Schrödinger's Victory

I was terribly nerdy all through high school. Mostly, because I did not know what to do with my free time, well, with what was left of my free time. It went so far that my GPA was 4.7 at one point. Shortly after my 16th birthday, Dad left us. No, he didn’t pass away. It turns out that even such decrepit old people (he was 65) sometimes go on a bold and cringy endeavor of arranging their personal lives into…something heart-shaped, I guess. I was not particularly upset, but I did not understand why I should stay with Camille. — She’ll just die without you, — Marcel said, — Yes, you and I know how impossible she is at times, but you are the most important thing in her life. — I’ve never heard anything more ridiculous. It’s not me who matters to her, but You-Know-Who. — You’re unfair to her. When she found out about the military academy, she almost went crazy with fear for you. — I might not even get admitted… — that’s how I felt sorry for her, and stayed. Right, military academy. How did I find out that I was going there? David called and said: — In two years, you are applying for West Point. — Why? — Because you’re going to look amazing in a military uniform.- and before I could start smiling stupidly, he changed his tone. — Because I’m going there next semester, and because it would be really useful if you specialized in operations research. — OK. — For your reference: it was just a suggestion. Stop agreeing with every word I say. — OK. I won’t go there. I have always aspired to become a designer anyway. — What kind? — Fashion. Or, wait, no, accessories! You know how much I’m into gold and rhinestones. Really dig my shiny crystals. Dave laughed. — Handsome and witty too. You will definitely make some girl happy. — Absolutely. Just today I’m planning to make a couple of innocent village girls happy. — Good luck! Now, on a serious note. Your grades and sporting achievements are likely to be enough, you only need to add a couple of volunteer projects and a nomination from a Senator. — Wow! Where will I get it from? — Let me see. If you start in your junior year, there should be plenty of time for that. You’ll get in touch with the Senator, the Congressional representative, and the Vice President — just to be on the safe side. — Man, the Vice President! We are aiming high, aren’t we? — It’s nothing special. I got the Presidential nomination, of course. — Of course. — Military brats’ privileges. Don’t sweat it — you’ll be fine. Anyway, I’m sure by then I’ll also get some invitations to a couple of events, and if you’re determined and charming, you’ll have all sorts of recommendations and nominations. — Wait a minute, is that a poorly veiled hint that I’ll have to sleep with someone? — No way! At least for now… Reputation is everything! — Thanks. Especially for “for now”. And what about volunteering? Building houses for the homeless? — It will do. Have you realized that I won’t be home anytime soon? This year is my last chance for admission — then I will be too old for them, so almost immediately after graduation I’m going to start CBT. — Oh, cool! Will I get pictures? You, in the uniform. Or without. — What does “without” mean? Do you mean, in civilian clothes? — Of course, what else?

***

It’s probably not very hard to guess what was my only thought on the day of my 18th birthday? Most likely, I behaved like a completely ungrateful brat with my parents, especially considering that as a present they gave me a car (not a new one, of course, but with our income it was a super luxurious gift anyway). But I didn’t care about anything except when Dave would call. I couldn’t call myself. Firstly, he had a very limited time for personal calls, and secondly, I wanted to make sure that he did not forget about this most important day. But, of course, he remembered everything. At nine in the evening, I received a photo and almost immediately a call. — Jenkins, where are the dick picks?! An elbow, seriously? — I asked in lieu of greeting, falling on the bed. — I guess that will do it for you. — Perhaps…wait a second. — I snapped a photo, and after a moment I got David’s veeeery fake indignation: — Mister, you are horribly straightforward! Could you change the angle a bit, no, wait… Can you tell I’m blushing? — Not at all. So, am I to be satisfied with this phone sex until the summer? — And who exactly told you that there will be any kind of phone sex? — But you do feel obligated now to send me something more interesting than an elbow, don’t you? — No, I don’t. This is terribly lewd and obscene. — Well, here it is! Go on! Can you make it filthy as well? That’s how I like it…I guess. Well, so what shall it be: July or August? — I’ll be doing the summer field training. — It’s not fair! You promised! — I’m coming tomorrow. My heart almost jumped out of my chest. — What?! — I thought I should check your application papers and help you prepare for the interview. — I’ll meet you at the airport, I have a car now. — I’m arriving at 1500. — I won’t be late. — But I have one condition. — What the hell? Why am I the only one in the whole world who can’t afford a carefree relationship? — Okay, I’m not coming, and you’re looking for a carefree relationship. — No, come on, Danny… — You know that’s not my name? — That’s my name for you. So what’s the condition? — You will tell your parents everything. — Why, no! — I started pacing the room. — Calm down. I think It will be the right thing to do. Otherwise, they will imagine some shit that isn’t even happening. — And this way they will start imagining the shit that’s happening. — Matt, grow up. You don’t seriously believe they haven’t been suspecting anything? — Of course, they don’t! I sure as hell look more straight than the President of the Straight-and-Straight-Only Alliance! — It’s hard to argue with such a strong argument. But they asked two years ago if I noticed “anything strange” about you. — But you said you didn’t? — I said they need to talk to you about it, not me. — Great! — So that? — Of course, I will do it! As if having waited for Christmas for three years, I decided to leave for Oman because there was a last-minute special half-price offer! — Good. See you tomorrow. And, Matthew, happy birthday. — Thanks. Leave now — we don’t want you to miss your plane.

