Lovers who Uncover

“And I wish I could feel it And I wish I could steal it, abduct it, corrupt it But I never can, it's just Saturated loneliness” Korn - Tearjerker Lovino was tiptoeing to his parents' bedroom and looking around in the hallway in order to make sure that nobody would see him, even though he knew that he was home alone: Feliciano would be home soon, but was currently at school, his father at work, and his mother doing grocery shopping. However, he still didn't feel completely safe. Finally, he reached the bedroom and then the bathroom. Still plagued by slight paranoia, he closed the door and opened the medicine cabinet, looking at its content with a little smile on his lips. "Let's take a look at what the doctor prescribed you, Mom," he said quietly, checking every single bottle of pills. Lovino was perfectly aware that his mother had started seeing a psychiatrist when he had been admitted to that rehabilitation center. The poor woman had fallen into a severe depression from which she couldn't recover on her own, so her kind and loving husband had sent her to be sedated with pills in order to not have to listen to her laments any longer. He knew that, because Feliciano himself had told him the story in an attempt to make him realize that his addiction was making his entire family suffer. But the innocent Feli never suspected that his words would actually have the opposite effect: now Lovino had gained a source of free drugs, even though antidepressants weren't exactly his favorites. But still better than nothing and obviously better than being scammed by Feliks. He sat down on the toilet with the cabinet on his lap and took out a few pills from each bottle. "Oh, Mom, what a junkie you are..." he said, laughing maliciously. "Valium, Prozac, Xanax... you're a walking pharmacy!" Having swallowed a few Valium pills, he put the others away and placed the cabinet back where it belonged, about to return to his room. But when he walked past the mirror and saw his reflection, a slight remorse awoke his numbed conscience. Looking at himself in the glass, he noticed that his face had become even thinner during the last three months and that his furious eyes had acquired a dull, sad color, despite his eternal frown. What was he doing to himself? What was he doing to his life and the lives of the people surrounding him? Shit... that was what he was turning it all into. He placed one hand on the mirror, covering up his reflection and clenching his teeth with force, restraining himself in order to not break the glass as payback for making him feel guilty about something that wasn't entirely his fault. If his parents just hadn't pretended that he was alright, if they just hadn't decided to ignore him the first and only time he had confessed to them that he didn't feel well... if they hadn't said that wanting to kill yourself every day, feeling suffocated after leaving the house, and despising his own brother were just "teenager problems"... if they hadn't looked at him the way they had when they found heroin in his drawers and the hiding spots in his room, if they hadn't yelled at thim that he was nothing but garbage, nothing but a disgrace to them... if they hadn't abandoned him in a rehabilitation center without visiting nor calling or even sending a goddamn letter even once... if they hadn't given him the idea that perhaps, he didn't deserve to be alive... "Fuck you," he growled, throwing one of the pills into the air and catching it just in time. "Who's the fucking drug addict now, Mom, huh?" He looked at the blue and white Prozac capsule that his mother was surely taking every evening together with her other antidepressants. Yes, in the end, every single person on earth is a sad addict who is trying to escape reality. It is just that some addictions are frowned upon, while others aren't. Lovino returned to his room, kicked the door shut like he always did, and headed to his bed in order to continue watching his days pass without doing anything productive. Instead just losing himself and concentrating on the effect of the antidepressants that were making his body feel light and erasing every trace of coherent thinking from his mind until nothing was left... nothing but a sweet, comforting emptiness... however, there was still something else. The caress of a pair of lips and bewitching green eyes. Lovino closed his own and could almost see how that green color was swallowing up the darkness under his eyelids. Placing a few of his fingers on his lips, he then remembered how that kiss had felt. Lovino had never thought that he would end up kissing another man, but, to be honest, he wasn't that surprised, either, for each one of his first times had happened under the effect of drugs. Even when he had lost his virginity, he had been so high that he now barely remembered the girl's face. But that didn't matter, of course, he just liked to keep the memory of the sensations on his skin, the heat, and the pleasure, amplified by the substances in his body. With Antonio, however, it had been different: there was something in the other's eyes that was inciting him, and also something in his way of kissing, as if that Spaniard wished to rip out everything he was carrying inside. He knew that, because, after that first kiss, they had shared many more. Approximately