The Unwanted One

The sleeping chamber of the palace’s guest quarters greeted my next and, this time, final awakening with the traditional uncomfortable chill and the echoing, unfriendly silence, that thickened beneath the high ceilings. It was still dark, but I didn’t want to sleep anymore — apparently, it was morning. I didn’t want to get up. I sighed and wrapped myself tightly in the blanket and tucked the pillow under my head. It was like I hoped it would protect me from the uncomfortable walls around me and delay the arrival of a difficult and joyless day. Monday is a hard day, even if it is Thursday… And yesterday was Tuesday. I hummed into my pillow. Of course, the names of the days were different here. But in my head they somehow automatically shifted to somewhat more familiar ones, of which, due to the local six-day weeks, Wednesday fell out. I don’t know why this was so… So the vacation was over. The next thing is studying at the palace again, Luna, dripping on my brain, and joyless, lonely moments of respite. Man, I’m looking forward to learning all the stuff I need asap to get this fucking non material shit, that clung to Tia, and… I don’t know what’s next. I’d go to Rarity’s, then settle down in Ponyville somewhere and open a private nightmare-protection practice or something, if that’s how it works… In the meantime, I’d have to sit tight and study. “More like lay tight.” I laughed shortly into the pillow. Who knows — maybe I’d get another free day to go back to Ponyville and see my friends. Abyss, I didn’t even realize how much the separation has actually depressed me. One week, that is nothing! And then — tears without end for half an hour, hugging Rarity, sitting on the floor in the hallway. And such an incredibly light and joyful feeling in my soul: “I wasn’t left behind, I have someone, I’m not lonely!” Of course, Rar made me nervous, too — the dragon slayer, damn her… It’s good that everyone is alive and in one piece, as they should be in canon. But where’s the canon and where am I? Then the unicorn spit on all the orders — unthinkable! — and announced PTO, and we had a great time with her and Pinkie the whole next day. The spa — finally it is not scary to look at yourself in the mirror, then — a picnic, which also gathered Applejack, Fluttershy and crusaders, then just had fun in “Carousel”, all together decorated with bows and trying on one bow or another in front of a huge mirror on rich crimson Scootaloo… Oh, and, of course, the gifts, which cost so much that I left more than half of the money I’ve earned from Rarity on the table for Luna… And hell with ‘em! It was worth it. The scooter for Scootaloo was a success. Even Dash caught a moment of my girlfriends' brief absence the next day and came over to express her indignation. She was also going to give the small one a scooter, she was looking for it — and then I showed up! I chuckled. Anyway, after giving me one last gloomy stare and saying goodbye with the phrase: “You’re nothing but trouble!” Rainbow went off to be sad and look for something else to gift. The other gifts were also successful. Pinkie was happy to rush out to use the new gadget, providing everyone with milkshakes — I couldn’t get myself away from them. I’ve had a brief thought, that it was more of a gift for myself than for Pinkie. Like buying a radio-controlled helicopter for the birthday of a two-year-old son. Rar was thrilled — I don’t know, and I didn’t understand much of her rambling praise, but it seemed like the fabrics were really epic. Considering that they’re way above the price of everything else put together, I’m not even surprised. Sweetie was more composed, but I could see that the extensive illustrated book on the history of fashion, including hairstyles, interested her. All in all — I didn’t miss it, it seemed. I didn’t buy something for Flutty — she hasn’t gotten over her previous gifts yet, and I guess I couldn’t have given her anything else. So, I’ll listen to the shy little squeak next time, heh. Long story short — my soul had a great rest. Rar, though, damn her, did make it hard when we were alone in the evening just before I left, bringing up a subject on which she and I had once… Oh, who am I lying to — on which I had once already gotten mad at her and slammed the door: Luna. Someone’s itching, damn it. “And you are getting alo-ong, and she do-oesn’t hurt you, and you don’t do-o it, give her a cha-ance”. It was a hard time, restraining myself from saying a few kind words to the unicorn. She, of course, was also trying not to hurt my feelings too much, and agreed to drop the subject in exchange for me reading Luna’s letters, which I had once not had the heart to just burn without reading… What the hell did she need that for? I’ll try, since Rar asked me to. And Pinkie mentioned them once, too, I think. But I doubt I’ll see anything there that I haven’t seen in a week of personal communication: fake words, fake requests, and fake promises. Although… Luna is doing everything she promised, so far, and she’s even trying to be as punctual as possible with her appointments… I stood up and pushed the pillow, which went to the floor with a soft bang instead of holding on to the edge. Damn it! Goddammit! And if Luna does it, it’s to her advantage! No more! I shoved the blanket off me irritably and rolled onto my side. I have to get the hell up! And this waste paper — my glance fell on the bedside table with my usual bags — I’ll read it sometime later! If I don’t forget and if I don’t mind! The next moment, as if to confirm my intention, the shadows of the silvery moonlight that dimly illuminated the bedroom stretched onward and soon disappeared into the thickening darkness — which the rapidly lightening sky began to cover. No more than a minute has passed since the action has begun. The room was already flooded with bright sunlight, making me squint my eyes from its radiance. “I’ll never get used to it.” I mumbled under my breath and dragged my still sleepy body to the edge of the bed with a sigh. Now it’s really time to get up…