***

It was a sleepless night. I was constantly torn between the anticipation of seeing Danny and the sheer horror of talking to my parents. I had hoped I would never have to tell them anything. In this unhealthy hype, I decided to clear up a few technical details. The internet, which first demonstrated a couple of useful pages, tried to drag me into the abyss of debauchery, stroking my pride with the fact that I could, with a clear conscience, click “yes” in response to the question “Are you 18?”. But, you know what, some people do not use any breaks or filters while discussing a certain issue. I then finally understood what “too much information” means, and decided not to worry about it. After all, with Dave I had nothing to fear. You know, there has always been a question at the back of my mind — how do people sleep with strangers? How can you stand it when a stranger with their strange hands, and an unfamiliar smell touches you? Isn’t this idea nauseating? And yet, many find it a very entertaining activity. Are they crazy or is there something wrong with me? What if I accidentally discovered that distinctive feature of the clones that everyone had been looking for so long and in vain? What if we are physically incapable, for example, of cheating? Cloning companies might want to add this groundbreaking piece of information to their promotion package. Let’s say there will be something like this: “Do you have an unfaithful wife? Clone her, and in a couple of decades, you will get an improved version that is incapable of cheating! Warning in fine print: our company does not guarantee that the clone will love you and be loyal to you and not someone else”. At 6 in the morning, I passed out, surrounded by alarm clocks. At 12 I got up, made myself look irresistible, and went on a quest for Camille. She was shoveling wet snow from our driveway and was a little surprised to see me. — I thought you were at school. — No, change of plans. I need to tell you something, — I was already dialing Marcel’s number so that I didn’t have to repeat myself. When he answered, I put the phone on speaker. — Hi. — Hello, birthday boy! How are you? — Excellent. Can’t be better. Breaking news: I’m gay. — After that, I ended the call and went to the car. — Benoit, come back, now! — Camille demanded. — He will not return. I might. But not today. My heart was beating so fast that I was seriously afraid I might lose consciousness and crash into the highway barrier, but, of course, I did not stop to calm down. I was a little worried that Dave might have changed significantly, but when he showed up at the arrivals (Where I spent two hours, harassing everyone again and again with questions about whether the flight from Westchester would land on time), my anxiety dissipated. I ran to him and didn’t even bother to say hi before I threw myself at him and began kissing like my entire being depended on it. Taking a short break, I blurted out: — You see, I still love you. You haven’t managed to get rid of me. — And I have made every effort to do just that, haven’t I? — Fuck, you’re so cool! Are these new muscles? — I ran my hand along his back. — So you’re 100% sure? — Dave touched my cheek, which caused a new round of long kisses, that were interrupted only by the displeased voice of some passenger: — For God’s sake, get a room! — One second, — I whispered to Dave and turned to the indignant citizen. — Hey, I’ve been waiting for this man for three years, so fuck off! — I don’t care if it has been an eternity, we don’t want to look at it! What would I normally do? At least, I would drop so many F-bombs on them that they’d be buried in them up to their neck, but at that moment I didn’t want to waste a single second. I took Danny’s hand and dragged him into the first restroom I came across, and then into a cubicle. The bag prevented me from closing the door, and while I was fighting with it, Dave asked: — And what does it all mean, I dare ask? — Danny, it will take almost an hour to get to the city! — Have you told your parents? — Sure! — Describe how it went. — I’m shocked that you distrust me! — I’m still waiting. It took me three seconds to report the entire conversation if you can call it that. — Bad boy, — Dave grabbed me by the ear and pushed me out of the cubicle. — Stop it! I don’t like this foreplay! — I’m going to spank you in a way that you’re not going to like if you keep failing to follow my very clear instructions. — Sorry. Can I make it up to you somehow? — I put my hand under his shirt and felt his heartbeat. — Of course, you can. Go. Where’s your car? — At the free parking lot. What should I do? — Congratulations. Instead of going to the airport hotel right now, we are going to your parents. — No! — You need to work on your long-term memory. It was an indispensable condition to qualify for the position. You really think it’s my favorite thing to do — meet your parents and explain to them that I’m not going to hook you on drugs, infect you with something, force you to participate in orgies… what else? -Well, everything else seems to be true…I hope. So are you coming with me? — We’re in this cringe together.

