Fangirl

Phillip asked me to the ball. He was so sweet at that moment. Excited, embarrassed, touching. It made my stomach tingle with pleasure; I'll never forget that open, vulnerable look in his eyes. Naturally, he wanted to thank me for helping him with the fire. He almost glowed when the spell succeeded and, inspired by his own success, he wanted to play with the fire element some more. He would succeed further, I had no doubt. But putting his tender neck on the scaffold of public opinion over such a trifle was not worth it. He was too kind, of course, and he must have wanted to return the favor inviting me, but I couldn't accept the sacrifice. My refusal seemed to upset him, so he ran away. Perhaps I should have thanked him for the honor. What if he misunderstood me and thought I didn't want to. No, it was too unbelievable to imagine, but still, I saw his extreme agitation and hoped I wasn't the cause of it. On the other hand, there was no one else. I caught up with Phillip in the classroom. Came up from behind and put my hand on his shoulder. The boy flinched and jumped back. ‘Spirits, Martha!’ ‘I'm sorry, I frightened you.’ I said, upset and looking truly penitent. ‘You walk very quietly.’ He said conciliatingly, and took a small step closer, seemingly trying to show me that even though I'd scared him, he wouldn't run away like he had on the road. ‘I'm sorry.’ ‘Don't apologize. It's not your fault I didn't notice. Did you want something?’ ‘Yeah, I was wondering why you're upset.’ Phillip's golden eyebrow rose slightly. 'I think it's obvious. Getting rejected by a girl is not too much pleasant.’ ‘Phillip, you do realize that going to the ball with me means you'll be the object of ridicule and bullying for the rest of your studying.’ ‘Nonsense.’ He said with his chin stubbornly up. ‘Not a nonsense at all, and you know it yourself. I can't let your gratitude go that far.’ ‘Gratitude?’ There was a look of puzzlement on his face. ‘I know you're grateful for my help with the fire, but you can't fix my reputation, and you can easily ruin yours by coming to the ball with me.’ He was still staring at my face, and only after a moment did he speak: ‘Gratitude, a-ha.’ Now I didn't understand. ‘A thank you would be more than enough. I couldn't ask for more.’ ‘I'm sorry, Martha, I'm not thinking straight today. You mean, you don't want to go to the ball with me because it would damage my reputation?’ ‘Of course.’ I nodded affirmatively. ‘I see.’ That was the end of the conversation. There was a distant echo of footsteps outside, and we went separate ways. Phillip behaved as he always did, except that we continued to work in the library together from early morning on all the remaining free days. Thus, ended the year. Phillip, of course, passed his exam with flying colors. I was a little worried, but I had faith in him, and I wasn't wrong. I wished I could have come up and congratulated him openly like the others did. Alas, that was impossible. Though he winked at me when our gazes met. The next day, the academy was buzzing with excitement for the upcoming ball. I only left my room for breakfast and lunch. The dining hall was always lively, but on the eve of the festivities anticipation swirled in the air saturating the walls. Students were especially loud in their conversations, laughing and grimacing, trying to attract as much attention as possible. Voices were deafeningly loud, eyes burning with excessive revelation. I wouldn't have gone out at all, but this day it was the only chance to see Phillip, since I wasn't going to the ball, nor had I been in previous years. Phillip was sitting at the table with his friends as usual, only unlike them, he wasn't excited; it was obvious. Leaning forward, showing polite interest in the conversation, he smiled. They were joking about something, Phillip seemed to be getting a friendly nudge. He was wearing a charming smile, playing with his eyebrows and looking as stunning as ever. Who he was going to the ball with, I never found out. Usually the guys in the group talked about everything, but Phillip's date this year remained incognito. I could hear the girls asking each other if anyone had heard, but I guess the secret was safe. Past weekend we finished our work in the library. Phillip questioned me about a couple of obscure points in a little book he'd consulted. We chatted and parted. It seemed my fairy tale