The Unwanted One

Crunch! “God damn you!!!” I, with open hatred, squashed the broken quill with telekinesis, tearing it into pieces. Twilight, already trying to be as inconspicuous as possible, moved another half step away from me cautiously. “Enough!!!” I whipped off a piece of paper from the table sharply, looked at the blurry disgraceful inkblot, and crumpled the paper mercilessly, tossing it into a growing pile beside a trash can right after the remains of the quill. “Twilight, pencil! And more paper!” “P-pencil?” The librarian asked nervously. “But… No, no one writes a letter with them! You can’t!” I turned my head slowly and gazed at the unicorn. Why should I give a fuck about using a pencil, you stupid horse?! I said: “Pencil”! Get it and don’t talk gibberish! “Don’t… Care!” I said through teeth. “Pencil! Now!” I screamed, looking at the flustered unicorn point-blank. “F-fine, ok-kay, I got it.” She panted and hastened to find it. It’s surprising how sometimes usual problems can force you into angry state, if there are too much of them, and they shouldn’t be here at all! And everything started pretty all right: I returned to the library, where, besides food and rest, a letter from Princess Celestia awaited me She invites me to drop in on her in Canterlot. Why — didn’t say, she was only interesting in when to send the chariot, that will deliver me to the capital. This surprising “just checking” does mean trouble, in my opinion. Deciding, that the “when to send” question was more likely only rhetorical, as a tribute of politeness, I chose to not wait for the best and to show up to the Princess tomorrow, considering the fact that I don’t have plans on the next day in any case. Now it’s unclear if I even need them… Slight problem — I had to write a short answer. And on this “slight problem” everything has stopped. Maybe the stress played its part, maybe something else, but my awful skills of writing were stooping to a whole new low and now became negative. And this lavender smarty pants put in her two cents… Two bits, damn her, with her essential commands: “You don’t write to a random person, but to HER! Lines flatter! Letters nicer! Addressing is not full in the header!” And, in the end, unsurprisingly, she did it: she drove me crazy. And during my last attempts to write something readable, she was sitting tightly, trying to not show up once again… Unicorn, returning after a few minutes, lowered down before me a clean sheet and graphite pencil wordlessly, and stood aside, casting a dirty look at me. “Thanks.” I said reflexively, taking the pencil and lifting it above the sheet. I thought for a little while about wording: pretty words and fancy dancing aren’t the things I want to do, we can say “hello” to each other during the meeting. She asked when to send the chariot — this is what I’ll answer, nothing more. “I will be awaiting your chariot tomorrow, at eleven in morning, on the same ridge as the last time. Nightmare.” Now we’re talking! “This is not done”, damn you… Quills, in terms of comfort, can’t stand a chance against the pencil. Yeah, sometimes it was clear, that pencil lead break out onto the sheet — didn’t watch over the weight — but everything, that had to be written, is written, and on the first try at last. However, the letters weren’t that beautiful, and lines started to drift down in the end. And the style was rather oldish — I’m still bad at the new grammar. I can read it with pain and misery, but building sentences myself… I cringed. Okay, it would do with a glass of beer, I’m still learning. “Send it.” Folding the sheet four times and making the bend almost sharp with my hoof, I handed it over to gloomy Twi. She got the letter silently and went to kitchen, where Spike was running the show. I rose from the table, feeling, how pleasantly my sleeping muscles are straightening up after long sitting in one pose and looked at the leaving unicorn. “Twilight, listen…” She didn’t turn around and stood still, pointing her left ear towards me. “Listen… Sorry about it.” I apologized rather awkwardly. Damned idiot… I could have stopped her essential directions, but no — I suffered, clenching teeth, until her condescending tone just got me dead. Didn’t go well. Twi, standing for a few seconds, went forward wordlessly, without giving any reaction to me. She felt offended. Damn it. This day started so good… The sky annoys me with its brightness, blueness and small, low hanging clouds, looking especially artificial and childish today, and the painted Sun, motionlessly hanging at the horizon, hurt my eyes unpleasantly. I want… Damn, I don’t know what I want! Don’t want anything — everything just annoys me and drives me crazy. Especially all these plush horses with unnatural muzzles, occurring along the way! So good yesterday not only ended badly itself, but brought a night with it, which was even worse. I dreamed of home. Of summer house, if to be precise, where we had been working and then resting with the parents. And the fact that it was them I was able to understand only by circumstantial signs! I think I, at last, saw faces, heard voices… But after awakening, my memory had only mother’s blue jacket with a fresh paint blot on a sleeve, father’s old classic shoes, strangely mixing well with a dungarees, and the rattle of flame in the brazier, on which we barbecue after a heavy day… And bottomless sky, adorned with a beautiful sunset, on which heavy, endless thunderclouds were moving from the south, preparing to pour down at our house during the night like a solid water wall. It was so real, stunning… And then I woke up in this damned Equestria! With its plain sky, drawn clouds and… Stupid horses, that deliberately walk in the middle of a narrow street, not paying attention at all! Some white mare, with unnatural blue mane and tail, was slowly walking before me, not giving an absolute heck about the outside world, shaking her head rhythmically. Others ponies, seeing me, leaned against walls and fences and followed her with nervous stares. I pushed the slowpoke out of the way on the middle of the road angrily, and was finally able to hasten the pace. “Hey, what… A-a-a!” A resentful exclamation turned to a fearful scream behind my back. I, twitching an ear reflexively because of the sharp sound, hastened to get this stupid horse out of my head, getting back to the thoughts, joyless since the very morning. And of course, such a “great” morning couldn’t be spent in silence and loneliness: I promised to arrive to Celestia in the letter exclusively today! Visit to the bosses — this is what I so fucking need! Slashing my hips with my own tale angrily and barely being able to not roar, I passed by the edge houses and finally left Ponyville, coming to the already known ridge nearby. I didn’t have to wait the chariot: it was already there, with a pair of pegasi-guards. Nodding to the stallions shortly, which followed me with alert and anxious gazes, I got into the cart wordlessly. Ponies, exchanging glances, put their backs into in the same wordless manner, and, after a short run, took off, forcing me to yet again angrily think about unnaturalness of everything that’s going on here. Damned dream! Why the hell do I need these soul-tearing memories now?! There’s no way back, so why reopen old wounds? Shit, it’s so rotten and sickening for my soul… And this shitty brown flying dummy on the right constantly look back at me… He drives me mad, idiot! After another look back pegasus shivered, meeting with my unwinking stare. The chariot shook a bit. “Stop staring already! Look at the road! It’s not firewood that you’re carrying here!” Elevating the voice, I roared at him evilly. Pegasus looked away hurriedly, pretending full concentration on the flight, and getting a sidelong glance from the mate. To get rid of heavy thoughts, I tried to pay attention on something else. Interesting, why Celestia called me? The letter was in her style — somewhat smooth invitation and zero specifics about the business itself. Considering absence of clear reasons, which couldn’t have been said in the letter… Well, I guess that the reason will be barely good for me. Excellent. When you think, that this day is already the worst, it turns out, that you just don’t know everything about it… The mood, that was already shitty from the beginning, started to drop down even more. When the chariot finally went for a landing, my state of mind was absolutely horrible.

