Sing to me

What do you want to tell him, Tina?

      Have you ever had to toast at your best friend's wedding, but as soon as you got up from the table the words seem to stuck to the palate along with the tongue not giving a chance to utter a word? With me, yes, it just happened. Right now.       Until that moment, I didn't know that my childhood crush on my best friend still lives in me. Yes, Henry, it's about you…       So, now I stand with a glass of sparkling wine in my hand, bat my eyelashes and look at him silently. I look into his beautiful blue eyes, and time seemed to stop: I do not hear the rumble of voices, the clinking of glasses and the solemn music that quietly spreads around the wedding hall. There is only one question running through my head: What do you want to tell him, Tina?       Do you want to say that you are happy for him? But this is not true… Do you want to wish him and his newly made wife to be happy? But this is also not true… Do you want to scream that you love him? But it's so selfish…       For years I suppressed the desire to love him, kiss him and be with him that now, feeling like a whirlwind blows all the walls inside me and I can not utter a word.       What do you want to tell him, Tina? Why now, Tina?       It seems to me that time really has stopped. The hands of the clock are not ticking, the people all around froze. There is only me and him, and I don't know what to say. Should I tell that I'm stupid? Then it's true… Or to say that all these years I was in love with him? But I didn't admit it to myself until now…       Tears well up in my eyes and I force a weak smile. Time goes again. I hear the rumble of voices, the clinking of glasses and the solemn music that quietly spreads around the wedding hall.       — What do you want to tell them, Tina? — someone quietly asked me.       Really, what do I want to tell them? That my heart is broken? But it broke a long time ago… That I’m a coward? But everyone knows this for a long time ago too…       It's weird to realize this, but it seems that even Henry's parents always knew that I was in love with him even when I was afraid to admit it to myself.       What do you want to tell him, Tina?       The only question that's running through my head right now…              — Be hap… hmmm… — words get up in my throat, seem to be controlled by the heart, they don’t want me to say anything at all right now. — Be happy, make each other happy, love and never be silent about it. That's all I wanted to say.       My lips stretch into a fake smile, showing my white teeth.       I dutifully hand over the microphone to one of Henry's aunts, who is sitting next to me. She joyfully jumps up from her seat and begins to babble something cheerfully with tears in her eyes. The fake smile won't leave my face and I hide my eyes from Henry and sit back at the table.       Love and never be silent about it.       Perhaps these are the words I should have said to myself. I had to write them in huge letters on the wall of my apartment. But I was stupid and blind.       Up to this last moment, I've drowned my feelings for Henry in eternal jokes, playing friendship with him.       Aunt Henry's speech ended, and the lead singer of some band stepped onto the impromptu stage in the middle of the wedding hall. A thin young man with jet-black hair said that there would be dancing now.       Dancing.       Henry and I loved to dance. We loved to fool around together, turn up the music at full volume and dance until our legs hurt. But now he gives his hand to his bride and together they go to the center of the hall. Their appearance is accompanied by a joyful roar. Everyone around is happy. A slow and overly whiny melody begins to play. Henry hugs his fiancee and they slowly begin to dance together.       Love and never be silent about it.       I repeat these words to myself and smile sadly.       My hand is suddenly covered by someone else's warm palm. I take my eyes off the dancing couple and look around.       Henry's brother Nick sits next to me.       — Are you ok? — he asks me and looks like he knows what's going on in my head right now.       — Yes, — I answer unnaturally quickly, to which Nick just shakes his head.       I take my hand away and excuse myself as I get up from the table. Maneuvering between tables and dancing couples, I leave the ceremonial hall. The music remains somewhere behind, and the cool summer air hits the nose. The day has already turned into evening and the red setting sun illuminates the green vineyards which extend in the vicinity of the estate, which Henry and his bride chose for the wedding.       Walk away into the sunset.       Yes, I want to walk away into the sunset, leave Henry's life. I lost him, I can no longer look him in the eye. My heart will break every time I see his blue eyes.       I slowly trudge towards the parking lot where I left my car. Fortunately, I'm not drunk and I can drive and run away from the wedding.       — Tina! — a male voice calls out to me.       I turn around. Henry walks quickly towards me. His perfectly coiffed hair is a little tousled, and his bow tie is unbuttoned and now dangles somewhere around Cavill's broad chest.       — Henry? — I look at the man in surprise and treacherous tears well up in my eyes. — What are you doing here?       — Where are you leaving? — Cavill asks as he comes closer to me.       Did he run away from the newlyweds' first dance?       — Head ached, — I lied. — I'll go home, I don't want to sit with a sad face and spoil your wedding.       — Applesauce! — Henry protests. — You won't spoil anything. Don't leave.       It seems to me that Cavill's voice trembled at the last words. I stand and look at him, blinking stupidly, trying to wipe away the welling tears.       What do you want to tell him, Tina?       And here again all my words, like my tongue, stuck to the palate, and I silently stand looking at Henry.       I begging time not to stop, it's too hard for me to look into those blue eyes.       — I married Anna because she is expecting a child from me. My relationship with her was a mistake.       The meaning of Henry's words slowly sinks into my mind. I breathe out nervously.       — Why are you telling me this? — I speak with difficulty, my tongue does not want to obey me.       — Because I don't want you to leave.       Time stopped. I do not breathe, I no longer feel the breath of the wind, I do not hear the singing of evening birds and voices which should be heard from the side of the wedding hall. I stand and look him straight in the eyes and see nothing else.       — There, in the hall, you wished us to love and never be silent about it. — Henry's voice makes time tick again. — I don't like Anna. I don't want to be with her. I didn't want this wedding, my parents forced us... I don't love Anna.       I don't love Anna.       His words deafen me, making my heart beat faster.       — Who do you love? — I ask quietly, afraid to move.       — It’s you. It’s always been you. — He says and, then quickly closing the distance between us and covers my lips with his…