Change the reality

Still with the bag in my hands and a tingling sensation in my side, I continued to run desperately up the stairs, it seemed like there was no choice but to stop. The heavy footsteps still echoed behind me, but the guy wasn’t going to give up. Some floors had burned out lamps and no lights, and now I was running like a madwoman from the fourth to the fifth floor, and I nearly flew backwards headlong into the darkness. At the moment of the flight, to my surprise, I happened to notice with the corner of my eye how this psycho, being a few meters away from me, stretched out his arms, I even thought that for a second in his eyes flashed fear. Disgust at the situation made me convulsively clutch my hands to the railing and immediately pushing off the steps with renewed strength to rush up the stairs. “He is literally fucking crazy! No, no, and no again! I will not fall right into his hands!” These thoughts clearly added oil to the fire and, despite the difficulty of breathing with pain in my side, I ran to my floor, digging keys in my pocket. As soon as they were in my hands, the same shaking hands I tried to insert them into the keyhole. They fell to the concrete floor with a ringing sound. -Shit! -a strangled scream drowned out the pounding of my own heart. Quickly lifting my ticket to escape the cold concrete, I turned my head toward the stairwell, clutching my keys in my hands. He was standing on the stairs just a few meters away from me, leaning on the railing and breathing heavily, time seemed to stand still and we met gazes. His big brown eyes were like a huge maze with no way out, they were full of madness and it seemed as if his damn eyes were glowing in the darkness. “Damn madman, it’s like his eyes are glowing…” As soon as he moved I instantly inserted the keys into the keyhole, just one click and I already opened the door ajar and flew inside, and then pulled it with all my weight on myself and locked it. A sigh of relief escaped from my throat, because although I was sitting on the dirty floor of the vestibule, in total darkness, but from this lunatic I was separated by the door, which served me and my “family” for more than ten years, only the lock is sometimes changed. It took me about ten seconds, and I thought the nutcase was going to turn around and leave, but then the door I was sitting by, with my back against it, shuddered with a rumble, and I was hit so hard that I had to crawl away. “Good God, holy Slender! Is he not going to leave me alone this time?” Of course, it was ironic to call a faceless monster that cuts people up and subjugates them to his will a saint, but it was too sudden.Not waiting for this crazy guy to kick down the door, I jumped up from the floor and fumbled for the wall switch to turn on the light, the kid went quiet and I, without wasting time grabbed the bag and turned off the light and fell into the apartment, hurriedly locking the door.Even in the apartment I could hear him still pounding on the door. -I am nervous about him….-whispering and nervously glanced at the iron door of the apartment and locked it two more times, and then noticed that I was still wearing shoes…-Now I had to clean the floors…-with a heavy sigh and a burden on my soul, I took off my shoes and threw the bag into the kitchen. I changed into a plain black T-shirt and the same shorts and cleaned the floors in the hallway, and after putting the kettle on I went to my room. Despite all the nervousness and almost ruined evening it had not yet had time to become such, now I was about to my favorite activity — drawing. Of course, my drawings were more than amateurish, but they suited me fine. Taking from the table a simple, but enough written sketchbook and a black pen I went to the kitchen. Next to my room was a corridor at the end of which stood a simple refrigerator.Just behind the wall began the kitchen, the kitchen is a room three by three meters with light wallpaper and a green set, at the right wall was an oval table of black color, on it in the corner stood a small TV, the remote control from which has long been hopelessly broken. To the left of the TV was a white electric kettle. It turned off victoriously, a little while later I went to the faucet and splashed cold water in my face, washing my face well, trying to wash away all the negativity. -And when does this stop?..-I was shaking my head a little because of the headache, than I poured myself a cup of tea and walked over to the mirror, looking at my face again. It had seemed absolutely not mine for years, and my body was wrong. For more than five years I had to get along with my own gender dysphoria, I felt as if “upstairs” had messed something up and given me someone else’s body. Skinny, feminine and well-shaped*. I was uncomfortable in it, I look in the mirror literally every day and time after time I imagine a guy in my place, also skinny, but a guy.The most ordinary, brown eyes, the same faint freckles as mine, dark brown hair to the ears, which is so beautifully curly.Yes, my hair is curly too, of course, but I do not like the fact that they are so long. I took one last look in the mirror and went back to my desk.The mood was gone, but through the strength of my fingers clutched the pen, and lines began to appear on the blank sheet, drawing the silhouette of a young guy, the same one I see in my place every day.Suddenly, the phone lying next to me vibrated.

