The show must go on

Miss Macrophage had another brilliant project going on: her very own talk-show to which she was inviting various cells, asking them awkward questions, touching important social issues, and so on. It was supposed that the show would become crazy popular, but, no matter how she tried, things weren't going that smoothly at all. Her companion, co-author, cameraman and part-time worker Dendritic Cell suggested to present something provocative. "If we don't, we'll have no other choice than to cancel the show," he stated with regret. So they kept their ears open, searching for something suitable with all their might, something they could present as a real sensation. Soon, such a chance was found by sheer coincidence, and they couldn't wait to see the viewers' reactions to it. For the new episode of the talk-show, they invited the neutrophil U-1146, the red blood cell AE3803, the T-Killer (there were no other volunteers for some reason), and also a special guest who should be their main trump card, awaiting his time in the studio's back room. Miss Macrophage was entering the scene and clutching her microphone enthusiastically, looking ahead to all the furor she would cause this time. Having breathed in as deeply as she could, she cheerfully made her appearance, accompanied by a fun, sappy melody, stood in the halo of the colorful spotlights and began, with a bright smile: "Greetings to you, my dear viewers. It's me again, your host Macrophage. Today's topics will be 'Idols and fans. Who's dating? How is your opinion on various pairings? Can all cells live together in peace?' and a lot more. We have wonderful guests today in our studio." She theatrically spread her arm, pointing at her current victims of the show-business. "Allow me to introduce them: the neutrophil U-1146, the erythrocyte AE3803, and the T-Killer. Let's greet them!" Sparse applause resounded through the studio. The sound engineer, an endothelial cell, who was working part-time there, wanted to fix that by adding some recorded clapping, but pressed the wrong button and produced laughter instead. Luckily, no one seemed to have noticed. The macrophage in the meantime praised the gifts that would await the participants of the show, made by their sponsor, a platelet-club named "Skillful Hands", and continued: "Perhaps this is going to be unexpected for some of you, but our dear guests already managed to become popular, each one of them having a whole bunch of fans by now. What do you say to that?" She held out the microphone to AE3803. "Eh... u-uhm..." the latter uttered and froze. The macrophage moved on to the neutrophil. "Unexpected, indeed," he admitted. "Yeah, really!" agreed the T-Killer even before his turn. The macrophage winked at her guests and went on: "A lot of your fans are interested in some aspects of your daily life: is there anyone you're dating or would like to date?" "Well..." The neutrophil peeked over to AE3803 and started blushing. "Oh, I have no clue..." the latter said, waving her hands. "I've no time for such nonsense," grumbled the T-Killer, glaring at the audience where the T-Helper was sitting and enjoying a cup of tea no one knew where he had gotten it from (brought from home, maybe?), not caring about the program shootings. "Now, don't be shy! Our viewers are all wondering who'll get together with whom. And you know what?" "What?" asked the participants at once. "They're already making guesses and losing themselves in them," the macrophage replied solemnly and spun around her axis, as if performing some ballet pas. "Let's start with you two!" She pointed the microphone at U-1146 and AE3803. The neutrophil and the red blood cell exchanged glances of confusion. The host continued: "Right from the beginning of the series, there was already a romantic line noticeable between the two of you." "Really?" inquired AE. "Oh..." sighed the neutrophil, taking off his cap and starting to crumple it awkwardly in his hands. "However, that line somehow came to naught, making the disappointed viewers create different versions, one more incredible than the other," said the macrophage, not even thinking about listening to her guests. She widened her eyes, pretending to be surprised, and explained: "First, they speculated that Miss AE3803 just couldn't resist the charm of our valiant Squad Leader." She pointed at the T-Killer.  "Of course," the latter agreed, smiling widely due to all that praise. But then he realized the entire meaning of what had been said. "Wait, what?" "Are you dating our Miss Erythrocyte?" the macrophage wanted to know, while AE was desperately waving her hands behind her, blinking and almost falling from her chair. "Why should I, all of a sudden?" asked the T-Killer. "So are you two in a serious relationship?" the macrophage insisted. "The basophilic grandma are you talking about?!" He got upset. "Me? With her?" He rudely pointed his finger at AE3803. "Never!" "Yes, yes," AE nodded in agreement. "Never... ever…" "Well then, my dear viewers," the host shrugged. "As you can see, that version is incorrect. Let's move on to the next. Alright, the next thing our viewers suspect is that there are deeper feelings between our neutrophil U-1146 and the T-Killer. Is that so?" "What?" U-1146 was taken aback. "Wut?!" The T-Killer exclaimed as well. "And why's that?" The macrophage showed an especially mysterious smile and purred into the microphone: "Well, you punched him into the face with so much passion. Out of jealousy, right?" "I did that because he was so dang annoying, that's it," the T-Killer explained the obvious. The neutrophil, in the meantime, unconsciously placed his hand on his cheek, still remembering the powerful slap he had gotten from that fighter of the T cell special forces. "And there is really nothing more behind it?" the macrophage inquired, disappointed, looking at the neutrophil and the T-Killer with hope. "No!" they both replied in unison. "So," the host did a pause to add to the effect. "These two are denying everything that might have happened between them. Well, well! A bit too unanimously, don't you think?" She smiled cunningly, accompanied by the T-Killer's protests that were quickly silenced by the epic music turned on by the sound engineer. And the macrophage announced, in an especially loud and solemn voice: "The most interesting things are still waiting for us. We will be back after the commercial break. Stay with us!" On the screen appeared an image of breast cells, and an "Only the best and only natural. Say yes to breastfeeding!" resounded through the studio. The audience relaxed a bit, left their seats and started talking. The T-Helper continued to drink his tea, not worried in the slightest that he might not be able to hold on until the end of the show. "Good that we aren't participating," said the B Lymphocyte to Memory Cell, making himself comfortable on his seat. "Only a complete idiot could have agreed to this," he heard someone say behind him. It was NK, having fun watching the T-Killer. "Instead we got the invitation cards for free," replied Memory Cell. "I don't even remember when I last went somewhere." "You're right," agreed the B Lymphocyte. "It says here that a special guest is going to come today." He took his card out of his pocket and shook it. "I wonder who it might be. What do you think?" "No clue, to be honest" Memory Cell started to think. "If that guest's really that important, then maybe a brain cell?" "Oh, please, as if they'd come down here," snorted the B Lymphocyte. "I'm curious as well," NK chimed in. "Otherwise I'd already have left this third-rate show long ago." "Let me remind you of our sponsor, the platelet-club 'Skillful hands'," said the host. Cheerful platelets appeared on the screen and yelled in unison: "We welcome everyone!", and after that, the show continued with its next round. Before going on with the topic of who was dating whom, Miss Macrophage started to ask embarrassing questions about the participants' sexual preferences, making all three of them blush. Though this wasn't very noticeable on our Miss Red Blood Cell due to the hemoglobin, she started to hiccup loudly from awkwardness instead. The other two, in the meantime, the neutrophil and the T-Killer, weren't making any sounds at all. Seeing that she wouldn't get anything concrete out of them and that the viewers were already getting bored, the macrophage decided to pass on to the most important part. Right after a commercial break.  "Are you planning to do mitosis? Yes? But do you have everything prepared for your future clone? Purchase our gift set for clones right now, and you will get a twenty percent discount and a comb set absolutely for free!" And while a pleasant voice was talking about said comb set that a happy cell and their clone were shown holding on the screen, the macrophage took a deep breath. The participants and viewers still had to be prepared for the appearance of that special guest who should become the highlight of the program. She collected her thoughts, arranged her dress and stepped out on the stage again, as soon as the ad was over, with a gorgeous smile on her face. "And now, a more sensitive topic is awaiting us. We will keep talking about relationships and... find out whether any of our dear guests was having illicit feelings towards the enemy!" she announced. "Our brave immune cells had only recently fought a desperate battle against a cancer cell. And it needs to be mentioned that a lot of questions still remain unanswered. Some say that the cancer cell confessed his