…

“Greetings once again, Nightmare.” I reluctantly looked up from the book. Nothing too exciting — just study material. But even that was better than Luna and communicating with her. What again?.. Blue, who has entered the library, looked thoughtful. She’s busy with something again, in her repertoire. I hid the fleeting chuckle with an answering nod of my head. “Celestia is back.” The blue horse came to my table and, slowing, settled down across me. “So this is why you’re radiating happiness. What, you didn’t have time to prepare a conspiracy for her arrival?” I chuckled grimly and tried to continue reading, but already on the first line I realized that nothing would happen. Okay, let’s just pretend then… “Nightmare, please!..” Sighing, Luna looked back sorrowfully. “I love my sister and would never!.. However, you already know this, and you don’t even believe your own words.” She waved away. “We’ll look.” I said in an unflattering but somewhat neutral tone. “What do you need?” “Before your arrival…” Luna started to speak shyly, slowing. “Sister promised to invite you here, she did, but… didn’t have the courage? I don’t know. That evening we happened to meet in the park, and I reminded her of her promise. She answered that she did not vant that, and… I snapped at her, insulting her, saying that I did not vanr to see here nere me any māra, and… “ Luna started to droop and sighed. She made an indefinite gesture, apparently not knowing how to continue. Well, blue, I didn’t doubt you… “Speak simpler.” Feeling the pause building up again, I “kicked” Moon for switching to “high-sounding dialect”. “Sorry.” She tried to smile at my reproach It wasn’t eloquent. “Well, you’ve brought me here against Tia’s fur.” I stated, trying to revive the talk and the pony, which again got lost with her thoughts in the mind. No, I thought so, in fact, although, of course, I thought that they had some kind of consensus… But what kind of details will emerge now about what this horse has managed to do — now it’s time to clean up and probably with my participation… “Yes, she was dead set against it.” She stared down at the table. “And I didn’t even have time to apologize before she left… because of me. Today, when I was informed of her return, I met her and finally apologized. She agreed to turn the page, but… I don’t think I could convince her about you. If you’d wanted to hurt me seriously, not like this, you’d have eliminated me long ago.”. “Something hints me, that if a battle occurs — it’s you who will have me eliminated.” I grumbled under my breath. You poor, powerless little one… At our magic classes together, all I can do is envy and wish I could do it myself someday! For blue, this magic is like breathing! As if she was pushing buttons with skills! Yes, I’m not worse or weaker overall, but it’s thirty seconds against three! “I have already let you down wherever I could have to, Nightmare. I’m not going to hurt you again!” Luna stared with a grim reproach, hearing me saying. “But our point is that even that didn’t seem convincing to Tia. She nodded, took note, but… didn’t show in any way how she was going to react. I’m afraid that since she is hiding these thoughts even from me, they are far from joyful. I don’t know what to do.” The blue one sighed longly, drooping for a moment. “Work, what else.” I mumbled. “How does it go?.. Do the right thing and let the fate reciprocate.” “Wise words.” The alicorn tilted her head awry and thoughtfully. “My duty is to teach you, and I’ll go until the end. I just hope I’ll have enough wisdom to escape new quarrels…” She sighed again. “Don’t you hope. You always think after doing.” I chuckled head-on. “Unless you whine later, as usual, when things get really bad.” “Sorry.” The blue one bit her lip for a moment. “I’m trying to redeem myself!” “I see.” I commented plainly, looking at her. “Something more or you’ll let me finish reading?” Princess pressed her ears back and looked at me nervously, apparently hesitant to ask. She got up reluctantly, took a few steps towards the exit, froze, and turned around… “Nightmare…” “What again?” “Can we… Talk today?” “What is there to talk with you about, blue one?” I glanced disgustedly and opened the book, which has been closed during the conversation. “About… Trip of… Yours, about friends… I… Oh, forget about it.” The annoying mare drooped under my gaze, and, with a sigh, she hurriedly clattered her hooves towards the door. Finally. Following wind, good luck. Tell her about friends, yeah… I made a hissing sound and turned to the book, glancing thoughtlessly through the lines. About friends…

