Lovers who Uncover

... Because you're dead already! No one cares if you die, because you're dead already. Your heart is cold. That's why you keep coming back here. You're not free. You need this place, you need it to feel alive. It's pathetic.” Girl Interrupted    Sometimes, there are days when everything starts well, normal days that don't differ much from the usual routine and seem like any other day until one moment in particular, one minute, one slip-up changes everything, makes things go down the drain. Days when it seems as if the same breeze that makes the trees sway, also shakes up people's fates. Days when a mere instant makes everything collapse. And for Lovino Vargas, today was one of these days. He was walking home after having been with Antonio, who had ended up being dragged away by that annoying French friend of his, or at least, annoying in Lovino’s opinion, since the latter looked at him with nothing more than disapproval. Though, that attitude had actually been mutual. So he went back home without a lot of enthusiasm, trying to walk as slowly as he could, but eventually still inevitably arrived. A hint of irritation presented itself on his face upon seeing the entrance, opening the door, and entering, still with the same listlessness. Like usual, he saw his mother in the kitchen preparing something, while his father was reading the newspaper in the living room. There was no trace of Feliciano. "Where's Feli?" Lovino asked, trying to sound casual without even greeting his parents. His mother stuck her head out of the kitchen, since his father didn't answer. "I think he's still at school, but he should come home soon," she said, while Lovino went upstairs, ignoring the last part and heading to his room in order to stay there until nightfall and the arrival of the time to meet Antonio again. He locked the door and threw himself on the bed, letting out an exhausted sigh. Turning over on his back and looking at the ceiling, he took a cigarette out of his pocket. Then he opened the window and lit said cigarette, smoking for a while. But that managed to distract him only for a few short minutes, during which the tobacco smell entered his nose together with that of the food his mother was cooking. A cold wind blew inside, refreshing the heated atmosphere in the room that would have been perceived as warm, homely, and comforting by others... but not by Lovino, who almost suffocated from it. Hence, he stretched his head out of the window and watched his cigarette burn down and turn into a worm made out of ashes. Looking up, he noticed that the sky had started getting cloudy or at least seemed to, since it was always gray for him anyway, like a monochrome photograph, and now becoming almost black. He took a last drag from his cigarette and threw it down into the yard, in the hope that it would reach the leaves and make them catch fire, burning down the house and everyone who lived there. That the fire's incandescent tongues would swallow everything up. But that didn't happen. Lovino kept watching out for at least a little spark, but since he didn't see anything, he let out a very long sigh and stood up from the bed. These mere twenty minutes had been enough to make him feel as if he was choking in that room, hence he preferred to leave before being dragged to the dinner table where he would have to play the role of the recently healed good son. The bad weather would be more bearable than that. Thus, he went for his wallet and found it empty, scolding himself for having forgotten that he had spent his last banknotes that very morning before going home. As if it was the most natural thing in the world, he proceeded to go to the room of Feliciano, who had basically become his personal cash dispenser. Though, it was really incredible that that idiot of a twin still hadn't noticed that almost all of his money was gone. Well, not "almost", but entirely gone, since Lovino was just now taking the rest of his brother's savings, while rummaging in the other drawers, hoping to find a bit more. "Brother," he suddenly heard Feliciano's voice and got startled, being caught with his hands in the other's desk. "What are you doing?"  Lovino tried to regain his normal skin color after having paled from the scare. "Nothing... just looking for something," he replied, closing the drawers and leaving the room as fast as he could. Feliciano stepped in, a bit surprised that his brother had entered his room to do something else than to threaten him or things like that... and found that fact highly suspicious. Thus, Feliciano opened the drawers again where Lovino's hands had been just a few seconds ago, and when he looked into the last one... "My money!"  ...he finally noticed that his savings had disappeared. Not wanting to accuse his brother, he started searching in the other drawers, but didn't find anything and became furious, going after the obvious culprit. “Lovino!” he exclaimed, barging into his brother’s room. The latter got startled again, hearing him call him by his given name which he almost never did. “What do you want, you idiot? Fuck off and don’t yell at me,” Lovino replied, but it didn't affect the younger one this time. “Where’s my money?” Feliciano demanded an explanation. The other suddenly looked nervous. “No clue what you're talking about, leave.” Lovino tried to get his twin out, but the latter didn't let him. “Don’t lie to me, you took it!” Feliciano spat, facing the other, who started getting angry as well. “I told you I didn't, it’s not my fault you’re dumb enough to lose your money.” Lovino shoved him, and Feliciano shoved him back this time. “I didn't lose it, you took it! Give it back!” Feliciano tried to go look for it in Lovino's room, but the older one grabbed him, pulling him back. “Stop acting like a whiny little girl just because of some banknotes!” Lovino said, covering his brother's mouth in order to not attract the attention of their parents downstairs. “So you did take it, give it back!” Lovino frowned at that. “I will pay you back one day,” he responded, making him understand that he had already spent it all. Feliciano widened his eyes, while his brother finally freed him and turned his back to him as if nothing had happened. “These were my savings of an entire year!” the enraged Feliciano yelled and lunged at Lovino with so much force that he made him fall, wanting to strangle him. “I collected that money to go to Italy! How could you have spent so much on your goddamn drugs?” He grabbed Lovino by the clothes, lifted him and slammed him once more against the floor. “Why are you insisting on ruining the lives of other people?! It’s not our fault you’ve already destroyed your own!” Feliciano screamed, starting to slap Lovino in the face. The older one felt for a moment that these words hurt more than his brother's weak hits, so he got angry as well in order to mask his pain and started hitting back. A pitched battle had begun on the floor. The brothers had replaced the slaps with punches, were pulling each other's hair, and were kicking and throwing one another against the furniture, both trying to let out all the fury the other had provoked in them. "Stop that!" their mother yelled hysterically, having arrived running due to the noise the boys were making. Followed by her husband, who tried to separate the two of them, still kicking and punching each other. "What happened? Why are you fighting?" he asked, having to step in between them. "Lovino stole my money!" Feliciano screamed, being dragged a few meters away by his mother. "Is that true?" she inquired. Lovino cast Feliciano such a lethal, cold and furious gaze that it made even his parents shudder. But this was exactly the push Feliciano needed to finally be able to speak up.  "Yes, he stole it, because he's still consuming drugs, he never stopped doing it!" the younger one shouted. After that, everyone went quiet, as if they had lost the ability to speak. This time, it was Lovino, whose eyes opened as wide as plates. And a few seconds later, his blood started boiling again. "You fucking traitor!" he snapped, about to kill his brother for real this time. But before he could do anything, he felt his father's huge and rough hand slap him in the face. So hard it turned his head to the side. The mother and Feliciano yelled out at the sight, but Lovino himself was dumbstruck, so dumbstruck he almost couldn't move. Feeling his skin burn, he looked up at his father and saw the latter's red face and sparkling eyes. And before Lovino knew it, he was dragged through the hallway by his father, with so much force as if the latter wanted to rip his arm off. He tried to resist, but the adult was surprisingly strong and pulled him downstairs without caring for his son's continuous stumbling. Lovino was desperately looking for his mother's or brother's help, but didn't see them leave the room. Finally, he heard the door open and saw his father look at him once more. Perhaps, he was the one from whom Lovino had inherited that look filled with resentment and disappointment, mixed with anger and sadness. "There won't be any drug-addicts living under my roof. We gave you a chance... and you wasted it." And with these words and with a single movement, he tossed Lovino outside, making him fall face-first on the ground. Lovino heard the door being slammed behind him, and when he looked at it, it was closed. His eyes were still as wide open as it was possible, while he felt his cheek burn and sting and his arm hurt. Feliciano's punches were like a tingling compared to that. His palms were scraped thanks to his fall, and he didn't dare move even one of his still tense muscles. Instead, he waited for the door to open again, for his crying mother to come out and take him back, for the ashamed Feliciano to help him stand up, for his father to sit angrily in his office but still allowing them to let him enter again. For someone to come and say "everything will be alright". But that didn't happen... and neither wouldn't... Looking around and still not fully understanding what was going on, he got up and took a few steps back, with the tiny hope that the door would open after all. But gave up after three steps and started to walk away, feeling as if some spirit was robbing him of his breath. His chest tightened painfully. He wanted to run, but his feet didn't obey him. It was so frustrating, since that was the first time he really wanted to escape himself, but his physical body, his damn body, didn't allow it. As if he wasn't being punished enough. A punishment he wasn't sure he had deserved at all. "Brother!" he heard, but thought that his mind was just messing with him. Until he suddenly felt someone grab his arm as if their life depended on it. "Don't go! I beg you, don't go! I'll tell mom and dad that it was a lie, that I said it only out of anger, but please don't go!" Feliciano implored. His cheeks were hot, not only due to the running, but also because he had escaped his mother who had tried to stop him, and defied his father by leaving