Solitude without loneliness

— What makes you different from others? — Perhaps, absence of fear to make a claim about myself. In the beginning not everybody is brave enough to take a step towards what you’ve wanted so long.

***

It was sunny frosty morning. Felix, despite the fact he woke up very early tried not to look at the clock, in order that he shouldn’t find out that he was being late. He stood in the middle of the room, desperately trying to iron his only proper jacket that he had. Felix didn’t know if he would pass an interview, bus was almost sure that he wouldn’t be left unnoticed. It cannot be said that he overestimated himself… Although, considering that his choice fell on one of the most successful magazines, the internship in which was paid ten times more than his pathetic scholarship, – then yes. Surely, he miscalculated at some point. — So, basically tolerable, — said Felix in front of the mirror. — It’s foolish to hope that in such a magazine only my competence will be paid attention to and moreover at the first meeting. Laughter from the realization of the absurdity of the situation did not take long to wait and Felix reproached himself for conceit more than once, though at the back of his mind he understood that deserved what the life presented him. Felix is the second-year journalism student. But he’s not comfortable with this social role. Rather, he doesn’t want to be restricted to it. We can’t say that he’s a hard worker or a diligent student, and that’s why he wants to spend his precious student years at work, which he will always be able to curse, as his mother says. — No, if I’m about to sit like that, Mr. Bang won’t even hesitate about my hideous self-presentation, — the guy put the chair in front of the mirror and estimated how much space he would take up sitting in front of the executive director. — And “we’ll call you back” will become a stigma on my whole journalistic life, — Felix really paid too much attention to the minor details that he never got into in everyday life.

***

— Are you a second-year student? — All right. — And you’re sure that you’ll have enough time for everything? All the same the internship is almost full. Don’t you think you’ll be expelled? — Mr. Bang, who would you employ more likely: a three-year experience editor of the best magazine or a journalist alumnus who’s speech is full of cliche and who is unable to avoid the most trivial topics in his handwritings? — As for the best magazine, you certainly exaggerated. But I like the way you’re thinking. Not all students can understand this simple truth. — Speaking about expelling, I’m not sure that the place is assigned to me, but I’m convinced I’ll be able to balance between work and studying. — Well, Lee Felix, I got it. I previously became familiar with some of your articles and I should say that they’re not bad for a beginner. I’m sure you’ll improve your skills in time. I’m ready to take you for the internship. — Thank you! I really hope I’ll come to your expectations, Mr. Bang. — You may proceed with work today, if you wish. The editor-in-chief will take you into your responsibilities. To be honest, Felix knew from the beginning that it would all come out that way. Not for nothing he took part not only in the educational activities, but in general in the university student life. Every second teacher heard a lot of good things of him and could recommend without a doubt. Now his main goal was not to make enemies in the new place, what was especially difficult among older people. — Hey, lad, the school is two blocks away. Or did you lose someone? — automatically said a man with wire-rimmed glasses, somewhat reminiscent of a math teacher. — You’d better come up with something new, Jisung. Don’t embarrass yourself, let me talk to the chap, — began the second one and, as it seemed, more hard-bitten. — I’m Minho, and you? — And I’m Felix. Lee Felix. I’ve just been interviewed and I wish I were employed, — smiling in a silly way he explained. — What have you done? Are you at least eighteen? — continued the first one not hiding his indignation and ridicule. — I am. Do you have anything against young employees? Or are you an ageist? — Look at him, Minho. That chap turned out to have a quick tongue. And what are you here, Felix? Felix… — snapped out Jisung having felt disregard. — My granny’s cat’s name was the same. — He is an editor, — a talk dark-haired young man came out into the corridor and looked around the two friends with a tired look. — I’ll ask not to detain anyone. Don’t you have enough work? — No, Mr. Hwang, we’re leaving already, — Minho took Jisung’s arm and walked with him to the other end of the corridor. — And you go to my sanctum, a newcomer, — the editor-in-chief has already turned around and stepped towards his study.

