Mercy

The window is wide open, but it is still hard to breathe. The shadows are whispering outside, preventing him from letting his mind wander and falling asleep. Clouds are running across the sky, illuminated by a dim moon. Half asleep, he thinks his bed to be floating among the dirty tangled clouds. M-21 is not afraid of nightmares. But his wounds are too green, the memories are too painful. Once you touch a memory, you definitely cut your fingers with the fragments falling apart in your hands. But he is used to the pain. Is it possible not to experience it from virtually everything? That was what he was thinking until everything changed. And he will grow into carefully rearranging these memories. Collected bit by bit and just barely glued together, they will stop hurting him when he lets go of the past. But now he has begun to fear the future. M-21 did not dare to think about it before. It did not make any sense. All the test subjects dreamt of a future when they would be free or of gaining their power and learning to control it. And he was no exception, but did not genuinely believe that he could sustain till the end. His ultimate dream was to die a hero. Firstly, he fought for himself, then he did for his friends. And he survived. That was the main problem. That was not supposed to happen. He wanted to destroy the Union but did not expect to outlast it. Now he can let go of his past. True, he still has not found his name as well as he has not kept his promise to his comrades-in-arms. There are no more elders left in the Union to question them. There are no more personal enemies of M-21 left there. And as for the data... the ones which could have been of use for him are also gone. If Frankenstein had learned anything, he would have reported it. M-21 firmly stated his terms. But Frankenstein did not find anything that could provide insights into M-21’s past. He was left with nowhere to return and no place to go. His routine is disrupted. It would seem that after an incredible victory they could relax, stop being scared of their own shadows and forget about their combat transformations. They would start living like normal people. At a casual glance nothing is lacking for comfort: they have a home, their work, colleagues, and a family... well, a kind of a family. There is only one thing missing. They do not understand how to live. What to dream about, what to strive for? Only a couple of people out of them eight knew exactly what they wanted. The nobles had to return to Lukedonia. This was not Regis and Seira’s wish but the Lord left them no choice, Rael following Seira before a similar order was brought to his attention. He might have been sorry to leave the human world, too; but Seira was starting to look at him differently than before. He could probably hope that her judgement would not change due to the change of location. Raizel continues to go to school, spending as much time as possible with the children. He seems to be improving in health every day, and yet M-21, more used to the Noblesse after the time spent together, senses his vague, barely noticeable bewilderment. It is as if Raizel does not understand how he has indulged himself to live like this. Even though the balance in the world has been restored. As far as M-21 understands, Noblesse is never free. Raizel is staying in the place he loves only temporarily, and somewhere far away an ancient estate awaits him, sure to open its gates for the owner sooner or later. M-21 and Takeo mostly loaf around the house. At work, they are now being tasked by Tao, who has his hands full. But at home, Tao – although he is left in charge – is afraid to command right and left. He still waits for Frankenstein’s orders. But the scientist is rarely seen. He travels around the country a lot, and even has to fly abroad to check on the foreign units. When he is at home, he spends all his time downstairs. Having respectfully but hastily apologized to the Master, he goes down to the laboratory and locks himself there. The work takes over his head. Whether there is more inspiration or compulsion in such perseverance, M-21 has no idea as soon as Frankenstein has never discussed it. But everyone at home knows that he is exploring the new way which might help to restore Raizel’s vitality, seeing as it worked so unexpectedly last time. Frankenstein has used everything: his observations, the developments of the Union, the foundations of the werewolves’ theory. (One of the articles of peace with them was the free exchange of data, which both sides had to strictly follow.) In one word, no wonder Frankenstein has seemed extremely wound up and somehow crazier than usual lately. But inexplicably happier. Maybe, it is so as for the first time his calling has brought him so close to his cherished goal – to save the Master. Of course, Tao has to be enjoying his life. In gratitude for the titanic effort he made in saving the world from all sorts of manmade disasters, Frankenstein offered him a position of a school director. Tao, who already had some idea of the boss’s plans, still took the news very much to heart, being overly emotional even for himself. As he later explained to both M-21 and Takeo, all those changes had already been anticipated by him, so he was not that surprised. If Frankenstein was going to devote himself entirely to his scientific research, he simply had no choice but to leave management of the school to someone else. And Tao, having already intervened in the process of managing the institution, was the obvious choice. And yet Tao was touched and could not completely believe that such a tip of the hat had finally fallen on him. To be granted authority not for one’s professional qualities, but for one’s human plus professional qualities – what an achievement it is! But M-21 and Takeo’s future is not at all promising. It is a good job Frankenstein has made no mention whatever that since the trouble is over, it is high time for the modified ones to look for a new place of residence, as well as for a new job. Has he just got used to them? Or does the school really not want to lose such elite guards? Or is it all the result of Tao’s rapidly growing influence? With their skills and abilities, they will not fail. But they do not want to leave this house, which has become a real home. The whole world around exists as if in a fog or under a layer of water. They have defended it without understanding, they have not even had a chance to scrutinize it. They have been defenseless in front of it. M-21’s heart once again calms his stubborn brain: “Can’t you finally understand? Not everything can be explained in words, and the cause-and-effect relationship is not found everywhere. This house has become ours and will not let us go but not at all because we are threatening it or we are irreplaceable.”

