Talk to me

The saddest Saturday morning was the warmest and sunniest. People were swarming everywhere, dogs were fearlessly running out onto the roadway, delaying the movement of cars, children were aimlessly rushing through the streets, playing catch-up. There was life all around. It sprouted flowers through cracks in the sidewalks, swept by the wind through the crowns of trees, descended from the roofs of houses at sunset, reflected in empty windows, illuminated alleys and dark lanes with the dim light of streetlights. And so every day, in a circle. Everything repeats over and over again, starting with the deafening silence in the kitchen and the sugary coffe in the morning, and ending with complete loneliness in a cozy, but melancholy room late at night. Who would have thought that this is how depression begins? At first, you stop being happy with good weather, walks, fresh air, then friends, parties and love confessions, and later, you even stop being happy with a new car given by your parents, who, according to feelings, don't care about you at all. No, Felix didn't really think that his family isn't interested in him, but they just weren't around at a time when it was really difficult to live. He wanted to go to the sea together, admire the breathtaking view, eat sweet fruits and talk a lot or go to the cinema, to the cafe, anywhere, just all together, so as to dad and mom hold their hands, sitting in front of him, and he, like all children, would roll his eyes and ask them to stop doing it in a public place, especially in front of him. That's how he wanted it to be. But he went to the sea with a friend, it's become a habit to go to the cinema alone so that no one would bother him, and he was constantly invited to the cafe by very initiative girls who dreamed of a tender and at the same time passionate relationships, as in the movies. However, the guy was attracted only by reading books, sitting in an soft chair, on the terrace, with a cup of coffee, or maybe something stronger, because his parents aren't at home anyway, and won't be for a very long time. Did they loved him? Even so, they didn't know how to show it, as Felix dreamed of it. It was easier for them to arrange the brightest and incomparable birthday party, pay for an internship in the place he wanted, or as two days ago, buy a car with a nice, dark blue color, a Ford Mustang brand. This, in a sense, was also love. It is always different, and in almost all cases, not the way we want it to be. Similar to snow or rain, it simply exists, regardless of our desires. The only thing in our power is to decide whether to accept it or not. Felix chose the second variant. He really wanted to fill his lifeless eyes with happiness, to be glad that he lives in prosperity, but this emptiness was stronger than him. Come to think, his problems seem silly even for himself. Although a psychotherapist wouldn't agree. On the contrary, he kept telling Felix that he shouldn't devalue his problems, suppress emotions and isolate himself from society. Stepping over yourself, you need to smile in the mirror in the morning, communicate more with people and walk around the park, inhaling, actually, not very fresh air. The guy agreed with every word at the doctor's appointment and then drove home, locked himself in a room and dived headlong into another Remarque book filled with human suffering. He enjoyed to read about the difficulties of life, about how the heroes overcome the most complex obstacles and still stay strong. Well, or they don't overcome it. Depends on the circumstances. In any case, he was insanely interested in how the next story would end. He assumed tat the end will be not good, but he continued reading anyway. He absolutely disagreed with one statement. The phrase sounded like this: «Something that repeats often cannot longer hurt so much.» ─ Yes, it can. ─ Felix looked at the sentence with contempt and slammed the book shut. What if it wasn't depression? What if he just didn't want to live with no reason? The question remained open and even a psychotherapist is unlikely to answer. Felix took the car keys lying on the table and went down to the first floor. The house smelled of loneliness. No, not even that. This damn house fully reeked of Felix's melancholy, his humble despondency and a little bit smelled of paint that his father spilled in the living room. His father loved to draw. Although it is modestly said. He was an artist. His paintings replaced wallpaper in the house, and only Felix's bedroom left untouched. The guy didn't want to look at the reasons for his parents' eternal travels, in his only hiding place. After taking a last look around the room, Felix put on his shoes and went outside. According to all his family and friends opinion, and his own too, the yard looked luxurious. But of course he didn't like this place. When someone once again admired the well-groomed territory, Felix only honored them with a haughty look and his favorite phrase: « ─ There is not enough fountain to complete the view». After that, he