忘れる。理解する。受け入れる。

Where i am? Who i am? Who i am now? Squeak. White light and smell of medicine.. It's a... a hospital? IM SURVIVED?! I can't move.. i can't fell nothing.. I feeling uncomfortable.. Im sitting. Where i sitting? It's a.. wheelchair.. I can't go? That's shit.. Im feeling.. feeling a pain.. pain in legs and arms, pain in head.. everything is freaking hurts! Why? Why me? Im deserved death. Why im can't just die? Why was I left alive? Why. I hate this. I hate my new body, I don't wanna be disabled. I HATE MYSELF. I can't accept such a disabled idiot in myself.. I was a.. great! But I'm so worthless in this wheelchair and that headache.. Why i can't move now? No.. my body hurts too freaking much.. I can't talk, i cant scream, i can't NOTHING. WHY IM SO WORTHLESS? Where is my leader now? It's disappeared?! Im not a leader now.. im not a liar, im not a mastermind now.. But.. who i am? just nobody. - Hey bud, i know you possibly can't hear me now, but i know you understand me. We all the survivors. You suffered the most. So, you need some rest, bye. - Who is it? This voice so.. Comfortable to me? This voice so soft and looks kinda... familiar? I wanna scream. Please, don't leave me now! I wanna hear you. You selfish stranger! How dare you leave such a nonentity alone? Nobody isn't return. Nobody can't help me, like him.. No.. i know he doesn't like me, doesn't like a friend, doesn't like a boyfriend. Love is bad. Love is addictive.. Besides, who said that I deserve a love? ** - He is a paralyzed. he won't be able to walk on his own for a long time, some years. What. Why me. THIS IS NOT A ME. FUCK. I HATE MYSELF. THAT'S A BULLSHIT! WHY I CAN'T BE NORMAL?! This will be my punishment. For all my sins and lies I paid with my ability to own this body. I wasn't a Mastermind and i wasn't a true leader. For my bad acting I was awarded with this body. That's fair. - Can i lead his wheelchair? - This voice is returned. Im glad a little. I can't see, but i can hear. - Off course. you doesn't mind?  - Can i show it? Hey, u dumb doctor, im paralyzed, forgot it? Later I’ll run up to you and slap you in ur ugly face! - Im here, bud. You don't forgot me voice, right? You doesn't heatless? - Silence. Cuz' im can't fucking talk. He's still an idiot, how cute. - So.. i loved you and love you now. - He.. loves me? That's impossible! Nobody can't loves liars like me! This is some kind of prank, for sure. Hahaha! Oh, a forgot how a laugh. I cant hug him. Im felling sad. This is the last thing my worthless body wants. Im just wanna hear the voice of the man who saved me, who gave me the plan. Cuz i know him. - poison was injected into our medicine, so we will die soon, together. What will this cutie say before he dies? - Stupid joke. Anyway, I know what he will say. - i know, that's a stupid joke. Forgive me. - Silence. - But i still love you. Ultimate survivor loves ultimate leader, hear me?- And i don't wanna die, never. But i still hate myself and my body, my dirty soul. But I want to accept myself, for you. I wanna live. Live with you, my dearest.