love to the neutrophil. Is this really true?" "No, of course not!" U-1146 was horrified. "Nope." The T-Killer widened his eyes. "He was almost torn in half there. What love, for hell's sake?!" "Well, the enemy could have acted like that out of desperation, because they can't be together..." the macrophage continued to drop hints. "What are you talking about?!" the T-Killer exploded. AE3803, who had been staring at all of them with astonishment, finally stopped doing that, inclined towards U-1146 and whispered:  "Leukocyte-kun, is there something I need to know?" "This is a misunderstanding, I swear by my mother, the Stem Cell!" he replied, startled. "So the fact that he pierced you with his tentacle doesn't count?" "No." U-1146 shook his head. "At least, I hope so," he muttered to himself. "This means you are still denying any developement of affection between you and our shared enemy?" the macrophage kept plaguing the neutrophil, cruelly making eyes at the T-Killer in the meantime. "Of course!" both guys answered at the same time. "Oh my, what a coordinated answer once again!" the macrophage exclaimed in delight, winking at the viewers once more. They promptly hung up a banner she had prepared earlier with the inscription "Neutrophil plus T-Killer", decorated with little hearts. U-1146 barely resisted the urge to chew on his cap, and the T-Killer facepalmed and cursed under his breath. The only thing AE3803 managed to hear was his wish that antigens would do something very unpleasant to the macrophage and her show in every possible position. The host, however, continued to torment her victims, uhm, sorry, guests, without any shame, almost leading the neutrophil to commit apoptosis with her questions about whom he loved more, the T-Killer or the cancer cell. And as she was inquiring for the hundredth time, approaching and threatening him with the microphone, asking "But it's true, isn't it? It is, right?", U-1146 couldn't take it anymore and screamed through the entire studio, revealing himself to the fullest: "This cannot be! I love Red-chan!" AE3803 stared at him, wide-eyed, and her senpai's voice came from the auditorium: "Yeah, we know". "Soooo this is it theeen!" exclaimed the host, and, feeling that it was finally time for today's show's biggest surprise, raised her microphone's volume to such a point that the viewers almost went deaf and proclaimed very loudly and solemnly: "Let's ask another witness of the recent events for his opinion. Ladies and gentlemen, here comes our special guest: cancer cell!" To the sounds of fanfare and the frenzy of the lights and music, the cancer cell entered the stage a bit hesitantly. Everyone's jaws dropped. The T-Helper almost spilled his cup's content on the head of the cell sitting in front of him, U-1146 and AE3803 let out an "Eeh...", and the T-Killer said "F***!" and then pronounced such a complex unprintable expression that the episode ended up shortened by two whole minutes after the censorship had cut it out. The ones who were watching it live, regretted not having written it down in time. Happy about the effect she had caused, the macrophage placed her cancerous guest on a chair that had been brought up to him and immediately started to question him. "It's no secret for anyone that you had your reasons for going against the entire organism. You were born defective and were constantly insulted, humiliated and even almost killed." "Yes... indeed," agreed the special guest, glaring at everyone. "But admit that even your soul had a little place left for feelings towards our valiant worker of the immune system." The macrophage pointed at the neutrophil, and the viewers started aahing and oohing. The neutrophil paled so much like probably no other white blood cell had done before, and then even became transparent, letting the others see his entire organelles. The auditorium was making excited noises. "Why aren't you doing anything?" asked the B Lymphocyte, turning to the NK cell and staring at her reproachfully, together with his friend. "I want to see the ending of this," she answered. "But I admit that my receptor is bugging me!" The T-Helper in the meantime gave a few signs: one to the T-Killer to sit still and a second to his assistant, the Regulatory T-Cell, who briefly nodded and left. Then he tensely watched the farce heated up by the macrophage while nervously chewing on the edge of his cup. "How do you think she managed to convince the cancer cell to come?" AE3803 asked, tugging at U-1146's sleeve, and genuinely wondering how something like that was possible. Just where did Miss Macrophage get this special guest from? "Knowing Miss Macrophage, I am sure that she would've even managed to convince the devil," he replied, sighing and avoiding to look into her