three weeks had passed since the first one, and they were seeing each other regularly now: the Italian was picking him up from university, and they went together to Feliks' apartment or to some other place where Lovino could enjoy a good trip in peace. Antonio was always with him, always there when he was under the effects of whatever stuff he had consumed. Each time, it was the same: Antonio took him by the face and caressed his cheeks, trying to find the furrows left behind by invisible tears. Then, he brushed Lovino's bangs to the side in order to see his eyes better, and narrowed his own, as if attempting to read something in the other's gaze, came closer, and finally kissed him almost possessively. Stealing his air and pressing his body against him as tightly as possible. There were times when Lovino honestly felt that Antonio was taking away a part of him by kissing him like that. He had no clue what the matter with Antonio was, with that healthy and smiling man, who was apparently suffering from some kind of twisted voyeurism, being interested in listening to Lovino's pathetic life stories whenever they weren’t kissing. And Lovino himself didn’t even need to be pressured into talking, he just did it... and even when not, Antonio was still able to read him like a book. So easily, it was almost scary. "Damn bastard," Lovino muttered, immersing himself farther and farther into the relaxing effect of the medicine, starting to wake up far away from reality and feeling so good. "Brother? Can I enter?" he suddenly heard his twin's voice. The latter opened the door without even waiting for an answer. "What do you want, Feliciano?" Lovino asked angrily, placing his hands on his face and trying not to yell at the younger one, who looked around, searching for anything suspicious. "Ve~... I just wanted to tell you something," Feliciano said nervously, closing the door and heading towards the bed where his brother was still lying and trying to ignore him. "Yes? What is it? Spit it out," Lovino rushed him, glaring at Feliciano, who sat down beside him, nervously playing with his fingers and shyly peeking towards his brother. "Well, I thought that, maybe, you could return to school, and I could help you somehow, you know... distract you from what you say is tormenting you. You were really into History. Do you remember how we used to read all these encyclopedias at grandpa's house? That was fun." Feliciano had a stupid smile on his face. "Oh yes, a lot of fun!" Lovino exclaimed sarcastically. "If that was all, then scram," he spat, giving his brother a shove that made the latter almost fall from the bed. But Feliciano managed to keep his balance. "Wait... think about it, I believe that focusing on something you like might help you stay sober and have a clearer view on things." Lovino got even angrier than usual. "Sober? Feli, let me give you my definition of that word," he said, sitting up with his legs crossed, and faced his brother. "Being sober means suffering from shivers, nausea, barfing, pain in your whole damn body, and if you're unlucky, hallucinations that aren't exactly of unicorns. Being sober is shitty, because after going through everything I just said, you just return to the same trash you wanted to escape from in the first place. You might believe that it might not be that bad, but then you find out that it's even worse than you thought," Lovino explained with an expression of annoyance, got up and headed to the door, opening it and indicating to Feliciano that he wanted him to leave. “And now that you learned that, get out of here.” He pointed to the hallway, but Feliciano didn't move from his spot, instead starting to play with his fingers again. “And I can’t help you at all?” he asked. “I can’t make it even a bit better for you?” He didn't dare to face his brother, who approached him again, dragging his feet, and stood before him. Feliciano tried to back off, still sitting on the bed, but Lovino stopped him by placing his knees on Feliciano’s both sides, straddling him. The younger one looked up at him with fear. “Feli… my little brother… always so kind.” Lovino's tone was scaring Feliciano, and even more so when the latter started to stroke his head with pretended affection. “You really seem to be oozing with kindness.” Then he grabbed the younger one by the chin. Feliciano unconsciously tried to get away, but the other's grip was firm. “Do you know how sick this is always making me feel?” Lovino asked, frowning and tightening his grip even more, hurting Feliciano in the process and making him whimper. “The eternally good and perfect Feliciano, so different from the idiot Lovino. Could it be that you took all the good qualities from me while we were still in our mother’s womb? And now you come and want to help me, who knows why. Maybe to make me feel even worse than your mere presence does already or maybe to glorify yourself and boost your self-confidence… some kind of emotional masturbation perhaps…” Lovino approached him even more, watching with satisfaction how his brother’s eyes filled with tears. “And there you're about to start crying again. That's the only thing you can do!” He yelled. “Always ending up getting all the attention, goddammit…” “Enough!” Feliciano yelled back, shoving Lovino with all his might and onto the