The Unwanted One

“Nightmare, what do you know about the world of dreams?” How she?! She is!… From?.. Fucking shit! Luna!!! This blue scumbag can walk in others’ dreams! She saw everything! And, of course, ratted out to the sister, that I’m not Nightmare! Letter, of course, came before today’s dream, but dreams are remembered not often: I could have dreamed about it earlier — two days ago, for instance — but I didn’t remember it… Or it could be washed out from the memory for early concerns to not appear! I didn’t remember the previous dream, didn’t recognize its danger and just calmly waited for an extermination notification, relieving the Princesses from the need to chase me in forests and gorges… “Nightmare?” Celestia called me. I shivered from surprise and got back to reality. Princess barely narrowed her pink eyes and fixed gaze on me. Fuck this, I wouldn’t give up that easily! But if there would be a fight, I won’t be able to fight back, but if Tia still talks… “Just odd question…” I shrugged with wings and cringed in thought: voice is cracking, and the gesture was clearly factitious. You don’t have to be a thousand year old alicorn to notice it… Damn it! “You’re nervous.” Princess marked plainly. “What’s scary in my “odd” question?” “Well… World of dreams is your sister’s business, I guess.” I hummed skittishly, trying to get rid of the feeling, that she’s getting me against the wall. “I bet you know even more about it than I do.” “Nightmare, give an answer, please. What do you know about world of dreams?” Celestia’s voice timbre sort of didn’t change, but it became colder in the garden instantly. It would have been better if she had just screamed at me, than… Than this. I stepped back reflexively. The feeling was the same as being guided towards a tank gun with your face. “N… Not a lot.” I stumbled, swallowing lump in the throat with force. “World of dreams is a Luna’s estate. I think, that she can see someone else’s dreams through it and influence it. And also she has some magic of dreams, that, as far as I’m aware, tied with this world. Or it doesn’t?” I rubbed my forehead. “I don’t know for sure. Maybe I even got some knowledge from your sister, but I have to dive into the memory and look for it there. Don’t remember anything more.” Finding myself in a nervous digging by a hoof, I froze by force of will, trying to calm down. She asked, “What do you know about the world of dreams?” Here’s my answer. Nothing scary at all, just a question. She didn’t ask head on: “Who the hell are you, mug?” And, yeah… “Dive into the memory… Unusual word collocation. You didn’t mean just memories, right?” Princess asked thoughtfully. “Can I say nothing?” I glanced askance at Tia. Alicorn, rewarding me with a heavy gaze, shook head. Tear you apart and glue together out of whack! Interlocutor’s ear shivered. I hope this was a mosquito — not me, saying it loudly… “You see, Princess…” I moved towards the path as if it was a reflex. It was easier to think. Alicorn followed me, joining nearly. ‘Memory about what had been of me before… Returning here — it is not just memory. I just cannot simply remember it like: “How it was? Ah, yes…” If I try — it sucks me in, like a whirlpool. I don’t just remember it — I live through it again, you know? Everything, with every detail — every move, every feeling, every thought and emotion! Like for the first time… And I can barely can disengage myself from it. I tried… So I can remember a massive amount of skills, that were available for me and Luna before… And this is why I won’t do it. After some memories from there, it’s hard to push myself to live further. Honestly — erase it without a trace left…” “And you, to remember something, live through the Moon again and again… Oh… I… Sorry about it.” Princess drooped. “When in doubt leave it out.” I muttered gloomily in answer. We were going further silently for some time. I don’t know what Tia was thinking about, but I just moved my legs thoughtlessly. The morning anger has ended, leaving unfulfilled dreams, meaningless regrets and stupid apathy after itself. I don’t even know now why I was scared when Tia asked me the question: even if she decides, that I am some otherworldly garbage, taking over someone else’s bodies, and vaporizes me… It’s a nice day to kick off. “So there’s not a lot you know about the world of dreams?” Tia’s voice brought me back into reality. “Now.” I marked with voice. “Not a lot. And generally, if put all my knowledge at the table — there wouldn’t be much of them. The thing is, an instrument, whose task is to fight you, hadn’t had to know a lot.” I grinned sourly. “So your dearest sister wasn’t in a hurry to spread the word about it. Finding it out by the remnants of her memory did not succeed then, and I won’t even try now.” And yeah, Luna definitely would explain the magic of dreams to Nightmare, keep saying. After all, then she might not have allowed herself to be abandoned. Without it — a precise stab in the back, without even a chance to survive it… “So you don’t know how to enter the world of dreams either?” Lifting head, Princess muttered semi interrogatively, after examining her fore legs with a gaze beforehand. “No. But you know, I would like to.” I chuckled