The Unwanted One

Everything is strange here. For a dead person, I’m thinking too much. There are no chances of being alive after that, even in theory. It was a very bright finale, a finale of which there’d be nothing left to bury. Is it surprising that I feel terrible? It is, because I have no right to feel anything at all. My right leg is aching, my ribs are burning, again, on my right. I can feel iron in my mouth, and I can barely capture my own chaotic thoughts due to the splitting headache. I can’t think… In this state, people would probably begin to ask questions like “Who am I?” and “Where am I?” Maybe it’s an absurd thought, but I can’t think of others. Really, why not? It’s a simple question. “Who am I?” There is an unforgettable, nasty feeling, like when you take your paper for an examination and you see a very easy question on top. You’re the first one to come to the teacher, to take a seat, to read the question, to wait for an approving nod for this very simple and trivial answer… and with fear, you realize — you have nothing to say! Only a minute ago you knew the answer, yet it’s completely out of your memory! You perplexedly look at the treasonous question card. “I know this question! There is a very obvious answer! Nothing serious! What was it?!” The teacher curves an eyebrow ironically as he says, “I expected more from the brave one who came to me with such confidence.” You’re frustrated, you listen to how the clock ticks in the crushing silence of the auditory, and only one thought is in your head. “I know, I definitely know! What was it, God damn it?!” Well, it could have even been funny, if this feeling hadn’t brought up a really trivial question: “Who am I?” Trying to calm down. Okay, step by step, what do I remember? I’m a man. Male. Well, anything else? It’s hard to concentrate, my thoughts are mushing up, raging, crushing with each other… Name, what is my name? Nothing. Empty. Like a slimy snake, fear is crawling into my heart. No. No-no-no! Your own name — it’s not what you can just forget! Remember!!! COME ON!!! Okay, calm down! Panicking will not help! Let’s take a look from another side: What did others call me? My relatives, my friends? And now it’s really frightening. I had relatives and friends, I had! I know it, I’m absolutely sure! But I can’t remember their faces, their names, nothing! I frantically travel through my memories: fragments of some conversations, emotions, feelings… Conversations with whom? Whom are these emotions for? I almost feel how fear becomes a sticking terror. How is it possible? What should I do? I can’t forget this! Did I really forget it all? What do I even remember? I try to catch my last thought, like a drowning man tries to catch anything, that can help him, even a straw. Its logicality and rationality barely allow to quell the rising panic. Maybe, I can find something in my other memories? Then, like a chain reaction, I will remember everything! Right?! Surprisingly, impersonal information can be found very easily and is frighteningly clear. The keyboard layout, the scheme of assembling and disassembling of an AK-74M, the scheme of steam engine, the most effective way of clearing rust from a kettle, the recipe of the “Mimosa” salad — all in extreme detail. Many of these memories, one would think, forgotten long ago because of uselessness. And sadly, complete absence of even a bit of personal information. But I do remember something, and that helps me to slightly calm myself. Panic gradually becomes cold-blooded emptiness and depressive grief about losing something important, something… No, I can’t remember what it is. A heavy sigh automatically exits my mouth. Ah, damn it! It’s painful! A deep inhale replies with a shot of pain in my right side. What is wrong with me?! Where am I?! With a heavy apathy these questions are not so interesting for me, but with a force of will, I turn my attention to them, just to stop thinking about… just to stop thinking. I start concentrating on my feelings. My head was aching heavily, and it felt as if something like a fiery dowel was hammered into my forehead. My eyes are closed, I’m lying on my belly, and the surface is solid and chilly, like concrete. My pose is not comfortable, my left hand, on which my poor head is resting, is swollen and I can barely feel it. My right side aches annoyingly, like I hit something against it very hard. It seems like nothing special, but how these “annoying aches” turn into sharp, painful shots from each inhalation, it leads to not so optimistic thoughts. My right leg, seemingly, got its part too, but it’s unclear how serious it is. I can feel something like a deserted and distinctive metal spice of blood in my mouth. And there’s more… I hear voices? Yes, someone is talking, but it’s like through a pillow; I can’t make out the words. But I swear to God, I can hear sobbing. What the heck is going on here? I don’t like this at all… I open my eyes. A small stone rise is before me, and I can hear conversation somewhere behind it. Raise a little, raise my head… Having my head dropped again, I shut my eyes, trying to come to terms with what I just saw. And what do I do with all of this? Either my head is even more broken than I thought or, as the saying goes, something far worse. It’s not a big problem to recognize the scene from my selective defective memory. Eight multicolored horses, a big one, with a multicolored mane, that waves as though it is in the wind, hugs a smaller dark blue one with her wing. Both are crying with all their hearts, saying something to each other; the other six are just standing by in a semicircle. It’s not clear what they’re doing from my point of view. But considering the only one, whose muzzle I can see, her eyes are filled with tears, that she furtively brushes aside these with her hoof. Around me is a destroyed hall, big lancet windows without glass; cracked and ivy-cloaked columns; a ceiling with many holes in it. I watched the cartoon, so memory is reporting about the seen situation with details: The Elements of Harmony set Princess Celestia free and brought back the good side of her sister — Princess Luna. And this just happened, in the half-ruined castle of the Two Sisters, somewhere in the Everfree forest, which is situated in the friendly and magic country of Equestria. Of course, there would be a question about, “Which of the mad houses of the city am I in?” But… What’s the point of these thoughts, if there was no way I could have survived?! And more, it feels so realistic… Well, let’s pretend for a moment, that this situation is real, then a question appears, “From what point of view am I seeing it?”. If I remember the canon right, there can’t be any more than these eight. Am I laying here in my own body? If it’s true, I can’t understand what it is, as the memory of my own appearance is completely gone with my name as well. I sadly chuckle at this thought. I open my eyes again and look at my left hand… No, it’s definitely not a hand! Long, maybe even an elegant limb, covered with black fur, and at the end there’s slightly rumpled and scratched silver… What’s the name for it? Looks like a part of some armor. God damn it, I’m forgetting like a low scorer on an exam! If it’s not a hand, then it’s a leg, and it’s a shoe on it! Am I really a pony? Fantastic… Wait, stop. A bad feeling is looming In the corner of my mind. Something looks suspicious, I can feel it… What? Black, velvety looking, fur? I think not, not this… A leg? A leg instead of a hand — it’s like… but no, this is not the issue either… To be precise, not the leg itself! It’s tall, almost until the knee, silver, slightly shabby. And I saw things like that were worn in the cartoon by… I tear my dry tongue off the palate, lead it through my teeth — travelling over really big fangs, not fit for a pony. Even for human beings these are too untypical! Especially when you find that there are eight on up and down of the jaw! The longest ones, three or four centimeters long, were by the edges of an unusually square jaw, and they were slightly curved inwards, slim and sharp. Considering all this, my body, and the situation around… Did I panic when I didn’t know who I was? Well, it seems, that now I do. Fucking hell…