NO PASARAN

Dark, empty and cold.        Where I am? Is anybody here?        I don't like it, I want to leave, please, someone...     I'm still alive. I feel a pounding in my chest. I feel the pulse, it is there, even if it is rare.     – Breathe! Hear me, breathe, please, Hani... breathe. Please...     I feel someone's warm hand on my forehead.     – You can't go any further. Stay in the corridor.     I hear some noise, squeaking, talking, walking.     – Hani, please wake up. Can you hear me? It's me, Minho, your Minho. Please. I'm begging you...     I hear someone crying, maybe something is wrong            Minho? Tell me, is it been a long since everything had gone wrong? My life has become a complete hell, there is no way out of here. I'm so sorry, there's nothing I can do about it.   – Fight, I beg you. I... I can't, I can't be without you. Soni, honey, fight.     I would console, but for some reason I can’t say even a word. I can't move, I can't open my eyes, even I can't figure out what's going on. I'm scared.     – Wait a little, just a little more, I beg you.          I'm sorry, I can't breathe, it's too hard.        I'm sorry, I'm sorry...        After all, I won't be able to forgive myself. But, I ask, please, can you forgive the one who will die now, and the one who will be reborn later?        I can't believe I did it. I'm sorry you had to see me like this. Forgive me that I'm not perfect, sorry for these wounds. How many times have you told me that there is nothing shameful in them, and that everyone has their own story, but I am so sorry that I let you into mine. I'm sorry that you got a person like this. Such an ungrateful and disgusting individual who knows no boundaries.        I know you're in pain. I told you that there was no point in continuing on, no point in fighting.        Only now I understand the meaning of all the words you said. Now, when I'm dying in front of your eyes. I'm extremely ashamed. So much so that I'm ready to fall into the ground right now. Although, and this is not far off, probably.        The way out, which I always assumed would be the right one, turned out to be a deception. I thought that if I lose my life and no longer feel anything, then it will be better for everyone. I worth nothing, like you, like all of us. Yes?        After death, there is nothing, nothing. Just nothing..? So does death make sense if there is nothing in it? It comes anyway, whether you like it or not. I would still die someday, so was it worth it now, when there is still a chance to live and fix everything? I wouldn't wonder if fate had plans for me, and just simply acted. No matter how hard it is to realize, but... the past always remains the past. Absolutely always. So is it worth it to reproach yourself for what has already happened?        Minho, but do I have a chance?        My big cat with needles like a hedgehog. After all, we might never have met. We would never be able to communicate, to live together, to love each other. I'm scared just from the thought that I would never be able to know you. Live all your life on one planet and not be acquainted, can you imagine? By Universal standards, our Earth is nothing, literally, even a grain of sand on the beach is bigger. So why are we so afraid of everything? Afraid to love, to hate, to cry...        ...to live?   Fleeting images flash in memory          I remember the color of your eyes, the shape of your lips, how they softened during the morning kiss and how reddened when you pressed me against the cold wall around the corner of the sawmill where my favorite "Bring the noize" concert was held. I remember how beautiful the evening sky was that day, and how beautiful you were when the last rays of the setting sun reflected on your profile. In your eyes I saw more than I had seen in my entire life. Billions of small stars shimmered in such close eyes. When you love, a person doesn't owe you for it. When you are loved, you don't owe anything for it. When you both love, for real, without explanation that these are just chemical reactions inside the body, you love just like that. Just because you want.        If you want something, there is no need to answer for others' question "Why?". Say that you just want it, that's enough. The brain is not easy to deceive, the heart is even more so. They always know your true feelings and what you really want. You already know the answer to any question somewhere inside, you just need to think carefully.        The correct answer is already in your head. Your sincere desire is in your head. You already know your ideal style. All this is blocked by some barriers from the outside. That is why society influences a person in such a way.     Bright light, and after everything is in a fog And it's getting thicker, tighter            Looks like it's really time to say goodbye. But I'm not ready. All my life, cutting my veins, I thought I was ready. I was wrong. And that was the biggest mistake I've ever made. It costed me the most.        I'm not ready. Take me back. I really realized it, I can't believe it. Does solving the biggest problem in my life have to cost so much? Perhaps yes. It must. I want to repay all this, but it's too early.        