***

— So, as you’re a newcomer, moreover a student at the same time, the most part of your work will be distant. Rare presence in the office is quite relevant. And, in spite of flexible hours nobody will stand on ceremony with you. That’s why do your work properly, — began the editor-in-chief. — But if you want to be fired no having finished the second course, you’re welcome. —Yes, sir, — nodded Felix, hardly processing the information which Mr. Hwang was telling so fast, like he did it several times a day. The young man sitting in from of Felix was so calm and confident, that he didn’t have to seek the trainee’s reaction to his words. It didn’t matter to him, because all newcomers chiselled out that “Yes, sir”, separately half saluting in parallel. But not everyone could take the responsibility from the beginning lest to be fired out during the first week. — All that’s required of you is efficiency and keenness of wit. You won’t only rewrite the complete texts but you’ll write your owns and a lot. That’s the way to find out what you’re capable of. Improving other people’s works and creating your owns – are two different levels. If your ambitions are restricted to the first thing, you don’t belong here. The first tasks have been sent to you already by email. I’m giving you three days. As soon as you’ve finished them, send back. — Okay. May I bring them here? — lingered Felix. — You should. Of course, if you want to be socialized in the collective, — he grinned and pointed at the place, where Minho and Jisung had stood before. — And what about the workplace and equipment? — I’ll provide everything for you. Get to work. Energetically grained by the conversation Felix left the editor-in-chief’s study. Though this authoritative person said nothing special, but the feeling of encumbrance overtook the youngster immediately. There was something frightening in him that was repulsive, but something attractive too. Felix caught himself not latching on the instructions addressed to him. And that was not because of his own absent-mindedness or fluent Hwang’s speech, but he was gazing at his boss too attentively. Finally Felix officially got the job and even the first task and could go home to absorb this intense hour and a half, but decided to specify where his workplace would be. — Hello, my name is Felix. I’m the trainee, I’ve just been employed. Mr. Hwang said you know where my workplace is, — lingered Felix, having come to the secretary. — Nice to meet you. I’m Ningning, let’s get acquainted. Follow me, — the young woman replied kindly. While Felix was making himself comfortable in his new workspace, the two hand and glove friends passed by, totally ignoring his presence. He paid attention to their appearance: the way each of them was going, gesticulating, arguing, and laughing. And despite the typical friend resemblance, they were so different on the surface. Minho was higher and, in Felix’s opinion, more attractive. Smirking angrily he, however, didn’t take the liberty of laughing loudly as Jisung did. He wasn’t so discreet like Minho. His speech and charisma were very expressive. Nothing but the glasses and the tie made his outlook stricter. The both young men were dressed to kill. That’s the thing Felix should learn to do if he is not going to get a bad self-image. — Hi, I’m Changbin. And you? — suddenly another young man got close to him. This time Felix understood that the conversation would be more pleasant than the previous one. — Sorry, — the second one didn’t respond at once. — I’m lost in thought. I’m Felix, the newcomer. — I see. And what are you? — The editor. I’ll train how long I can. — What do you mean by “how long I can”? You won’t last a month with this mindset. Or did Hwang promise you a different time limit? I’m the correspondent, by the way. — He promised nothing and didn’t encourage at all, — Felix looked his new acquaintance up and down. — So I see you’re the main motivator here. — You bet! There’s no other way. Either you accept all the game rules how cruel they are, or you fail and get out of here. Felix was taken aback and had second thoughts about the efficiency of the begun conversation, when Changbin continued: — Well, you’ve done nothing here yet, have you? There’s nothing to be afraid of. I hope, you’ve not got into trouble. — How to say… — and Felix nodded with displeasure in the direction of those two ones, who he had been thinking about, until Changbin broke into his space. — You’ve scarcely spoiled the relations with Minsung? What a quickshot, — Changbin broke into laughter. — They were the first to dump on! — I know. Forget it, they molest everyone. Do you want me to tell you about the others? — You should have started with that, — Felix was encouraged. — Let’s go, — said Changbin having turned in a half turn, going to the corridor where the main hall was and the most of workplaces were situated. Felix could better look at his new friend. Changbin looked more casual than his colleagues, because the white shirt put on over his T-shirt was the only formal attire that he was wearing. But it couldn’t hide his pumped up hands and wide shoulders, which Felix couldn’t even dream of, because all his life he went only to school and back. But, to Felix’s great surprise, he was a little on the short side, being scarcely half a head shorter than Felix. — So, it’s Soyeon, our art-director. She’s hot as hell, but prefers working to dallying, — he began almost in a whisper. — Seven of the ten, — having heard this, Changbin stopped for a second and Felix followed him. — What? — stared Changbin. — I mean… Okay, humor for young people, let’s go on, — Felix took Changbin up sharply. — It’s Seungmin. He’s the Hwang’s vice and will remain him till his dying day. He envies him to the core, works his ass off and gets nothing except grey hair in his thirties. — You wanna say he hasn’t achieved anything? — Not really. Some years ago he was like we. But now… he’s the editor-in-chief’s vice! But anyone here doesn’t obey him when he replaces. Nobody cares, long story short. — And whose is this one? — Felix pointed at the messy desk. — Three guesses. — I suppose, it’s one of those dunces’. — You’re damn right! — Changbin say at the table corner and took several papers. — Some accounting reports… — And what must lie on the accountant’s desk? — Jisung appeared unexpectedly. — Get outta here! The man in glasses really looked like a born mathematician or even like a programmer. It seemed to Felix that he was in his place. — And the second? What’s his name… Minho? — Felix pulled Changbin by the arm, going back where they came from. — The manager, just an ordinary advertiser, — Changbin answered. — But it’s incomprehensible who they’re playing. — So… I need to go, — Felix waved his hand. — It was nice to meet you. — Likewise, — that one smiled. — Hold on, don’t you wanna listen to about our “dark horse”? — Who? — About Mr. Hwang, of course. — And what about him to listen to? — Felix looked at the boss’s door. — Reserved, cold. Maybe lonely. — You’re reading well. — Changbin raised the left corner of his mouth in a sly grin. — What is more, he doesn’t let anyone close enough. At all. — Did you try? — Felix burst into laughter. — Certainly, — the young man answered, expecting the newcomer’s surprise. — Oh, chill out. He doesn’t talk at close range in general. And, if you noticed, doesn’t look at anyone. — But I thought he acted like that only with me to increase his influence. — He’s close to Bang, give or take, as they work together half my life. And I still haven’t noticed especial regard from his side, — Changbin began to turn his head beware of “extra ears”. — I see. It’s so interesting here, — Felix came up to his desk and started to collect the things. — Okay, student, hope to see you the other day, — Changbin patted the second one on the shoulder. — Don’t worry, I’ll come. And don’t call me a student. — One might think, someone doesn’t know that you’ve come here to multiply your scholarship. — I came here not for money. — Yeah, let’s pretend that I don’t know what pennies the students live on, — Changbin scrolled his eyes. — No offence, we all walked this road. See you, — he waved his hand and went to the other department. This time Felix really went home, previously having put on his modest coat, in which he promised himself not to appear anymore here. On his way home a lot of thoughts were in his head, but most of all he remembered the latest talk with his new friend. He wasn’t expect to find a mate so quickly. Changbin was a really good variant for the further fellowship.

