Lovers who Uncover

“Sing to me I don't want to wake up on my own anymore Don't feel bad for me I want you to know Deep in the cell of my heart I really want to go There is another world There is a better world Well… there must be…” The Smiths - Asleep Surely, we all have had one of these moments during our life when we have looked up at the ceiling or the sky and thought: “Yes, this is perfect”, when the entire universe seemed to be on our side to let us know for at least ten minutes of our existence what happiness was. Ten minutes that we are going to remember until we’re eighty years old, still able to recall them, to feel them with absolute clarity. A precious instant of pure perfection at the right place and time and with the right person by our side. That epic and perfect moment was what Antonio was having right now, amidst a comforting silence, a purplish daybreak that made the sky become brighter and brighter, and the smell of tobacco, while he was leaning against the retaining fence of a lookout point a few meters apart from the road and with Lovino beside him. The two of them were watching the sunrise and how the tiny city lights turned off one after the other like fallen stars that kept dying while the sun took possession of the firmament. It was the end of autumn, and the wind was cold, blowing inside their sleeves and making them shiver despite their warm clothes and feel the cool air currents caress their necks from time to time. The breeze was so light, it barely moved their hair, as they were listening to the passing cars not very far away and contemplating the extension of the city they would soon leave behind. The tobacco smell tickled Antonio’s nose like a familiar aroma that made him feel nostalgic. Lovino was sitting on the fence with a cigarette in his mouth and letting his chocolate-brown eyes wander over the horizon. There was a distant hint of sadness in his gaze. Antonio looked at Lovino without saying a word, admiring the latter’s absent expression while holding that cigarette between his lips, with his curl swaying in the playful wind, as the now blueish sky and the rays of the rising sun reflected themselves in his dark eyes that became more and more melancholic. It was so romantic that Antonio knew; that was his perfect instant, the one he would treasure in his memory forever. He took a mental photo of that calm and sad Lovino before speaking. “Are you going to miss that place?” Antonio asked, taking a deep breath and watching the last star in the sky getting devoured by the light. “No,” was everything Lovino replied and quickly closed his eyes before throwing away the cigarette stub and jumping from the fence. “Let’s go.” He headed to the car they had left parking nearby, without looking back. And now it’s time to go a bit back in time in order to understand that scene, a scene of two guys saying goodbye to the city where they had been born and grown up. Let’s see what had forced them to take such a decision. Everything had started the day before. Antonio and Lovino were returning from one of their “special” trips, with other words: another robbery in the middle of the street. As the days went by, the two of them had begun to lose their qualms as the line between right and wrong started to become blurry and almost faded away, with them convincing themselves that they were not stealing out of malice and neither because they enjoyed hurting others. No, they were only doing this because their situation didn’t leave them any other choice, and besides it wasn’t that bad, since they didn’t really hurt the ones they assaulted. Surely, these people were wealthy and had a lot more money at home, hence losing one working day’s pay wouldn’t lead to their ruin. Antonio and Lovino weren’t the ones to blame here, the circumstances were. Counting the banknotes, they left the metro station and walked to Feliks’ home, whom they were visiting every day now. Lovino didn’t really care about that, since no one was claiming his presence anyway and Feliks himself didn’t mind their visits. And Antonio had learned to evade his parents, just ignoring their scoldings and leaving the house when they were getting too annoying, only returning the next day when it was really necessary to show himself at his home. Another fact that helped them keep up their constant visits, was that they hadn’t seen Ivan at Feliks’ house for various days now. There was a rumor that the Russian had an unpleasant encounter with a local gang that included bullets and a few deaths, thus making Ivan keep a low profile until the police would stop making rounds through the neighborhood and things would calm down. Seeing themselves free from the presence of the mafioso they had never liked in the first place, Lovino and Antonio allowed themselves the luxury of spending more time at that apartment they considered a drug paradise. Sometimes, they even slept there (when Feliks didn’t have any client to attend to). "Feliks should give us a discount for being such regular customers, with gift coupons and