It's still too early.     No, today I will not leave, today I will be stronger            How do people create their universes? They don't give a shit about the laws of others. They don't care about anything. Absolutely. I wish I did the same...        Does creating your own universe equal rose-colored glasses and an escape from problems, or is it salvation among the departed souls? In my head the voices always equate this with the first. What if you don't listen to them?        We could live in a universe where there were no problems. No money, no government and no war. There were nothing to upset us. It would be so great. What a pity that this wasn't destined to come true. Even the power of love cannot do everything. But what about those stories, stories and books that say good and love always conquers evil? Any writer would laugh right in my face.     Hope for yourself and prayers will not help You need to gather your will into a fist and join this battle            Your life is the most valuable thing you have. That's what my dad told me when I was a kid, after we buried my mom. Sometimes everyone needs to give up, cry, get angry, this is normal, we are all people, just someone understood this, and someone didn't. That's what my brother told me at my father's funeral. Nothing last forever, so you just need to accept the loss and step forward until you lose yourself. That's what one person told me. My dear person, my favorite.        What was his name..?     Old woman with a scythe, I'm sorry, you have to wait a little longer            Honey, I'm still waiting for you. You are not alone. You're a lovely guy and I love you very much. Today is my birthday. You love him very much, because I always cook a whole table of food and we invite our friends. Every year I... I never ceased to be amazed by your presents, after all, no one knows me better than you. And no one loves me more than you. Nobody made me feel like you did. Nobody kisses me goodbye but you when I go to our vet. No one in this life has ever been able to please my cats as much as you do. I hope one day you believe in yourself as much as I believe in you. Fight, Jisung.     A moan escapes my lips and I start to breathe harder            What's happening?        I woke up? I've woken up! Or not...        Someone's hand is tightly intertwined with mine, a bunch of needles are stuck in my hand, I can't feel my legs, I can't even move. Hey anyone? Anyone...        I...woke up...        Am I hearing my own heartbeat, or it isn't mine? A distinct sound in the chest of a man clenching his palm, as out of tune as a guitar after a purchase. This tune is completely unfamiliar to me. It is identical to the beeping of the heart apparatus to which I am connected.     My heart is in unison with yours, in the same rhythm And I believe that this is not a dream, for the first time in my life            I don't remember your face or your name, can you call me yours after that? We are tightly connected, I can feel it. So strong that your words make me believe that I'm still alive. Or it is an illusion? No, I won't believe it. This is all untrue.        Hold me tight please. Whoever you are. Only your power of thought doesn't allow my soul to leave the body, only the memories of you remain in my head and cannot let me step over the line of no return. Please don't say goodbye to me. We are one whole. You and me...     Someone removed the barrier and you got inside me     – Do you remember how you and I went to the river outside the city? Caught fish there, spent the night in a tent? Do you remember the first time we met in high school? I never thought that I could be friends with you. You were always a platoon of the class, but at the same time during breaks you often dined alone on the landing, on the very top floor. I was leaving the cooking club when I suddenly heard a quiet guitar melody from another class.    

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           Yes, I must have looked really stupid when I stuck the top of my head out to the side to look at you through the door.   – Minho? – Eh, I'm sorry, I... was just passing by, I didn't want to interfere. Yes, uh, I'm Minho, your classmate. Nice to meet you.          And this despite the fact that we were together in the same class for two years.   – My name is Jisung. Amateur guitarist. It turns out ragged so far, and not very beautiful. – Maybe I don’t know much about music, but I liked the way you played. I would like that too... – Have you ever tried? – No, the parents promised to buy more in childhood, but then, as usual, they forgot. Here, began to hoard. – But for a basic guitar, you don't need much. – Yes, but even on it there is no possibility yet... – I understand. You can stay if you're interested. I am not against the company.          You've always been not against  my company.   – I wrote a song here, do you want to listen? – A song? Do you write songs? – I'm practicing.          And then you played for me for the first time. Then I forgot for a second that we were at school and the fact that just ten minutes ago we didn't know each other. "Wish you back" was my favorite.    