***

M-21 is beginning to get used to his new life. Don’t ask yourself unnecessary questions, don’t torment yourself with what seems inexplicable. Just live and learn to trust others, the world, and yourself. Time flies. He has found himself enjoying the simple life they have fought tooth and nail for. But it is impossible to live and not lose something cherished. In one of the conversations, someone of the schoolchildren brought up the topic of their further education; and almost all of them immediately gave an answer. Suyi had no intention of continuing her studies as her career began to take off. Neither Shinwoo did. His father agreed to admit him to his own team. Ik-Han planned to leave for the USA to study at one of the best universities. And only Yuna said that she did not know yet. M-21 would never have thought that her answer could be so important to him. He remembers trying to get information from Shinwoo as they leisurely walked out of the store, loaded with a dozen packages. M-21 could not have imagined that not only after a battle a heart could pound in that way. But Shinwoo knew nothing. Or rather, he remembered Yuna dreaming of going to study in Europe, most likely, in Germany, but that was not certain. She has always been interested in Art. According to Shinwoo, knowing English quite well, she can easily enroll at any European university... More precisely, not that easily, but for such an excellent student Yuna is, this is not a huge problem. But she seems to have changed her mind. She has been dreaming about this since they were in elementary school and yet she has suddenly changed her mind! They don’t know why. M-21 asked Suyi. She also could not explain a thing. She said that Yuna’s opinion was changing every day of late. She knew that she had to go, but could not bring herself to leave. “Is she afraid of leaving her home country?” M-21 asked. “No. Yuna loves travelling. She hates to leave her friends...” “What do you mean by ‘leaving friends’? All three of her friends are going abroad anyway.” Suyi raised her eyebrows and replied, “I don’t know.” In the past, he knew nothing about what it meant to live among people. In the Union he was surrounded by monsters. Not those who were created. Those who created them. And the created ones did not live long anyway. Who would have thought that he could be afraid of losing a person when nothing threatened her? He just could not imagine what it meant to let another person into his thoughts.