…

“Lieutenant Rage Fire.” The bright red mare, with her mane and tail the color of flame, introduced herself shortly as I stepped off the chariot, which had landed and stood still after a short run. Her purple eyes looked at me unkindly and without any fear from under an officer helmet. “Follow me.” It sounded more like an order — not a request. The mare, not waiting for my reaction, turned around sharply and moved towards the gates. Putting down the desire to whack her withers with something heavy, I followed. We were moving around the halls silently. The mare ahead of me was making me angry with her stupid color, with clutter of shoes on stone of the floor, with barely audible creak of some link in the armor, with gazes, that she casts at me from time to time — with everything. It’s good that she’s silent: her voice was high pitched, breaching into your brain, sounded like a circular saw against metal, and I would have lost my mind if she had been speaking… I looked aside from the pony, trying to calm down at least for a bit, examining the surroundings. It doesn’t matter what Tia waits me there, toy or not, but snapping and saying, maybe even doing stupid things are not the best things to do right now. After all, what’s so bad in this world? The fact that it’s not fucking mine! Everything is wrong here! There are no sunrises and no sunsets, the sky is plain, the clouds are toy, the citizens are plush and not serious! There are no clouds, going upward for kilometers, there are no widening clouds for dozens of kilometers, there are no fleecy clouds somewhere above, there are no huge thunderclouds, covering the sky as far as the eye can see, like a saturnine cap. And the ponies themselves are matching the Equestrian toy sky. Bright colors, huge eyes, small wings, stupid horns… Drawn world. Unreal. Fake. In which everyone actually loves, makes friends, hates. And why the heck should I care about it? I want to go home… I sighed through teeth with force. There’s no home anymore. At least I can build a new one here, in Equestria… But still… “Her Highness Princess Celestia is awaiting you in the garden.” My attendant’s sharp voice brought me back. Rage nodded at folding doors shortly, turned around and moved on down the corridor wordlessly. I followed her with a long stare reflexively. Waking up and shaking head, when the pony disappeared at the turn, I opened the doors and found myself on a high front porch, leading in the already known garden with an arbor and grassy pathways. I found Princess right away: the white alicorn stood on a small glade and, as it seemed, was looking sharply right at the Sun. I stepped down from the porch and froze a little bit behind, waiting for her reaction. I didn’t think about any words to start the dialog with, and the mood, as during this morning, was absolutely terrible… Need in talking with someone about something is completely out. Honestly — I wanted to get wasted… “Good day, Nightmare.” Princess turned to me after a few seconds. She looked too welcoming and calmly, not like the situation requires. Somehow, it angered me only more. “Hello.” I answered curtly, making a mask of indifference. “How was your flight to Canterlot?” Princess continued to beat around the bush with the same smile “Fine.” What’s the use of this questions, come on? Just spit it out, don’t mess with my brains! “Hm…” Celestia scowled a bit on my default, stock response. “How it is going for you overall? What’s your opinion about Ponyville?” “Settling in. More or less.” Damn it, just stop this bullshit!!! What’s the use of this vain talk?! I close my eyes and do a few deep inhales, trying to calm down. “Is everything right?” Exponent. How much of concern and delicacy in the voice… Why does she need it? “It is. Maybe you’ll just say why do you need me here?” “Nightmare.” Princess swept a reproachful gaze over me. “I can see, that something bothers you. Tell me what. Maybe I can help?” “Why do you need it…” I waved away angrily. “Just… Just a gross mood. I don’t have any desire to talk talkings. Just get to the business already, if you can.” “I just wanted to cheer you up. Mood cannot be bad without a reason. However, if you don’t want to talk about it — I won’t bother you.” Alicorn sighed. Was it a necessity to say it in such a way, that now I feel like a complete idiot? “About the reason of my letter.” Celestia broke the short, but rather uncomfortable pause. “Unfortunately, it’s far from a pleasant one both for you and me.” I casted an impatient glance at silent once again Princess. She looked at the Sun thoughtfully for a few seconds — didn’t even narrow her eyes! — turned around and looked fixedly right in the eye. I flinched from the question, that Celestia asked in the next second. She knows. Heart skipped a beat.