Acid Rain

July 9th, Year 1, three months after the expedition began, I canceled the standard protocols. I am extending my watch until we arrive at N-1597. In the event of my death, the engineering team will be thawed according to emergency procedure. I don’t possess the unique knowledge necessary for colonising the planet and I have no moral right to its future. When I climbed out of my bomber’s cockpit, I felt only blinding rage and the emptiness behind it. No sense of triumph, no sense of accomplished revenge, not even basic relief. General Wilkes greeted me personally. His face beamed with pride, he was saying something about a decisive contribution, a brilliant victory, and peace all over the world. I doubt I can recall his words accurately. I hit him with all my might. There was a crunch, and blood flowed from his nose. I took my bag from the barracks, got on the nearest gravicycle, and sped away from the base. I don’t think I intended to stop at all. I probably already understood that it was the end, but that day, going AWOL saved my life. Everything around was flooded with blinding light, and I, losing control, rolled into a ditch. In the few hours I was unconscious, the landscape changed beyond recognition. Where the base once stood, there was now a molten crater. It was impossible to tell where the general’s remains were and where the paper basket's. Later we learned that almost the entire population of Earth perished that day. There was no one left to fight. Those who are now on the ship were saved by an incredible coincidence. It was already ready, and the destination was determined. The pitiful remnants of humanity wouldn’t have had the resources to finish building it. Carefully selected volunteers were trained in special camps. Well, we significantly lowered the requirements when recruiting the new team. I dropped the first bomb on Cape Town. Yes, of course, I had orders. But I wanted to press that button, and I did it. They took everything from me, and I wanted revenge. Officially, of course, it was a retaliatory action for the destruction of our entire coastline with an artificially induced tsunami. Now, I have doubts about the man-made nature of that disaster. The planet’s climate was rapidly changing due to global warming. Governments only increased paranoia year by year. Negotiations regarding the limitation of gravity weapon development hit a dead end. Politicians said that since we have prototypes of gravibombs, They certainly wouldn’t hesitate to conduct tests on our children. They say that in the event of a natural disaster, all countries of the world used to send rescue teams, volunteers, and humanitarian aid to the affected area. Now, only new accusations are hurled at anyone at international assemblies. I dropped the first bomb on Cape Town. At first, I tried to convince myself that it wasn’t my fault. That anyone could have been sent in my place. That I was just following orders, and their system was automatic anyway. Dead hand defense. But it was I who pressed the button. I started this. I volunteered. Back then, I wanted nothing but to wipe their cities off the face of this planet. A dazzlingly bright explosion and fragments of fuselage flying past — this image seared my eyelids at night, and during the day it only dimmed slightly, allowing the surrounding world to shine through itself. They took from me the last person dear to me. I dropped the first bomb on Cape Town. What were they doing at that moment? We took off just before dawn. Many were probably still asleep. The kids were getting ready for school. And the dreams didn’t change much. I still saw how Jimmy’s plane disintegrated into small fragments. But now, also — how a bomb the size of a soccer ball crushed a city of ten million into a shapeless mass of buildings, cars, and people. I can’t fall asleep anymore. Then I pour coffee into his silly mug and go outside. Actually, I made that mug when we were still kids. I painted it with sheep at some school club and gave it to Jimmy, saying he was stubborn as a ram. Sorry, Jimmy, I let everyone down…