembling notes in his voice and embraced him, feeling Felix’s chest heaving with breath and his body burning with fire. He vaguely remembered how Felix, blushing with embarrassment, had clung to him with all his body burning with heat, how he had risen on his toes to reduce their slight height difference, to match him with his loving gaze and to touch his soft lips to Henjin’s lips for a long and sensual kiss; he didn’t remember the moment when, reaching his peak, the long-dreamed of moment, he pulled the young man to him by his slim waist and kissed him again on his eagerly bitten lips, moved to his scarlet earlobes and, listening to the quiet whispering beside him, gently passed the tip of his rough tongue over them. — I… also… love you… Henjin. Was this his personal Happiness now?