***

In the car, Dave threw my hand off his knee. — Eyes on the road. You are punished. Let’s talk about your motivation for going to the Point. What are you going to write in the essay? — Dear ladies and gentlemen! My future and my destiny depend on you only. I must be with the only person in the world who has a positive influence on me and can keep me in line. Plus, he’s sexy like all hell. They’ll look at you and say, “That’s impossible to argue with,” and accept me. — Stop clowning around. But you’re not serious, are you? — Oh, absolutely! Dude, you are sexy. — Old news. But you’re not going to the academy just because of me, are you? — Of course, I am! Why is it so bad? — This can not help but flatter me, but it’s somehow wrong, you will most likely regret it later. — Don’t even worry. I don’t mind all this military shit at all. — “Not minding” is not enough. Remember, you will be with this around the clock for at least 4 years. So what else is there for you? — I want to serve and protect my country? — That’s better, but, please, not so straightforward. You can add a little more about your origins, family background, and how self-discipline helped you stay on the right path. — OK. I saw my father's car when we pulled up at the house. — Shit! Danny, can we not do it? — Breathe. — He put his hand on my shoulder. — They have already had some time to digest the information. And think about the fact that, no matter what, in an hour we will be together in the shower. — Why, oh why did you say that? Now my head is completely empty! — Okay, I’ll start. The parents were in the kitchen. It was comforting to see that they were not shouting or crying. — Good afternoon, Marcel, Camille, — David shook hands with Dad and kissed Camille on both cheeks. I pushed a stool against the wall and sat down doing my best not to face them. — David, good to see you! — rejoiced Dad. — What’s brought you here? — I… — he began, but Camille interrupted. — Have you heard what Benoit has pulled this time? — How many times have I… — I jumped up. — You’d better not say a word! I am still your mother and I will call you whatever I want! David established himself at the third side of the table. — This is, without a doubt, your right. So what has Benoit pulled? — he deliberately emphasized this name, and when I groaned mournfully, he showed me the middle finger behind his back. — He got it into his head that he is a homosexual, — Camille said, and I wanted to bang my head against the wall from the craziness of everything that was happening. — Isn’t that true? — What do you mean? But he was going to this academy, to military training, the hell knows where else! How does it mix? — Well, it didn’t stop me, — Dave said. Deafening silence followed after that, and then Father cautiously asked: — So, you?.. — Yes, absolutely! Full-time, gold star, and all that. That was the moment I couldn’t stop myself from bursting out laughing. — How can you not see the connection? — I asked. — How come he’s here in the middle of the academic year, at this very moment? It was such a violation of values and patterns as they had always known them that Camille covered her face with her hands, apparently so that her eyes would not pop out of their sockets, and Marcel coughed in embarrassment and asked: — Shouldn’t we have known about this sooner? Much sooner? — There was nothing to know sooner. I got this, um, memo relatively recently. Not about myself, about Benoit. Everything was clear about me from the very beginning. — Maybe we could continue to remain in the dark? — Marcel asked. — That’s what I was talking about! — I got my word in the edgeways. — It’s kind of dishonest, don’t you think? In order not to arouse unnecessary suspicions, I would like to be as open as possible from the very beginning and answer all questions. First thing you should know, we’re dating… sort of. Camille finally removed her hands from her face, leaving six red stripes from her fingers, and looked from me to Dave. — How long has this been going on? Dave looked at his watch. — For about an hour and a half. — What is this, some kind of joke? — No, really. I have not even really been in the city since I finished school. — And how did it all happen so quickly? — Ha, quickly! Speak for yourself! — I exclaimed. — I wanted to say that you have nothing to worry about. — David said soothingly. — I will take care of your son. — And now, could you leave, please? — Camille said. — We need to discuss a family problem. — I am afraid not. And I wouldn’t call it a problem. So do you have any questions? — Couldn’t you find someone of your age? — You see…- Danny began, but it was really painful to watch this torture and I quickly sat down at the table next to him. — First of all, he is not to blame for anything. — I’m sorry, but in such situations, the elder one is ALWAYS to blame, — said Dad. — He’s right, — David said. — The fuck he is! — I squeezed his hand. — I was there and I know how it all happened! No one seduced, let alone abused me. I just love him. So much, — we looked at each other, and I didn’t care how the situation with my parents would develop after that. — I think we’re making it awkward for some people here. — Dave moved away from me. — We’re leaving. Matthew, do you need to take anything with you? — Yes. I’ll be back in a couple of minutes. Are you going to be okay here? — Of course. Apparently, they had just been sitting in silence until I returned with my bag. — Goodbye. He will return tomorrow. — No, — I shook my head. — The day after tomorrow, — Dave corrected himself. — We need to work on the application and motivation essay. — Well, of course, — Camille said sarcastically. — Try to return him in one piece. — Didn’t you hear what I’ve said? Benoit is now the most valuable thing in my life, I will not harm him. — Danny, we’re leaving, — I pulled his sleeve and did not say goodbye to anyone. Outside, I leaned against him. — So, is it enough now? Let the debauchery commence! Is it time to finally start our drive to the place of overindulgence and excess? — Oh, yes, definitely! Unless, of course, you want a couple of samples of debauchery on our way there. — Sure I do want that! — Drive to the parking lot behind the city hall — it must be nearly empty there by now. — Will I understand what I need to do? — You are adorable! You don’t need to do anything yet.

