Felix's Tower

      In a lonely tower at the edge of the forest there lived a wizard named Felix. He was gloomy and a shut-in and folks shied away from him.       And no one knew he…       Oh, who am I kidding?       It's so stupid to write about yourself in a third person. I thought I might be able to look at myself from another perspective, but I didn't manage to do it. Yeah, I did not.       No one knew I feared people and was lonely beyond belief at the same time.       One summer day my clawing pain chased me outside. I felt myself so miserable and unwanted that I sat on a bench and teared up. My tears flew endlessly: whimpers and sighs became excruciating moans, but nobody had been noticing me. I couldn't imagine it being otherwise. It was to be expected.       But suddenly I felt someone touching my shoulder. I was so surprised I shivered. Someone unknown stroked my shoulder again. I rubbed my eyes, smearing tears all over my cheeks and raised my head.       A girl looked at me with sympathy in her gaze. I never saw her before… not that I paid attention to people anyway. But why did it matter! Her eyes were so full of pity and compassion, so starry lit up with a wish to help, that I only teared up more.       She stroked my stiff short hair and said softly "What happened? Please do tell! Can I help?"       I couldn't answer. This unexpected kindness impressed me so greatly that flow of my tears became only thicker.       "Are you hungry? You've nobody to cook for you?"       The answer wasn't coming.       The girl carefully tried to help me stand up from a bench. I stood up, giving my best effort to wipe my face with a handkerchief. She firmly placed her hand in the hook of my arm and said: "Where do you live? Lead the way!"       I didn't know what to think, I trembled… but soon enough we were at my tower.       The girl carefully sat me at the table and got busy with the chores casting sympathetic glances at me from time to time. I wiped my eyes and cheeks and held my breath watching her. How gracious she was! However, it didn't matter much, her attention made her unspeakably beautiful to me… I felt as if I could fall for her movements, her green dress, the melody she was humming.       Some time after she set the table using plates found in my cabinets and the dish she made. Smiling she served some food to us and sat across the table, facing me. Last time I shared a meal was at school, but even then I barely drew attention.       "Thanks," I mumbled, confused. What to say? What to do? I didn't know. She gifted me with another smile and nodded at the table.       "Please eat. Or… or is it so terrible you don't want to even try?"       "No-no, don't be offended!"       "Not that I'm offended. To tell the truth, I'm not a good cook."       But she was wrong. Something might've burnt a little, but even this was way beyond my expertise — the taste was purely divine. I looked at the girl across the table with silent admiration in my eyes. Meeting my gaze she chuckled. Had no one looked at her that way before?       "Tell me please: why? To what do I owe your kindness?" I said when she'd started washing dishes without a word.       She frowned touchingly and laughingly and couldn't resist smiling.       "I just decided to help you. Why were you crying?"       I was so impressed by her that I answered.       "Because of loneliness. It was so painful." I placed my hands on my chest to still the beating of my noisy heart and added "But you… you… thank you. I don't know how to show you my gratitude."       "You just did," she said cheerfully. "Do you want me to come tomorrow?"       "You must be very busy… I don't want to distract you from whatever you're doing. But… if you could… if you…"       "I'll come," the girl said firmly. "Cheer up!"       "By the way," she turned her head at halfway to the door. "I'm Anhele. An for short. And you are…?"       "Felix," my wavering voice was heard.       "Well, see you, Felix!"

~

      I couldn't sleep at night: I thought, and thought, and thought, and thought again about what happened. I couldn't wrap my head around it, so strange and surprising it was. The image of this girl — Anhele, An — never left my mind, appearing in my thoughts against my will.