the house in order to bring back his brother. Feliciano was wailing and hugging Lovino's arm as if he was still a little boy who was afraid of something. Lovino just looked at him and wanted to resume his path, but Feliciano didn't let go, crying and begging him to stay. "Please, I'll do whatever you want, I won't get angry because of the money and won't say a word to anyone, I swear it, I swear it to you on our grandpa and I swear it to God, but don't go, brother... don't leave me!" He was crying so inconsolably that it hurt even his twin. "Stop that," Lovino commanded, and the other did as told, whimpering and thinking that he had managed to convince his brother. But the latter freed himself gently from his grip. Then, Lovino turned around and shoved Feliciano at least three times, as if to make him understand that he should return home. Alone. Feliciano stepped back against his will, until the older one finally regained control over his body and started running, refusing to look back and ignoring his stupid little brother, who fell on his knees, crying bitterly and apologizing over and over again between sobs. And Lovino was just running, wishing with all his might that the horizon would become the end of the world like people used to believe. If he arrived at the place where the sun was hiding, the great void where everything finds its end, then he wouldn't hesitate even a second before jumping down and disappearing once and for all. But no matter how fast he ran, no matter how hard he was attempting to reach the horizon, he didn't seem to get any closer at all, and the weight of his reality was catching up to him, seizing him by his ankles and preventing him from going on, taking his breath away. So he gradually became slower, and even though he was forcing himself to keep running, his legs couldn't obey him anymore, threatening to succumb to his weight. Leaving him no other choice than to lean against the wall in some alley he had arrived at and let out pants that could be confused for sobbing. However, there wasn't a single tear leaving his eyes. He looked at the sky, trying to find a hint that the end of the world was near, but the damn sun was looking exactly as far away as when he had started running. Its light was hurting his eyes, but Lovino couldn't see anything apart from the same repulsive black-and-white landscape he detested so much. Continuing to pant, he was trying to retrieve the oxygen he had lost, wiping the sweat from his face that was running down his forehead, and looking at the sun again and at the gray clouds that were hiding it. Cursing them. Them and everything around him, cursing the fact that the earth wasn't flat after all. That he had no way to escape... but then remembered that there was something that would help him to flee and to forget, something to feel good, to free at least his mind from all these calamities. Hence, he attempted to calm down and understand where he was. Having finally recognized the streets, he headed to the nearest metro station, almost flew downstairs and entered a train that was about to close its doors. Standing inside the wagon, he was biting his nails, while counting the stations he passed one by one, desperate and feeling as if the train was moving slower than ever, frowning more and more. Having finally arrived, he basically jumped out and ran upstairs, holding on to the railing in order to skip three steps at once. The street greeted him with a humid breeze that predicted rain, but he ignored it, about to head to Feliks' apartment. Which turned out to be unnecessary, since he spotted the latter in a corner on the way, hurrying somewhere wearing warm clothes and with an umbrella hanging from his arm. "Feliks!" Lovino yelled. He was so relieved he would have even smiled if it was in another situation. Feliks actually stopped, looking around in search for the one who had called him, until he saw the Italian run up to him. "Lovi, how odd to see you two times on the same day," he said, resuming his path. Lovino followed him. "I need you to sell me something, anything!" He took out a few banknotes and coins, but it wasn't enough. "Like, Lovi, I'll sell you whatever you want, as long as you can pay me," Feliks said, sneering at the amount of money in the Italian's hands. Lovino stepped in front of Feliks in order to stop him again. "I will pay you later, you'll have the money tomorrow..." But Feliks raised his hand in front of Lovino's face, interrupting him. "No, like. No, no and no. If you want something, pay me, this is how things work as you already know." He put his hands on his hips, looking annoyed. "Like I said, I will pay you, but I don't have the money right now... come on... aren't we friends?" Well, Lovino didn't even believe his last comment himself. "Yeah, like, best friends, Lovi, but I don't run a charity. Can you imagine what would become of me if I gave my merchandise to every friend for free?" Feliks asked sarcastically, shoving Lovino aside in order to keep walking, but the latter insisted on blocking his path. "I will pay you, goddammit!" He screamed in irritation, raising his voice a bit too much. Which offended Feliks, of course. "Then do it right now, and I'll give you what you want! Do you think I'll give you everything for free just because we exchanged a few nice words and went out to party once or twice? Don't you misunderstand me, Lovino, I'm not literally working my ass off every night to support the vices of a sad junkie who's not me. Man, at least offer