***

Felix lived in a rented flat, because he was sick and tired of the dormitory during his first course. Though he could get along with everybody thanks to his diplomatic skills, his soul demanded calmness. Now he was able to turn on the light at any time, walk naked, listen to his beloved rock till the night. A lot of things have changed since that moment. But the main thing – he could talk to himself. No one of his neighbours wouldn’t be thrilled about it. — What?! Two articles for the new issue and three for rewriting? — Felix opened the e-mail hoping to find there something encouraging. — I can understand everything, but for three goddamn days! It wasn’t late, but Felix didn’t attend classes this day because of the interview. That’s why he had to do a great deal of homework which should be known at first. He took his unfinished coffee at the laptop and started working, but he suddenly came up with the idea to find out who he would be about to deal with in the near future. He didn’t blog, but was absolutely sure that he would find the photos and the whole biography of his new colleagues. — This Hwang doesn’t even have the profile picture. He signed up just for the record, — burst into anger Felix, but took himself up sharply. — Why the hell he has got so much honour during the first day? I’ll bring the works and won’t even look in his side, not trying to please. Till the end of the day Felix was solving some accumulated cases and actually forgot to inform his parents about the new achievement. Mother always told him that work made him an another person. There was no trace of a smiling and passionate to life young man. And not much could actually be done with that, if he had serious intentions.