direction. He was horribly embarrassed. *** The Mast Cell was switching channels and grumbling that there was nothing decent to watch. She stopped for a while at the talk-show, exclaimed "Just look at this trash! How can they show something like this?", but still didn't turn off the TV, instead staring at the screen where the poor cancer cell was narrating his sad life story and bemoaning the unhappy love towards the neutrophil his predecessor had suffered from and passed on to him, his clone. The abashed neutrophil kept denying everything and was, judging by his appearance, ready to be swallowed up by every tissue possible to escape that shame. Next to him, AE3803 was blinking with fear and the T-Killer gritting his teeth. "So what do you think about the pairing U-1146 and cancer cell?" the macrophage asked the latter. "Makes me wanna puke," he answered honestly. And the macrophage continued her talk-show, torturing her guests with questions like a sadist. AE3803 was the luckiest: after having been asked for her opinion about a possible relationship between the neutrophil and the cancer cell and having replied with a timid "How horrible!", the host immediately "forgot" about her and concentrated on the others. Not that the macrophage was really that cruel by nature, but the show-business was merciless and unforgiving. So she was doing everything to raise the ratings, and this is why she had decided to do all this. "...But you wanted to see the cancer cell again, right?" she went on. "And in order to do this, you headed to his new lair, didn't you?" "Not at all," the neutrophil repeated for the umpteenth time, feeling that this didn't sound very convincing. "Then allow me to ask what you were doing there, then. Fighting cancer cells isn't a neutrophil's job." "Uhm... I..." U-1146 was at a loss. To be honest, he didn't know himself why he had gone there together with the cytotoxic lymphocytes. "I see," said the macrophage and nodded. "You don't want to admit your feelings, because you fear being judged by society." She spun on her heels into the cancer cell's direction: "And how about you? You are getting a unique chance to confess your love right here, live! What do you have to lose, after all?" "Leukocyte-kun is so cute, I'd like to become his friend. And not only his friend," muttered the cancer cell, getting even more embarrassed. "It seemed that concerning my original version, he didn't mind... getting to know each other a bit better." "And here comes the next topic of our show: 'Is it possible for all cells to live together in peace?' Stay with us! We'll be right back after a commercial break." During the commercials, the viewers couldn't sit still anymore and attacked the macrophage with questions about what she was planning to do with the cancer cell. No way she was going to let him go, right? The macrophage calmed them down, assuring that everything was under control and also showing the spray can she was keeping in her pocket with the sign "TNF. Please shake before use". "Don't worry, we'll destroy him right after the show," she said so quietly the special guest couldn't hear her. In the meantime, the cancer cell, who had never seen commercials before, was closely watching an ad of a vitamin-protein shake and licking his lips. The macrophage had to promise to buy him one in order to continue the show. "Well then, let's hear how things are really going on in the organism right now. Does everyone still hate the cancer cell and not wish to live peacefully together?" "Wooooo!" was the audience's reply. The macrophage continued: "We conducted a survey, and, surprisingly, it turns out that the cancer cell has a whole bunch of fans! Unbelievable but true!" "Wooooo?" reacted the audience, expecting some banal explanation behind that bold statement. "What do you think about this?" the host turned to the cancer cell. "Pretty much unexpected, isn't it? Are you happy?" "Ooh... I'm on cloud nine." The special guest was beaming and started gurgling with satisfaction. The macrophage immediately pronounced a short yet fiery speech about equality and brotherhood, and went on: "One cell even tried to become friends with a virus." A moan from the audience: "Do you really need to keep reminding me of that?" The macrophage, however, greedily attacked the viewer, who had revealed himself so conveniently, and skillfully coaxed everything out of him about what he had done together with the infected cell back then. What followed, were of course solemn promises by the T-Killer to repay him for all these dirty little tricks, and the neutrophil's assurance that he wasn't angry. In the meantime, the cancer cell, to whom nobody was paying much attention anymore, somehow started to behave weirdly. Weirder than he usually did. "Let me remind you