~

      It was two hours past noon, I sat at the table trying to concentrate on my notes. I barely managed to do that: pieces of images flashed before my mind's eye. I hardly understood what I was thinking about at all. In the end formulas started to form patterns, and those waves, rings and curls formed a girl's silhouette.       Disappointed sigh escaped my lips as I was very unsatisfied with myself, but instead of crossing the picture out I placed it to the side.       "Felix!" a female voice exclaimed from somewhere beyond the window. Surprised I overthrew an inkwell, and all of my notes were soaked in blue liquid in mere moments.       My heart beat so hard my ears started ringing. Was it Anhele? Yes, kind of strange to see it as an unpredicted turn of events, given the fact she promised to visit me, but somewhere deep in my heart there had been a firm belief that she wouldn't come. That she would forget, change her mind… They always did that. Those who called themselves my friends and promised me something. And teachers. Of course: I'd forget me too if I could.       I rushed to the window and leaned outside, holding onto the walls to prevent a fall out (the window was a head or two taller than me and was beginning at my waist, so precautions were necessary). There on a lawn before the tower stood a girl in a green dress. I flushed. A happy welcome became a lump in my throat. I smiled like a half-wit, my cheeks were hot, I was confused…       I still waited for her. I thought she wouldn't come, but still hoped in my deeply hidden thoughts she would.       "Hi Felix!" Anhele's voice was heard, when the girl noticed my arrival. "Am I too early?"       To my utter shame and surprise I found out I'd appeared before my guest in a night gown. (Yes, I had trouble falling asleep thus my morning started in an hour past noon.) "Ooooh… Aaaah… no, not at all! Wait a second, I'll be right back!" I rushed to the wardrobe and tried to pull out a clean robe as fast as I could. Blue? Violet? Black? In some unforeseeable manner all of them fell on me. Panic awakened in my mind. Curses! She's waiting!       After pulling out a black one from this avalanche and hastily pushing the others back in I started to change. It was unbelievable, but this simple task took me fifteen minutes, because I did all the things wrong, a simple garment became a maze, and my heart was beating like crazy. What if she left?!       I crossed my fingers and sprinted down the stairs. It's as I was flowing out of the doors when I hit the threshold and landed on grass in a very unlucky way.       "Are you all right?" I heard the voice right above me.       This anxious concerned tone made me forget my pain and bruises. Feeling like a complete idiot I ungracefully stood up and bowed as an ancient rite required from wizards.       Anhele let out a sigh of relief and chuckled.       "Hey-hey… oh, you're bleeding," she added softly and seriously, taking my hands in hers and carefully examining them. Thanks to my nervous habit of rolling up sleeves my lower arms were all bruises. Focused Anhele dug into her neat green bag, pulled out necessities and then washed and bandaged the wounds.       I looked at her with a gaze full of gratefulness. The girl snorted laughingly and helped me to dust off.       "Erm… would you like some tea?" I said, recalling frantically if I had one — that meant one more — teacup in one piece and feeling an unbelievable, making my blood boil mixture of shame, astonishment and shyness at the same time.       "Well, I ate not so long ago…"       "I would be insanely happy if you honor me with a visit to my humble abode," I mumbled afraid. Could it be I made a mistake? No, please, let her stay!       I guess I was funny when I was nervous, because An yet again couldn't resist a big smile.       "But of course."       I sighed relieved, offered my guest a hand, and we went upstairs to my place. Looking over my study I realized to my utter horror that it looked a little untidy, and bringing someone here was very reckless of me. Paper soaked in ink on a worktable, books (for work! All of them opened on a right page!) lying everywhere, my night gown lonely hanging on the chair, and useful trinkets ready to fall from the shelves on the first one who'd come close enough. Anhele hadn't spoken a word about it, though. While I was looking for teacups and brewing some herbs, persuaded her not to help me, the girl decided to talk.       "So you're a wizard, right?"       I almost spilled boiling water over myself.       "How have you found out?"       "You don't think I'm stupid, do you? Your tower, your robe, your bow… At the very least."       So she understood that was a wizard's bow! What luck I didn't face her and she couldn't see my absolutely mad smile.       And then we were drinking my tea, and An complimented it! My tea that teachers were calling slop!       She was so nice, and I didn't even know what to do and was constantly telling something without rhyme or reason. And An… she smiled so cutely and was so attentive that from time to time she brought tears to my eyes. She was momentarily noticing that and asking concerned if anything was wrong, and that touched me even more.       An! What a wonderful world was laid before me in this conversation. Of course, all this time I was tormented by some strange feelings like as I made an utter fool out of myself (which wasn't completely wrong) and as if… as if someone drank all my thoughts and finished the meal with my understanding of what had been happening. But even despite this and nasty unspoken thoughts that the fact she's still here talking to me was strange I was glad.       I didn't want to cry in the rain anymore. I wanted to remember all the interesting things I'd ever known and tell An about them. She laughed! She was surprised! She answered! She discussed! She told something she knew!       I don't remember when I was so flustered and excited last time. The new formula paled in comparison to this dialogue.       An loved books too! She'd even read much of what I had! She also loved flute and adored drawing. We agreed on basics and disagreed on details, but how interesting it was! And it looked like An was no less happy and interested than I was. She stayed for the whole day and yet again cooked us some food.       Having said goodbye to her I gazed after her for a long time, guessing if she would think about all of this or not. My best guess was no. And I doubted she'd ever come back.       Who could've imagined that a talk with a mere human was enough to change the contents of my head in a raw chaos so fast? It's awful. I need rest.