***

We spent forty hours at the hotel, and it turns out that Dave was not joking at all, and I really had to write the damn draft of the motivation essay! And the working conditions were not really simple and suitable, believe me! And some things happened there that finally proved that I’d known nothing about this world. And I’m not talking about sex now. Which I won’t talk about at all. But I will mention that what I lacked in experience I made up for with my high levels of enthusiasm. And you must believe that it was incredible! Easily #2 of the top 10 best days of my life. Why not #1? Well, this conversation with the parents and the Big Revelation that was dumped on me later prevented it from getting higher than the position of a runner-up. I was barely making my way towards the end of the second paragraph of the essay when Danny came over and started massaging my shoulders, then leaned over and for some reason whispered in my ear: — I have a confession to make. — Finally! I began to think that you don’t love me at all. — I can’t imagine what could lead you to such a conclusion… No, I’m not talking about that… Damn, I need booze. Rock Paper Scissors? — Hello, one of us is under 21. — Okay, room service then, — Dave looked at the hotel menu. — Can we afford it? — I am on a full scholarship — the privileges of officers’ children. As you can see, I have nothing and no time to spend my pocket money on; successful investments 7 years ago, plus some peanuts in the form of the trust fund. Have you ever noticed that I’m not particularly poor? — So I was lucky enough to get myself a sugar daddy? Will you buy me a racing bike? — Of course not. Maybe after graduation… Well, their wine list is seriously shitty! Okay, what’s the least disgusting thing here? — So we’ll wait until you get all drunk and chatty, or you’ll start now? I seriously don’t know what to expect. — Let’s start with the fact that I have never been to Argentina. — I knew it! You don’t even have a single photo from there! Well, where were you? In rehab, in jail, or just ran away from home? — So that’s how you think of me? No, nothing like that. My father managed to push me into a top-secret intelligence project. — When you were 16? Forgive my suspicion, but even for you, it’s a little too young. — To some extent, I can agree, but it could have been a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and to miss it because of some formalities… However, on paper, I was 19. Which greatly facilitated me in organizing my spare time activities. — I don’t even want to hear anything about your spare time activities. But the rest, yes, very much. So what did you do? Was undercover in a gang? — Do not mix up the investigation department and military intelligence. We were in the forbidden territory for half a year, but we only managed to work close to the objects for the first 7 weeks. Then our helicopter was hit, which by no means should have happened, just physically could not happen due to almost zero technical capabilities of… hell, I don’t know what to call them, the enemy? Probably not, the observees. Long story short, they shot down our chopper that approached them at night. Three people died, and the rest of us were sent to some shithole for four months to wait for transport home. Now that was an ordeal! I remember the constant cold and boredom, especially at the beginning — there was only one thing left to do — learn Spanish. Then, despite the ban, we got out of the camp. At some point, we stumbled upon an armory… well, not stumbled, we almost exactly knew where it was supposed to be… and life became much more interesting. But one person still shot himself, and one more went missing. — Is it somewhere in South America? If you were in the mountains, it is really cold there, and the low technical level of the “observees” … — Not really… There was a knock on the door. Dave wrapped a towel around his waist, opened the door, said “Thank you, Alan” and returned with a bottle and two glasses. — How do you know this dude? — honestly, I didn’t want to say this, but somehow it slipped. — Who, Alan? I don’t remember exactly, I think I fucked him in the closet while you were sleeping. Will this answer do? — Sorry. — I tried to quickly change the subject. — You misunderstand the meaning of the word “booze”. It is meant to be strong alcohol, preferably cheap, but sometimes beer will do. And what’s that? Chateau Blanc d’Adore Cirk of 1846? — These seem to be some random words… Although… Chateau Blanc sounds like some $5 boxed wine. No, I have not yet degraded to that, and I have not upgraded enough to buy anything from 1846. Enlighten me, was it a good year for vineyards? — Can you not ask such questions to a person