time was over. I tried not to be discouraged, fate had already offered me unprecedented gifts this year. I stayed almost to the end of the meal, looked at Phillip, grabbed a couple of buns and apples, since I could only eat dinner at the ball, and went to my room. It took forever to get down the hall. All the doors were wide open, linens and rags hanging everywhere; a nightmarish mess. The girls were running from room to room, squabbling about everything, as if they were going to perform in front of the high magicians. Those, by the way, were invited to the ball, too. Finally I reached the end of the hallway. My room was the last one, as of a true outcast should be. I gladly locked myself in, and, leaving the food on the table, fell on my bed, hoping that the ball would start as soon as possible and  blissful silence would finally set in. It took another two hours for my dream come true. ‘Holly spirits!’ I pulled out one of heavy volumes I'd brought from home this year and delved into reading. After about half an hour, there was a knock on the door. I put the book aside and went to open it. It was Phillip. ‘Hi.’ He said, shyly. I ducked out to see if anyone was in the hallway. It was empty. I grabbed the guy by the pecs and pulled him inside; guys, like girls, weren't allowed in each other's private rooms. ‘Hey.’ ‘Do you mind if I come in?’ ‘Uh, no.’ ‘Could I read at your place?’ ‘Sure.’ Phillip went into the room and looked around very slowly. At that moment I regretted giving permission so easily. I glanced around, afraid to think what Phillip would imagine about me. ‘Nice.’ He said tautly, turning to me with a strange expression on his face. ‘Did you want to say ‘creepy’?’ ‘Yeah, I guess so.’ I couldn't blame Phillip. What could he think when he saw all the pentagrams hanging on the walls; skulls, elongated and fanged, large ones of wolves and bears, small ones of squirrels and cats; thick black candles with hairy wicks that burned with a crackle and gave off a peculiar odor; flasks and glass jars that held specimens of two-headed salamanders and white albino scorpions in a yellow jelly-like mummifying liquid; crickets and cockroaches, dried and strung on threads, hung from nails under the ceiling, together with dried chicken feet and quinoa. The bed, with carved fittings in the shape of lion's heads, was covered with a black coverlet, as was the armchair opposite. The furniture was separated by a small table next to the window, the same one should be in Phillip's room. But his was hardly a table with jars of fatty toad secretions, dried fly wings, mashed slugs, and other similar delights. I froze like a pillar of salt. I may have been strange, but my room was the true lair of the queen of worms, as they called the witch. ‘Are you trying to scare someone?’ He asked. ‘Yes, I am!’ And it wasn't an empty excuse that had come so conveniently. ‘How did you figure it out?’ Phillip shrugged his shoulders. ‘Intuition. So who are these decorations for?’ ‘The other girls.’ ‘Are they bothering you?’ ‘Not anymore. It was at first. They broke into my room a few times in freshman year, ruined my clothes, wrote on the walls, stained the furniture. So I took care of it.’ ‘Mentally crushed?’ ‘More like intimidated. They even brought the commandant and the dean, but I managed to explain the problem and my unusual solution to each of them.’ ‘Really unusual.’ He picked up one of the jars, sniffed it, and recoiled. ‘Have a seat.’ I suggested, pointing to the chair when there was a pause. ‘I'll be here for a couple of hours. Then I'll disappear; I don't want you to get in trouble.’ I smiled. I wanted to say ‘stay forever’, but I restrained my inappropriate enthusiasm. Phillip opened his book, and I sat down on the bed and groaned. ‘If you're uncomfortable in my presence, I'll leave.’ Phillip didn't overlook my hesitation. ‘No, I was thinking about my own thing.’ ‘Girl stuff?’ ‘That's right.’ We both burst out laughing. I picked up the book I'd left behind, made myself comfortable on the bed, and continued reading. We'd gotten used to being quiet together very quickly during the time in the library, and it wasn't awkward at all. I was surprised that he hadn't run away screaming when he saw my room, and that he'd even guessed what it was all about. Phillip's incredible. I smiled, occasionally glancing furtively over the book. I could see he was sneaking glances, too.