everything," Antonio joked, looking at the rolled-up banknotes with a rubber band around them that Lovino was carrying. "That guy's a fucking cheapskate, he'd rather have his brains blown out than reduce his prices even a tiny bit, and well... I kinda understand him, if I had that crazy Russian as a boss, I wouldn't want to owe him money, either," Lovino commented, calmly walking upstairs. "Is he really a member of the mafia? He's smiling so much." "You're the one to talk. Sure he is, and according to Feliks, he's a dangerous one. I think he's smiling so much because he knows that no one can just fuck him over without ending up with their body full of lead and then swimming upside down in a sewage system," the Italian explained, shuddering from the mere thought. Antonio decided to stay silent, until they reached the apartment. Contrary to the other times when Lovino almost knocked down the door as soon as he caught sight of it, on this occasion, the two of them stopped in their tracks, as though an invisible force was keeping them from making even one more step. "What's the matter?" Antonio inquired, seeing that Lovino's hand froze mid-air. "Nothing... I just had a bad feeling," the other answered and shook his head, as that odd feeling became even stronger. But he still ended up knocking on the door, as always. For some strange reason, there wasn't the usual noise Feliks always made when he went to open the door. In fact, it was quite silent, until the doorknob was finally turned, and the door opened a crack, revealing a pair of violet eyes. The door chain wasn't removed... Ivan was the one opening the door, and for the first time, Antonio and Lovino didn't see a smile on his face. Instead, his eyes looked more threatening and cold than ever, and a strong alcoholic smell hit their noses as soon as the Russian opened his mouth. "Ah... it's you... What do you want?" he asked, forgetting the polite tone he always used with them. The two guys exchanged gazes. "Well, we came to see Feliks," Lovino said, and Ivan's gaze seemed to darken even more. "He's not there," he replied in a sharp tone. “Do you know when he’ll come home?” This time, it was Antonio who asked, to which Ivan put on the strangest smile they had ever seen. He stared them in the eyes. “Never… He’s dead,” he answered with a bitter laugh. "What?" Lovino asked, having lost his breath upon hearing that and trying to catch it somehow. Ivan finally removed the chain and opened the door completely. "I said he's dead... What did you expect? That guy was putting so much meth into himself it could have killed a horse..." he replied, stopping to hide his Russian accent, and let the two of them into the now fully empty apartment. "That must mean that..." Antonio began. "Yes, an overdose. That's what killed him," Ivan confirmed, raising the bottle of vodka he was holding in his hand and taking a big sip as if it were water. These words were like a slap in the face for Lovino and Antonio and made them fall right into reality, spitting the truth into their faces: the truth that drugs could kill. "Ho... How do you know...?" Lovino inquired, barely able to breathe. Speaking by itself had already been an achievement. "I found him myself, right there... right there he was, that goddamn moron." They didn't know how to interpret Ivan's tone. He sounded really angry. And he was angry. Without wanting to, Ivan recalled how he had arrived in the morning after his long absence. After having met a few colleagues, he had come to see Feliks. There was something that had been bothering him during the previous days, and that was the way Feliks had seen him off the last time. Saying "goodbye" instead of "see you later" or just showing him one of his feminine gestures. Maybe Ivan had just given it too much thought, but "goodbye" was not a word you would say that casually. He remembered the exact number of stairs he had climbed up, the amount of times he had knocked on the door without any answer, the way he had found the spare keys Feliks always kept under the flower pot at the end of the hallway. And also the sound of the door as it opened and having found Feliks lying on the couch on his stomach with his hair sprawled out and covering a big part of his face, his arm hanging from the couch and the syringe, the spoon and the lighter together with various little bags of crystal on the floor. "Feliks," he had started calling him while turning on the light, and the first thing he noticed was the other's skin color. Ivan had cursed at the sight of the grayish color Feliks' arm had, that wasn't like the usual pale one. Then he had run up to him and turned him onto his back. His lips were almost purple. Ivan had called his name louder and louder, slapped him into the face, and moved his ear to his mouth. But Feliks wasn't breathing, and neither was his heart beating. He had placed him on the floor, trying to revive him. But no, he was only deceiving himself... the other was already as cold as ice. The only thing he didn't remember clearly was how much