Awake

[Sunday, 11/27/2022 10:00 AM] — This costs fifty euros? Are you fucking kidding me? — Daniel looked incredulously at his dish, where something resembling a steak was lying humbly, half-concealed under mini-spinach to deceive an innocent eater. In focus was only this huge white plate; he couldn’t see what was around him yet, neither could he make out people’s speech — all sounds reached him as if through six feet of water or bad-quality headphones. But then he heard infectious laughter and a very clear voice: — You were the one who picked out a restaurant in the very center, what did you expect? Daniel, without much hope, poked the meat with the fork — it bounced off, barely scraping the surface. He glanced at the opposite plate — thin pieces of lamb with lingonberry sauce looked a hundred times better than what he got. With lightning speed, he sneaked one piece and immediately shoved it in his mouth. — Mmmm, I can even chew it! And it has a taste! I see — they deliberately slipped me an imitation of a steak. One of their kitchen staff is a bad guy I put behind bars, and now he is taking revenge on me. — It rings incredibly true — we’re going to face a cruel murderer who went to prison thanks to you, and was not only released but also moved to Amsterdam, got a job as a chef in a restaurant, and is taking revenge on you with… food? — Exactly. Now I’ll check if he’s also taking revenge on me with the wine, — Daniel took the glass and sipped cautiously. — I have to say that my theory has not been confirmed, this is quite a decent low-budget… shiraz. — You looked at the label! — What are you talking about? Don’t you know that French parents teach children the basics of wine tasting from the age of two? — Sounds like a lie, a blatant one. — Okay, eight. — Okay, I’ll believe it. Only now Daniel felt that he could raise his head and finally look at who he was talking to. A turquoise T-shirt with a slightly frayed collar that revealed the collarbones. Daniel remembered exactly how this curve leading from the neck to the fossa above the right collarbone felt under his fingers when the touch quickened the pulse and moved further caressing the warm smooth skin to soon give way to the lips that went to the shoulder, and then Adam tilted his head slightly to the left, and the muscles of his long neck tensed a little and… Adam! Where did this name come from?! — Are you okay? — Adam’s (?) smile faltered a bit. — Very. — Daniel covered the person’s hand with his, and again, even before contact, he knew what it would feel like — the skin on the back of the palm would be a little dry and rough, because Adam was thin-skinned in every sense, and this constant work with paints and solvents was a little less good for people than you might think. — The chances that I won’t start binge-drinking after one glass of wine are extremely high! — the joke was not a hit — Adam twitched as if from an electric shock and lowered his gaze. — I didn’t think anything like that. — Then I didn’t think at all about the fact that you were just looking at the food, as if you didn’t understand what it was, how it got here, and what level of threat emanated from it. — Daniel rather defiantly guzzled half a glass. — Seriously, I have no reason to get drunk, you can trust me. — Can I? — Adam reached for his glass, so it became unclear whether his question related to Daniel’s remark or whether he was asking permission to try the shiraz. — You can, — Daniel pushed the wine towards him. — Are you going to knock it back neat, like an adult, or do you want to dilute it? — Who dilutes wine? — Well, they don’t give the real stuff to children just like this; they dilute it until you’re twelve or so. — Wait, so it’s not a joke that your parents allowed you to drink alcohol? — Shock was clearly visible on Adam’s face. — No, not alcohol, it was wine! And not every day. I have an idea! Let’s not talk about anyone’s parents! — I like this toast! — Adam dipped his nose into the glass, then drank almost without fear. — Hmm, interesting… substance. — Such an exhaustive review! — Daniel ate another piece of his dish to make the amount of food look less scary. Adam sighed slightly with relief and also picked up his fork. — Have you thought about becoming a sommelier? — I sure have. Keep being torn between a barista and a sommelier. — He finally brought a