sadly. However, despite the descended indifferent, it’s a little bit easier on my chest: it seems that the reason of my invitation wasn’t in my dreams. “May I inquire why? To revenge Luna, isn’t it?” Tia narrowed her eyes. “To sleep without dreams myself for the starters…” I cringed. “So the of your bad mood was a nightmare?” Princess prolonged thoughtfully, slowing the pace for a second. “You could say that. I dreamed… I dreamed about something from the past.” I muttered reluctantly. Some plain and unnatural sky above on contrast with again appearing sky of my own world before my eyes created another flash of bitterness. I scraped with my teeth and hastened to look down. Damn it, why did I remember it again… “I’m sorry for my acridity, Nightmare.” Princess smiled guiltily. “I shouldn’t have pumped on you, but… I should check, that Luna’s nightmares aren’t your fault.” “Princess of dreams saw a nightmare? What an irony.” I couldn’t hold a chuckle. “Well, I’m happy for her.” “Nightmare.” Princess looked at me harshly, puckering up mouth. “Sorry.” I slurred indifferently. Celestia sighed. We ended a circle around the garden in silence. “You called yourself “a Luna’s instrument.” Princess broke the silence after a few minutes. “Let me explain that you’re not.” I hummed in answer emphatically. Go ahead. Luna somehow created the Nightmare’s personality, adding all the negative she felt towards Celestia herself. This new personality supported Princess in her loneliness, in the desire to get rid of Tia — in everything, that one can imagine. But it wasn’t enough for a victory… After four centuries of attempts to create something together… During which Luna decided, that Nightmare is useless and, after finding a gap herself, just left the already formed personality alone, dooming it on a fate that worse than death. Used and tossed out. Like… An instrument, yes. Try to prove me wrong, Tia. I’ll laugh. “Luna… Made a mistake, Nightmare. She told me, that in some moment, a thought appeared in her head, that you’re… A spirit. An evil spirit, which captured part of her mind and demands blood and destruction. It’s astonishing how it fits well with the official representation of the events…” Celestia tried to explain confusedly, with unusual for her uncertainty. “Yeah. The fact that she made a mistake is, of course, a game changer.” I commented plainly. “She was afraid, Nightmare. Afraid of you, and, most importantly, herself.” Tia sighed, drilling the path, that lies beneath our legs, with a gloomy stare. “Decided, that weakness of her character, her hatred and jealousy created a real child of darkness, which would never allow her to forgive me, even when she herself did that already. She was afraid of you, harming me, and wanted to protect me.” “This is why she betrayed me and withdrew, leaving everything on a lady Luck’s choice.” I hummed gloomily. “It doesn’t seem that her “brightest” idea helped you during our second meeting…” I chuckled sadly at the appeared thought. “It’s funny that in the result, as it seems, I wasn’t the only one who got a beating, but you as well, even though in an indirect way. But even after being on the Sun yourself, you still decided to trust me. This is what I don’t understand the most.” Celestia looked at me with a thoughtful gaze and sighed. “What is wrong with trust, Nightmare? I’ve got a feeling, that you don’t want me to believe you at all. Why?” “Maybe because you don’t have a reasonable reason to?” I curved my brow. “I almost killed you during the first meeting, on the second — I had sent you to the Sun. And after that, you suddenly demonstrate some unusual, unnatural trust, which forces me to think, that…” “Unnatural trust?!” Oh.” Freezing on the spot, Tia intercepted me with shock and rubbed forehead with a shoe. “This… Well, what do you call natural, Nightmare?” “Well…” Stopping as well, I scowled. “When someone fears me or doesn’t trust — it’s normal, understandable reaction on… A pony with my reputation. But when you get armor all of sudden — it’s unnatural. No one in control of his senses wouldn’t give his enemy armor back, even though a former one.” Princess listened to me, looking somewhere beyond the horizon thoughtfully. “You know…” She dropped after a few seconds. “I can’t understand what scares me more: your takes that fear and distrust are natural things, or the fact, that you really heartily believe it yourself.” Snowy alicorn shook head with sadness. “Heartily believe it”? I knew, that any attempts to lie can turn out badly: seems, that she can feel truth somehow. Even though I wasn’t planning on lying to Tia, but some unpleasant feeling still appeared. “About the armor…” Princess continued. “Why do you still think of me as your enemy, Nightmare? I said earlier, that I forgave you and decided to give you a second chance — why don’t you want to accept it? Is it worse than hostility?” “A bad peace is better than a good war, of course…” I agreed “But it doesn’t appear like that: “Okay, we’ve made peace, we’re not enemies anymore, we forgot the past, let’s hug!” “Actually, strangely enough, your words are depicting the right term of making piece.” Celestia smiled a bit sadly. “Like this: we’re not enemies anymore, it’s