to sleep with me if you want to get something," Feliks scolded him, leaving behind his feminine attitude and starting to move again, leaving Lovino behind, who followed him once again, this time trying to control himself. "Feliks, Feliks, wait... the truth is that..." He began, lowering his head in shame and looking around, not knowing where to direct his gaze. "I was kicked out of my home and that's why I don't have anything right now..." Suddenly, he felt the other take him by the face and lift it gently. Lovino saw a pained expression on Feliks' face and perceived the latter's hand on his cheek, his thumb stroking it lovingly. There was something like condescendence in his green eyes. "Lovi, my dear... that's not my problem." Feliks finally declared, letting go of Lovino, and left, playing around with his umbrella, making it spin. "Get money, and we'll become super friends again. Until then, don't bother me," he warned with his back to the Italian. "You son of a bitch, Feliks!" Lovino snapped, pointing his finger at the other, who merely let out an arrogant laugh and waved him goodbye. Groaning loudly, Lovino brought his hands to his head, desperately walking to and fro and thinking of what to do now. What else could he do if he couldn't access his only escape route? Continuing to think and growing more and more desperate, he tousled his hair, trying to get an idea, but nothing... nothing occurred to him. He squatted down in order to think better and closed his eyes, begging for the ideas to come... but still nothing. His mind was blank, as if all his coherent thoughts seemed to have been left behind in his room. Then he felt a water drop land on his neck and run down his back, making him shiver. Looking up, he saw more rain drops fall, and ran back to the metro, cursing between clenched teeth. Entering the train and finding a few free seats, he sat down, placing his feet on the seat next to him and just stayed there, not really caring where the metro was heading to. Biting his nails again and watching the calm, boring people, immersed in their routine, where he, a guy who was looking around, sitting in a corner and biting his nails, clearly didn't exist. A guy who was thinking of them and cursing them... their peaceful lives, their missing ability to feel any empathy for him. And while he was biting the tip of his index finger, Lovino covered his face with his free arm and closed his eyes once more, trying to convince himself that it was nothing but a dream. While listening to the metallic sounds of the rails as the metro passed over them, the passengers' murmurs, the music coming from somebody's headphones, the giggles of some school girl reading her text messages, the beeping of the doors every time they opened or closed. The train reached its terminal station, but Lovino didn't move from his spot, staying for another complete tour and watching the people get on and off, always the same, but with different faces, while his anxiety was devouring him... starting with a light tingle in his stomach and becoming more and more intense, reaching his chest and climbing up to his throat, choking him with a desire to scream. But before even a single sound could escape his mouth, he remembered Antonio. Antonio! Of course, he still had Antonio, whom he could still count on. Who could still save him. Lovino jumped to his feet and ran out, almost being crushed by the trains' door that was about to close.  Having left the station, he noticed that it was already dark outside and that the rain had gotten heavier, but didn't care. Getting wet in a matter of minutes, he walked around, looking for a pay phone, since he unfortunately didn't have his cell phone with him. When he found one, he was already soaked to the bone, his clothes heavy and his bangs covering his eyes, making it hard to see. But he still rummaged for the few coins he had with his trembling hands and called Antonio. No one picked up. Lovino cursed and tried again, hugging himself in order to keep his last remaining body heat. Nothing. Antonio didn't answer the phone. "Come on, Antonio, don't do that to me," he grumbled, his teeth chattering from the cold, while he called a third time without any result. "Answer, you moron." His hands were shaking so much he had trouble inserting the coins. And after three beeps coming from the phone, the other finally picked up. "Antonio," he said, thinking of how to explain things to make the Spaniard hurry to his rescue, but was interrupted before he could add anything else. "I'm sorry, Lovino..." was the very first thing Antonio said, startling the Italian. "We shouldn’t see each other anymore.” And hung up.  Lovino was petrified. His jaws were trembling, his body shivering, his lips opening slightly, and his heart stopped beating. These words had made the cold penetrate his insides. Time stopped together with his heart. Then, it started to move on again, the rain kept falling, and something inside him broke painfully. It was such an unbearable pain that it made him think for a moment that it wasn't real. It just couldn't be. "Antonio… I was thrown out of home and have nowhere to go,” Lovino spoke as if the other was still listening. Still failing to understand that he had been abandoned once again. By the only one who promised to stay by his side. No, this wasn't real. “Antonio... you said you wouldn't let go of me." He dropped the phone, finally realizing that he was completely alone. That it was real. Not bothering to place the phone back on its spot, he