who, apart from beer, has never drunk anything in his life? — So there is still so much corruption that needs to be done to your innocent soul, body, and palate… — Yes, so there is no time to waste. But I have one request: can I remain ignorant about wines? I feel, of all things gay, I only like to sleep with men, the jury is still out regarding the rest. Or do I need to take the whole package? — No, you can select as many or as few options as you want. You don’t even need to understand wine to drink it, — he handed me a glass. — Fancy! My first alcohol that is not straight from a bottle or a can. Do you want me to start speaking with a French accent to enhance the fanciness? — Why not? So, monsieur, what are your first impressions of that part of the “gay package” that you decided to take? — What kind of question is it? Is it no longer enough to moan and exclaim “Oh yes, more!”? Does one also need to fill out a feedback form? Hmm… this thing is different from beer. — Such a profound and fine observation, — Dave was already pouring himself a second glass. — Returning to our conversation… This is not South America. And promise me that this will remain a secret, otherwise, I will immediately be court-martialed and imprisoned for 25 years… at best. — I promise, otherwise, I will also have to learn state secrets, give them out to someone, and hope to get into the same dungeon you’ll be in. — Do you understand that for 9 years it has never occurred to me to tell anyone about this? But I trust you like no one else. — And I’m very grateful for that, — my head was pleasantly spinning already, and I considered that at this moment it was quite appropriate to kiss his hand. — You’re so weird, — Danny looked at me in a new way. — Good weird. Oh, hell, you are so much braver than me! No, don’t! I wouldn’t have had the courage to say everything you said to me back in the camp. And with your parents… I have never said anything to mine. — And this after your speech about honesty…? — I couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed. — Well, my situation was somewhat different… Not an excuse, I know. But I just wanted it to somehow happen by itself and, preferably, in my absence, so I asked my sister to “accidentally” leak the information. And she did everything perfectly! One evening at dinner, when my father asked where I was, she said: “I think he and Adam went camping. They have an anniversary or something.” And when father asked what kind of anniversary, she answered as if it was a well-known fact: “I think they have been together for a year today. Oops… Didn’t you know? Well, now you know. Pass the salt.” The next day my father asked, “So we shouldn’t wait for a Mrs. Jenkins?” I replied that definitely not. Then he asked if I was going to introduce them to Adam, to which I answered in the negative, explaining that it was only until fall anyway. He breathed a sigh of relief. We didn’t talk about this anymore. — At least I don’t have to be introduced to them. But they might have already forgotten a certain Matthew who used to hang around you. — I need you so much, — Dave pulled me closer to him. — At times I regret that people are unfair to you, but then I think: no one knows and sees you the way I do, it’s like you only belong to me. — Not as if. I’m yours only. — That’s what I mean! People don’t talk like that! They are always trying to protect themselves from something! You know, you can immediately read: “You are completely fine, but what if someone better turns up? You will do for now, but let’s not get too attached, shall we? No offense”. What’s wrong with being offended? Is it better to feel nothing? Walking around on eggshells, choosing the right words? — Have they spiked this Merlot Glamor with something? — I asked. — If so, I’d like to thank them for this, we haven’t talked like that for 10 years. — No way! — Yes way. Usually, there were conversations about school or nothing. Or politics, or discrimination. — Why didn’t you stop me? Why didn’t you just shake me and say, “Dave, what are you talking about? What’s the point of all this? Everything you need is already in front of you!”? — Hmm… I remember I did something like that. But, you know, everything has its time. I have a sneaking suspicion, which I kick back with all my might: if I had had you then, it would have ended pretty quickly. — Yes, when you’re a teenager, everything changes five times a day. — You’re so stupid sometimes! I’m not talking about myself but about you! You weren’t ready for me then. Thank you for taking the time to think, instead of politely getting me off and stonewalling soon after. — I gave you time to think. — If you want to think so… It’s not even worth arguing about.