time he had spent trying to revive him... after how much time he had finally given up and let Feliks chest alone, just staying on the floor, covering his face with both hands and pronouncing every Russian curse word that came to his mind. Having managed to calm down, he then uncovered his face. "You weren't supposed to end up like that... you cheated," was the only thing he had said while getting up. He had called his men instead of an ambulance, since Feliks' place held more drugs than an average drug-addict could consume, and it would be bad if he was associated with the incident concerning the gangs and the mafia. Thus, his people arrived faster than expected and started to clean up everything. In the meantime, Ivan was just standing there and casting the one or another glance at Feliks' body, who looked as if he was just sound asleep with the bruises on his arm standing out more than ever on his already colorless skin. And when Ivan was told that the body was ready to be taken away, he made a humane gesture for the first time ever by asking them to leave him for a moment. He walked around the body, looking at the dead Feliks with an undecipherable expression on his face, and then squatted next to him, softening his gaze. "You walked ahead and managed to mock me once again... not letting me win our game, huh? The only one destroying you was yourself, while I was nothing but a source of entertainment. You made me believe as if I were the one controlling you, but in reality, it was always the other way round," he said, running his hands over Feliks' golden hair. "You were a great player, Feliks, the best one I have ever known." Now, his fingers moved over the other’s purple lips, before Ivan got up and left the apartment, giving the order to take away the body. "I wonder if he really was that lonely," Ivan said out of the blue, taking another long sip and making Lovino and Antonio shot him slightly doubtful looks. "Feliks was terrified of being alone. Why do you guys think he consumed so many drugs?... Poor idiot... to lose his life just because of these stupid complexes of his. Oh well, but it's not as if it really mattered to me." Ivan laughed again and walked to the also empty bedroom where he used to spend afternoons and nights with Feliks. That was what he said, but the almost empty bottle, his swaying, his slurring and the lack of sincerity in his words belied everything. Antonio stopped and took a deep breath, feeling something similar to sadness settle itself upon him, trying to absorb what he had just heard... Feliks was dead... he had disappeared from the face of the earth, and that death had been caused by the same stuff he and Lovino were consuming as well. Thereupon, everything became a bit darker, the bright colors and fleeting traces of life turned gray and transformed into tints of death... One day, you inject it into your body and have fun... and the next day, you never return from your trip. But then Antonio started to hear some murmurs and turned towards Lovino, who was crossing himself and joined his hands, praying quietly. The Spaniard was taken aback to see Lovino do something as humble as that, however, maybe even more by the fact that the other was praying in the first place, since he had always thought that Lovino was an atheist, for the latter never mentioned neither God nor religion at all and sometimes seemed to resent life and the world. But Antonio still decided to not comment on that and joined Lovino's prayer for Feliks, so the latter could rest in peace. "Let's go," Lovino said, still having trouble speaking. Antonio merely nodded and stepped out, but when he turned around, he noticed that Lovino still hadn't moved from his spot and decided to give him some time alone while waiting for him in the hallway. Lovino, in the meantime, had spotted a peculiar metallic shine in a corner of the small living room, got closer and found a gun that surely belonged to Ivan. He had seen it a couple of times at the Russian's hip, and now it was lying there, abandoned. The Italian looked around, making sure that Ivan was still drinking in the other room and then took the gun without thinking twice, hiding it inside his clothes. He had to admit that it was rather repulsive to feel a gun's metal against his skin and besides, the weapon was heavier than it looked like in the movies. With that thing, you could just take other people's lives if you so wanted, and he had picked it up right after having heard of someone's death... he didn't know why, he just did it. Perhaps, it had been something like a reflex of his body. Having a gun with him, something that allowed him to decide over other’s lives, gave him a fake sense of control over his own life, that he could keep taking drugs and not die from it, that he had complete control over his destiny and something to end his own existence with if he so wished. Unlike Feliks, the drugs wouldn't take anything from him. Without him saying a word to Antonio, the two of them then left, for the very first time, their