piece of lamb to his mouth and began chewing slowly and with noticeable effort. Daniel watched this as if it were a complex surgical operation or the movements of a sapper — as if at any moment something could go terribly wrong. But it seemed that this time everything worked out: Adam even fixed his gaze on the potatoes, ordered in a fit of culinary adventurism, but then he backed down and, admitting defeat, spooned the spinach that was still lying untouched on the steak. Daniel exhaled. — After all, I can return my order, like brave adults do. — Yep! Show them who’s the Karen here! — Wharton, you still have so much to learn about the human world! You mixed everything up again: a person cannot be considered a Karen if their complaints are justified. — It’s too difficult! Remind me who are the Kardashians? And RuPaul. — You demand too much from me. — Daniel poured himself a second glass. — Um, the dilemma: die of hunger or upset the cook… And the waitress looked so friendly. — Pfft! Look how it should be done! — Adam suddenly raised his hand and said quite loudly: — Miss! Señora! Mevrouw! We have an urgent issue to address! It sounded like a clap of thunder in the tiny restaurant. The few visitors stared at them. If there was a bartender, he would stop polishing glasses. It seemed that even the clocks (there were five of them on one of the walls) had stopped and the curtains on the windows quit fluttering in the wind. — Good afternoon! — Daniel waved his hand. — Never mind, he’s American, we all know how loud and rude they are, — he deliberately put on a French accent, — but if the waitress came over, it would be nice. — Hey, I could have handled it myself! — Adam said indignantly but much more quietly. — You’re wasted, cool it off. — I can’t be… — he suddenly fell silent. — Or can I? Is it what intoxication feels like? — You should see your cheeks now. Not to mention this act of debauchery. Adam was so amazed by this discovery that he automatically chewed another piece of meat. The waitress was already approaching them. She looked like someone’s cheerful grandmother: in a light dress with a floral pattern, an apron, and glasses — she was a little plump and smiling. She stood at the table, one fist resting on her hip, the other hand clutching the tray. One could easily believe that she could cope with a crowd of tipsy sailors in a second. She wouldn’t even lose her breath and keep smiling and maybe joking. Seeing that Daniel was silent for some reason, Adam kicked him under the table and, without receiving any reaction to this, ventured to speak himself: — This steak is no good. — Well, there’s some good in it, — the waitress disagreed. — It could make an excellent doorstop, no? They stared at her in amazement. — Relax, boys, this is not my first day here. — Her English was very good, with a slight hint of “z” instead of “th.” — What do you want me to bring you instead of this product of misunderstanding and neglect? — She took the plate. — Something that will constitute food. Meat. — I think you’ll need some strength today, — she winked. — Well, you know, for excursions. — We spent six hours at the Van Gogh Museum today, — said Adam, — so we’re unlikely to go anywhere else. — I hope he understands your hints better than mine, — the waitress looked at Daniel, raised an eyebrow, and poured Adam some wine. — Oh, we are long past hints. If we even were there at all. — Yeah, — Adam confirmed, valiantly taking a tiny sip. — If I die from this, my paintings will increase in price! Before you initiate your fiendish plot with this woman, you should at least make sure that your name is in the will. — Is it there? — No. Everything will go to dog shelters. — Is it true? — No. You will inherit your portrait. And my self-portrait. You will have to hang it on the wall in the best observation spot so that my gaze will accompany you every day. Every single day and every word you say, every game you play, every night you stay I’ll be watching you. — Creeeeeeepy. But okay, I agree. — And you know what? I’ll probably leave the painting from here for you too. — Seriously? Are you bequeathing De Ruijterkade to me? But wasn’t it a commission? — Hmm, then I’ll paint some other canal or embankment for you. But we’ll have to stay here for a while longer, that’s too bad! — What a bummer, — Daniel agreed, smiling over his glass.