…

The paper here is surprisingly good quality. It’s a little thick, but it’s decent enough… My eyes spent a long curve of the paper airplane on their own. Arrow-shaped silhouette bumped his nose on the bedside table with a sad paper knock and fell to the carpet with an offended rustle. He almost made a full circle and flew back… At home, when I made such things, there was never enough room for it: too quickly it bumped into the wall. And given this particular model’s pathological tendency to go into a turn almost immediately after launch… I picked up the plane, thoughtlessly examining the fancy coloring, that the lines of text on the sheet it was made of have given it. I spread it out, unfolded it, and smoothed out the crossed out fold lines on the sheet. Damn it, blue one! I can see from a mile away, that you wrote it with Cadence, almost from dictation! So why… I folded the letter back into the airplane with a sort of irritation, and launched it away from me with a sharp impulse. The plane went uphill, hovered at the top point, turned its nose to the ground sharply and then came out into a smooth planning with a right turn. The barely audible rustling of paper on the carpet. The airplane stopped half a meter away from me, sadly spreading its wings and collapsing on its left side. It’s the God damn same! I don’t really need it, but it didn’t matter how many times I put it out of my head, it just keeps coming back and coming back! Perhaps the most frustrating part was that I couldn’t figure out what it was that got me so caught up in it. Luna’s letters were… not at all what I’d expected when I’d shaken them out on the table with irritated skepticism. I don’t really know what it was that I was expecting… Apologies, pleas, flattery, hypocrisy, a hidden prideful dislike — I don’t know. Something like that, I guess? But certainly not a simple description of life in the palace, complaining about the changing laws and delighting in the modern technology I discovered as a result… In the last letter Luna was glad that I have made friends and gently asked for advice on how to do it right. For some reason it was… strangely clingy. It was clearly Cadence’s idea, which Blue herself would never have thought of, and the first letter, which ended in flames, was a good example of that. I believe she wrote it herself, but here… “Cadence, damn it…” I mumbled, looking into the space with sad thoughtfulness. “Why do you need it?..” And this loving one managed to dictate something to Luna, something, that has somehow elusively impressed me. Some kind of… understanding, or something. A feeling, that I have peeked behind the impenetrable facade and seen what was behind it. And hidden there was… an ordinary mare, a little scared, insecure and lonely, looking for understanding and some kind of warmth in her soul… “Understanding!..” I snorted irritably, cringing, and, picking up the airplane that was lying sadly on the carpet, stared at it irritably. I glared at it, suppressed the urge to tear it up, instead just unfolding it back into a piece of paper, and pressed it onto the thin stack of others on the table. “This is why you were so eager to understand Nightmare, you lover of understanding, Abyss swallow you!” “It already did.” I, shivering, turned around to the door. Damn it! How she?!.. When?!.. How did she hear?! “I wasn’t eager. I was not and did not understand.” At the last moment, just before the world went black around me, I had time to think about whether I was making a mistake!” Luna stood at the door, staring at the floor, and quietly, on the edge of hearing, she cried words out in a dry, cracked voice. “And I made a mistake, Nightmare. I killed my daughter.” Damn it!.. I just said “Nightmare”, and now she!.. Thoughts flitted frantically in all directions like cockroaches when the kitchen lights turn on. Luna, in the fallen silence, took a few uncertain steps on trembling legs towards me, stumbled on a flat spot, and sat where she was with a sigh. “You’re almost like she, like Nightmare. But I feel, that you’re… Different. Nightmare Moon, but… But not the one I had been sharing the body with.” “I just changed over the summer.” I mumbled, frantically piecing my thoughts together and feeling my heart trying to burst out of the cage of my ribs. “By my action, I destroyed the very identity of the one who had every reason to call me mother.” Luna’s dry and indifferent voice was almost frightening — so alien it seemed. “The Elements of Harmony could no longer return everything to the way it was.” It is how it is. “Just don’t you claim your rights on me.” I replied nervously. How to react, damn it? What to do?” “I won’t dare to, Nightmare.” Luna lifted her gaze at me for the first time since the beginning of the conversation. Lifeless and hopeless gaze, which made me feel uncomfortable. “But I will do my best to at least partially make up for my infinite guilt. To you. And to Nightmare, that was before.” “Why do you think I need this? Why do you think I need something from you at all?” I walked in front of the depressed alicorn with mild irritation, calming down a bit and stopping my vibrations. Scared me, damn it… “What did you even forget here?” “It doesn’t mean I must leave my attempts to.” Slowing, Luna stepped closer to me and looked in my eyes defiantly. “And I bothered you to make sure everything is alright. Previously, you were always on time for flight lessons…” “Couldn’t you say that?!” I glanced at the clock with a panicked look and almost jumped, simultaneously feeling relieved, that the annoying and unpleasant conversation seemed to have come to an end. “Fifteen minutes already!.. Grim Sky will kill us!” “What you?..” The blue one got up, throwing a nervous look at me. “He’s quarrelsome, but a good pony! He would never!..” Waving away on the run, I stepped into the corridor galloping. P-ponies!..

