Let her just go

      The only thing left for me was to look how she was going away talking to her friends and to realize how pathetic I was having no opportunity to tell her what I probably had to say. At any rate I should have said. But I didn’t. Again.       Nevertheless, did I even have a choice here? Haha. I don’t even have a right to express my feelings without being criticized and ashamed. Biologically I’m not a boy, so I have to like boys. Oh, no, that’s incorrect. I must like boys, isn’t it? So what should I do with everything I feel to her? I have no powers to forget her, not to look at her with “these eyes”, not to be over the moon as she smiles to me… This is over my head.       Yet, she will never find it out. I’ll do my best in order not to let it happen. There’s nothing she did wrong, there’s nothing she has to feel guilty for. She doesn’t have to suffer from anything I feel to her. The only problem here is me. It is only my fault to be born as a wrong person whose birth is just a mistake. Actually, that’s what I hear from people around me that have no clue who they’re talking to every fucking day along with permissions that it’ll go away and that I’ll get normal from the guys who found my nature out. It hurts much more than anything else.       However, it’s not their fault either. They don’t have to except such people like me if they know they are not able to do it. Nah, what are we talking about if even I can’t except it and wish to die every morning as I realize I woke up again? And I wish I’d be like the others, be normal, but I am sure as well that I hate this scenario to happen because men just don’t attract me. And these both willings are going to tear me to pieces like two ferocious wolves inside my body.       Maybe I don’t have to dramatize it so much, but… Hey, what would you feel if you were me? I don’t think you really want to put yourself in my dirty shoes, but it can help to understand a lot. So, what would you do? Would you still be a confident person that’s liked by someone who knows the whole truth? I’m sure you would not.       So… I can’t tell her how important she is for me. It kills. And kills cruelly. But what should I do with it? Just stand besides and love silently? Probably…       At least, people don’t ever forget their first love. I will never forget but always remember her light blue eyes, her kind of predatory beauty, her… everything. And whatever how hurtful it will be.       I will always remember.