***

You've got a hold on me. Don't even know your power. I stand a hundred feet But I fall when I'm around you. He covers the irritating electronic digital clock with a pillow and pushes the blanket onto the floor. He knows that the room is cold, but inexplicably he still feels sweltering. He transforms his hand and clutches the air inside it. He used to think that the physical form of captivity was the worst. Now he realizes that Yuna has got a hold of his thoughts. She pursues him, unaware of her own power. When M-21 used to clutch his claws on his victim’s throat, he knew that he had won the fight. Yuna did not feel victorious, she could not even know about it. M-21 worked his way from a testing subject to a modified one with a full werewolf transformation. Having learned to fly, he at first lost count of his falls. He had accepted the essence extraneous to his body, he overcame pain and long days of unsuccessful training. M-21 learned to be a warrior and pass his desperate determination off as fearlessness. Show me an open door And you go and slam it on me… But he has never got used to human feelings... The werewolf’s faithful heart, which has become close to his flesh, treacherously sinks and pounds as soon as he thinks about Yuna. It is enough to see her smile given to the other person, to notice the stealthy glance at himself. There is no right path in this maze; having taken a step, M-21 has always fallen through the surface unable to soften the impact. He believed his feelings to have hardened and overgrown with a shell but he might not have had them before. And now it seems to him as if the pretty, gentle and caring Yuna has shown him the open door. He should not have peeked in. Who could have thought that was a trap and the open door would close, immediately slamming on him? He wouldn’t know that the modified ones have feelings. They are not needed for missions, always getting in the way. Scientists fight with all their might to make their test subjects lose all their humanity. They used to, that is... because now the Union is all gone for good. Frankenstein will not rest until he destroys every single unit. And yet M-21 feels like lying on the surgery table again, with the only difference that now he is not being modified for his physical characteristics. The soul is undergoing its modification, and M-21 will have to go all the way from the very beginning in order to force his new powers to unlock their potential. Last time, Raizel helped him. But what about this time? I can't take it anymore. I'm saying: “Baby, please, have mercy on me! Take it easy on my heart! Even though you don’t mean to hurt me You keep tearing me apart!” “I can’t take it anymore...” This piteous groan seemed impossible in the past. How many times did he have that in mind but cursed himself for such thoughts? He clenched his teeth to make sure he did not say it out loud. He would not give the Union scientists such a satisfaction. He would not show his weakness. Just out of spite. To see himself fighting against their own predictions. If he uttered those words in front of his comrades, he must have been unconscious. They were not to see him in pain. Their lives were hard enough. He wished to give them hope that one of them would be able to sustain. “I can’t take it anymore,” M-21 whispers now, looking around with embarrassment. The furniture might hear him... But no one else. He is tired of repeating the same thing in his mind. He does not understand how to live, his thoughts constantly returning to her. He has never asked his enemies for mercy. His own heart has been replaced with someone else’s. Back then, his body burned one big wound when regeneration could no longer cope, but he would never say to anyone: “Enough! Have mercy on me!..” Now he is ready to beg Yuna: “Please don’t. Take it easy on my heart...” Has a girl really caused him more damage than all his previous opponents? The great scientist’s assistants, who had lost pity long since, cut their subjects’ flesh, without bothering to check the data and see to anesthesia be still working. The opponents, grinning mockingly, aimed at his heart to tear it out of his body. But Yuna never meant him any harm. Why does his heart break with uncertainty when he just looks at her serious, almost childish, but already beautiful face? He is afraid of losing her... He is used to destroying enemies without a shadow of pity, but he cannot do this. Because the only enemy is himself. He has no future. How can he bare his heart to Yuna? How can he not lose her without declaring his love? Why didn’t he think about this when it all just started? He did not see it coming... I did not know that one can become attached to a person so painfully that his heart asks for mercy.