just left, walking slowly under the rain that felt like thin icy blades hitting his skin. "You said you wouldn't let go," he repeated, remembering the warmth in his hand when Antonio had said that he would jump together with him. And continued to walk, releasing little clouds of breath from his mouth. His nose was cold, his pale hands as well, and the rest of his body was shivering involuntarily. He didn't have anything nor anyone now, completely abandoned. That was the story of his life. What it always had been. He kept walking until he couldn't take the cold and rain anymore and headed to the only place he knew he would find shelter in: his grandpa's old, burned down apartment. As soon as he arrived, he slumped down on the worn down mattress, getting it wet as well with the soaked through clothes he was still wearing. Then he sat up, leaning his back against the wall and hugged himself tightly, burying his chewed down nails into his arms, hiding his face between his knees. And did something he hadn't done for a long time: he started crying, feeling the warm tears burn his cold cheeks like acid. They flowed out of his eyes and mixed themselves with the remnants of the rain, while he scratched his arms and muffled his screams. The worst part of all that had happened wasn't the fact that he had lost his home and that his family and the one he loved had turned their backs to him. No. He didn't cry for Feliciano, his parents or Antonio... what was making him cry like that, the really horrible part... was the realization that he didn't have anything to get high on... he was crying for the drugs, the stuff that had once been his salvation. Thus, he scratched his arms in order to distract himself, curled up on the mattress to protect himself from his reality, and closed his eyes to not see himself in such a disgraceful state. Why was this happening to him? He just couldn't understand. He spent the entire night crying, shivering, and suffering from anxiety and a flood of thoughts that never got him anywhere, barely able to sleep, having the impression that only a few minutes had passed since he had closed his eyes in order to snooze until daybreak. Seeing the rays of sunlight struggle to enter through the thick curtains, he decided to get up. His body was numb, his nose stuffed, and his chest hurt, surely because he had kept on his wet clothes without even wringing them out. Not caring about the obvious cold he had caught, Lovino left, biting his nails once again or, more precisely, what was left of them, still racking his brain, trying to think of a way to get the damn money to survive at least that day. Even though he didn't even understand why he wanted it, maybe it was his innate survival instinct, who knew... but whatever, he just wanted to put something into his body and that was it. Lovino stepped out of the building, closing his eyes with a curse when the morning sun burned his retinas, and then, having recovered from it, resumed his path, not letting his fingers and nails in peace. He walked through unfamiliar streets, saw people carrying briefcases and bags, and pupils with their backpacks, each of them hurrying to go through the routine of another normal day in their normal lives where nothing ever happened.   And there was he, Lovino, observing them, while leaning against a metal mesh surrounding an empty lot. He watched them take out their wallets, their car keys or their phones, each of them so calm that his mind started to think of doing something he would never even considered doing before. But his current situation left him with no other choice. The Italian looked around and spotted a boy coming from around the corner. He was probably a middle- or high-schooler and his uniform looked like one from a private school, so he should have some money in his pockets. After a very brief hesitation, Lovino discreetly picked up a piece of pipe laying around on the ground, stuck it through one of the holes of the mesh and then cautiously walked to the alley on the other side of it, hiding there until he saw the boy walking by while listening to music. Lovino pulled him into the alley with so much force that he made him fall. The boy paled when he saw the Italian hit a trash can with the pipe like an act of intimidation, denting it in the process. "Give me your money, brat!" Lovino yelled, but since the other was frozen with fear and it wouldn't last long until someone would hear them, he pulled the boy to his feet and took out his money himself. The boy was trying to defend himself, which earned him a powerful blow to the arm. Having finally gotten his money, Lovino started running, dropping the pipe on the way. Had he broken his arm? Would the boy go to the police? It didn't matter, nothing of it mattered. Lovino had money in his hands and if he was lucky, it would be enough to get at least something. Even though he had trouble breathing thanks to his stuffed nose, he kept running, looking back several times to make sure that no one was following him. He didn't see anyone, but continued to run until he felt safe enough. Stopping at a corner, he coughed a few times, trying to breathe better through his mouth, counted the money and smiled upon seeing that it was more than he had believed a kid of 14 or 15 years to carry in his backpack. He was so happy he even started laughing. Finally some money! Without wasting any more time, he headed directly to Feliks, not caring that it was seven in the morning. Walking there, he felt the temperature decrease, supposing that he probably had a fever, since his skin was hot even though he was shivering. So what? It didn't really matter. Having arrived at the familiar building, he climbed the usual stairs and knocked so many times on the door that even Feliks' yells and complaints went unheard.   "Here you go, now give me what I want," Lovino said, giving Feliks the money as soon as the latter opened the door and was about to greet him. "Yeah, good morning to you too, Lovi. And I had a great night, in case you wanted to ask how I am, even if to just be polite." Feliks invited Lovino into his home. Or more precisely: Lovino had already invited himself in. "Are you going to sell me something or read me your intimate diary?" the Italian asked anxiously, while Feliks, who was wrapped into a blanket, allowed himself to let out a yawn and drag his feet towards the table.  "Right now, I have only this, lying beautifully here. Actually, I wanted to consume it myself, but as I see, you need it more than me." He picked up a syringe he had prepared for himself just before Lovino's arrival. He stepped closer to the Italian, about to hand him the syringe, but before the other could take it, he moved his hand away and approached Lovino’s face. "Who did you sell yourself to for that cash?" Feliks asked with a small mischievous grin on his lips. "Don't compare me to yourself, I haven’t sunk that low," Lovino replied, wanting to take the syringe from him, but the other held his arm even further away and widened his grin. "Then tell me how you got it. Like, obviously not from the tooth fairy," Feliks insisted. This time, Lovino managed to rip the syringe out of his hand, with a triumphant expression on his face. "Everyone has their methods." The dealer let out a feminine giggle. "Enjoy it." He approached him for a last time and gave him a little kiss, barely touching his lips. Lovino stepped back, frowning, and wiped his mouth, while Feliks walked away. "Can I stay here for a while?" the Italian asked. "Sure, Lovi, make yourself at home," replied the other in a rather sarcastic tone and went to his bedroom, where Ivan was wrapped into a blanket as well. Letting out a long sigh, Feliks freed himself from the hindering cloth and climbed into bed, getting on top of Ivan. "I told you that Lovi'd come back," he commented. He had told the mafioso about the little argument he had had with the Italian the day before. "The likes of him always do." Feliks placed his chin on Ivan's chest. "Same for you, Feliks. You're masochistic enough to let me into your bed over and over again," Ivan said, playing with the other's long blond hair. "Will you come back, Ivan? I mean, after having broken me for good," Feliks inquired, tracing figures with his index finger on the Russian's pale chest. "Or are you like a child, who gets bored after breaking their toys?" There was a hint of melancholy in his voice. "A useless toy isn't fun anymore," Ivan replied simply, letting out an innocent giggle. "Then destroy me as much as you want, Ivan-baby, as long as you come back. Try to ruin me before I ruin myself and you end up the discarded one." Feliks sat down on Ivan's lap, making the latter hold back a long moan filled with pleasure, as he started to move his hips and put on that damn cynical and arrogant grin that seemed to constantly challenge and mock the Russian.  Ignoring the noises coming from the bedroom and everything else around him, Lovino pulled the needle out of his arm, dropped it to the floor and burst out laughing sluggishly, slumping down on the worn down couch. Feeling his body become light and his mind free itself from any rational thought, while his eyes were once again adapting themselves to the wide range of colors entering through the window.  The sun had never looked that beautiful to him. Its rays revealed the dust particles floating calmly through the air, Feliks' washed-out pink curtains were turning it into a real spectacle, and even the reflections of some crystal glasses near the table were creating small, compact rainbows, becoming the most interesting thing in the world.  The colors had returned and were filling his pupils, giving him the comfort he had been yearning for... nothing could compare to that, nothing could compare to watching the intensity of each color entering his head and driving out the mess of thoughts. He closed his eyes, taking deep breaths, and it was as if he was inhaling peace and happiness, a tranquility without Feliciano, without his parents and without Feliks and Ivan... and he would like to say, even without Antonio, but even though the latter wasn't there with him, he could still see the emerald color of his eyes, the color he had fallen in love with. However, it was no painful image like last time, but a beautiful, nostalgic one he would be able to pay anything for.  Indeed, these colors had a price: they had taken his home, his family, his lover, and even his morality from him; every glimpse of light was equivalent to a fragment of himself he had sacrificed, and it was worth it... damn, of course it was. And thus, he continued lying there, surrounded by those precious non-existent colors, while someone else far away from him was contemplating a somber black-and-white landscape and missing him, pronouncing his name between sighs and seeing his face every time he closed his eyes. Antonio was missing him from inside the monochrome painting of his soberness and didn't know how long he would be able to bear it before running out to look for him.