of our sponsor, the platelet-club "Skillful hands", that has prepared all these wonderful gifts for us," said the macrophage, pointing at the table with said presents and finally letting the poor viewer in peace, who was clearly regretting having come to the show. "And let's return to the main topic of today's episode!" She looked at Dendritic Cell, who was indicating to her from behind the scenes that the broadcasting time was reaching its end. So she presented a few ardent phrases she had prepared and decided to call it a day. Also, the guests and viewers had started to get bored already. "Alright, time to sum up the results," she said, hearing the others sigh from relief. "What do you think, could we peacefully coexist with neighbors like our special guest? I'm sure you have thought well about it. So what is your final answer?" "No." The neutrophil shook his head, peeking at the cancer cell with slight guilt in his eyes. "Nope!" AE3803 said, shaking her head and waving around her hands to look more convincing. "I'd rather work my entire life in the large intestine than agree to this!" spat the T-Killer. "Well, then," replied the macrophage with elaborate disappointment. "As you can see, our guests have all the same opinion on this topic, but..." She paused, giggled and winked at the viewers once again. "What unanimity!" The Dendrocyte pointed at the clock, ran his finger across his throat and then moved his arm into the direction of the presents, indicating that it was time to give them out and say goodbye. "However, everything is possible. And the cancer cell's fans could serve as an example." The macrophage was already heading to the table with the presents, as the special guest widened his lips into a creepy ugly grin and gurgled even louder, behaving even more weirdly than before. But before the macrophage could come to an end, mention the sponsor again and handle out the commemorative gifts the latter had made, the cancer cell suddenly started to divide uncontrollably from sheer happiness, screamed out "I want to become friends with you all!" and attacked the viewers. This was the moment when the organizers realized that something had gone wrong. U-1146 and the T-Killer reacted on the spot: the neutrophil grabbed AE3803 and carried her to a safe place, and the T-Killer gave a few clones standing nearby some good punches. His colleagues stormed into the studio, and NK Cell, who had been on a chandelier for whatever reason, jumped to the ground. Let the fun start!  The studio ended up being ravaged during the fight, and someone accidentally cut a cable. Until the emergency lighting turned on, everything went on in complete darkness, accompanied by the noise of broken equipment, punches, and screams like: "What are you doing? It's me!" The immune cells did what they could, but the special guest still managed to get away. The cancer cell successfully escaped, also taking all the gifts with him. The unlucky show organizers decided to follow his example and quickly fled as well, leaving their project shattered into ruins. *** After the show, the T-Killer found the macrophage and Dendritic Cell. He couldn't wait to give them a piece of his mind and already opened his mouth, but was interrupted by the macrophage: "We'll discuss that unfortunate incident, of course, but later. We have a brand-new project right now!" "Yep," agreed the dendrocyte behind her. "Not even one free minute for us, what can you do!" "So, unfortunately, we have to excuse ourselves," they said in unison. "As they say: the show must go on." And then our dear antigen-presenting cells ran away, leaving the fuming T-Killer behind. * * * P.S. The cancer cell was hiding in his new shelter, an abandoned rundown room in a closed, dilapidated building, and examining his honestly stolen presents. Nothing of value, just stupid souvenirs. Suddenly, someone knocked at the door. The cancer cell didn't hurry to go open, hoping that this someone just had the wrong address. There was knocking again, and then silence. The cancer cell peeked out with curiosity and spotted a pretty big package at the doorstep, wrapped as a gift and with a card, saying "With love from your fans" attached to it. He happily dragged it inside and unwrapped it, discovering a big box with a chocolate cake. Oh, what joy! As it seemed, he really did have a bunch of fans. With no more doubt left that this cake was indeed for him, he started to lick off the whipped cream with relish, dreaming about meeting his fans as soon as possible to become friends with everyone. Suddenly, the top part of the cake flew aside, and NK jumped out, screaming "Surprise!" and drawing her sword. The daydreaming cancer cell didn't even have the time to realize what was going on. But it seemed that he died happy…