***

He adjusts his headset and immediately turns it off when he notices Yuna approaching him. He is alone this time. It is so unusual. She never speaks to him when she passes by alone. “Would you like some cookies, Ahjussi?” What a shame the girl still thinks he does not tell them his name to seem cool to the schoolchildren. On the other hand, he was going to choose a name for himself when they returned home after that fateful day when the Union, in the person of Dr. Crombell, was finally exterminated. If you can never find your real name... should you choose any one you like? Tao turned on a list of names on the computer, and they spent hours trying to figure out which name would be suitable for M-21. And his heart never skipped a beat, his soul was not drawn to anything. All the names were nasty, somewhat of cardboard masks. He did not want to make any of them his own. He remained M-21 for his partners and Ahjussi for the schoolchildren. The container in the girl’s hand trembles because she is still holding her arm outstretched. “Take it,” she almost begs, because M-21 is lost in thoughts and looks through the container without noticing the cookies. “What is the filling?” he asks, wondering how many cookies it will be polite to take. It is just that he is hungry since morning. “There are some with strawberries and apricot jam, but I don’t know where is which...” “Aren’t they of different colors?” he grins, not so much at the obvious difference between the two types of cookies, but at the memory of how difficult it was for all three modified ones to start eating strawberries again after that grandiose Frankenstein’s experiment at the very beginning of their acquaintance. “But I can’t see them this way,” Yuna explains. Indeed, she holds the container so that she can only see the bottom of the lunchbox. Why is she doing this? He would have bent over himself. He is ridiculously taller than she is... “Delicious,” he says after eating a cookie in two big bites and reluctantly returns the container. “Can I take another one?” “Why only one?” Yuna reacts joyfully. “What I’ve brought is just for you...” The heart skips a beat, and M-21 tenses, not knowing what exactly the danger is. Dear Yuna, you mean well, but why can’t you have mercy on this stupid heart? Yuna treats him too nicely. He does not deserve it. There are so many little things – things he would have forgotten long ago if they did not concern Yuna – settled in his memory. Why is she so caring? Why does this concern hurt him so much? After all, his partners are also caring. Takeo is always ready to talk to him (M-21 rejects these talks himself), and Tao has spent so many nights searching through the archives of the Union discovered by the boss... Well, he never found any important information as it ceased to exist. And Frankenstein is very caring, too. He has always taken care of his condition, going over and over scheduled and unscheduled examinations... Ray is the most caring of all. Even doing nothing, he lets one know they are special and worthy... So why is he so fixated on Yuna's care? What a stupid feeling it is: to understand that these glimpses of happiness are not enough for him, that he must be by her side constantly and pay back for this warmth. Well, why can't he? Why doesn't he dare? I drive through the night Just to be near you, baby. Heart open, testify! Tell me that I'm not crazy!.. M-21 puts on his suit and silently slips out through the window. Easily pushing off from one roof and then from another, he takes a familiar route. Today he cannot but leave these walls. It is easier to breathe outside. The closed place does not press on him, reminding him that he is still constrained by his past and conformity. On the street, under the big dark sky, above the city lights, he has always felt almost omnipotent. This is his world. But either his route is too short or his speed is too high. If he were to walk along the street like normal people do, the same trip would take twenty minutes. He found himself standing next to her house almost instantly. He needn’t check anything. Tao’s sensors work properly and all the teenagers are safe. He just needs to be near Yuna, as close as he can. He knows where her balcony is. He could have walked into the room... But normal people never do that, and neither do modified ones. If Yuna had gone out to the balcony on her own, he would have told her. Now, at night, his senses are sharpened to the limit. He cannot shackle himself with conventions, as during the day. He will tell her: “Here is my heart open, testify! It’s real.” If he could notice something else in her eyes, big with fear or surprise... Perhaps, he could tell her the truth then? He knows perfectly well that if he were an ordinary person, he would confess his love wringing his heart-strings for such a long time. In recent months, M-21 has watched many films for which he did not have time before. He knows what relationships are... At least he seems to remember what to say. But he cannot just say the same thing, can he?

***

They could have ignored that incident, but they wanted some kind of entertainment, to keep themselves busy and to man up... Back then, such cruel entertainments used to give him pleasure as it was difficult to agitate the dulled feelings with anything else. He almost killed her with his own hands! How many times later did he remember the look which he deigned her slender figure!? Did he like her from the first sight? M-21 did not even consider her a living person then! The weaker one always was a victim, so she was not to be spared. He used her as a hostage, and because of him, Yuna and her friends were on the verge of dying several times. Whatever changed, M-21 rethought and realized that they could no longer save themselves on their own. Only Frankenstein's help could spare their lives... Why was he acting like that? After all, not all modified ones were callous killers. Consider the case of Takeo. He always believed that he provided kind of witness protection for the people with whom he interacted... Indeed, he was fooled. But he so sincerely sought to give and receive simple human warmth. And what did M-21 need at that time? He did not understand when and how his soul finally changed. He was becoming different day by day, simple as that. But he did not forget the predator who believed that only through the suffering of someone else could he muffle his own pain. Who can tell such a thing to a girl when declaring their love? There are some mistakes that are best never admitted. But if he does not say it, he will go crazy. Lying to himself and to her all the time is impossible. He is still afraid that the other part of him may still return. He fears Yuna will be a victim. She must know who she is giving all these cookies to. If she listens to him and says he is not crazy... I'm not asking for a lot; Just say you’re honest with me! And my pride is all I got… He has never got anything but his pride. Even his powers have been acquired later. The only thing M-21 can sacrifice is his pride. He may approach this girl and ask to judge him. If she can forgive him, then he will believe that freedom exists. He will not be able to absolve himself. He used to believe that he would find himself by finding a name, or learning to transform, or defeating enemies, or learning to think alike with the people around him. But M-21 was wrong; he was who he was all the time, but he was afraid to accept himself. If only she could understand him and allow him to taste the freedom that only youth and a clear conscience can give... If it were possible to clear the stains from his conscience, he would not hesitate to tell Yuna everything. M-21 is used to acting brazenly and boldly. But Yuna deserves someone else, someone as naive and sublime as herself. However, who will defend her in this case? She does need a protector! From the punks in the street, from the cold outside, from the injustice and cruelty of the real world. A person worthy of her will not be able to protect her, because he will be as pure and innocent as she is. But M-21 will have to be there to take the brunt!