~

      But this night I didn't find the long-awaited peace. Fragments of our phrases were still heard in my head. Fragments of strange feelings were still hovering in me. And before me regardless of whether I opened or closed my eyes sat the girl in a green dress, her thin fingers fidgeting with a crochet napkin.

~

      "You're so beautiful," I said choking up a little. Anhele was alight from inside with her kindness and it seemed exactly that had made her so elegant and graceful.       "Thanks," the girl smiled, her cheeks blushed. "Lix, could we sit down? I'm a little tired."       "Of course," I smiled in my turn.       We chose a bench at the sunny side of the alley and cautiously sat down. Bathed in a shining golden light, the park sparkled, wind gently touched leaves and blew up ribbons on Anhele's dress. This time — scarlet red one.       "A pleasant place." My companion turned to face me. "Me and my friends come here often."       "Friends…? " for whatever reason my heart ached as if icy claws clenched it. Looks like my emotions were reflected on my face, because Anhele looked at me very funny, and her brows flew up in surprise.       "Yes, I do have friends. What's wrong with that?"       "No-no, what are you…" I mumbled, rubbing my finders nervously.       She glanced at me suspiciously one more time, shrugged and sat in silence for quite some time.       "It's fine, please, continue," I said, carefully touching her hand.       And she continued.       I tried to restrain myself and I think I succeeded, but her mentioning her friends were like stings of a whip to me.       There was a glint of that confused look she gave me earlier that day, when we were parting and I kissed her fingers and asked softly "You won't forget we are meeting tomorrow, will you?"       "Have I forgotten even once?"       "N-no, but…"       Anhele raised a brow questioningly, and I hurried to finish the sentence trying not to offend her.       "No, nothing, sorry. It's just those people I had to deal with had always forgotten their promises."       "But I'm not them, right?!" Anhele responded a little angrily.       "Right," I nodded meekly, but as she was going away Anhele didn't erase slight signs of offence from her face.

~

      It felt as if I got used to thoughts about Anhele, and their existence itself didn't make me sink into confusion anymore, but now I was swallowed by anxiety. This pain I felt every time she'd mentioned her friends… What caused it?

