It's that feeling
November 17, 2023 at 4:18 PM
I was lying on Troy’s chest. He was silently twirling a strand of my hair around his finger. It seemed like an ordinary day of ordinary life, that nothing threatened us, that we were just lying on the floor, but not in someone else’s abandoned house, but in our own. I remembered my home in Madrid. The past is not as easy to get rid of as it seems. I still wanted to wake up from the nightmare of the new world. When your life was perfect and then changed drastically, and not for the better, of course you want to turn back time. Closing my eyes for a few seconds, I tried to imagine Aron lying next to me. For some reason, it didn’t work. We’d never felt such animal desire for each other. It had all happened rather nobly: always in bed, always tenderly, and now we were lying on the floor, some things lying around splinters. No, it was impossible with Aron. I loved him, but we didn’t have the passion I had with Troy. I don’t know if it was a new love or at least a crush, but I was worried about how much I missed everything that had gone before. My thoughts were cut short by Troy’s voice:
“What are you thinking about?”
“About the men we heard,” I lied.
“After having sex with me you think about other men, should I be jealous?” he said with irony.
I grinned:
“I don’t think you can be jealous at all.”
“Does anyone compare to me?” his ironic tone persisted.
He stood up and leaned over me. Our eyes met. We stared at each other in silence for a couple minutes. Then he put his arms around me.
“I wish I could stay here longer, Troy.”
“And I want it too. But we need to find your sister and get back to the ranch,” his voice became habitually indifferent, “And you know, when we get back, you’re moving into my room. I hate this running around like my brother has with Alisha.”
I was a little unprepared for that suggestion, so I stayed silent. Quickly throwing on his shirt, I stood up and started picking the rest of my clothes off the floor. Troy got up as well and, from the sound of it, put on his pants. A couple seconds later, I felt his warm hands on my waist. He leaned his cheek against my ear and asked in a rough whisper:
“Why aren’t you saying anything?”
“I don’t know what to say.”
“It’s enough just to agree.”
“And if I don’t want to?”
“You have no choice, I’m not asking, I’m telling you how it will be.”
There’s a nasty, oppressive feeling spreading like molasses in my chest. It was the first time I’d slept with someone since Aron, even though I thought it would never happen again. But it was one thing to have sex (it meant a lot to me, too, of course), and quite another to live with someone again. It meant going to sleep and waking up together regularly, and having some sort of commitment. It wasn’t even that I didn’t fully understand my feelings for him. It wasn’t about him. It was just that I was not ready to let a man back into my life, it was as if I didn’t really need it anymore. I learned to do everything for myself. I didn’t need anyone anymore. And the world had changed, I didn’t see the point in any relationship. That’s probably why Troy caught my eye. On a subconscious level, it seemed to me that he wasn’t drowning in family values.
“You’re not my superior, Troy.”
“Actually, you’re on my squad,” he joked.
“Is sex with subordinates a habit for you, boss?” I asked playfully.
“First time breaking the rules,” he smiled, " And seriously, why don’t we live together?”
“It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just weird, I mean we didn’t even know each other until a couple days ago.”
“I have enough information, I know how I feel about you.”
“And what’s that?”
“Don’t make me say it. I can’t stand tenderness. Just know this is it.”
“So your 'no' list is growing,” I laughed, “But what makes you think that’s what you’re feeling?” I didn’t really believe what Troy was saying. He gave the impression of a man who clearly had empathy issues.
“Men easily understand this,” he shrugged.
“I wonder how?”
“I’m not disgusted to be with you.”
I couldn’t contain my laughter.
“Are you kidding me? Is that such a compliment now? “I’m not disgusted with you,” I mocked him.
“You misunderstood, I meant after sex!”
“Even better! No wonder you’re rarely around women!”
“Well, you know, it used to be that after sex I wanted to get the hell out. Or kick a woman out. But with you, I want to stay.”
“Yeah. You’re a terrible conversationalist. Do something about it.”
“Well, you’ll have to get used to it, like I said — tenderness isn’t my thing, darling,” he emphasized the last word in a deliberately sarcastic tone. It sounded even worse than if he hadn’t said it at all. I sighed. Well, I guess you have to try everything in life gentlemen and savages alike. Outside, meanwhile, it was quite light. The sun was shining through the windows. Troy suggested we move on. I agreed, because my emotions about the crazies who were looking for us had faded and were now focused on what had happened between Otto and me. We left the house and started walking through the lots again. Gradually we approached La Brea. The town seemed perfectly safe in the daytime.
“So, where do we go from here?” Troy asked once we were back at the spot where the chase had started from.
“There’s a hotel nearby, and we should also check Michael’s house, I think if she’s not there it’s pointless to look for her in town. "
“What hotel?”
“I think it’s also called La Brea or something like that.”
“La Bera Resort?”
“Sort of…”
“I know. Let’s go. Michael’s later.”
We got to the hotel pretty quickly. We only ran into a couple walkers on the way, which was weird. Apparently, the people looking for us were clearing the city as much as possible. As we entered the open gate, we looked around: there were no signs of people around: there were hardly any cars, dead bodies of walkers lying around, and nothing else. We entered the building. A dead man came at us at once from somewhere. Troy took him down with a knife to the temple. We went through the first of the four floors and found no one. Same thing happened on the 2nd. I suggested to Troy that we split up as we went up the stairs:
“Why don’t you go to 4 and I’ll check 3?”
“No, dangerous.”
Basically, he was right, of course. But I couldn’t wait to get around. Troy, however, was unwavering in his decision.Once we got to the third floor, we went through the three rooms. No one. There were 6 more to go. As I opened the door to room 304, I heard loud voices. For a second I thought they were coming from the room, and my heart beat faster. However, it wasn’t. I saw an open window, covered with tulle fluttering in the wind. Voices were coming from the street. As I ran to the window, I saw five men. Apparently, they were Chris and Andy with a group of friends. I quickly went to the room Troy’s.
“They’re in there, we have to hide, hurry,” Troy didn’t realize who I meant at first since 305 was on the other side, hence the windows too. He couldn’t hear the voice. While I was explaining everything to him and leading him to the window in 304, people disappeared from the street somewhere. I tensed up. And for good reason, my fears were quickly confirmed: they had entered the building, as evidenced by their loud shouts from downstairs. Troy dragged me by the hand to the storage room that was down the hall. Quietly closing the door, we stood there listening. As they climbed the stairs between the 2nd and 3rd floors, it became possible to make out their dialog:
“We’ll eat now and then we’ll have another sweep of the streets.”
“John, you’re sick of this already, they’re either out of town or they’ll be gone soon. Either way, it doesn’t make any difference. Why bother looking for them?”
I guess it was about us.
“Just in case, we’ll take a drive.”
“By the way, they’re not the only ones hanging around, did you forget about that girl? She might still be here. We should have killed her, why let her go!”
“I was in a good mood! Are you afraid of the girl, Andy?”
“Fuck you! She was looking for someone. What if she found someone?”
“Who’s the girl?”
“Have you forgotten, Chris? Claire or Kate?”
“Clara!”
“I don’t care!”
“Well that one should definitely have left, we warned you she wouldn’t run away a second time!”
It took my breath away at the mention of my sister’s name. It must have been her. So she’s alive and she’s here in this town. Without much thought, I ran out of my hiding place, pulling out my gun. All I could hear behind me was Troy’s obscene.