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       And it remains.     And all these feelings poured like a waterfall from old wounds   – Do you remember how we took Dori in with us? What about Tsuki? You always said that since childhood you wanted a white Pomeranian. When I recall your face, when we came for her, it immediately breaks into a smile. Your face, it's so pale. Honey, I miss your laugh so much. That serious look when you were teaching Tsuki commands. For the sight of you in our bed. Your cheeks were so cute swollen in the morning, your hair stuck out in different directions, and my T-shirt half opened your collarbones. Nothing in the house has your scent on anymore. And now you stink like a pharmacy, I'm already sick of it. You know, now it’s as if nothing human is left in you anymore, except for the body. – I really hope you're not in pain. Wherever you are, come back home soon, Jisung-ni.     Who knows, maybe – we have a minute left Therefore, you hear, NO PASARAN            I have no strength, absolutely, I can't even answer you anything. But after all the attempts, after all the mistakes, I can safely say that I'm tired of running away from myself.        You can’t doubt what you want to do, otherwise you will immediately change your mind. No need to regret what you did, because you can't wake the dead anymore.        It's early, it's still too early.     Get more air into your lungs Open your eyes and try to climb     – Y... – Jisung? I almost forgot...w-what your voice sounds like. I felt so terrible. If only... if I only wasn't late, you wouldn't be here. – You.. saved..     Everything seems complicated, distant, but I feel like I'm already wiggling my fingers     – Hush, everything is fine. I am here next to you. – Me. – I'll always be with you. – Saved. Thank you.. – Honey? Honey, can you hear me? Jisung?? Your hands, they are cold. JISUNG!! DON'T CLOSE YOUR EYES! DO YOU HEAR? PLEASE!! – What's going on here? Oh my god, DOC KIM!!          The squeak of instruments, the heart stopped.     White light tries to break through the eyelids            I'm terribly tired, let me finally sleep.     Voices whisper in my ear to leave it all I gave up trying, resigned to what I have          A strange dream.   Minho? I see you. I see how sad you are. You're sitting next to a hospital bed and cry. Why are you crying? Something happened? Wait, someone is calling me. Now, a couple of minutes and I'll be back, don't go anywhere. I'm quickly. Where did this glow come from?     Come on, see how the lantern light up the alley            Interesting, how long does it take to get there? I promised Minho that I would be back as soon as possible. Stairs? Okay, I'll go check it out and come back. Wow, I have never seen such flowers, but there is a whole field. I'll have to take Minho here later, he should like it.     Step two and the road seems smooth White light is so bright, but it burns through the retina     – Lost soul. You suffered a lot. Was it you who called me? Something happened? I'm sorry, but if you don't need anything, I'm coming back. – There is nowhere else for you to go. You must have confused me with someone, I'll probably go. – There is no information about you left in your soul at all, honey, how strange. That's what Minho calls me. How did you know? – Minho isn’t here, and he won’t be visiting you again. I'm sorry, soul. I see that you have nothing more than memories with this person. Everything else left your body. My body? What will happen to him? – It will rot like all other bodies. But how will I meet Minho then? – No, you're dead. And he is alive. I'm dead? – Haven't you noticed anything yet, darling? Look around. This is emptiness. Doesn't emptiness come with death? But I couldn't die... I chose living. – You made the right decision, but it's too late. The time has come. Ask me your last question. Tell me how can I see Minho? – There is one way, but it will cost too much. I'm ready to give everything I have. – The price is your most important memory. Having given it away, you will no longer remember either that it happened, or that it entailed it. Our conversation will also disappear from your memory. Is this the payback for my sin? – Yes. I agree.     I have to get up, going through hundreds of losses I have to go. I must go to you!   – Recording clinical death. Stabilization is normal. The resuscitation was successful.   My heart is in unison with yours, which means it's still beating The owner of it – still doesn't give up          Warm. I hear birds outside the window. And the smell of drops. Isn't today Wednesday? I need to go to the vet. What a headache. Where am I anyway?   White walls, too bright. Again burns my eyes Away with other nonsense, I'm ripping off the wires          I was in the bathroom, how did I end up here, did my brother come? How did they manage to pump me out? What an idiot I am, trying to find a way out. The door was so close, but I went through the window. I need to get out of here quickly.   The noise of devices, someone is trying to say something No, I'm sorry, but I don't want to sleep so long anymore.          Where is my stuff? My brother must have paid for the room. I need to call him. Why it's snowing outside, is it winter now? Why is this bag on the chair? It isn't mine. How long I have stayed here...   Step two and the road seems smooth White light is so bright, but it burns the retina           Gotta get up, damn it. The body has already atrophied, badly. My legs fail, leaning against the wall, I fall, but – You can't get up, where are you going? Come back quickly! – Head.. spinning. Don't worry, it's all right.          Again the catheters were injected, how painful. Why was the light turned on? Now it's a day. I'm alive, right? How strange. Why is it so light in here? And it's dark outside...        I passed out again, damn it. What, a guy? Who are you? Why do I feel like I've seen you somewhere before?        Beautiful.        Why are you sleeping next to me, right on the chair, put your hand on mine, and squeeze it so, tightly- tightly?   – H-hani? HANI, YOU ARE ALIVE! – Wait- – You’re alive, I can’t b-believe. I t-thought I wouldn't see you again. – Wait, who are you? – Jisung, it’s me! Minho. Your… Minho. – I don't remember you...     I have to get up, experiencing hundreds of losses I must go, I must go to you!