***

Somehow we ended up in bed and the bottle became empty. I didn’t even finish my first glass. It was completely dark outside. Dave was sitting, and I lay my head on his hip and looked at the ceiling that was slightly spinning. — How can I leave now? — he gently caressed my pecs. — Sober up and leave. — trying not to part with him even for a second, I turned off the lamp with my toe. — Please, don’t leave me, — Danny said very quietly. — Are you completely mad? I’ve been waiting for you far too long. And here’s something else. Don’t you dare regret or be embarrassed tomorrow because of what you’ve said today. Everything is okay with me. I give a 100% irrevocable guarantee that I will understand everything correctly. Even when you don’t want me to. First I felt his goosebumps, and then I heard: — I was There, in Europe. To be more precise, first in Italy, then in Germany. People still live there, and there are quite a lot of them. They’ve built such a strange state you can’t even imagine. And my father’s been working on all of this. He gets up every day, drinks his coffee, takes a temperature-controlled shower, goes to his air-conditioned office, and begins his workday. His responsibility is to keep track of how people live there, huddled together, deciding what other handout to give them. so that they do not suddenly all die of the flu or drought. I didn’t ask any questions. It was so unbelievable that it was definitely true. — That’s what I call a real loss of innocence. And what shall we do with this information now? — I don’t know, Matty. I don’t know yet. But clearly, something needs to be done. There, after all… When I start thinking about it, it feels like my head’s gonna explode. And I should tell you more, but I can’t. That’s it, I’m out. We lay face to face. — I’ve never slept with anyone before, — I suddenly realized. — Really! The closest to that was with all those people in a huge tent but we were in separate sleeping bags. — Then I have a couple of tips for you. Today, of course, you want us to fall asleep in each other’s arms and all that. You can try, but I want to warn you that in most cases it is hot and uncomfortable. And it’s also a bad idea to admire how someone is sleeping while your neck or arm goes numb. — It’s okay. I’m willing to take this risk.

***

In the morning I woke up from the realization that I had slept enough, and, in horror, I threw off the covers. And yes, sure enough, Dave was already sitting in a chair in a tracksuit, scrolling the news feed. — Shit, what time is it? How much time have I lost? Why didn’t you wake me up? — Because you slept like a log. Apparently, it happened due to an abundance of excitement in the past couple of days. And I’m sitting here worrying about the resources of the planet. — How? — I returned from my run forty minutes ago, but I’m not taking a shower, because it’s very eco-unfriendly not to go there together. — Oh, right.