***

Consuming all the air inside my lungs, Ripping all the skin from my bones, I'm prepared to sacrifice my life; I would gladly do it twice!.. Having no strength not only to get up, but to just open your eyes, you are feeling the air filling your lungs. The ribs hurt and the skin burns from regeneration. You are counting down the seconds till you can rise, and start moving a little earlier, knowing too well that the enemy never gives you enough time to recover. If you feel pain, you are still alive. It does not matter how long it lasts. You would sacrifice your life twice if it were possible. Sacrifice it only to protect the house where your unexpectedly motley family lives, and where to a beautiful and sweet girl comes to play board games. There is a white splash before your eyes, and you think that you are done for... Raizel resurrected you once, but he does not have enough strength to do it again. Therefore, you need to stand up, not succumbing to the white glim, and rely only on your own resilience. Your heart is stubbornly driving blood through your body and will not stop, because it has finally become your own. How strange is that you did not want to reckon it your own one right away...

***

M-21 can only return home. In this new world, Yuna is not in danger, these are just his obsessions. She does not need him because he never learned to be an ordinary person, and she no longer needs any protectors... This is an unusually quiet and safe world. M-21 does not trust it, but the world stubbornly proves that it can quietly hide troubles deep under its surface. Why not just start living the way the others do? He tried talking to Takeo about it and realized that it was also quite difficult for him. But he managed somehow... Maybe it is just a talent of some people like Tao, for example, but others cannot do it that easily? A figure emerged from the darkness, and M-21 immediately tensed ready to fight back. “Take away the claws, our batch of costumes is coming to an end!” a familiar voice warned immediately. “Tao?” Why isn’t he sleeping? He has to leave for work three hours earlier in order to have time to deal with the paperwork that accumulates at the end of each week no matter how hard he tries. The circles under Tao's eyes have become even more vivid because he has not given any of his previous responsibilities to his subordinates; he has simply begun to do even more. “Well, who else can it be? What’s brought you here? All sensors are working just fine...” “Yes, they are.” “Are you still worried?” Don't trust my systems, do you?” “It’s not that.” “Come on, sit down,” Tao orders in a new tone, adopted from the boss, pointing to the bench. M-21 shrugs and sits down. What does he have to lose? “You are protecting Yuna.” “Something like that,” M-21 answers and screws his face into a smile. “Let’s discuss everything, shall we?” Tao asks seriously. “If you don’t want to, I’ll just drop this topic – that’s all. But here we go! What on earth are you doing to yourself?” “And what exactly am I doing?” “If you let her go now, you won’t ever have her back again. She will leave and, most likely, will return in a few years, married and having forgotten about the memories that used to unite you two. Is that where you wanna end up?” “No,” Tao’s words were cutting on the gall and M-21 lost his temper: “Why are you saying this anyway?!” “You love her, right?” “Did Takeo tell you this?” M-21 screamed huffed, forgetting even to refute the statement just in case. “He didn’t say a thing. I noticed it myself and guessed right. It's a shame though. Guys, you could have trusted me a bit more...” “It’s not about trust. You’ve been busy.” “So what? I was always busy, but it didn’t use to keep you from talking to me.” “Sorry.” “Never mind. Admit it, you don't want to confess to her because of your past?” “Yes. How do you know everything again?” “I’m Tao,” he said with his typical wide grin appearing on the face. “I realize that this is the only thing that can hold you back. I'm right?” “Absolutely. I can't tell her who I was...” “Yes, you can.” “She will turn away from me. And the agents are not allowed to make information about themselves public.” “Your past of the Union dummy shows itself,” his friend smiled understandingly. “But it’s water under the bridge. Frankenstein has given us permission to disclose all