The gray sunset

I haven’t thought before that the sunset can be gray and completely drained of blood. It’s noon. The sun disappeared from view behind an impenetrable, suffocating veil. I tried to look for bright glimpses in the gathering gloom, which was moving slowly like a living, breathing creature. It was lurking in the height and watching. I can feel your eyes on my skin, pulling my soul out of me. A silent crowd around me, soldiers lead me among people, shouting for everyone to get out of their way. Darkness will soon flood my eyes, this time it will be eternal. I know your question, don’t even say it out loud. It stuns without words. My head is blurred, and I can no longer distinguish people, but only silhouettes. Why am I not resisting? I’m very, very tired. This is not what I was created for; I should have served you, not participated in all the court games. And after you left, I didn’t belong here either. That’s what it all led to. It’s a logical conclusion. But it’s not what I expected. I haven’t been brought to light for a dozen days, my eyes hurt unaccustomed, to the point of tears. Wooden steps creak under my feet and begin to stagger. I want to die. Stand still, watch, and do not give a sign that you are against what is happening. Otherwise, you will be in my place. The ropes sway slowly in the wind. You lied to me. You lied! Your two years have passed! I thought they would be infinite, but what did I know about infinities? There is no end to them. Five years. Ten. And here I am, and you’re, uh, not here. Even now, you haven’t even come to look, haven’t hidden among so many other faces. That’s funny. I have tried to talk to you, but you are only leading me by the nose, no more than a spirit that has enveloped my mind and lost itself in my thoughts. You’re still hiding from me, out of reach. I would have crossed oceans, I would have dug the earth through, if you had given me one word to show that I would find you on the other side. Do you think I’m not scared? Of course, I’m afraid to die. But it’s even scarier to live on. I want to be saved and you’re tricking me again. This time it’s already sunset. Now you are this sky and these people and everything I see and everything I feel. Tell me, what do you want from me? What was I supposed to do? Is it… another test? Isn’t it too violent? Haven’t I proved before that I am ready to die for you? It’s not fair to keep me hanging around here after all my prayers. I want to wash away the pain and stop feeling the wounds bleed. Finally get rid of the weight. And I want to get rid of my mistakes. I ask you for peace and relief from the feeling of lingering illness. My thoughts are lost and scattered in the air. You are silent. I close my eyes and breathe. Probably I do this for the last few minutes. Don’t you think I deserve an answer? With a rope around my neck, do you think I am still not worthy to know what happened? Why didn’t you come back after that night? Why are we all locked up under the dome, why are liars and traitors taking your place, and you are making no action, hiding somewhere behind these heavy clouds? The execution is delayed. They would like to get rid of me quickly, but now for some reason they linger. Is it your last taunt, those extra minutes? I smile, moving my head and not opening my eyes. We are the only one who understands the strange humor of life. Those who decided to execute me are being late. And without them, this scene is worthless. Let’s wait. I can hear whisper in the crowd. It’s growing. I… wasn’t created for this. Leave me hanging here, now it’s an end. “Let him go!” I open my eyes and see Anna running out into the square. — The order was signed by traitors, not real kings! They disappeared this morning! Left a message! They had no right to take place of government! There is a roar, a rumble. Individual shouts soar above heads. I laugh to myself. No, you won’t let me die. Not now. I’m saved, but I don’t know how and what for.