***

At breakfast (I was so hungry as if I hadn’t eaten in a week) Dave asked: — What do you think about living with me on campus? — Have we considered any other options? — I went for more bacon. Yes, we decided to go out for half an hour. — But I can’t promise anything, — Dave clarified when I returned. — Anyway, don’t you want to think about it? — No. — It will be a lot of time together. — I really hope so. — Everyday household problems… — Danny, don’t exaggerate. We’re not going to get married, live in a mansion, have barbecues with the neighbors, and talk about how difficult it is nowadays to get the help to remember their place. It’s just a fucking dorm! It is too ascetic there to think about the comforts or inconveniences of accommodation. Well, what is there? A table and two beds? — A bunk bed, — Dave corrected me, stealing a couple of strips of bacon from my plate. — Oh! — I thought for a second. — That could be a problem. Although, no, problem solved: I will be on top. Can’t I choose as a newcomer? — Are you aware of how spontaneously obscene you are? — No, it’s spontaneous, so no awareness involved. All in all, I’m sure I’m a great roommate. Why are you looking at me like that? That’s true. — I seem to have dropped the keycard. — No, there it is. Ah, you mean… I don’t think you should try that under normal circumstances, but if you have brunch in a country hotel in the middle of the week, out of season, it may well go unnoticed. In this case, only one old lady three tables ahead of us asked if I was all right, and I showed a thumb up. Then Danny, as if nothing had happened, sat back down and finished his juice. — Also, a couple of shelves and a closet. In the room. By the way, there are two tables. Will you be satisfied with such living conditions? I just nodded.

***

In the afternoon, I tried to complete the torture called motivation essay, but my focus only lasted for a couple of sentences. Then I started stealing glances at Danny, and the sight was so much more interesting than what I was writing that I decided to capture it. — The youth of today have obvious problems with concentration, — he commented. — What are you doing? — I’ll take a million pictures of you and have my conceptual art exhibition. You see, my artistic inclinations are awakening. Before we know it, I’ll be plucking my eyebrows and baking muffins. Dave looked at me extra attentively. — In my opinion, everything is okay with your eyebrows, and you will never bake muffins, it is unnatural in your case. — but after a couple of minutes he said something that made me shudder: — But you might need waxing. — I’m sorry?! — You can, of course, shave, but you’ll have to do it much more often and, ultimately, it takes longer. — Are you serious? — Absolutely. By the way, at the academy, I advise you to focus on swimming. There, it would never occur to anyone to ask unnecessary questions about your perfectly smooth skin. Five minutes later, David looked at me again, and I still sat there, glaring at him. He took a deep breath and put down the tablet. — You’re beautiful just the way you are and all that, and you don’t have to fulfill my desires, but if I were you, I wouldn’t immediately say no. — I immediately say no. Now what? Are you going to dump me? — Because of your hairy chest… if you can call it that? Of course not. Sometimes you just need to compromise. I am also ready to listen to what you want me to do. Well, what should I do? — It’s not fair! You are perfect! — You disarm me so much with such statements that I am ready to forgive you everything. — I’ll remember that. But, Danny, this must be fucking painful. — What? — Waxing. — Seriously? — he just chuckled and shook his head, — I’m not even going to comment on that, so as not to slip into vulgarity. And it’s time you concentrated, in half an hour I’m checking your draft.

***

Seven hours, about five hundred photos (which should be enough to keep me going until the next time), and a lot of other things later, I drove Dave to the airport. In front of check-in, I clung to him like I was drowning. — Danny, can’t you fly here every weekend? You can afford it. — It’s not that simple. Starting next year, I want to take a second major, and I need to urgently choose if I’m into international affairs or foreign area studies. This will entail serious changes in the curriculum, something will have to be put on the fast track… In short, there will be a lot of work. Not to mention the fact that it’s insanely difficult to get a leave anyway. — But can you take a guess when it could happen? — I have an idea. Why don’t you come? — Great idea, except for the fact that it is not feasible. — Quite feasible. There will be a prospective candidate tour in March. Well, it’s true that usually, people come for that, like, half a year before the admission, but… You might want to stay overnight to get acquainted with the sights of West Point… But even if it’s just a day tour, I’ll figure something out. — I’ll definitely try. — Glad to hear that. I have to go. Don’t do anything stupid here, okay? — What are you talking about? I’ve been so law-abiding lately that the principal must have already forgotten my name. — I adore you. Everything’s been amazing. — Yes, quite okay. But fuck you, I’m not subjecting myself to waxing. I will not allow the Inquisition with wax at the ready to approach me. How long did I actually last with this promise? Six weeks. Until March 11th. On March 13 I went to the Point.