***

— Do you want to hear something unbearably mushy? — Adam’s voice sounded so calm and relaxed that it was difficult to recognize him. — Of course, I do. — I think right now is the most perfect moment in my life. Even if I live to an old age and forget everything, this is what will remain in my memory — if not in images, then in sensations. Daniel had a hard time resisting comments and questions: “But how?.. But why?.. Shouldn’t all the best be in the future?” In fact, it was difficult not to agree that all the attributes of perfection were there: they were sitting on one of the Bloemgracht bridges — a couple of steps from the Anne Frank Museum, but far enough from the crowds of tourists who strangely deprived Jordan of their attention, so that there was no constant arms outstretched for selfies and stereotypical remarks: “Why are there no women in the windows?”, “When will this space muffin kick off?”, “If you can’t smoke weed on the streets, why does every nook and cranny smell of it?” — the latter was true, even now the slightly swampy smell of the canal was mixed with the subtle aroma of Amsterdam, hand-wrapped and slightly smoldering between the fingers. Instead of stupid questions in all the languages under the sun, they could only hear the rattling of ancient bicycles and the rather confident sounds of piano music from the open windows of the building on the left. In some incredible way, all this, coupled with residential barges and boats covered with tarpaulins, elms, beeches, and maples looking into the cloudy water, and black and brown houses created a feeling of completeness and recognition. As if it had always been this way; as if there had been nothing in the past except this same calmness, contentment, and warmth of the person sitting next to you. — We could stay here, — Daniel’s voice became hoarse for some reason. — Hm? — Adam looked at him with a half-smile. — What about your job? — You will be my sugar daddy. — Oh, I would really like to see this! — Adam laid his head on Dan’s shoulder again. — Do you think you could do it? — But why — this is the simplest thing in the world, mister! You will continue to earn a lot of money with your paintings, and I… will do everything that sugar babies do. We need to find out what it is exactly. — Daniel Lam — you are the most ridiculous person in the world. — And I’m proud of this title; it didn’t come easily to me. — But no matter how wonderful it is here, it is vital for me to quickly find ourselves in a place where I can get to something more interesting than your wrist. — We’re in Amsterdam — everything is allowed here, everywhere, — Daniel whispered, kissing him on the forehead. — What a terrible lie! I hope you don’t spread this information, someone could get hurt! — Damn, so you won’t agree to pretend that I’m just taking a close look at the stuck zipper on your pants? — Daniel! — Adam’s face turned frighteningly red, and the color quickly spread to his neck. — Well then, do you mind if I throw you over my shoulder so I can run to the hotel faster? — We will definitely attract the attention of the police. — Then we’ll just have to be boring and walk. — That’s right. Just wait another minute, the finishing touch is missing. — Adam raised his face to him and, with his eyes closed, as if he wanted to remember only the sensation, his lips found the chin, cheek, corner of his mouth, and finally his lips. It was a very slow kiss, when one movement takes the entire inhalation and half of the exhalation, and the tongues barely touch. One of Adam’s hands remained on Daniel’s wrist, his thumb tracing circles on the thin skin above his palm, and with the other, he held onto the green metal railing of the bridge, as if seeking grounding. Daniel felt that he was falling forward and, in order not to completely collapse with Adam onto the pavement, he rested his hands on the worn stones behind him.

***

Daniel still couldn’t get used to the way Adam was looking at him. You could bet that his pupils would enlarge in the brief moment that Daniel couldn’t see them as he was pulling off his T-shirt. In this gaze, one could read open admiration and the remnants of disbelief that this was happening right in front of him, for him, with him, in reality. He seemed to forget to breathe and tried to blink faster so as not to miss a second. Daniel did not like to delay undressing, and after a minute he took off the last piece of clothing, dropping it on the floor without much care. — I’ll be back from the shower in five. Will you wait for me or are you coming with me? — No, I won’t wait, — Adam grabbed his hand. — Oh, the evening of primitive instincts! Great, — Daniel leaned over and took condoms out of his jeans pocket. — Nope. — Adam took them from him and threw them on the floor. — Umm, what does this mean? — I know you don’t like this latex aftertaste in my mouth. — But that doesn’t mean that… — Calm down and pretend that you believe that I’m doing this for you, — Adam kneeled impatiently and pressed his face against Daniel’s crotch, at