floor, leaving the latter completely baffled. “I’ve had enough of you playing the victim all the time!” The younger twin clenched his fists and stared at the ground, evading Lovino's eyes, since he was, indeed, crying once again. “Yes… I know you have gone through bad times and I know there are things I can't understand, but you're still not the only one in the universe who’s suffering, you’re not the only one who thinks of destroying himself and neither the only one who sees the world as a place he doesn't belong. Everyone is feeling pain or dealing with difficult situations at some time of their life, but not everyone is taking such an easy way out of it like you do! Yeah, taking drugs to not have to fight anymore, slowly killing yourself while seeing colorful elephants jump around you… how convenient, isn't it?! And even more convenient to just make yourself the victim of the tragedy, blaming everyone for having turned out the way you are now. But what about yourself?! You did have the choice between fighting and giving up, didn't you? Yes, you did, but you chose the easier way and are now snapping on everyone, even though you are the weak one who didn't have the guts to fight!” Feliciano glared furiously at this brother, whose brow furrowed more and more. Then, Lovino jumped up in a single movement, threw himself at the younger one and slammed him against the wall, seizing his collar. “WEAK?!” Lovino roared, almost tearing off Feliciano’s shirt. “You’re calling ME weak? Me, the one who has been fighting every single fucking day against everything that was killing me, the one who was attempting to move forward with all my might, the one who was breaking his arms and fingers while trying to leave that shitty hole I’ve been drowning in? Me, who struggled day after day to not just jump off a bridge, who did everything he could to scream for help even though no one ever listened? Me, who was fighting against the monsters in my head until the very last day? This is what you’re calling weak, Feliciano?! I did fight, I did, but I couldn’t take it anymore, and everything I’ve been fighting against ended up defeating me!” His voice broke, and his hands and legs lost their strength. Finally, he slumped to the ground, still holding Feliciano, who was forced to kneel down as well. “I was tired, Feliciano… so tired of fighting alone and never winning… in the end, it all killed me, and now I’m here, still trying to search for tiny scraps of life…” Lovino rested his forehead against his twin’s shoulder. Feliciano was still crying. “How stupid…” Lovino continued, palpating his pocket, searching for the pills and taking out a couple more. “We’re fearing life, but still keep clinging to it.” He looked at them and put them into his mouth, being watched by Feliciano, who wanted to hug him, but was shoved away. “Leave,” the older one commanded. “But…” the younger one tried to protest, but earned himself a kick, though not a very strong one. “I told you to leave, and if you tell them anything, you’ll be sorry for real. Go!” Lovino didn’t stop kicking him, so Feliciano had no other choice than to get up and leave, still sobbing. While Lovino himself stayed on the floor, allowing himself to get carried away by the effect of the pills, because they allowed him to not feel anything at all… just a perfect emptiness… where nothing was hurting nor affecting him. This time, there was merely a pure white color without any shadows that was making him feel at ease… there was nothing better than that. Lovino took deep breaths, feeling even lighter than before and lying down on the floor, raising his hand and looking at his palm, having the impression that he could grab the entire world and crush it in his fist together with everything that was making him suffer. He smiled slightly at the thought and put his arm down again. He didn’t need anything nor anyone, not even his dumb little brother, who was trying to save him by all means. Anything, but sweets of happiness, magic powders of fantasy and injections that were offering him colors and doses of perfect moments. With some difficulties, he took out the phone Feliciano had been searching for days and clumsily dialed Antonio’s number. The Spaniard answered so quickly as if he had been waiting for that call. “Lovi, how unusual to have you call me,” he said, cheerful as always, laughing even. “Let’s meet tonight,” Lovino commanded, feeling sleepy. “Oh, how straightforward. Alright, let me check my calendar and…” “To hell with your calendar, let’s meet tonight.” Lovino felt the carpet’s fibers under his fingertips, concentrating on how they were tickling his skin. “Wow, Lovi. Are you that eager to see me? And I thought I was the one in love with you,” Antonio joked as always. “Yes, I am. So forget about everything you have to do and meet me tonight. I’ll be waiting for you.” Antonio heard the call end as soon as the Italian had pronounced these words, looked at his phone and put it away, a big smile on his lips. “I think I’m a lucky one, guys. Lovi has invited me to hang out with him tonight,” he said joyfully to Gilbert and Francis while leaving a coffee shop, each of them holding a cup of coffee. “Hey, don’t get me wrong, but today’s Wednesday, and you’ve started coming home at around 4 a.m. every time you hang out with that