Fangirl

It was lonely without Phillip at the academy. We'd been in contact, albeit tentatively, for a little over a month, but a week apart felt like a year of unrelenting boredom.   I was in pain and didn't know where to put myself. I read so much that veins burst in my eyes; I slept till late morning, and once till dinner; I had no appetite, so I didn't eat; I didn't want to go out, though the sun was warming up outside; I stared at the calendar that I had nailed across my bed on the second day he left and crossed off the days. For the first time, the days seemed endless.   It was maddening not to know what Phillip was doing. He must have been spending time with his family, walking around the city with friends, going to balls, laughing a lot, enjoying his vacation. I'd love to see him, if only for a glimpse.   Only on the last day of the vacation before classes I looked at myself in the mirror. My appearance left a lot to be desired. Before the vacation. Now it was possible to throw in my address something like looks like death warmed over. I forced myself to wash thoroughly and tidy up my hair and dress. That was the end of my strength. I didn't know when Phillip would arrive, but I could probably count on seeing him at class tomorrow.   Really, that was all I could count on. The library hours were done, Phillip would deal with the fire himself — there was no reason to see me. I was drifting off into a disturbing dream again.   I was the first to arrive in Potions class. I sat down in the far corner and waited. The room was slowly filling up with students who were eager to discuss the news, the ball, and other nonsense.   The professor came in, but Phillip was still not here.   ‘Well,’ Stephania Andreyevna looked around at the young people. ‘Where is a monitor?’   ‘I'm here!’ Phillip came running in, out of breath.   ‘Wonderful! Did you make a place arrangement for this semester?’   In Potions we worked in pairs, all except me — the number of students in the group was odd. The professor required us to switch pairs every six months, so we'd learn to work together, but not parasitize each other.   ‘Of course.’ Phillip began to read out the pairs and the number of the caldron they were to work at.   There was discontent: some were not happy about the pairing, some didn't like the place; but there were cheers too. Especially when a guy got one of the attractive girls in the group. The girls behaved more reservedly, but it was pretty easy to read everything on their faces. I waited for the end of the list, where I would be assigned a caldron to work on, but actually looked at Phillip.   Finally he said my name, then his own, and Ivan, the guy who was going to be working by himself this semester.   The audience was filled with the noise of their own appointments so no one immediately realized what had happened at the end.   ‘Well done, Philip.’ Praised the professor. ‘Very effective arrangement. Now get to your seats and open textbooks on page eight. The topic of the next classes is Mushroom Potion. Today you need to boil the broth for the potion, this is the first twelve ingredients on the list and the first five phases. You may start.’   The students scattered around the room, casting oblique glances at the corner where our caldron stood and talking in whispers. Ivan made the most noise, he was not very gifted academically and always counted on his partner. He puffed loudly and resented that he didn't have all the ingredients.   ‘Seliverstov.’ Ivan managed to piss off the professor almost at once. ‘Everyone has all the ingredients, and you don't. Go complain and, preferably, don't come back. And if you still want to work, open the visual dictionary and check the names with the pictures first. Only then come close to the cabinet with materials. If you make any more noise, I'll be happy to invite your father to the academy.’   Not another sound was heard from Seliverstov.   ‘Hi.’ Phillip said, when the excitement about the new seating plan had died down a little — no one wanted to get under the professor's hot hand, and we were left in relative peace for a while.   ‘Hi.’   ‘Are you sick?’   I shook my head negative after a slight hesitation. I couldn't think fast enough. Besides, he — so handsome — was so close.   ‘Are you sick?’   ‘I'm fine now.’ I exhaled quietly and tried to smile.   