Berlin blood

Eastern Front, 1941 Snow falls on his frozen hands, he cannot even move a finger. Tilike’s eyes, the color of dark chocolate, froze, resting on one point, like a doll’s. His hair, the color of a withered leaf, flutters in the frosty wind. He doesn’t feel anything. Is he alive or is he dead? Everything mixed into a blur. Sitting on a snowy road next to a tank, he does not understand anything. How did it happen that his whole life: all his dreams, all his aspirations turned to dust in one moment? Now he had nothing left… He rubbed his hands in the hope of warming up. Useless. The wind blows mercilessly into the very heart, taking with it all the good memories. Thilike keeps turning the question over and over in his head. At what point do we, without calculating our strengths, all possible moves, without assessing our own weaknesses, without clarifying the details, without fully thinking through the plan, rush headlong into battle? And then… Then we choke in despair! Do we have the strength and courage to take on the battle, but not the strength to finish it? At what point do we realize that this is a defeat? Leave with your head held high and admit in time that you made a mistake?! No, we are running, we think we can cheat fate! We think that we can do everything. When we find ourselves weak, and fate hits us in vulnerable places, we give up and understand that we can do nothing but flee. We run, we lose our will, we are afraid of trials, we are afraid of appearing fragile. We clench our teeth until they creak. We clench our fists to white knuckles. We are patient. Instead of changing the course of events and starting to enjoy life, and no longer waiting for concessions. Why not win her over to your side? Not to take full control? We sit in a corner, cry and complain: “Why did fate treat us this way?” But is it only her fault that we did not cope with her tasks, because often we ourselves do not understand what we are doing! We don’t think everything through, we say “yes,” and when we realize what we’ve gotten ourselves into, we throw ourselves into unconsciousness or aggression. We always need to think carefully before shouldering the burden of everything in the world, dreaming of power. It still lies next to the war-damaged tank. The entire team is dead, and he hangs by a thread from certain death. Thilike turns and sees a corpse in front of him with wide eyes. Just two hours ago, a young boy just like him was alive and laughing joyfully. Now he lies dead and looks at the sky, holding a pistol in his hand. Too much contrast in front of the eyes. Contrast of life and death! He looks at the corpse and a memory of this man, colored with the colors of life, immediately emerges in his memory. The veil of memory obscures the present, but reality breaks through it, and Tilika becomes even worse than before. Tilike reaches for the pistol lying in the young soldier’s hand. He takes it. Is there any point in living when everything is already lost? What will Hilda think? He checks for cartridges and puts the barrel to his head… A minute, and all kinds of experiences will disappear with him. No, he is not an absolute egoist, since he decided to commit suicide this way. He loves life. But, unfortunately, this is not mutual. Without even feeling the shadow of fear of death, Thielike removes the gun, realizing that it is too easy to leave the game like that. He must find a new meaning! The young man puts the gun on the ground. Not everything is lost? I am sure that if he is ever destined to die, it will not happen today. — Idiot! What are you doing? — his commander, Jens Filler, approached him. There weren’t many soldiers left, about twenty of the entire detachment. If they don’t retreat, they will be killed like flies. — Nothing. I thought about taking a pistol, he doesn’t need it,” Tilike glances sideways at the corpse, the commander drills him with a hard look. “I understand that everyone here has already gone crazy, but please, let’s not be stupid, okay?” — Tielicke nods, and Jens sits down next to him. — You know, I never thought I would say this, we lost everything here, but we are soldiers and we should even die with pride! We will retreat and join another similar group, go to Poland, and from there, perhaps, return to Berlin. — Does it make sense? What awaits us there? We will return in disgrace,” he pauses and, after thinking, adds: “There is a high probability that we will be killed while we are returning.” “You shouldn’t look at life so pessimistically.” How much would you like? Twenty? Why not come back alive? It doesn’t matter how many awards you’ve earned. What’s the point if you end your life here in disgrace? Without even seeing your home again… Tilike smiles sadly: where is his house? Voices this to the commander: “I