The B Lymphocyte's Diary

Greetings to you, dear reader! If you're reading this diary, then this means that either I'm already dead or that some bastard like Dendritic Cell has stolen it from me. Unfortunately, I don't have time to write my memoirs, so here are a few very short notes about myself and other things, as much as I'll manage to write down. So let's start: I have a good life. Well, almost. I live in a small apartment together with the Mast Cell. She's always berating me for whatever reason and hitting me on the head with everything she can find. My superiors don't appreciate me and don't notice my accomplishments, not to mention that they recently cancelled my project about upgrading my immunoglobulin cannon. But I'm stoically enduring all this, even though it doesn't get better at all. * * * Today turned out to be especially hard. I didn't get a minute of peace, neither at work nor at home. And everyone wanted something from me! So when the Basophil arrived and started to make my head hurt with his wise sayings, I already wasn't surprised at all. * * * The Basophil returned, saying that he had forgotten his umbrella. Then came Eosinophil, apologizing and blushing for a long time, but still without telling me what she wanted. The Dendrocyte arrived, to show me cool photos. And next, Memory Cell. But he forgot the reason for his visit and left again. Then a bacterium. I drenched it in antibodies and sprayed it with pepper spray from behind the door. Something should help. After this, a macrophage came and asked if I had seen a strange bacterium with teary, reddened eyes. I said no. Then the T-Helper appeared, wanting to know whether I could get to work earlier tomorrow. And then T-Killers, who invited me to go out for drinking. What I pity that I had to refuse, but how should I get earlier to work otherwise? Next, the Regulatory T-Cell came, asking me to pass on something to the commander if I happen to see him earlier than her. Then, platelets, inquiring if I had seen their nanny... A real thoroughfare, I swear! It almost made me want to move away from here. Now, the stress hormone arrived. I pretended to not be home. Memory Cell returned, having remembered that he wanted to borrow some salt from me. Of course, not without starting a talk about predictions and prophecies. I barely managed to get him to leave, promising to pour the salt down his back. And in the end, the Mast Cell came... Good grief, just why didn't I die in the bone marrow? * * * Wanted to play cards with my lymphocyte-friends. But what I received was a stern reprimand from the Mast Cell and an unscheduled order to clean the house. * * * I went to the neutrophils, who had a party. Wanted to have a lot of fun there, but the Mast Cell made it impossible once again. So we got in a fight as always and I defiantly left. * * * An influenza virus attacked the organism. We defeated it, only thanks to me and my antibodies! But no one even said thank you. So ungrateful! I'll leave you all, just you wait... Also, that idiot Mast Cell had hit me so hard on the head before the battle that I almost loaded my cannon with IgE instead of IgM. What a laughingstock I'd have become! * * * It had been too early to rejoice. A smartass type A virus got in among the type B ones. It started to actively mutate and cause problems. Really great! My brilliant entrance overshadowed everyone. So why didn't anyone notice?! Hey, guys, hey! Alright, then fight it yourselves. * * * The virus is finally defeated, but I don't feel that satisfied. A depression's coming, I can feel it. The T-Killers invited me to go with them to the liver to celebrate our victory, but the Mast Cell didn't allow me to go. Even red blood cells are laughing at me, calling me a henpecked guy. * * * After the influenza and the antibiotics the body had taken, an allergic reaction started. How I hate this! As if the cedar pollen and that steroidal idiot hadn't been enough! And to top it off, the immunoglobulin E I have to use irritates the Mast Cell a lot. She's already not the calmest cell in the world, but in this case, it's recommended to not approach her at all. And that Basophil every time, appearing and wanting to make my head burst... * * * Survived the allergy somehow, managing to hide before I could be beaten almost to death. Now I need something to relieve stress. Tried to relax by swimming through the lymphatic duct. This calms the nerves. But the Mast Cell dragged me out by my ears and ordered me to work: something had happened without me again, and Memory Cell had become hysterical. And I should go calm him down... Did I really have to? * * * I'm surrounded by idiots! And Memory Cell is the biggest one! What nonsense to bang your head against the wall and scream about prophecies for whatever reason! Maybe I should ask the Mast Cell to fix his brain? She wouldn't hesitate. Although no, better not, he didn't deserve that. * * * Fought with the Mast Cell again. She was yelling at me that my name starts with a B, because I'm a Blockhead. Yes, with a capital letter! I called her hysterical as an answer, got offended and decided to leave her and go into a follicle or