first doing nothing, just wrapping his hands around his hips, as if looking for support in a moment of dizziness. Then he looked up, smiled, and said: — This is the most fascinating place on planet Earth. — Hmm, what about my soul? — Unfortunately, unless there is a way to lick souls and understand what they taste like, your soul is just a runner-up. — But you haven’t yet… Oh! — Contrary to the statement that was made just now, no licking followed, and the tip was immediately sucked into the airless space. Adam’s fingers moved to his buttocks and grabbed them quite tightly. — Wow, such impudence! — Mmm. — Stop talking with your mouth full. Adam stopped talking, but his lips moved higher in a heroic but futile attempt to accommodate the entirety of the penis. Daniel patted him on the shoulder. — I don’t know what’s happening to you today, but let’s somehow try to avoid damaging the upper bronchi, shall we? It will be awkward to explain how that happened. Adam pulled away to say: — If you don’t stop talking, I’ll pinch you. — So maybe I should also busy my mouth with something? — No. Just let me do what I want. — Okay, I’ll shut up. — He did stop articulating anything that made sense, but, of course, he couldn’t remain silent. The chaotic activity that unfolded around his penis was not distinguished by virtuosity, and a couple of times there was, undoubtedly, a collision with the larynx, which only miraculously didn’t lead to a disaster, but Adam managed to retreat to a safe position and catch his breath. It seems that he was trying to discover not only the limits of his tonsil sensitivity but also the full extent of his tongue flexibility. However, the imperfection of the technique was more than sufficiently compensated by the realization that Adam was clearly full of enthusiasm and enjoying the process. Daniel stroked his hair and tried not to look, so as not to get overwhelmed and not give in to the desire to start moving. But at some point, he felt the head pushing against the inside of Adam’s cheek, glanced down, and it almost became too much. — It’s time you let me out. — Pinch. — Hey, who am I doing it for? A second pinch, followed by a movement forward and an even stronger squeeze of the buttocks, clearly indicated that there was no way anybody was heading out. Daniel stopped trying to free himself, hoping Adam knew what he was doing. Very soon the thought became easy to ignore, a couple more movements made him come, and he only managed to unclench his hands so as not to grab Adam by the hair. Quickly sinking to the floor and trying to regain clarity of vision, he patted Adam’s hand. — Spit it on the floor, who cares? Nothing happened. Nothing happened five seconds later either, or ten. — Adam? — Mmm? — Daniel saw his Adam’s apple jump. — You didn’t?.. — Yeah. — Damn, why did you do that?! — Daniel looked at him almost in horror. — Because it’s considered romantic. — Where?! Who thinks so?! — Come on. It was interesting. Give me some water. Daniel brought some tap water in a glass from the bathroom and, holding it out, said: — Don’t kiss me. But, of course, as soon as he finished drinking the water, Adam knocked him onto the floor and kissed. — It was mind-blowing! — That was some blowing for sure. — I’m still dressed. — If you are hoping I’m going to return the favor right now… — Oh, no, I hope that you will quickly recover from this and fuck me. — Direct much, huh? Is this a side effect of two sips of alcohol or am I just irresistible? — A combination of factors. — But if you take the condoms away from me again… — Hey, I’m looking for adventures, not trouble! — Phew, thanks for the small mercies! But the pause dragged on for almost an hour, half of which Daniel talked to Madame Lam, whose call he had the imprudence to answer. He had to listen to a story about how she spent six months in Amsterdam in the “divine 80s when it really was the city of vice.” But this awkward part of the conversation was balanced by the second half, in which the parent boasted that her friend had purchased “a new Adam” for her Milan living room. Yes, she had this way of saying not “a new Wharton”, but “a new Adam”, so that everyone would immediately understand that she personally knew the artist. And now she “was just dying” to see the master. Looking at the closed bathroom door, Daniel, after some hesitation, finally decided not to make his mother too familiar with Adam and promised to show him another time. — Oh, you’re busy?! Why didn’t you tell me at once? — “Really, what didn’t I? — thought Daniel. “Next time I’ll do it!” — Bye, have fun! It wasn’t awkward in the slightest. The place was conducive to bringing a little more local flavor to life and uncorking a bottle of Amsterdam Gold. Daniel wanted to get the effect, but at the same time not give Adam a heart attack, so, after giving it a bit of thought, he opened the window, just in case, and, dripping a few drops on a napkin, closed the bottle. Apparently, Adam was just waiting for the end of the telephone conversations — he immediately