time to leave former insults in the past and move into the future. There’s surely no reconciliation without it… But I hear irony in your voice. Don’t you believe in the possibility of making peace with me itself? Or you just don’t trust me personally? But have I done something to deserve your distrust? Or it’s just because you can’t forgive me for your banishment?” You’re not the issue, Tia. You’re surely not… I swept a long gaze over the sky, and somewhere far away, toy pegasus towed a painted cloud, and I couldn’t hold it: “Tell me, Princess… The world around, all these trees, flowers, sky — is it all real? Are YOU real?” I gazed at the clueless alicorn. Tia, looking through me with loss, hesitated with an answer. “You of course would say” “Indeed, everything is real!” I nodded to myself. “But how can you prove it, m?” “Nightmare?!” Getting back, snowy mare blinked with shock. “What are you…” “Nothing.” I gave a twisted grin, breaking the Princess of the Day mid-word. “I’m still wondering about whether I am here for real or it’s just a long dream, and I’m still there and all this.” I waved around the garden with my fore leg. “…Is a phantom of my sick imagination.” Tia looked at me with absolutely unreadable savage look. “No, I understand it with my mind, that these fantasies are sheer nonsense, but…” I rubbed forehead with a hoof. “But I just cannot leave them and stop thinking about them. “What if?…” My mind has let me down already — can I trust it? Can I trust myself?” I stared at the pink eyes point-blank. “Can I trust myself, a toy Princess of a painted world, huh?” I didn’t hold myself, just let it go onto her… Damn it… I gazed at Celestia, frozen like a statue. “And you offer to believe others.” I summarized sadly and, turning around, went away from the path. “Nightmare.” Princess’ quiet voice caught me after a few steps. “Does it really matter if the world around is real or not?” I stumbled on a plain place. What? What?! I turned around in a rush. Wanted… I don’t know… “It doesn’t matter if this world is real or not.” Alicorn shook head. “The important thing is that the thoughts, feelings and emotions it evokes are real. Yours. Let this world — and me with it — evaporate, like morning mist, but everything, that you feel here and here.” Princess’ hoof touched her temple and chest consistently. “Is yours and will be with you.” “And for what? To wake up more painfully? The happier the dream — the bitterer the awakening.” I insisted gloomily, hesitating for a few seconds. Tia’s words threw me off the track. “It’s opposite. To hearten and cheer you up. Show you what you can strive for and achieve. To show who can you be yourself.” Celestia looked at me with great panache and smiled cheerfully. “And who can I be?” Drooping, I chuckled sadly. “The unwanted one? You think, that I don’t see that I’m absolutely unwanted here? Honestly, it’s hard to say — do I fear to wake up… Or look forward to it.” “Nightmare…” Snowy wing’s tip touched my chin softly. I lifted my head reluctantly to meet the Princess pink eyes’ gaze full of sympathy and sorrow. “It’s not true. Don’t think of yourself worse than you are. You feel as if the world does not want to accept you now — and you don’t want to in answer. But it’s false: Twilight wrote, that you already have friends, that care about you. That you like to learn and practice new… Don’t hurry to decline everything so categorically. You’re not unwanted — you just need friends and a little bit of time.” I stepped back, looking at my legs in thoughts. Maybe it’s true?… That life is over. And even if I’d imagine that it’s not — would it be easy to get back to it? I don’t want to give answers — I can get a shiver down my spine. So easily — no, it’s impossible. Yeah, I’ve been here for a little bit than nothing, but Pinkie, for instance, as it seems, thinks of me as a real friend — and it would be very painful for her to lose me. And my own opportunities? Abdicate from good health? From magic? From flights? I could get back to the old life, sure. But not that easily. Maybe it’s time to finally accept it and live on? What Tia said? Remembering the old, not to be discouraged, but to be inspired by it. What sorrow about my lost home can give me? Isn’t it better to try to remember all the good things that were there to rely on those here? Because melancholy won’t give me anything. I blinked, getting back into reality. Princess awaited my reaction with patience, thinking about something. Sun was shining at the golden breastplate, wind was budging the white fur subtly. I looked closer, narrowing my eyes, and, with some surprise, saw almost invisible scar on the left shoulder. It’s strange that it’s still there… I swept my gaze up. Huge pink eyes thoughtfully examined the garden, the left ear moved reflexively to get rid of a bug… Alicorn scowled to her own thoughts, then noticed my gaze after a second and, waking up, looked at me with careful anticipation. She’s alive, real. And her irides’ pattern is beautiful. Like a mountain from up high. “I’d like to believe. Thanks for kind words, Princess.” Tia smiled in answer warmly, and I finally felt calmness in my soul. I felt desire to live on for the first time during this morning.