returned to his hideout. But not a single word of his son slipped past his father's ears, and very soon, the most unnecessary thing in Felix's opinion will arrive. He tried to persuade his parents to give up this idea, even said that he wouldn't bring anyone home anymore, that the fountain was a disgrace and the death of his reputation, but his father just shrugged his shoulders and said that he would call everyone anyway. Felix didn't have many friends, only two. Although they can hardly be called friends. They saw each other so rarely that the guy slowly forgot what they looked like. But he didn't need much time in someone's company. He didn't like people. Everybody around him seemed unnatural, playing roles and torn to pieces, like one of the books he didn't like. He didn't even want to understand their essences. He had enough problems of his own. Suddenly, the guy remembered that he had left cigarettes in the house, he had to go back. He took the box of nicotine, which, in fact, he could easily do without, got into the car and drove out of the garage. Felix didn't know where he was going. He just wanted not to let go of the gas pedal, heading forward, to go outside the city, and so that the gasoline wouldn't run out, and he didn't need to rest. After an hour and a half of wandering, Felix stopped at one of the highest bridges in the city. Walking along the fence, separating, as philosophers would say, life and death, he read various inscriptions that filled the railing. They were all... Kind... «Have you eaten today?» and «It's cold here, dress warmer». Felix felt uneasy. Even his grandma doesn't ask him if he ate or not, but the bridge asks. Honestly, he knew that place. It was a suicide bridge known all over South Korea. Its reputation is ambiguous. But it`s pointless to hide it. That's why Felix came here. He took a cigarette out of a slightly crumpled pack, lit it with a painted lighter and took a harder drag. He wanted to remember the last couple of breaths before the grandiose flight plan. The guy came closer to the fence. To comply with security measures, the fence was higher than usual. Probably to save the lives of people like Felix. But it wasn't difficult for him to push off the ground, throw first one foot on the railing and then the second, and get comfortable on the cold metal. Still holding a cigarette in his hands, Felix swing his legs. Today he was wearing different socks because the housemaid took the day off and Felix didn't like washing the most. Even in the washing machine, because it made an unpleasant noise, and he had to put on headphones. The guy took a second puff. He decided that after he made the third one, he would jump. It's like playing with yourself. As a child, we often set ourselves the goal of doing something, a certain number of times, and then it would be possible to do something else. For example, «This spoonful of soup will be the last» or «After this chapter I will go to bed» but generally, we broke our laws. Felix was sure that he wouldn't break it today. There were no people around, just passing cars. No one stopped, no one dared to prevent the catastrophe. «People are so pathetic»: Felix thought, looking at the bright lights of the city. The guy was shivering a little, but not from fear, but from the cold, because he left the house in a thin hoodie, through which the wind tickled his skin. «I should have written a will» the guy suddenly realized. Although, this is probably stupid, because everything that belonged exclusively to him ─ it's a series of books by Remarque, which he received for his help in the city library. At that time it was necessary to sort the books by year of release, in alphabetical order, and by condition. The guy spent two days there, the place was fairly peaceful. He enjoyed working there so much, he would like to help with something else, but the staff returned from some important trip and resumed their duties. In gratitude for such an ardent desire to help, Felix was presented with a box with all of Remarque's books, which he looked at for a long time, sorting through the contents of the shelves. The books weren't new, but when the guy received them, he realized that now he wouldn't give them to anyone. Time passed, the cigarette was smoldering and Felix was still sitting on the metal fence, eating with his eyes the lights of the lanterns that prevented him from seeing the stars. He looked down curiously. It was quite high, but this was the last thing that was worth worrying about in such a situation. Felix wasn't afraid of many things and height was definitely not on this list. The guy put a cigarette to his lips to take a last puff. But at this crucial moment some crazy cyclist rushing past, decided to grab him by the edge of his hoodie, so that they would fall together on the dusty asphalt. Felix raised his head with difficulty, hoping to see this hero. ─ Why did you do that? ─ the guy was clearly not friendly. He was prevented from quietly leaving this world. ─ Because you wanted to jump! ─ the cyclist was definitely