even become a plasma cell. I will... I will... become the coolest of you all! * * * I really don't want to go to the follicle. It's so incredibly boring there! Also, the dendritic cell living there is always telling the same old jokes. Though I have to admit that the one about the T-Killer's underwear is quite funny. * * * Definitely changed my mind about becoming a plasma cell. Because that would be stressful, what if I die?! I don't need that! I'll better go hang around in the bloodstream. * * * I was hanging around in the bloodstream and suddenly bumped into the T-Helper. He asked me in a strict tone why I wasn't doing anything. I lied that the Mast Cell had sent me to the supermarket to buy bread. I wonder if he believed it. * * * Went to visit Memory Cell. We were sitting together, talking. I asked that weirdo how he had managed to become a memory cell at all. Memory Cell didn't remember how he had become a memory cell. Only that he had gotten completely drunk with T lymphocytes, who had made him a tattoo while he was unconscious. But he didn't have any reason to be unhappy: memory cells live long! Sometimes, their life span is years and decades! Not like other lymphocytes. Didn't want to be reminded about that... * * * Some strange virus attacked the organism. Memory Cell couldn't remember where he had already seen it. And instead of searching for data, this idiot started to bang his head again and trying to make predictions! What a freak! Watching that scene, the T-Helper asked me whether I wanted to become a Memory Cell if the current one happened to kill himself with that wall. If yes, then he would organize it without a problem. I replied that I would think about it and inquired if it was necessary to get a tattoo. The T-Helper didn't understand my joke. Found notes about acquired immunity to that weird virus. It turned out to be mumps. I dragged Memory Cell away from the wall and ordered him to help me bring out a bigger cannon. What a powerful shot! The enemies flew away so beautifully. Hurray to myself! I'm the coolest and the best! * * * And once again, I didn't know how to pass the time. Met some macrophages, who invited me to a picnic. Well, why not. The picnic turned out wonderful, everything prepared by the macrophages was so delicious. Though I'm pretty sure that I don't want to know what it was made from. Besides, I don't support cannibalism. * * * Met an acquaintance from the secretory center. We argued who was the biggest weirdo: their captain or our Memory Cell. A heated argument! I told him about Memory Cell's epic banging against the wall and his prophet-clairvoyant games, and he about his captain's rain dance, dressed like a hereditary shaman. Then the Basophil walked by, holding such a speech that we were both shocked. And decided to award the title of the biggest weirdo to him. Like this, our argument ended in a draw, but so be it. While we were rejoicing about the good result of our fight, the stress hormone ran by. We hid in the nearest bushes, pretending to be mushrooms. He's way too nervous! And we already have enough stress without him. Getting out of the bushes, we spotted Dendritic Cell. Who chuckled maliciously at us, saying that we looked great as fake mushrooms. Half a day was spent chasing after the Dendrocyte, trying to take away his camera. * * * Travelled for a long time through the entire organism. Casually helped some neutrophils to defeat a germ. Actually, I just shot somewhere without looking. The germs flew away like nothing! In the end, the macrophages arrived and praised my antibodies, saying that they were so great they could be even used to marinate bacteria to make their meat more tender. Well, I'm the best, after all! I was happy the whole day, until I was found by NK, who said that the Mast Cell had told her to ask me to return. That she was ready to forgive me everything. Who had to forgive whom here?! I was about to get offended and send them both packing, but then NK added that if I didn't want to be forgiven, then the Mast Cell had asked her to kill me on the spot. So I didn't have another choice. * * * Had to come home. Thought about telling the Mast Cell to not hit me too hard. Because she was strong, and I would get a nucleus concussion for sure. But unfortunately, I just couldn't think of what to tell her exactly and decided to hope for the best. In vain, I supposed... * * * (There weren't any new notes for a long time.) * * * Spent almost a month in the hospital. The last thing I remember was the Mast Cell, swinging a rolling pin and asking me where I had been all that time. And then darkness. The doctor calms me that my head has been stitched up in the best way. Well, in reality, he isn't sure if I'll be able to produce antibodies normally, but at least I will live. Anyway, I'm doing fine now and am full of hopes for the best, not planning to give up. And recommend that to you as well. With best wishes, your B Lymphocyte. * * * P.S. (from the author): After this, he wasn't afraid of anything anymore and decided to become a plasma cell when the need arose. And didn't regret it even once, living a happy, though not very long life.