feel?

He listens to someone else’s very quiet breathing, which he learns from a dozen of the same, realizing that everything that is happening is real. He’s alive, just like everyone else. He is finally free, as are all those who are dear to him. He is in love, lost and infinitely hopeless. Doomed. To give your body and soul to someone who does not need them at all? To dissolve so much in someone else’s indifferent hatred? Or just accept the fact that the one you depend on does not experience this in response? Neil knows what Mom would say if she found out. After learning about how he screwed up. Her angry screams can be heard in his head, he feels whipping blows on burning cheeks, and then cold tears rolling down. Mom didn’t forgive weaknesses. And attachment is a weakness. Feelings are weakness. Emotions are weakness. Neil is entirely sewn together from the remnants of these weaknesses; he himself does not understand why he is still alive. A gun no longer rests under the pillow, a bag full of money, important contacts and documents for a new name and identity does not lie next to it. All the property no longer fits in the hands, as it was just a couple of years ago. He can’t run away, leaving everyone to their fate, he can’t disappear, leaving behind only a thin trail of disappointment and broken phrases. Neil’s life doesn’t belong to him. Probably, after all, never belonged. Mom was just playing with the destined future and lost. But he still continues to live, even without a mother. Neil no longer needs protection, and absolutely does not know how to keep Andrew by his side. He has no secrets and additional moves left, there is nothing left with which to attract his attention. And to give up the Minyard seems something unthinkable, unbearable. It’s getting harder to breathe, and my heart is being squeezed by invisible vises. He clutches his chest, clutching his T-shirt. He longs to get rid of this endless feeling of unshakable longing, devouring from the inside cell by cell. Neil is used to constant pain, used to deep cuts, burning burns, peeling skin that will have to be torn off in the morning along with the fabric, used to constant medications and bandages, fuck, yes, he will even get used to bullets tearing flesh, if necessary. But Neil can’t get used to this pain. To empty indifference, harsh words and condescending looks. To callousness, from which it breaks, as if it turns inside out. Their connection is based only on Andrew’s interest, fed by his hatred. But everything comes to an end, right? Neil doesn’t want the final, doesn’t want this triumphant defeat. He is ready to play a draw over and over again, just not to lose to Minyard’s indifference. Carefully getting out of bed so as not to disturb someone else’s light sleep, Neil grabbed a pack of cigarettes from the windowsill and left the bedroom on stiff legs. The world is spinning around too much, it seems that only Neil is standing still, hitting the corners of this dishonest reality every time. He is no longer satisfied with ordinary survival, he has tasted what everyone around him calls life, and does not want to give it up at all.

“A pipe dream”