bodies weren't begging for drugs, they didn't feel any need to consume them and just headed to the park where they used to talk. This time in order to think. "I'm sorry," Antonio said, sitting next to Lovino, who had his feet on the ramshackle bench. Both of their gazes were directed at the scenery. "For what?" the Italian inquired. His voice was hoarse, and he bit his nails from time to time. "You knew Feliks for a longer time than me and even though you never mentioned it, I knew he was your friend... for that..." Antonio commented, not being sure how to behave in a situation like that, especially with Lovino being so calm. "I think that it's better like that for Feliks," Lovino suddenly said, completely baffling Antonio, who shot him a shocked gaze. "Don't get me wrong, what happened to him doesn't make me happy... it's just that... one time, in the rehabilitation center, he seemed to hint at something like that." And thus, Lovino told Antonio a brief anecdote: It had been one of these group therapy sessions both Lovino and Feliks absolutely detested, but used as a chance to have fun by mocking the other patients and making the doctor furious. That one afternoon had been no exception, either, and they were all sitting in that ridiculous circle and listening to some newcomer's pathetic story. There was an eternal gray tobacco cloud floating over the therapy room, since the patients were smoking a lot in order to try to control their anxiety, and the two friends were helping them let that cloud grow even bigger while they were dedicating mean comments to the man who was telling his story about how he had hit rock bottom. "For goodness sake, man, you'll never get your family back, not even in a hundred years. If you were my dad, I'd never want to see your disgusting face ever again, after having watched you spend my entire childhood inhaling cocaine like a vacuum cleaner. Stop crying and just accept that you'll rot by yourself forever and die alone with your addiction," Lovino spat, fed up with these eternal laments, while Feliks was sitting next to him with crossed legs and laughing cruelly. "If you are so wise, Lovino, then why are you here as well?" asked the doctor in charge, massaging his temples and trying to stay calm. "Because my parents brought me here. Isn't it written in your report? I'm nothing but a naive boy who wanted to experiment a bit and was caught at the wrong time, please don't put me on the same level as these sickos here," Lovino replied, looking over his shoulder at the others. "And what was it that made you want to experiment?" the doctor kept asking and arranged his glasses. "Doc, like, better tell us what type of drama you had to go through in order to end up trying to help a bunch of drug-addicts get back on track, because the pay's really pathetic. I'm sure you have the one or another trauma hidden somewhere, too," Feliks interrupted him, exhaling the smoke through his nose. The doctor crossed his arms and frowned even more. "I would rather like to hear your story, Feliks, it's probably more interesting than mine, anyway. Tell us what happened to you," he said, trying to hold back any sarcasm. Lovino and Feliks let out a bored laugh, however, to the surprise of a few of the people present, Feliks then turned serious. He took his time taking another drag from his cigarette, brazenly threw the ashes to the ground, and exhaled the smoke slowly through his mouth before he spoke. "Life, doc... that's what happened to me... fucking life," he said while his eyes lost their playfulness and became more honest and the feminine tone disappeared from his voice. That was the first and only time Lovino had seen the real Feliks, the sober one. It was somehow odd that life, the very thing Antonio and Lovino were so desperately seeking, was others' doom, something they rejected and something that was, paradoxically... killing them.  "I hope you're right... that it's better like that for Feliks," Antonio commented after having heard the story that had made him even sadder... "What are we going to do now, Lovi?" he asked anxiously. He wouldn't be able to go near that apartment complex again and see Ivan. Suddenly, everything seemed more real than he would have liked it to be, he felt haunted by an irrefutable truth he perhaps didn't want to face at all.  "Get the hell out of here," Lovino replied, and the Spaniard looked at him without really getting what he was talking about. "Let's go, Antonio, let's leave that place behind," the Italian explained, taking his feet from the bench and shifting closer to the other. "But where to?" "Doesn't matter, just far away. Don't you feel it, too, Antonio? Don't you feel... suffocated?" He looked Antonio directly into the eyes, and yes... after all these news, after everything that had happened just now, the latter did feel as if it was hard to breathe, as if reality was catching up to them. In the end, Antonio nodded and ran his hand over Lovino's neck, pulling him closer. "I do, and if you say that it's better for us to leave, then let's do it..." "Tonight, then. I don't want to stay here any longer," Lovino decided, and there was silence again. They would flee, as if leaving that city behind would also free them of the truth. For now, they could continue escaping, but one day, all these things they were running from would catch up to them for sure. That same afternoon, they prepared everything for their departure, deciding to meet in that very park as soon as night would fall. Until then, each of them went his separate way. Antonio headed straight home, but before entering, he just contemplated it for a long time. Every corner of that house held a memory from his childhood and teenage years, he could almost see himself being small and playing catch and pretending to be pirates with Francis, later sneaking in at night with the Frenchman and Gilbert, eating dinner with his parents, memories of an entire life. He finally stepped inside, glad that his parents weren't home, because it would have been too hard to say goodbye to their faces, hence he just went to his room and filled himself up with old memories for the last time. After that, he left his nostalgia behind, prepared a light luggage and wrote a note to his parents and even to his friends. Antonio felt like a fifteen-year-old running from home. He had always thought that the day he would leave that house would be after his graduation from university in order to start leading a proper life of his own, but it ended up being the total opposite: he was leaving everything behind for the sake of one single person with whom he shared nothing but love, and come to think of it, he found that it was a quite romantic idea, even though he knew his parents and friends would never agree with him. His note turned into a five page letter where he thanked everyone and asked for their forgiveness, but also promised them that he would be fine and happy... finally happy for real. Then he took his letter and his luggage, placed the former on the kitchen table for his mother to see after her arrival, cast a last gaze at his house, left behind his keys and abandoned it. And Lovino, for his part, only had one object and one single person to say goodbye to. First, he headed to his grandpa's burned apartment, and was, just like Antonio, flooded with memories as soon as he took a step inside. He knew it would be the last time. He went to the window and opened the curtains, noticing the other buildings nearby, and upon turning around, he could see clearly how that apartment had looked like before the fire, the image of his grandpa playing with him and Feliciano, the gentle smile of that old fart who had never even tried to hide his preference for Feliciano, which would later earn him Lovino's resentment. But when they still had been small, nothing of that had existed yet, he had still loved him and played with him and his twin... these were the times when the word pain hadn't possessed a meaning yet. Lovino took a deep breath and headed to the frame that, once upon a time, still had a door that would always welcome him. "Nonno, addio," he quietly said his goodbyes and left the building, intending to go see the person who had provoked so many different feelings inside him during so many years. The one he hated, but also loved, the one he was jealous, but also proud of... his other half. Lovino headed to the school his brother was attending. It was still too early for classes to end or at least he thought so, so he waited for him in a corner, feeling a strange nervousness, because he had no clue what he should tell Feliciano and neither why he had come here at all to say goodbye to him, since the other was the reason he had been kicked out in the first place. He obviously wasn't going to say goodbye to his parents, fuck no, but still felt an odd urge to say it to Feliciano... perhaps he did really love him, after all, despite all the grudges and complexes he was holding, and not only because they were brothers. He loved him, because, deep down he knew that his stupid little brother was the only one who still believed in him. And also the only one who had tried to save him until the very last moment. While being immersed in thought, he heard a few students leave the school, chatting, and came closer, spotting his brother. "Feliciano," he called, and the other turned around on the spot. The younger one's eyes quickly filled up with tears as soon as he saw his brother. A crybaby, as always. "Brother!" Feliciano exclaimed, running up to the older one, who grabbed him by the wrist in order to pull him into an empty corner. "Brother, where have you been? I've been looking for you like crazy, but couldn't find you anywhere! I want you to return home and..." But before he could finish his sentence, Lovino interrupted him by kissing him on one cheek, then on the other, and finally gave him a big hug. "Bro...ther... What's going on?" Feliciano had a bad feeling about this. His brother didn't say a word. Feliciano hugged him back, and his tears started to flow. He didn't need any