Lovino,” Francis said, making Antonio laugh out again. “Hey, let him live that moment. Our little friend’s finally becoming a man, a very gay one though, but still a man,” Gilbert intervened, wrapping his arm around Antonio’s shoulders. “Yeah, Daddy Francis, it’s time for me to leave the nest.” The Spaniard pinched his friend’s cheek. Francis quickly freed himself from Antonio’s hand, careful to not spill his drink. “Mon ami, I don’t want to say anything offensive about your crush, but I have a bad feeling about that guy… I mean, he’s not the kind of person you usually hang around with, and you barely know anything about him, not to mention that you’re only meeting him at nighttime, so…” Francis began, turning more serious. “Oh, Fran, keep talking like that, and I’ll really start believing that you’ve become my dad.” Antonio gave him a playful little shove. “You’re the one who’s always telling me to enjoy life and let me remind you that you’re also hanging out with not really, let’s say, trustworthy people. Sometimes, you don’t even know their names,” he added, poking the other’s ribs in order to alleviate the tension a bit. “That’s something completely different, because I am like that, but you… you’re not the type of guy who’s staying up the night on weekdays and passing your time with people without even knowing if they’re studying or working… I just find it strange,” the latter continued, again with that seriousness that didn’t suit him in the slightest. Francis had a libertine spirit and was always supported by Gilbert when it was about having fun, while Antonio, for his part, tended to be a bit calmer and sometimes became the voice of reason for his two friends. That was why it was extremely unusual to hear Francis talk in an almost mature tone and scold Antonio, since it had always been the other way round. "Francis, you're just jealous that another man has entered Antonio's life. I know you two are childhood friends, but you've never made a move on him, so don't be surprised that he belongs to someone else now," said Gilbert, crossing his arms and trying to look like a wise father. "Stop that, Gilbert! What do you take our relationship for, eh?" the still smiling Antonio objected and turned back to Francis. "Don't worry, Lovino's a good guy. If you don't trust him, trust me, at least." Francis pondered a bit and then gave up with a sigh. "Fine, just don't forget the essay that's due tomorrow. You've already missed too many deadlines," he warned, and the three of them took a sip of their coffee at the same time, showing that their discussion was over. Antonio smiled to himself with his cup between his lips. Oh, if Francis only knew how Lovino really was and that all his suspicions were justified... but he obviously couldn't reveal it to his friends, they belonged to an entirely different universe than the Italian. And even Antonio himself did. Lovino was living in his own private world, together with his sorrow and sometimes also with his artificial happiness. The Spaniard kept staring at his black coffee that emanated a pleasant-smelling steam... that thought had left a bad taste behind, even more bitter than the coffee. If only he could become closer to Lovino... if he could at least open a door to the latter’s fiercely protected world, if he could approach the edge of the abyss and wander along it for fun, feeling the adrenaline from being so close to plunging head-first into it... This was what Antonio wanted: to feel that excitement, the emotions of life, fear, danger, energy flowing through his veins, pain. He drank another sip, thinking of a possibility to achieve that. The coffee still tasted far too bitter. Nighttime arrived soon, and the Spaniard looked at the clock and put away his books and notes that were only half-finished. He felt slight remorse, since Francis had been right; he really had missed various deadlines, and that essay was crucial if he wanted to pass that subject. But Lovino probably had been waiting for about ten minutes already, and yeah... that guy couldn't exactly be called a patient person. Antonio shook his head and turned off his computer, convincing himself that he would return home early and finish that assignment, even if it meant that he would have to work through the night and miss his first lesson to turn it in at nine a.m. So he quickly took his jacket and money and ran downstairs. "I'll return late, don't wait for me," he told his parents, who were watching TV in the living room, kissing his mother on the forehead and giving his father a nod. The latter looked at him with slight disapproval. "Going out again? You should stay home at least on weekdays," his mother said, taking him by the hand. "Just let him be. He should have a little fun before graduating... as long as he doesn't neglect his studies, of course," his father warned him. Antonio remembered his essay and smiled nervously. "See you," was everything he said to that, kissed his mother's hand and went for his keys, almost running out of his house to not make Lovino wait even more. He took the metro, mentally telling it to hurry up, while desperately looking at his watch every three minutes. When the doors finally opened, he squeezed through the crowd and almost jumped up the stairs to leave the station. Lovino was standing in a corner under