myself don’t know where he is, and should he exist at all?” I grew up on the street and haven’t seen my parents in ages… Although it’s for the better. I would be a bad child. I don’t remember what goals I pursued. I don’t know what awaits me and who. — Your home is where your soul is, where it feels good and where it blooms like a flower. Everyone should have a home, especially a soldier. It can’t be that you don’t have anyone. — There are no parents. Both are dead. I don’t know the reasons, and I’m not interested. There was a bride, Hilda, but I don’t know where she is or what happened to her. — You’ll come and find out. There is no point in sitting near a damaged tank and looking at the corpses. You yourself understand that none of this matters,” Jens and Thielicke stood up. I didn’t want to be alone anymore. — What does it have? — Tilika asked a question. — What elevates you and makes you stronger not physically, but mentally. Thilike nodded in agreement. He must get better! Strength does not lie in throwing yourself headlong into a battle with fate, but in correctly calculating your strength, assessing your capabilities, priorities, and understanding which battle you can win and which you cannot. Thilike decides that he cannot refuse to fight, but at the first wound he should not run back. Get up, Tilike, and go, even if victory is far away. Even if you don’t want to, and you don’t have the strength anymore. You must pass the test alone! This is the only way you can understand that you have grown above yourself and can shed old scales. They followed the white road that leads down the hill. The sun sets early, and the frost burns your cheeks to the point of numbness. Damn cold! Tilika can’t get used to it, even coffee doesn’t help. He wants to climb into the tank and warm up — it’s warmer inside than outside. However, all that could be suitable for heating are dilapidated houses and boards with which they make fires. Winter wouldn’t be so bad if they were fed more often than never. Everyone is exhausted from hunger, the frost penetrates to the very bones, and most of the warm clothes remain damp and do not warm at all. We have to put up with the fact that people are gradually going crazy, and the dead no longer evoke sympathy from anyone. Those who survived no longer resemble the comrades with whom he sat around the fire at the very beginning of the war. He himself is gradually losing his moral character, although he clings to the remnants of spirituality that still linger in his soul. They walk along destroyed houses, burning unusable tanks, where predators live. The war has left its mark everywhere. The dilapidated school is visible about two hundred meters away from them, it can be clearly seen. There used to be a village here. Frightened people dropped everything and left, fleeing. It is clear that everything was done in turmoil — things were piled up, much was gutted in search of valuables. Tielike stopped at one hut, where there were still several living people. The commander went deep into the village, or even beyond it. He often left and did not return for a long time, but no one dared to ask him questions. Every man for himself. There is no trace left of the vaunted cohesion; everyone thinks for himself, and it is amazing how low a person can fall in harsh conditions close to death. Tielike was not upset by this; he always knew that man is a selfish creature. When dying, people will always think only of themselves, so, watching two soldiers a little younger than him take a piece of bread from each other, he turned away so as not to see this horror. The sun, which had previously shone in Tilika’s eyes, suddenly disappeared, the sky was clouded with dark clouds, and the damned wind blew even stronger. The smell of blood was in the air. At first it seemed to him that everything that was happening was a lie. No. The muzzle of an enemy Soviet tank appeared from behind a low hill. And not just one. Everyone immediately scattered: some into the tank, some into the mud, and some into the huts. Tielike rushes into the nearest broken down car lying on the side of the road. The first question is where is the commander? Did the Russians kill him or did they leave him alive and was he able to hide? Damn, no guns around! The grenade explosion stunned him. Unable to move, as in a silent movie, he sees a flying shrapnel shell. We need to run! Where? Doesn’t matter! The young man takes a step forward, thinking that he can sneak away. Late. The mine exploded behind him, pouring out heat. There is still the same nasty rusty taste in my mouth. Everything swam before his eyes, he fell. He closed his eyelids. The long-awaited oblivion has arrived. Thilike no longer knew that he was being covered in snow mixed with hot ash. His hour of death has come.