ran out of the bathroom and pinned Daniel to the bed. — I’m ready! Oh, and you’re ready! — Quick, magic napkin! — Adam looked in bewilderment at what was thrust under his nose. — What is this? Oh, what is this?! — I really hope that none of us will die. Just in case, you have to know that the apartment in Lakeview is divided in the will between you and Mimi. — We have already discussed my last will, so stop stalling, it’s unbearable! — Adam leaned down and kissed him, and Daniel tried to feel for the condom, which, as he remembered, was definitely somewhere nearby, along with a bottle of lubricant without a stupid screw cap. — What are you doing there? — Adam’s pupils, which were already dilated before, became gigantic. He slapped Daniel’s hand, managed to grab the silver square almost on the first try, and, with trembling hands, rolled the rubber over Daniel’s penis. His breathing became hopelessly ragged. —Listen, tell me right away if you feel something strange. — Look at yourself. — Adam, I’m serious! — I feel a strange desire to gag and tie you up so that I can take advantage of you totally unhindered. — His speech was slurred, so one could not vouch for the accuracy of the last word: perhaps it was unhinged, unholy, or unhastily. Anyway, everything sounded equally tempting. — It’s probably best for you to stay on top: it’s less likely that you’ll lose consciousness without me noticing. — God, you are so caring! — it seems that Adam wanted to pat him on the cheek, but it was almost a slap across the face, leaving a trace of lubricant on half of it. But this didn’t bother anyone, because Adam was finally able to center himself and start lowering on the dick that had been ready for this for a long time. He bit his lip, but his eyes immediately opened even wider than before. — What is this? Why?.. — New sensations? Slow down, and no sudden movements, you still shouldn’t carelessly slide down right away. — I think I can! — You may think a lot of things right now. — Okay, I won’t, — Adam said, immediately sliding down the length. — Damn, I… — but he didn’t manage to finish the sentence, because his tongue quickly found itself sucked into someone else’s mouth, in which there was no longer any taste except toothpaste. The vision began to blur, and other sensations, on the contrary, became more intense. After a couple of slow movements up and down, the rhythm began to rapidly pick up. His heart was pounding in the throat, in the ears, in the fingertips, and his skin felt the movement of air and responded to the microscopic touches of dust particles. He didn’t care that it was just breathing in his ear, he reacted stormly to everything at once, and all the time he was so close to the peak that when he reached it, it was as if he continued to move further by inertia, at the same height, only his vision grew dark for a couple of moments, and when it returned, Daniel felt that Adam had fallen powerlessly on top of him and was breathing heavily into his neck. The presence of breathing was reassuring. — We’ll always have Amsterdam, — Adam said barely audibly. — Always, — Daniel confirmed, waking up with this word. There was no need to write anything down: it was unlikely he could ever forget it. He sat up abruptly, startling Mimi, who had first expected a lazily dangling hand, and not a whole person vigorously awakening. — Mi, we have an urgent matter. Breakfast will be later, — Daniel announced, and within ten minutes they were almost running to Lincoln Park. Daniel did not know what he would do if no one was in his place at the Lily Pool. Why would anyone be there? But even if Adam is there, how can you explain your crazy behavior to him? Wouldn’t this sound like the most idiotic attempt to hit on someone? I know you! I dreamed of you! The main thing was not to think. The fog of sleep had not yet completely cleared from my head; Adam was still everywhere on his skin. The ragged breathing, apparently, was also a consequence of the experience in the dream, so when the man and the dog reached the pool, neither of them could speak. Adam looked back hearing the hoarse breathing behind him and saw two creatures with almost identically protruding tongues. — Oh, hi, you’re here too? — He smiled as if they always met at this place. Daniel grabbed his side, cursing himself for such an unimpressive appearance, and was finally able to say: — Adam. — There was no question mark. The artist frowned slightly and looked somewhere behind Daniel, perhaps looking out for the police just in case. — Adam, you have a mole here, — he pointed somewhere at the general vicinity of the navel. The artist covered himself with the painting and began to slowly retreat. — Crap! — Daniel tried to collect his thoughts. — I’m Daniel! — Very… nice to meet you, — the answer came, without much certainty. — Ruijterkade! Ruijterkade! — he shouted in despair as if it were a password that would cancel the launch of a bomb capable of destroying all living things. Adam blinked quickly and exhaled in response: — Ruijterkade.