I'm so tired
November 14, 2023 at 4:35 PM
It's cold.
The whole room is in darkness. The window was still open as it had been since morning, the footsteps of the drunkards could be heard outside and their cheerful cries seemed louder and louder in spite of the distance.
The boy lay on the bed and looked at the ceiling, not counting how long he has been awake...In his head there are so many thoughts, so many voices that say and repeat one thing: "What were you born for?".
He only realizes time after time that his existence seems meaningless and useless. At the same time, he tries to find some meaning in his life. It's so hard, so painful and meaningless, his already small and broken heart feels like it's shrinking again.
As he thinks about his relationships with others, especially those close to him, he realizes that they too have had their struggles and problems. But at the same time, he realizes that they all somehow managed to overcome these difficulties and live. But not him.
-Why--
He turned on his side and clenched his eyes, holding back the incoming tears as if to reprimand himself.
-Why am I so weak? Even she managed to carry me and give birth to me... my older sister... Despite the hardships.
The boy cried, and then with a rush of inexplicable desire that came to him every night. He looked under his pillow and it was gone.
The blade that the boy had hidden for so long and only today had left for a moment... No. She had found it...found it!
The voices were getting louder and louder, and that ugly squeak in my ears.
-No, no, no, no... go away. I said get out!
When I hit the wall, it stopped. The thoughts and the voices were silent. Except his hand. He looked at his trembling hand and it was as if he was frozen until she flew into the room. Only to start yelling and accusing him of being an idiot. It's nighttime, and he's got to go to this crumbling old school where he's afraid to leave anything behind.
-Give me the phone.
-Why? I'm on it.
-I don't want to hear anything, you and your gadgets.
And the same song started again. Once again, he's a freak and a creature and his condition is a fantasy according to her. Even if he starts dying of something worse, she'll start saying it's because of technology again. That's disgusting. He's just tired.
After giving up that ugly, sometimes even non-functioning piece of metal. She left.
And the guy just got more into himself.
The cold, the cries of the drunks, the body lying quietly on the floor. He's not alive, but he's not dead.