~

      "You're so beautiful…"       "Please, stop it," Anhele brushed my compliment aside, slightly irritated.       "What?" My eyes widened. I didn't expect this turn of events. Rejected admiration clawed at my heart. My mood became sour at once. I pursed my lips, but resisted the urge to push the girl away from me, even though for a second I wanted to: just for her to see the effect her words had on me. We slowly walked arm-in-arm along the shadowy park alley. Silence fell upon us as a heavy cloud. I was silently confused. Anhele was silently angry. Fever was burning me from the inside, I wanted to throw these words in her face, these words which hurt my feelings so much. Could it be she thinks I enjoyed empty flatter? Wizards know the true value of words and everything I said I said wholeheartedly. To disregard that easily… Ah, yes, I've forgotten, she has a flock of admirers. She must've heard that line too many times and now it bores her so much!       When I felt that my fever had died down a little and wanted to start a conversation on some neutral topic, a strange company consisted of two young men and one girl had run to Anhele smiling. Young men were wearing light-colored summer coats, and the girl — a blue dress with ruffles. As far as I understood, two of them — the blond ones — were brother and sister. The dark-haired young man cast a glance at me and smiled politely.       "Hi Helly!" the blonde girl exclaimed excitedly.       "Hi An!" "Hi Anhy," her companions followed.       "Hi!" An broke into a smile the same very moment. She freed her hand and introduced us to each other.       "Felix, this is Belzet, this is Winry, this is Denise. Belzet, Winry, Denise, this is Felix."       Denise looked at me with interest and nodded, Belzet and Winry slurringly mumbled "Nice meeting you."       For a time, every second of each felt like nails scratching a blackboard, Anhele was talking to these interlopers. What strange characters they turned out to be! I'll tell even more: I found them rather unlikable, but An, on the other hand, doted on them. Their witless and vulgar talk made me sick, but An laughed. Clenching my teeth I waited, and the moment finally came: still laughing and talking to one another the group said goodbye to their friend (and — strangely enough — to me) and left us.       Happily shining eyes of my companion dimmed immediately when she met my gaze. It seems that with my mouth wry I looked darker than a stormy sky.       "What? What happened?" An exclaimed surprised.       I wanted to answer "nothing", but couldn't hold back. After all, I doubt she'd be satisfied with an answer like that.       "So these are your friends?"       "Yes," the girl answered confused. She doesn't even understand!       "They're awful. They don't deserve you."       "Whaaat?!" Anhele's face distorted in a mixture of anger and confusion. For a moment I thought she'd hit me, but she just clenched her fists and shrugged. How could she even mingle with those characters?       "Yes. They don't deserve you."       "You know what? Let me decide that," she said, slightly choking on words.       "Not one of them mentioned how amazing you are. They just don't notice that. They don't deserve you…"       "Shut up. Stop it," she cut me off. I never saw her this angry before. She didn't shout, but rage seethed from her every feature. My heart started beating so fast as if it could leave the ribcage and fall to her feet. What did I do to fall from her grace?       "An, you don't understand…"       "Oh, of course. After all, I'm very stupid." She smiled with a dangerous smile, and irony in her tone frightened me.       "No, you're not stupid, it's just…"       "It's just I don't know how to choose friends," the girl finished my phrase mockingly. My heart was aflutter, and I had to place a hand on my chest. "Did it ever occur to you that I can choose myself who I hang out with?"       I was scared by her reaction and confused by her irony and mocking smile, but couldn't help but notice that this image of hers was somehow charming in its own way.       "Don't be angry at me An, please," I said softly. "Come tomorrow." But when I tried to kiss her hand, Anhele pulled it out of my fingers, made a few steps back and uttered "The nerve!"       "Anhele, I'm begging you… don't be mad at me. I need to see you so much…"       "We'll see… But all of this is very strange, Felix."

~

      All the night relentless thoughts were tormenting me. An doesn't love me, she does not… she has her wonderful friends, there is no place in her heart for a strange wizard. Why have me if she has them...? She doesn't need me, she won't be upset if something happens to me. How horrible! Because I have to admit I can't live without her… What an excruciating conflict! What a fire burns me from the inside! What should I do? Eaten from the inside by fever, wringing my fingers in a nervous fit, I cried from love and powerlessness, from An's cruelty and from hatred, directed towards those who stole her heart from me.       And still I'm a wizard. And wizards are dangerous.