in shock, and probably still hasn't realized that he saved a person's life. ─ Maybe I was just admiring the view. ─ Felix's eyes narrowed unpleasantly. ─ How would you know? ─ I... I... ─ he must have been terribly scared. ─ I don't think you'd just go home afterwards. ─ Really? Look. ─ the blond demon stand up, dusted himself off and headed towards the parking lot. He didn't want to continue the dialogue with this strange creature who couldn't connect two words. But the brave cyclist immediately got up too, picked up his two-wheeled vehicle from the ground, and hurried after Felix. ─ Wait! ─ he appeared near instantly. ─ Where are you going? ─ Home. ─ «Anywhere but not in this cheap art gallery», Felix thought. ─ You're lying to me. ─ he was watching the guy curiously. ─ Are you reading my mind? ─ Felix kicked a pebble irritably. ─ No, but I think.... ─ I think it's time for you to go. ─ the guy stopped abruptly and the cyclist accidentally crashed into him. Felix rolled his eyes. ─ I'm sorry. ─ he moved his transport further away. ─ Go away. ─ the failed suicide went forward again. ─ But I can't let you go! ─ he continued to pursue Felix. ─ Pretend you didn't see anything. ─ But how... ─ Just leave me alone! ─ Felix screamed, hiding his face in his hands. Suddenly, he felt warm arms wrap around his waist, and then begin to caress his back as if calming him. Inside, everything shrank to the size of an atom, but no, not from touching, but from the realization of how helpless he looked, sitting on the bridge, with a cigarette in his hands. ─ That's all right. ─ The stranger's voice, for some unknown reason, was soothing. Felix felt for a split second as if he was not alone in this world, as if the constant of his life still had the property of changing, and he didn't care about the laws of physics, chemistry, and everything else. But only for a split second. ─ Get away from me! ─ he was still a small, untamed animal, hurrying back to his lair as soon as possible. Felix pushed the stranger away. ─ You need help! ─ the cyclist spoke about it as casually as about a well-known fact. ─ I just need everyone to forget about me! ─ their conversation has turned into a quarrel a long time ago. ─ But then... Everyone has already forgotten about you... Felix couldn't stand it. The priceless lighter, decorated by his father, fell out of his hands, tears ran down his cheeks, painfully burning them with salty, sea water. His strength left him, and the guy fell exhausted to the ground, hugging his knees, hiding his face in the folds of his sleeves. The confused stranger at this moment cursed himself for his habit of immediately saying what he was thinking about, and only then analyzing his words. After all, words can easily hurt someone. Just like now. ─ Hey, l-listen, ─ the cyclist got nervous again, ─ F-forgive me, okay? I didn't do it on purpose. ─ he knelt down in front of Felix, isn't understanding what he should do now at all. ─ What's your name? ─ suddenly Felix raised his head, and the guy saw his incredibly beautiful, and the same time ─ sad, tear-stained eyes. ─ Hyunjin. ─ Go to hell, Hyunjin... ─ The guy lowered his head again. The stranger wasn't upset. He perfectly understood how this frightened animal felt, and didn't even think to respond to his rudeness. But it was necessary to somehow lift this miracle from the ground, and put it in someone's reliable hands. Hyunjin had no idea that it will be his own hands. ─ Can you give me your phone? ─ the cyclist has a plan. ─ I don't need your number. ─ Felix muttered. ─ I don't need yours too, I want to call your friends or parents. ─ Meaningless. ─ the guy grinned bitterly. ─ Just give me the phone. ─ perseverance has awakened in the savior. ─ It's in the car. ─ Okay, let's go. ─ Hyunjin pulled the blond man by the edge of his hoodie. Felix wanted to swear, but there were no words in the whole world to describe all the feelings of a man who really dreamed not of death, but of a love-soaked life. Hopelessness blocked the breath, the ribs pressed closer to the heart, hoping to protect such an infinitely weak organ. Five minutes later they came to the car. Hyunjin never took his eyes off Felix for a second, fearing that he would run away. But at some point he had to tear his gaze away, because the guy saw in front of him an insanely expensive gift for a blond demon for his Birthday. ─ Is this your car? ─ He emphasized the first word because he wasn't sure if the guy was sane. ─ Yes. ─ the alarm button on the keys worked, and Felix lazily fell into the driver's seat, ─ Here you go. ─ he handed the phone to the stunned young man ─ You can call anyone you want. ─ the guy reached for another cigarette to calm down somehow, but he was stopped by grabbing his hand with a blurred gesture. ─ Could you not smoke now? ─ Why? ─ I'm allergic to tobacco. ─ What? ─ Felix raised an eyebrow in disbelief. And how could it have coincided like that? ─ Allergy. ─ Hyunjin unceremoniously took the cigarette, after which he found the urn with his eyes, and quickly ran to