***

I was driving home from the airport, feeling glad that I wouldn’t have to meet Camille at one in the morning. But she was sitting in the hallway, obviously waiting for me, and not just suffering from insomnia. There was no way to bypass or ignore her, so I leaned against the wall and said: — Well hello. Have you been sitting like this since yesterday? — You won’t believe it but no. David texted that you’d be home soon. — Is that so? Thank him. Camille was sitting on the bottom step of the stairs. She moved over and patted the spot next to her. — Sit down. — Thanks, I’d rather stand. — Nini, you don’t have to behave like that, — this name coupled with the fact that I had not been called it since I was 6, and Camille’s switching to French, and she spoke almost like a normal human being: without irritation or overwhelming fatigue — all these almost made me rush over there to hug her or tear up. Almost. — What should I do? Get out of the house? Can it wait until June? — Just talk to me. — Why, are we a talking family now? — We had always been a talking family until you stopped speaking. — So now it’s my fault as well? Maybe you got divorced because of me, too? — No. Because of me. — Camille got up, wrapped herself in a blanket, and stood next to me, also leaning against the wall. She had to look up to look me in the eyes. — I had not seen Benoit at this age. — If you’re talking about him again, I’ll leave. — Wait! Why are you so selfish? Do you want to be an adult? So behave like one! It’s time you noticed that your parents are people too! Can’t I share my anxieties and worries? Do you have any idea what it’s like to be forced to leave everything behind and move into a total unknown in just two days? We were not even allowed to drive to Benoit and fly out of there! And we sat in Atlanta and waited for him day after day after day. Then we drove from airport to airport, because it was impossible to get through on the phone. We stood in lines for hours and days for information, food, medicines… And for a year after that, we sent requests wherever possible. All to no avail! We found his whole team, except for him. He didn’t die on the plane. It happened There. They said that they were sitting together, and then he walked away with two strangers and never returned. This wouldn’t have happened if we had been together! It’s my fault, do you understand? — Nonsense, Mom. It was the end of the world. If you had been together, maybe none of you would have made it here. — No! I would come to every major competition to support him, maybe I was even a little crazy about it, and then I decided that it was time to pursue my career and went to a three-day accounting seminar, damn it! — I still don’t understand how it was your fault. Are you going to claim that all those cities and countries perished because of you? And, anyway, we don’t know for a fact that Benoit is not alive. — But how can that be? — Well, what do we know about what happened? They say that the whole territory became uninhabitable and it is still dangerous even to visit, but this is utter nonsense! Is there radiation evenly spread everywhere and absolutely everything is destroyed? It’s hard to believe. And if someone survived, they can get themselves a lot of resources. So, maybe Benoit has even become a leader of a post-apocalyptic tribe there. — Oh, why can’t you always be like this? — Because I’m a human too, albeit a clone. But some people like me just the way I am. — Me, for example, — Camille looked at me and even smiled. Oh my God…David Jenkins! Who would have thought? — I don’t believe it myself, — I sighed and, possibly, also began to smile like a fool. — But you don’t think that I’ll suddenly start discussing this with you? — God forbid! Go to bed already and don’t even think about skipping school again tomorrow. — Of course not. Now, more than ever, I will work for the academy. Back in my room, I texted Dave: Because of your communication with the enemy, I had to have a heart-to-heart with Camille. Thanks a lot. But having given it some thought, I sent another one: I mean, thanks. No sarcasm. I miss you a little. I didn’t take my eyes off the screen until I got his answer:

I miss you a lot. No one here admires me ☹