a streetlight and smoking a cigarette. Antonio put on a smile, seeing him like that at night in the middle of an empty street. It made him look like a mafioso from the 40s. Lovino had a serious and rough expression on his face and a furrowed brow, the cigarette wandering between his mouth and his hand in short intervals... just seeing him made the Spaniard's heart pound with joy. "Lovino! Sorry!" he finally called and approached him after a few minutes of contemplation. "Where have you been, you bastard? I've already been about to go alone," the Italian protested, took a last drag from his cigarette and threw it to the ground, stomping on it. "Sorry, I'm a bit late," said the Spaniard. Lovino simply started walking without saying another word nor demanding an explanation. Like every night, they headed to Feliks' home, hoping to not find the latter with one of his clients, since that had already happened once. To be honest, both Lovino and Antonio were surprised that Feliks was capable of sleeping with anyone just for a dose or a few banknotes. Not even Lovino had sunk that low. "By the way, Lovi, how did you and Feliks meet in the first place? He's a pretty unusual guy and doesn't seem to be the kind of person you'd become friends with," Antonio asked on the way and earned himself a glare, as always. But the Italian knew that if he didn't answer, the other wouldn't let him in peace. "We met at rehab." "Eh? Isn't it a bit... weird... to meet your dealer at a rehabilitation center?" Antonio was wondering how the hell this could have happened. "Nah, not really. That dumbass ended up there because he was fucking someone in his car and got caught by the cops, who discovered a few grams of cocaine on them. So he spent a few days in jail, was released on bail and sent to rehab instead of staying in jail for drug possession and contempt. I landed there a few days later, and that's how we met," Lovino explained briefly while they were reaching the building and going up the damned spiral staircases. "I can't imagine Feliks in a sober state," Antonio commented, who had never once interacted with a Feliks who didn't have any substance in his body. "The same idiot, just without the horrible jokes. But I have to admit that group therapy was fun whenever he participated." These words surprised Antonio, for he had thought that the Italian found everything bad when he wasn't drugged. Finally, they reached the apartment. Lovino banged on the door, until Feliks finally opened it, annoyed as always. "Break my door, and you'll pay for it, Lovi," he warned him, this time in a pair of very tight shorts that were showing the outlines of his pubis, shirtless, and his hair tied into a ponytail with a few loose strands on his forehead. "I don't think you'd mind if the door broke. Your entire house looks like shit, and you don't do anything about it," Lovino countered and entered without permission, seeing Ivan sitting comfortably on the couch with that weird smile of his. "Ah... hello..." was everything the Spaniard and the Italian could utter. "Hello," Ivan replied cheerfully. "So what can I do for you today? Eh, like, I've just gotten something super good, something we haven't had for a long time," Feliks said and hopped towards his shabby table, picking up a handful of blue pills and a paper strip that was cut into several squares. "Wanna touch heaven and see God?" Lovino smiled upon recognizing the ecstasy pills and the LSD. "Or rather touch hell and see Satan," Ivan commented, laughing childishly, while Antonio stayed silent, as always. "Maybe a bit of both," Lovino answered, ignoring Ivan and taking the money out of his pocket anxiously, the wrinkled banknotes he had managed to steal from his brother. Good ol' Feliciano was just too absent-minded and stupid to notice that his savings were disappearing little by little. "Have fun, Lovi," Feliks said, receiving the money and putting one of the ecstasy pills into his mouth. After that, he picked up a bottle of vodka from the table, taking a big sip. "I will." Lovino put his newly purchased goods away and started tugging at Antonio, dragging him to the exit, followed by the gazes of the other two. Having heard the door close, Feliks approached Ivan and sat down beside him, wrapping the latter's long scarf around his hand. "The kids are out to play. Maybe we should do the same, Mr. mafioso?" he asked, tugging more powerfully at the scarf to pull Ivan closer. "You know, if you can't keep quiet about me being from the mafia, I'll have to kill you." Ivan passed his hand along Feliks' neck, as if he was considering strangling him. "Uhhhh, Ivan-baby, like, you couldn't do that, because you love me too much," Feliks replied, laughing and feeling the ecstasy kick in. Ivan laughed as well. "I don't love you, Feliks. The only thing I want is to crush these insolent eyes of yours," the Russian said in his innocent tone, looking at the other's vain eyes. Feliks was the only one in the world, who dared to look at him like that: provocatively, egotistically... without any fear... not caring about the fact that if Ivan was really a member of the Russian mafia, he could blow his brains out at any given moment. Feliks was looking at him however he wanted, challenging him with his gazes, since his life was already nothing but trash. He had