throw out the nicotine poison. Felix was watching the mysterious stranger's actions at that moment, trying not to laugh at how clumsy he was. And Felix also remembered that he constantly threw cigarette butts on the ground, which probably made people like Hyunjin not happy. ─ Why are you smoking? ─ the cyclist is back. ─ Do you need a reason? ─ Well, usually there is one. ─ he shrugged his shoulders. ─ All my reasons are over. ─ Felix turned away, looking at the clock panel. ─ You were going to call someone. ─ Oh... yes... ─ Hyunjin was confused for a moment again, but then he picked up the phone, unlocked it, and opened the contact list. It was strange that there was no password on the phone. But Felix knew that no one would get into his phone just like that. No, not because of trust, but simply because no one cares. At first, the young man dialed Felix's mother's number, but her phone was turned off. Then I dialed guy's father's number, but his phone was out of range. Hyunjin was seriously surprised. He couldn't understand how parents could not answer their child's calls. Of course, people can be busy, however, Hyunjin's mom always answered him, even despite her busy schedule. The guy didn't give up. He scrolled through a few more names, and saw the inscription «Friend». It was unusual to observe something like this, because all normal people recorded each other's names in the phone, not social statuses. Hyunjin also called this number, but the answer remained the same. More precisely, the absence of an answer. After the grandmother didn't answer the phone, the guy lowered the phone in despair. Then he looked at Felix, who was busy adjusting the LED in the car, not paying attention to the puzzled savior. It seemed that the guy was absolutely not worried, and wasn't surprised that no one picked up the phone. ─ Did you know they wouldn't answer? ─ They never answer. It was unpleasant for Felix to feel the taste of pity that Hyunjin was feeling now, gritting on his teeth. Pity was repugnant to Felix, like many other human emotions, like people themselves. He was rarely pitied, especially as a child, so he despised this feeling, considering it unnecessary and stupid. As if pity would help a person become great. Of course not. It only breaks your character. ─ Let me take you home? ─ Hyunjin didn't know how to approach the poor soul. ─ By bike? ─ the guy even managed to smile. Even if not quite sincerely, but more arrogantly. ─ No. ─ the joke wasn't appreciated. ─ I'll call us a taxi. ─ I'm literally sitting behind the wheel of a car. ─ it seemed to Felix more and more that this guy wasn't a mysterious stranger, but an urban madman. ─ You shouldn't be driving right now. ─ Thank you, Doctor. ─ the guy rolled his eyes.

×××

The taxi arrived pretty quickly. The boys sat in the backseat, facing away from each other, and watching the lights of houses and shops flashing in the windows. Hyunjin didn't understand what he was doing, and why he got such a kind heart at all, which can't beat smoothly at the sight of a stray kitten, a dead bird, or, as now, one boy abandoned by the whole world. But that's what the heart exists for. To warm everything around. Half an hour later they drove up to a huge cottage. He was distant from the main mass of houses, being closer to the forest. Everything was so empty that Hyunjin began to suspect that this was the case in all areas of Felix's life. Deserted, cold, dreary and lonely. The blond man paid the taxi driver and reached for the door handle. ─ But I could do it myself... ─ the guy wanted to protest, but Felix answered him without even turning around: ─ It doesn't matter. ─ he opened the door. ─ Let's go. Hyunjin didn't think to accompany him further, but since he was called, it would probably be nice to make a company to this mentally ill man. They said goodbye to the taxi driver and headed for the house. The gates opened in front of them, independently moving apart, and an incredible view unfolded before the eyes of a young man who had seen such a large dwelling for the first time. The mansion is located almost in the forest, and there were various kinds of plants in the courtyard: flowers, shrubs, coniferous trees. Hyunjin loved plants, just like all creatures in this world. ─ If you tell me how beautiful it is here, I'll bury you under one of these Christmas trees. ─ Felix trudged slowly towards the house. ─ But there are no Christmas trees here. ─ the young man looked at Felix in bewilderment. ─ I see juniper, tuya and cypress. Of course, they also belong to the genus of coniferous trees, but only spruce from the pine family. The blond man stared at this genius, not knowing what to answer. Even his gardener probably didn't know these facts. Not to say that he was pleasantly surprised by the well-read new acquaintance, rather just puzzled. For what is needed, to keep in mind such unnecessary knowledge as the classification of trees? ─ Come in. ─ Felix pressed the button to open the door. ─ Now I'm going to tell you about all kinds of alcoholic beverages.