words in order to understand what Lovino was doing. "Are you planning to leave?" he asked, feeling the older one nod. "And never come back... right?" Feliciano hugged his twin even tighter, in an attempt to hold him back. "Don't you stop being the good half, Feli," Lovino finally said and let go, but Feliciano seized him by the hand. "I'm not as good as you think... if I were, you would be living at home now," he replied, his face full of tears. "Lovino... promise me that nothing bad will happen to you... don't leave me incomplete." And with these words, he slowly let go of Lovino's hand. Lovino didn't add anything else. He merely turned his back to his silly little brother and listened to the latter's cries for the very last time. For a moment, he had the feeling as if they were ripping his flesh apart and his body in half, together with his bones and whatever remained from his heart. One part of him would stay with Feliciano, and Lovino himself would take a part of his twin with him. Night finally fell and, just as planned, the two guys met in the park in order to start their new adventure. "So... let's take the bus or something like that," Antonio said, looking at the few people walking through the park, and left alongside Lovino, who seemed to know exactly where they were heading to. "You know how to drive?" the Italian inquired. "Eh... yeah, but we don't have a car," the Spaniard replied, accelerating his step a bit, because Lovino was walking ahead. "That's right. Yet." Lovino crossed the street with Antonio running behind him. The Italian ran up to an elderly man standing next to his car and opening its door. But as soon as he sat down, Lovino stopped next to him. Antonio caught up as well, noticing the absolutely not discreet gun that Lovino had suddenly pulled out from under his clothes, threatening the man with it, who paled and looked as if he would suffer a cardiac arrest any moment now. "Get out if you don't want a bullet in your head," Lovino commanded. The man barely reacted, so the Italian pulled him out himself and almost tossed him to the ground. Then he grabbed Antonio, tugging at him as well, but into the car and finally sat down himself in the back. "Start the engine, you idiot!" he yelled at Antonio, who seemed confused, but still did as told thanks to the adrenaline, pushing down the accelerator pedal with his foot, and while Lovino was still closing the door, they drove off at full speed, with screeching tires and leaving marks on the pavement. "Damn it, Lovino! Where did you get that thing from?!" Antonio was about to have a panic attack, holding the steering wheel with both hands and still pushing down the accelerator while Lovino was trying to sit properly during the violent turns the Spaniard did at every corner. "I took it from Ivan," Lovino replied, cursing while trying to get to the front passenger seat. "From Ivan?! The mafioso who will bury us alive with concrete if he should ever find out?!" the Spaniard almost screamed. Lovino finally managed to sit down next to him. "Yeah... that Ivan," he confirmed with a brief smile. "That's nothing to smile about, Lovino!" "But you're smiling too, you idiot," Lovino objected, seeing that Antonio was also infected a bit by the fact how something as serious as that could seem so absurd during such a moment. In the end, everything looked so surreal to them that they broke out laughing. It was like straight out of a movie: two fugitives, who had just stolen a car and the favorite gun of a Russian mafia boss, were driving far away who-knew-where with money they had stolen as well. They kept laughing for a while until calming down... that was the first time they were laughing that day. "Keep driving till the highway, don't stop," Lovino said then when they were able to go slower. It was an old car, the man, however, would probably go to the police soon and the latter would start searching for them in a few hours. But they weren't afraid of that and just continued to drive. They spent the entire night driving and looking at the city's sceneries that were changing the closer they were getting to the highway. Having finally reached it, both guys felt truly free, the chains had disappeared, the shackles broken, and there was nothing but just the two of them and the broad road that would take them wherever they wanted. And this is what takes us back to the scene at the beginning. Antonio and Lovino had decided to make a brief stop just to take a little break before continuing their voyage, feeling attracted by the sunrise. It was their welcome of a new, better life, far away from the people they knew, from painful memories, from bitter experiences... from a tiny world they had always wanted to destroy, and now they were leaving it behind in shatters, exhausted from trying to break it for good... it didn't matter anymore, they were moving to a better place now. However, what they were seeing as the beginning of a path that was finally something good, in reality, they were heading straight to the bottom of the abyss.