Phillip gave me a long look and focused on the caldron for a moment, pouring in just the right amount of water.   ‘I ask the questions.’ He whispered. ‘You answer.’   I nodded, pouring powdered pine needles into the pot.   ‘You haven't eaten much?’   My head felt foggy, so my tongue turned slowly.   ‘Yes.’ ‘Did you sleep little?’   ‘No. On the contrary, I slept a lot.’   ‘Did you go out?’   ‘No.’   ‘Have you practised much with the elements?’   ‘No. Not at all.’ I mumbled.   It was the first time I'd ever had to work so hard to answer a question.   ‘Did you study for assignments?’   ‘No.’   ‘Read?’   ‘All the time. If I wasn't sleeping.’   That was the end of the conversation. We'd finished the broth and were waiting for the professor's check. Well, Phillip had finished, I wasn't much of use. Toward the end, I almost spoilt everything by pouring yarrow in the potion. Phillip held back my arm hovering over the caldron in time, stopping me.   The professor was satisfied with Phillip's work and allowed everyone to leave.   ‘You.’ Philip said clearly, so that I could hear in the noise. ‘Eat well in the dining hall.’ It sounded like an order. ‘If you stay as sluggish and weak as you are, I won't be able to ask you to practise fire magic with me. There are questions piling up over the vacation and I need help. However.’ He glanced at me. ‘You need it more. So I can't ask.’   ‘I'm fine.’ I tried to answer with more energy and focus.   ‘You can tell.’   ‘Just a couple of days.’ I grasped at a straw. ‘Give me a couple of days.’   Phillip nodded.   ***   My appetite woke up. Maybe it was the fact that in the distance I could see my own deity again. He looked better over the vacation. The vacation's been good for him.   We're going to study together again. I happily pushed a savory piece of baked ham into my mouth. Whether it was the food or Phillip, my mind began to clear up.   Why had he decided to take Potions with me? Didn't he realize that such a choice would not be approved by the others? It wouldn't be good for his status. I should probably talk to him about it.   Dinner was over. I hurriedly cleared the dishes away and headed to class. History was next, and I wanted to be in the room before Phillip. Maybe if the guys decided to get to the bottom of the odd choice, it would be me, not him, who would get lumps.   The thought appealed to me, except I was wrong. No one cared about me. The guys who'd come back from lunch were squinting at me and chuckling, but they didn't seem to have any intention of starting a talk.   Phillip was in the classroom, accompanied by his friends, glanced around, catching my eye, and headed for his seat.   ‘So what was that, Mr Monitor?’ Elena suddenly appeared in front of his desk.   By all accounts she was considered the most beautiful girl in the group, and it was her that Philllip had invited to the first winter ball. Everyone had predicted that the two of them would make a wonderful couple, but for some reason it didn't work out. Elena continued to hover near him, and I could see her undisguised interest, which she tried to conceal with a joking flirtation.   The girl tossed her blond hair over her shoulder and stared at Phillip.   ‘What are you talking about?’ He asked evenly, continuing to pull out the items for the class from his bag.   ‘What is this ridiculous seating arrangement? Why did you leave Vanya alone?’   ‘That's right!’ Ivan, who had been watching closely, and who obviously had not been very happy with the monitor after the morning's events, was there in a flash.   I didn't like it — it was exactly what I feared.   ‘What am I going to do alone?’   ‘Study.’ Phillip said through gritted teeth.   Ivan clenched his fists and the jaw.   I tensed up.   ‘Boys, boys, don't take it so close to heart.’ Elena said conciliatingly, putting her hand on Ivan's strong shoulder, and he relaxed a little. ‘Phillip, it was all right, though. Martha has always worked alone, and probably won't refuse now.’ She said, turning to me. ‘Martha, you don't mind working on your own, do you?’ ‘I don't mind.’ I got up from my seat hurrying to agree.   ‘You see.’ Elena smiled, pleased that she was having such a good conversation. ‘She doesn't mind.’   ‘I do mind.’ Phillip said in a tone that didn't tolerate objections, leaned back in his chair, and stared at Elena.   ‘Why, may I ask?   ‘Martha had been working alone for three and a half years.’ ‘So?’ As if she didn't understand, Elena stretched out, fixing her fluffy bangs with her hand — she always wore a thick hairpiece, pinning it to her hair so that her hair lay perfectly.   ‘So that's it.’ He said flatly. ‘If you don't like my decisions, it's easy to elect for monitor someone else.’   Excitement made me feel a little sickh. I'd seen these moments before, when Phillip had shown a firmness of character. Once he made a decision, nothing could shake it.   How marvelous he is being steadfast. I couldn't help but admire. I just felt bad that the friction with the guys was over something as insignificant as me.   ‘Why are you getting so worked up?’ Elena immediately backtracked. ‘Can't even ask. You're such a prince.’ She said, walking around and touching his shoulder. ‘You can't leave a lady in distress.’   Phillip did not answer anything. At that moment the professor came in and asked everyone to sit down, wishing to start the class a little earlier.   For the next couple of days, life finally came back to me. I was still watching Phillip as carefully as ever. Eating well and puzzling over Phillip's difficulties with fire.   At the next potions class, I didn't hold back.   ‘I'm already feeling great. If you still have questions, I'd be happy to help.’ I whispered quietly over the bubbling caldron.   Phillip nodded.   ‘Tonight at the library? At seven?’   ‘Yes, of course.’   When I arrived at the appointed place at the appointed hour, I found Phillip in the main hall, where we'd worked before.   ‘Hi.’ I said again.   ‘Hi.’ He said.   I had seen him before, but it was different now, and I wanted to say the simple greeting again. It was so sweet to greet him each time.   He had already changed. It wasn't necessary to wear a uniform after class. Phillip was wearing light, loose-fitting gray pants and a straight beige shirt with a vest thrown over it. He looked simple, unassuming, but it suited him just fine.   ‘How was your vacation?’ He asked, bringing me back down to earth.   I shrugged, not expecting the question.   ‘Nothing much.’   ‘Did you miss me?’ He asked suddenly, embarrassed by the faint blush on his cheekbones.   ‘Very much.’ Wasn't that obvious?   I lowered myself across from him, sitting down at the table.   ‘You could have made yourself sick.’ he said judgmentally.   ‘I'm sorry.’   ‘Don't do it again.’   I looked at him and thought. Then don't go away again. Be by my side day in and day out, and that's the only way I can promise.   It was basically impossible.   It used to be a little different. I used to admire him from afar, help him secretly, and dream of meeting him again in the summer. That was before I had the chance to spemd time with him. Before he let me touch his hand in the library, before he came to my room, before he let me watch as much as I wanted.   ‘I wanted to thank you for your help with the exam, or exams.’ He added and handed me a long box.   Under the lid, I saw a thin metal string and a black rose.   ‘It's so beautiful.’ I said and looked up.   Phillip frowned and immediately grabbed his books, saying he had a lot of questions. He rambled and stammered a bit, but after a few minutes he calmed down and we were able to discuss fire spells.   Already finishing up, I made up my mind:   ‘Phillip...’   ‘Yes.’ He was making notes about what we would discuss in a couple of days — we agreed on the next meeting.   ‘I think I'm better off working on Potions alone.’   He hesitated, a heavy ink drop stained the sheet in front.   Phillip set the quill aside, then closed the inkwell, and only then did he answer me with a question:   ‘Do you care what I think?’   ‘Of course I do.’   ‘Then we'll stay together. At Potions’ I could see the tension in his face.   ‘But it could ruin your relationships with the other guys — remember that conversation? And we work here in plain sight.’ I looked around the hall/   Phillip folded his hands in front of him on the table and interlaced his fingers. ‘I don't care what anyone thinks.’ He said, not looking up from his own hands. ‘And I don't want to hear your opinion about it.’   His gaze finally broke from the table, and he looked at me.   ‘Any objections?’   I shook my head in the negative.   ‘That's fine.’   With those words, he got up and walked away.   I turned in my chair and stared after him.   Elena was right — he was a true prince.   Perfect.