nothing to lose, nothing to fear... but maybe there still was one single thing left. "Not even the waste of society would want to be with you. You are alone, and you will die alone," Ivan said, giving him kisses on the neck. "No one will keep you company. Never." He started running his hands over Feliks' chest, making the other, whose skin had become sensitive due to the drug, throw his head back. With his head now hanging from the edge of the couch and seeing everything upside down, he was listening to Ivan's words and feeling his touch. Like the touch of many other hands he had already sensed on his body... "You're right... How can anyone love somebody like me?" he said, closing his eyes and holding back a moan when he felt Ivan's teeth sink powerfully into his skin. It was the masochistic pleasure of being destroyed in body and mind by a sadist, who was enjoying destroying someone's fragile being. Ivan was biting the pale skin and touching the body of that insolent green-eyed guy, who had somehow started to fascinate him... he wanted to possess him, to see him shatter into pieces, to witness him suffering from the biggest misery possible. He moved his lips to Feliks' mouth and tried to take his hand. But then he spotted all the bruises, caused by the syringe's needles, frowned, and covered them with his own hand. He was the only one allowed to destroy Feliks. And thus, the night began. Antonio and Lovino hurried to the club where they had met for the first time, since Lovino was much too energetic thanks to the ecstasy pills and needed to let out his euphoria. As soon as they arrived, he ran towards the scene where the same band as last time was playing again. The Italian grabbed Antonio's wrist and led him almost to the front of that improvised scene that emanated electronic sounds and the singer's voice, distorted by the synthesizer that was connected to her microphone. Lovino was jumping, shaking his head, breathing heavily and staring at the several neon colors, wanting to drown in that kaleidoscopic sea. Still holding on to Antonio's hands, he felt the latter's warmth run through his fingers and go up his arms with a tingle. When he wasn't looking at the lights on the ceiling, he was immersing himself in the emerald shine of the Spaniard's eyes, who smiled, seeing the Italian that full of life. An artificial one, though, but still a life. Lovino then wrapped his arms around Antonio's neck in that euphoric trance of his and kissed him passionately, but still kept his eyes open in order to not miss a single one of the colors flooding the space, like a picture oozing with paint. The music was banging in his ears, the Spaniard's body heat was making him sweat even more than he already did, and the butterflies in his stomach were turning into a swarm of wasps that didn't stop buzzing inside him, intensifying the sensations caused by the deep kiss and the effects of the blue pills by a thousandfold. Antonio, in the meantime, was hugging Lovino's waist, perceiving the latter's panting, and letting out soft moans due to his partner savagely biting his lips. The modified voice of the girl with the microphone, mixed with the electronic sounds coming out the gigantic speakers, made Antonio think that Lovino's thoughts were probably exactly as strange at the moment. God, if he only could read them the same way he could read the other's skin by touching it! He wanted more of Lovino, he wanted everything, wanted to become part of his world... He wanted Lovino to become his world. When they were finally out of breath and suffocating from the heat, they separated a bit, but Lovino continued to move and was still trying to seize the other's mouth. Antonio stopped him by grabbing his face and started stroking his lips while staring into his brown eyes. "I want to try it too," he said, yelling in order to be heard. "I want to see the same things you are seeing." Something akin to a smile appeared on Lovino's face. "Are you sure? That's not a mere drinking night with your friends." He pressed himself closer against Antonio, who couldn't help hugging him, feeling his back being wet from all the sweat. "I am... Lovino, let me enter your world," he said, being possessively kissed once again by the other, who raised his gaze to see the colorful rain above him. "Let's go, then," Lovino agreed. Antonio felt as though he was dreaming: finally, he would be able to see the private thoughts of the guy who had become his fascination. And Lovino himself was eager to show him that wonderland he had built by taking fragments of his own body he was destroying little by little. Perhaps, he was starting to love Antonio as well... starting to love him while being drugged... to love him enough to want to tear him apart like himself. Lovino gave Antonio a last kiss, took him by the arm and guided him towards a place with fewer people. Having reached a dark corner away from all the others, he pulled out the paperstrip he had bought from Feliks, cut two little pieces from it, put them on his tongue and placed his hand on Antonio's neck. The Spaniard stuck his tongue out as well and picked up one of the papers impregnated with LSD from the other. The moment that toxic contact happened, was also the very instant where Antonio took a step forward and let himself fall into the abyss.