…

“You’re late for nineteen minutes.” “Her Highness Princess Luna had an urgent matter of national importance for me.” I commented with a deliberate slight phlegmatic laziness in my voice, on the displeasure of the cosplaying graying, already sullen pegasus, which was cosplaying sergeant, and was strolling in front of the formation. Yeah, come on, lecture me, fucking hell… Damn, it’s so comfortable to be an alicorn. Grim sulked, indignant, but cannot resist it. “I propose to not lose more time and begin.” “Lady Nightmare, looking at you, I always have the urge to reproach you for not respecting your elders for some reason, no matter how hundreds of years old you technically are.” Muttered the “sergeant” under his breath, stopping and raising his eyes to grief for a moment. Okay, relict of a museum, let’s pretend I didn’t hear that. Otherwise we’ll bicker for ten minutes again, under the disappointed and disgruntled sniffling of Luna, and we’ve already lost so much time… “Fine…” Grim Sky came closer and looked up from under his bushy gray eyebrows and gave me a slightly disgruntled and seemingly annoyed look. “All right, ladies, spread out three meters so you don’t get in each other’s way! Warm up! Neck!..” As I stepped away from Luna, I was instantly immersed in myself, automatically performing the familiar learned movements. In fact, I learned a lot of this kind of workout on my own back in Ponyville, when I was learning to fly. This one was a little more complicated and complex, involving more areas and muscles, but differed little in the basics. Yeah… “Daughter”, what an idea… Although, there’s probably something in it… After all, Nightmare originally appeared and got some kind of identity thanks to Luna… Hm… However, even if so, it is not for her to lick her lips in anticipation of such a high title as the title of my mother! She exists, and she is not Luna!.. …And she buried her son a few months ago already. Shit… “Nightmare, are you sleeping?..” I shook my head and continued the faded and halted movement. Even so — not Luna’s claim to it, whoever she thinks she is, or even partly what she actually is! That’s all! For a while I just kept warming up, trying to get rid of the jerky movements on emotion. All problems are from Luna. I threw a quick glance in the direction of the concentrated panting alicorn. I should have killed her when I had the chance… Yeah, and then everything would be going so fast now that my current problems would seem like an unattainable dream — if I were still alive. Chucking sadly, I turned away, preferring to concentrate on my movements. “E-e-end!” The “sergeant” stomped on his front leg, himself moving along with us, but showing absolutely no signs of any exertion at all in the process. What a fucker. I’m jealous. “So the tasks for today will be… Princess Luna, judging by your breathing, you haven’t paid enough attention to physical fitness again this week!” The blue one laid back her ears and lowered her gaze. “Take tha-at cloud and take our usual route with it. I expect to count at least fifteen laps by the end of class. You need to pay attention to endurance!” Luna sighed helplessly and very-very quiet. I understand you, blue one… Have fun, what can I say. The cloud may be relatively light, but it’s sailing, especially when pushed against the wind… Grim, judging by the movement of his ear, also heard the sigh of Luna, but for some reason decided not to show it, turning to me instead. “Lady Nightmare… Take off and landing. Especially landing! Especially with speed! How many times do I have to tell you that hard ground is not a warm puddle in which you can plunge and roll around, blowing bubbles! And don’t flash your eyes: I don’t want your broken legs! Okay, off you go!” Fucker. Sometimes I wish I had never mentioned my flight training to him. “Puddle”! I cringed, realizing, that there was really nothing to argue with. The landing was indeed more than mediocre and always ended with my legs beaten to one degree or another. I exhaled, took a short run and flapped my wings. Up to that roof, there’s a turn, come back, land. Repeat until this old stump was sick of the sarcastic comments about “smacks” and “spits.” But I must give him credit for always asking afterwards if anything is broken… Just let’s go.