personal information that we are generally willing to disclose. You can’t make public only the information about Raizel and Lukedonia.” “I just can’t stand the disappointment that she will experience when she finds out who I am,” he was finally able to formulate and express the thought. “Then don’t worry,” Tao said, clapping M-21 on the back with a brotherly movement. “Because she will never be disappointed in you. You'll shock her a great deal, but she'll get used to it. Her admiration for you is much stronger...” “How do you know?” “I’ve seen it, I’ve heard it,” he said shrugging. “Not on cameras, don’t blame me. In real life. I never said it neither to you or to Takeo. I just didn’t realize that this information might be of use to you anyhow. When you were both unconscious on that day, I was quick off the mark and managed to get to know everyone... It was the first day in Frankenstein’s house, and it would have been the last one, too, if you hadn’t asked to keep us. In any case, I had to scout out the situation and understand what made Ik-Han and everyone else to put a word for me with Raizel. And I had to reassure the guys... We all then returned quite shocked, some were wounded, and some were just scared. Frankenstein had no time to explain anything as he was busy with you two. And it happened to be me who was calming everyone down... In short, I had to give them some information. Then Frankenstein returned and told them the rest of the story. At that time, the children had already had their memories erased once.” “Yes, I remember that.” “The information he told was supposed to trigger the mechanism that would allow the children to remember everything. And they remembered, it seems to me, most of their adventures... And you know what?” “What?” “None of them called us monsters. When Frankenstein said that your and Takeo’s lives were out of danger, all the teenagers, without exception, were happy... These are the children who do not know how to hate. They immediately forgave us, you know?” “It can't be!” “And when Frankenstein said that Master or he himself would have to erase their memory again in order to protect them and us at the same time, the schoolchildren all cried and begged us not to do it to them... They preferred to know the truth and remember how it all happened.” “Would they... trade a normal life for this? The nightmare we’ve put them through?” “Well, yes. And Yuna,” Tao insidiously hesitated and continued: “Yuna was crying louder than anyone else and begged not to be forced to return to her normal life as if nothing had happened. She sobbed loudly and insisted that she didn’t want to forget how you almost died defending them...” “I can’t believe it!” “You know I don’t lie. Don't you remember Yuna trying to bandage you before Frankenstein showed up? It was her memory that was erased, not yours after all.” “I don’t,” M-21 admitted. “I thought... I was afraid my brain was just making it all up.” “Now you know it wasn’t,” Tao said and then he stretched and yawned. “I’ll be going home now... And when you’ve walked enough, come back, too... You have no idea how calmer it is when you’re at home.” He stood up and, already preparing to take off, stopped, turned around and added in a mysterious whisper: “And there is... something else...” “What is it?” M-21 tensed again. “Learn to communicate, bro! Normally, we don’t bite,” Tao laughed and hastily pushed off the ground with his feet.

***

Oh, please have mercy on me! Take it easy on my heart! Even though you don’t mean to hurt me You keep tearing me apart! Won't you please have mercy, mercy on my heart? And at this very same moment, in the neighboring house, Yuna has not been sleeping for hours, watching the clouds from the window. She has done so much to earn Ahjussi's attention. It seems she has already tried everything. Why doesn't he want to be close to her? She still keeps noticing his attentive glances at her after all... The exams are approaching. Since childhood, Yuna has been dreaming of studying the theory of Western Art. For several years, she has been preparing to enter a prestigious university somewhere far in Europe. Tomorrow she will have to tell her parents that she won’t go there. Even though Ahjussi does not spare her stupid romantic heart at all, she wants to be close to the one she has loved for such a long time.