It had been dark outside for a long time, and he had not been able to sleep. Silence has covered the Palmetto, and nothing can be heard except his own bursting heart. Ringing thoughts are spinning in a heap in my head, forcing even more. Neil doesn’t know how much longer he can survive under such pressure. Damn, he was tired. It’s cold and windy on the roof as usual. The air in frozen streams sneaks under the thin fabric of pajamas, it seems, trying to get straight into the soul. Neil is choking. Before his eyes are hundreds of memories that he kept on this roof. Thousands of touches and kisses. Millions of heartbeats. But no one will hear the sound. Andrew won’t hear, because he’s not interested at all. Or maybe you’ve never really been interested? Sitting on the very edge, Neil dangled his legs. And only for a split second I thought about what would happen if he broke down. He can already see Nicky, Dan and Matt crying. Renee would have held on tenaciously to keep at least some support for the guys. She has always been this concrete wall on which all their morale is maintained throughout the time. Aaron might have been in a slight stupor, as if the microwave had broken down, and now he would have to get used to warming food in a frying pan. Unpleasant changes that you can get used to. Kevin would be furious that he would have to change the main bunch of forwards again. Alison remains a mystery to Neil, she was always too strong, even after Seth’s death. As for Andrew… Maybe he’ll laugh. Or even ignore this event, as if nothing unusual had happened. The usual Tuesday with minor troubles. A stupid combination of circumstances that disrupted his plans for the day. Damn insanity. The cigarette makes you want to spit out your lungs; the acrid smoke scorched your throat with bitterness. Neal coughed, leaning forward. I lost my balance. Well, that’s it,” he thinks, feeling absolutely nothing from it. Just emptiness. Quiet, silent and dark. A little cold. He got used to it, got related, accepted it as a part of himself, and learned to put up with it. There is nothing terrible about death. Life is much more terrifying. And only now did Neil realize it. Someone’s reliable hand that grabbed him by the T-shirt in time saved him from falling. The fabric bit into the skin, irritating. Neil did not turn around, knowing that no one else comes to this roof. There is no need to select possible options, the answer is as obvious as the indifference that permeated it. And then why is it all? It’s easier to let go, and stop being annoyed once again. Not clear. “Can’t sleep?” A hoarse voice sounded behind him. Neil did not answer, continuing to peer into the dark and already so familiar landscape. He doesn’t want to talk, doesn’t want to have even the slightest chance that everything can end here. Here, where everything once began. But Josten understands perfectly well that these thoughts, devouring him every day, will eventually overcome him. They will win. They will not leave a scrap of a torn heart. “I…” Neil begins, feeling a huge, heavy lump form in his throat. And it’s getting harder to breathe. He doesn’t turn around. He doesn’t even want to see this indifferent, but so beloved face. Those dangerous, amber eyes in the light of the sun. “I don’t understand anything” Josten breathes hoarsely, overcoming the incredible tickling in his throat. He sends the half-smoked cigarette flying. “Why do you need me” It’s already very quiet, even in a whisper, he finishes, not even thinking that Minyard will hear. But he heard. Andrew silently moved away from Neil’s back and sat down next to him, also hanging his legs down. He took his own pack out of his pocket and pulled out two cigarettes, lighting up. He handed one to the unresisting Josten, forcing his heart to do a somersault. Minyard looked indifferently at the familiar dark streets and was silent. Maybe he let Neil speak out, or maybe he just didn’t want to respond to such statements. “Why do you stay close, let me stay?” Josten blurted out excitedly. Andrew didn’t turn around, continuing to study the night Palmetto. “You hate me…” Neil continued, bringing the cigarette to his lips with trembling fingers. He almost coughed again, knocking off his already unstable breathing. Fear enveloped him in a dense cocoon, as if protecting him from all the troubles of the world. But I couldn’t keep Andrew away. “And I don’t need protection anymore…” Josten muttered incoherently, only now realizing how pathetic his broken voice sounded. “Fuck…” “Idiot” Minyard replied laconically, not looking at him. “What?” “I hate not you, but the fact that you make me…” Andrew began slowly, and Neil realized how hard it was for both of them to have this already difficult conversation. But if Andrew answered, that means something, right? It’s not just like that, right? “…to feel.” Josten froze, froze, stunned. He couldn’t get a word out of himself. All thoughts disappeared at once. Complete sterility, emptiness. Endless silence. “Anxiety, excitement… joy, fear” Minyard continued very quietly. It is clear that he did not want to talk about it at all. I would prefer to avoid this topic, this conversation, until the very end. But for some reason I gave up, decided to talk anyway. “And I really really want to kill you when you put yourself in danger and neglect your own life for someone else. For me” “You don’t want that? Well… feel?” Neil turned in his direction, feeling his own heart pounding unbearably fast. “I don’t deserve it” Andrew replied emotionlessly, also turning around. His face was habitually cold, detached, but Neal knew that at this very moment, all of Minyard’s attention, his entire closed world, was directed only at Josten himself. Andrew let Neil get deeper than just into his head. Under the skin. Maybe even… in the heart? “You’re the most amazing person I’ve ever known” Josten said very honestly, to which he gets a desperate grin. Andrew doesn’t believe it. “I trusted you with my life, hoping for nothing. I trusted you completely. And look, I’m still alive. I don’t understand how you really feel about me, I’m afraid that you’ll decide that I’m no longer interesting. I’m really afraid of this, Andrew” Neil says in a broken voice, finishes his cigarette with one puff and throws the butt into flight after the previous one. He didn’t even notice how it was stuck in his fingers. “You have used up the limit of honesty for this year” Neil only snorted at this statement, but he felt like a huge stone that had been pressing all this time fell from his aching soul. “What should I do to make you stay?” Josten asked quietly. He is now ready to agree to anything Andrew wants. I am ready to sacrifice everything so that he does not leave. Did not leave him at the very beginning of this confusing path that awaits them both. “Get rid of your suicidal tendencies” Neil, without even having time to think, immediately nodded. But Mignard didn’t seem to believe the gesture. He passed an appraising and slightly incredulous look over Josten’s face and continued: “No, Neil. You did not understand. You need to chat with Bee” “What?” “I don’t want to rip your body off the asphalt” Josten opened his mouth to protest, but Andrew didn’t let him do it. “I don’t want to look for you all over Baltimore while you’re having fun with maniacs, I don’t want to find out that you were tortured for two weeks just because you wanted to protect someone there” So does Minyard blame himself for what was done to Neil in Evermore? And which of them comes up with their own problems? “You’ll visit Betsy once a week and talk about yourself, not about Axie or whatever else comes into your head” There was silence. It wasn’t stressful or annoying. Neil considered Andrew’s words, even though he knew that maybe it would really help him. Andrew knows exactly what he’s talking about. Betsy Dobson is a person that Minyard trusts. She is his thirteenth specialist, and of all the past ones, she is the one who was able to win attention, trust, interest, the devil knows what else, Andrew. Maybe this is a good option? Some problems Neil can’t solve on his own, neither Vimak, nor Andrew, nor even the FBI can solve them. Maybe Betsy is the one who can? “Okay” Josten agrees, still not believing he did it. Trying is not torture, right? There were plenty of tortures in Neil’s life, and it is unlikely that a couple of sessions with a therapist will be worse than what he has already experienced. “Yes or no?” Andrew asks calmly, and Neil is surprised, as if there might be some other option besides “Yes”. He always, absolutely always agrees to whatever Minyard suggests. “Yes” Of course Yes. Andrew quickly approaches, wraps one arm around Neil’s neck and kisses him so gently, so tremulously and even… gently? Josten breaks into small pieces, crumbles into dust, at this very moment he is lifted up somewhere, above the clouds. With a kiss, he feels a long-awaited acceptance, liberation from some of his own shackles that have been holding him in place lately. The body relaxes instantly, and there is nothing left in the head except the movements of the soft lips of the Minyard. If this moment, this minute, while they were enjoying each other, could be looped to put on repeat, Neil, without hesitation, would do it. He would give everything he has and can have for this. Every second of its existence. He felt a slight, aching disappointment when Andrew pulled away, leaving a warm trace on his lips. Minyard got to his feet and held out his hand to Josten, and then said: “Let’s go to bed. Kevin will shake the whole soul out of you if you’re sleepy as a fly, show the newcomers a bad example” Neal grabbed his hand, accepting the help. Maybe he’ll be calm now.