No enemy

I twirled the goblet in my hand. Metal and glass glittered on its walls. The wine swayed from side to side. I hesitated: I did not want to take another sip, as if someone had poured me a bitter poison. But the urge to shut up thoughts was sharper. The dope was barely coming to my head. It dissipated immediately when the cold air rushed into the tent along with the opening of the curtains. A man was brought in and seated opposite me. Black, matted hair hung down over his face. Try as he might, he couldn’t hide his disgust. I passed the goblet to him, thinking that his desire to forget was even worse than mine. But he only cast a cold glance at the wine and turned away. He looked at me, willing to answer all my questions and get out of here. He knew why I usually called him. Every ten days I demanded to see him, in order to make sure that his life was moderately painful. What to do with my whims — for a couple of months, this was all my fun. To his credit, he always stood up to questioning and showed himself to be almost the most loyal person to me. I grinned as I picked up the glass again, and felt him stiffen, knowing that I had been silent for a long time. What are the ways in which fate sometimes coincides? We both were not in the mood to play out the usual scenario this evening. I took a sip — the vile drink rolled across the palate, glided on and remained an unpleasant taste on the tongue: — I’ve never seen your sister, — I say, surprised at my own voice. It sounds hoarse. I get up from my seat and stop at the table. I see surprise in Severus’s gray, glassy eyes. Only his eyes remained piercingly clear. We haven’t talked about her in a long time. But today I was so consumed by this stupid idea that I succumbed to the temptation. I must have had a good drink. However, the thoughts remained transparent and sharp, so that they even caused pain. I never met her. That’s striking. I’ve been hearing her name all the time since she was born. It followed me every step of the way. There wasn’t a day when I didn’t say it. I couldn’t believe I’d never known her personally. — Describe her to me. — There’s nothing special about her, — Severus barely says, moving his head. — I don’t think so! — I exclaim back, bursting into laughter. Getting drunk? I’ve been drunk before… not in this life. It’s too much of a luxury, and in my position everything has to be controlled. The toughest way I can do. Scared? Severus won’t show it. The exhausted features of his face harden. When we met, he was a young man, still no hardness, no pain. And now here he was, a man who had been hardened in a way that many people had never been able to do in their entire lives. It seems that my torment has covered him with a solid armor. He is perplexed — he has never seen me like this. — I’m not lying to You, — he says, turning away and watching the fire flicker in the glass lamp, — there was really nothing in her appearance that would make her stand out from hundreds of others. Pleasing to the eye, right. I remember that her hair was soft. It smelled of the herbs it was washed with. I close my eyes, momentarily shivering. Severus doesn’t see me, so he keeps talking, his voice even: — Her hands were white, almost always cold. She sang well. Like all young voices, hers was good. I… only remember her eyes clearly: they were quite large and dark. There are many like that, too, but she liked to look directly at the other person, and so you can’t help but remember them… He stopped and looked at me. I lifted the corner of my mouth, sensing that it was his weakness. He could pretend as much as he wanted to: that he had never loved his parents and did not know them well, that he had kept away from the court, or rather was deliberately separated from it, all by the efforts of Parliament. But he couldn’t lie about his sister, no matter how much he wanted to. — All that was special about her was her soul—he didn’t move, his eyes were piercing me. I guess he was hoping to hurt me with it — She could become a light for everyone. He stopped abruptly, not willing to add anything. I didn’t expect this end. I had never heard of what kind of person she was. There were fragments that reached me, but they were mostly from people who have never met her themselves. — Why would You want to know about her? I could hear the anger in his voice. This conversation was probably the most sophisticated torture I’d ever endured for him over the years. That’s not what I wanted. He tried to correct himself. — I’ve told You everything I thought was important before. — I’ve heard a lot of stories to admire her. I think she is the most worthy opponent. His face twisted: — She’s dead. Apparently, it’s a long time since she is gone. I didn’t answer right away. I reached for my goblet to finish it. After all, if he really believed that his sister was dead, he would not be able to continue living on his own. What’s more stupid, if she is not alive, my existence doesn’t make any sense. All interest escapes it. How many gold coins would I give to look into those dark eyes of hers that were “nothing special”? — If she’s dead… I regret.