…

I want night. To fall asleep and all this thing… Well, didn’t end, but moved somewhere for the future. I rinsed after my workout and ran outside: the walls of the palace were particularly uncomfortable today. I wandered through the unsettled garden of the night wing. I wandered now through the unsettled garden of the Night Wing. There were yellowed plants from recent transplants. They were still empty spaces where fresh ones had been planted from scratch, which even with local magic would take a couple of months to appear. It looked… neglected, and it was nowhere near comparable to Tia’s garden. The garden looked like the mood, in general… Luna, let her be torn and glued to pieces, was never out of my mind. First her letters, and then her words, about her daughter… I found myself fiercely perplexed, and… at moments I felt a little sympathy for her?.. “Gibberish!” The hoof of her foreleg plunged fiercely into the path, blasting the dense earth. I couldn’t sympathize with her after… after everything! Why did it bother me at all? The letters, her words? I don’t care! I snorted irritably, and, driving my hooves into the ground, I moved forward along the path. “Greetings, Nightmare…” Fucking!.. Speak of the shit and it would appear!.. “Thank you.” “For what?..” I asked with a loss, stumbling and freezing reflexively. Luna’s unexpected words caught me by surprise. “For listening to me today. I know you don’t like talking to me and… yet you didn’t send me away. Thank you. And I’m happy to have you, Nightmare.” I turned around, staring blankly at the blue one wrinkling awkwardly a few meters away from me. What she?.. What she about?.. I’m!.. “What are you up to, Luna? What you?..” I made an undefinable gesture, trying to find the words. “There is no intent, Nightmare. It’s just… Who else could I tell the dark thoughts you’ve heard now? Only… Oh, I’m sorry.” She laid back her ears shamefully. “You were the only one I could tell all this to. And I’m grateful that you listened.” “You could’ve done this to Tia.” I mumbled, noting irritably, that the original hatred has dispersed insensibly somehow, and I allowed myself to be dragged into the conversation. “I… I didn’t have the heart.” Luna lowered her gaze. “It’s… Not to her. Not now. I don’t know. But I’m happy, that you listened to me. Thank you again.” “Only if I have been happy about this…” “Sorry…” “Leave, Luna. Just leave.” I walked away from her, turning around. I… I can’t already. I don’t know. I felt bitter and uncomfortable in my soul. “Fine.” To my dislike, without a hint of disappointment, she responded. “I await your arrival today, as agreed!” The footsteps sounded quietly behind me, unsure of their departure. Who are you to me, blue scarecrow? Why I hate you and… And feeling my hatred slowly, but surely fading at the same time? And what should I do with you at all? As a nice guy used to say: “It’s so easy to see the galaxy in black and white, but grey? I don’t know what to do with grey.” I don’t know either. And when did the world ever become gray is the question?.. Damn it.