***

Lisa

online.

-How are you doing, Kar? 11.14pm

Almost okay.

What about you? -

11.14pm

-Is it happening again? 11.15pm

Yes, but that’s not the point.-

11.15pm

-Okay, okay, I’m fine. -Okay. 11.15pm

Lisyon, you remember what I want to try, right? -

11.15pm

-Of course I remember, but isn’t shifting kinda dangerous? 11.15pm -They say it’s not fully understood and safe. 11.16pm

It’ll be fine, it’s just a dream, right? -

11.16pm

-Right. 11.16pm

Don’t worry! -

11.16pm

We’re in bed by 12am? -

11.16pm

-Well, if its 12 am, then 12 am. 11.16pm

Done! -

11.16pm

***

Turning my phone off and putting it aside I smiled and leaned back, but I fell. I completely forgot, that I was sitting on a stool, it happens all the time. “I always forget we changed from chairs to stools, eh.” Picking myself up off the floor I picked up my phone again, glancing thoughtfully at the lit up display.

11.17pm

+6°

October 1, Thursday.

“Just how much more of this twentieth year will drag me around?” I finished my tea and cleaned up, then went into the hall, a room to the right of the entrance, about three by three meters. There was a large, light-colored couch against the far wall, and the wallpaper was light-colored. I had to make a bed for myself, though reluctantly.After that, my hands reached for the phone and went to the coveted tik tok.The whole feed was filled with jokes, art, atmospheric videos and voice lines of creepypasta characters. After about five minutes, I came across an interesting video of Ben Drowning, and I listened to his chatter in English, translating the words as I went and sometimes improvising.Suddenly remembering the time, I exited the app and put the phone aside, about to go to bed.Suddenly, the same young, ringing laughter, with a handful of madness, like it was on these video, came out of the phone’s speaker.The water was splashing in the background, I could hear it clearly. Emotions took over and I crawled to the other end of the couch, then… I heard someone being drowned, a grown man wheezing and choking. I was scared for that person, I heard laughter again and the phone went off abruptly. There was silence. -What was that? -i stammered as I slowly, nervously approached the phone. Gently taking it in my hands I examined it, tried to turn it on-nothing.Shaking hands again clamped the power button and the screen lit up, the phone finally turned on. “Everything seems to be normal, what time is it anyway?” A pathetic attempt to calm myself down, nervously exhaling throwing it on the couch.

11.31pm

+7°

October 1, Thursday.

I’m still trying to calm the trembling in my hands, so I decide to go out on the balcony and get some fresh air. The fall cold is sobering. “God, it smells like tobacco… And cheap, fucked up.” I wrinkle my nose and cringe at the strong smell of cheap tobacco, then I look under my feet, surprisingly there’s a cigarette butt smoldering under them, and there are no smokers in the house, there’s nobody else here but me. I twitch from nerves and look around, trying to figure out where it could have come from. There’s no wind, the neighbors upstairs don’t smoke, in general there’s no argument. Nobody would climb to the sixth floor balcony just to smoke, right? -Nonsense. -I’m grumbling to myself like a grandma in the driveway of the neighboring house. Not wanting to “enjoy” the smell of tobacco, I go back to the apartment. I turn off the light and lie down on the bed, the phone is back in my hands and I start to reread my script, like a mantra, memorizing it. After all, if I succeed, a new life, a new body and a new reality awaits me. Nervously clenching my fists I relax my body and start to imagine a new one, for this I don’t need anything else. Curly, dark brown hair down to my ears, like Tikki-Toby’s.Pale skin, faint freckles on my cheeks and nose.Dark eyebrows.Only a few centimeters taller than me-meter sixty.Then the clothes… Black socks and sneakers, chest pads, a black T-shirt a size or two bigger, the most ordinary jeans with a belt, a black hoodie a size bigger, the same gloves. I imagine a backpack with various things next to me, my consciousness arranges a clearing, I start to fall somewhere rapidly, my body goes numb.