~

      My arms — a thousand times scratched, rolled up sleeves — pulled, my collar bone — stroked nervously: I waited for her.       This time everything will be as I desire.       And she came. How kind of her to visit Felix the wizard who apparently can't do anything. Ha-ha.       "Felix!" I looked out of the window immediately. It was An. She wore a green dress. Sweet An, my sweet An…       I was burning from the inside as if I were obsessed. Oh, Ah…       "Come in, An, it's not locked!"       She nodded and left my sight.       If I left the tower now, I could've broke the thin threads of a spell. No, it shouldn't happen.       I heard the sound reminding of a clink of glass. The threads tied, and the doors were closed.       Now Anhele, my sweet Anhele will stay with me forever. My sweet green-eyed Anhele…       The same moment I heard Anhele's, my sweet Anhele's livid yell. Together forever! It seems she felt the magic barrier.       A few seconds later she appeared in my study. Poor An, nearly breathless.       Felix, what was that?" she blurted out.       "That? A magic barrier, my sweet," I answered, turning to face her.       Oh, what scared her so much? She widened her eyes, took a few steps back and her back met the wall.       "Felix… What… what happened to you?" my sweet asked with her voice strangled. What did she see?       "It's all right, my sweet," I smiled. "From now on we will be together forever. You won't leave this place."       When she heard these words, her anger got the better of her fear, she walked up to me, crossed her hands and blurted out "Let me go."       Why does she want to leave so fast?       "Let me go."       "We'll have fun together, believe me!"       "Let me go, Felix. What's wrong with you?"       "What are you talking about, Anhele?" My smile widened. "Oh, you're so sweet when you're angry!"       "Oh really?" An, my sweet An muttered through gritted teeth. And then I received a slap to the face, and she rushed downstairs, clicking her heels loudly.       And then I saw my reflection in the mirror.       Insane burning eyes! Is it me? What happened to me?       I touched my burning cheek. No… no… there is no power in the world to make her love me, even a little. She doesn't need me, not at all. What a fool I am. What insanity overcame me? I could hope for a chance to see her — even if on rare occasions — admire her… And now everything is lost. I spoiled it myself.       I sat at the table and dropped my head on my hands. Ink on my notes for whatever reason started to blur. Oh, I got it. It was because of my tears. No matter how hard I tried not to tear up, I did, and in a minute I already cried: foolishly, desperately and hopelessly. What have I done…       Suddenly I felt someone touching my hair.       "Felix? What's happening?" I heard Anhele's confused voice.       "I'm… sorry…" I got the words out of my mouth. "An… he… le… I'm sorry! I'll let you go." I choked on my crying, and all the words drowned in it.       I felt Anele ruffling my hair. She used to love doing it.       "P… Please don't… It makes… everything worse… You're… so nice… and I… I love you so much… But… I understand… You have friends… Leave me alone… please!" Every word was extremely hard to say.       "I love you too." Anhele uttered. "And I love my friends. You won't believe it, Lix, but I can love more than one person very much."       "But how… is it…"       "Have I ever lied to you?"       "N-no…"       "Then what's the matter?"       "Please, forgive me," I said, my voice breaking. "I never knew things could be like this. You won't leave me, will you?"       "Why would you think that?"       "An… hele… You're so nice! I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," I whispered, holding her hand and pressing my lips to her fingers.       "You're… nice too. But I think we have a lot to discuss."       Everything will fall into place. I raised my eyes, still wet from tears, to meet Anhele's gaze — almost the same as the one she gave me when we'd met. Her eyes were starry lit up, and I knew she'd told me the truth. I snapped my fingers and tore the threads.       "And then… why didn't you like when I'd called you beautiful?"       An stroked my hair again and sat in a chair nearby.       "Well, I was in a bad mood, I'm sorry about that. And I felt ashamed that you'd been overpraising me… Oh! What are these red stripes on your arms?!"       An dug into her bag and became treating my bleeding scratches. We do have a lot to discuss. But it will worth it.