Three Men in a Boat. To Say Nothing of the T-Killer

Searching for the disappeared boat. — The stay at the inn. — Thinking about the fact if the Basophil really has a grandma or not. — The T-Killer's fantastic "repair" skills. — An early breakfast. — The escape. Left without their boat, our four cells spent a lot of time searching for it, asking everyone they met where it could have gone. But the only thing they managed to find out was the fact that the rope came untied by itself and the boat drifted so far away that it completely vanished from the sight of those who had seen it. Some wise cells recommended them to hurry up and visit the Pecquet cistern, where all the lymph from the intestines was flowing into. So the possibility to find it there was pretty high. Hungry, ill-humored and tired, Dendritic Cell and his companions departed to said place. Their chances to find their boat were, to put it baldly, not the best. "And what, if we don't manage to find it?" asked the B Lymphocyte. "Well... I do have some alternatives planned," answered Dendritic Cell. "But that won't be as interesting as a boat trip." He forced himself to smile and tried to calm down the others. "Don't worry, our vacation won't be ruined because of that. We could rent another boat, after all." "Did you pay this one off, at least?" inquired the meticulous B Lymphocyte. "I got it virtually for free." The Dendrocyte waved his hands. "Literally for a single, tiny favor." "Really? And which one would that be?" persisted the B Lymphocyte. But the other man suddenly extended his arm and pointed at the river, shouting: "Wow, look there, a bass!" "Where?" "Oh, it swam away..." It was still a long, long way to the Pecquet cistern, which was a dilatation of the intestinal lymphatic vessels. The weather was hot and the travelers, who were already worn down from their adventures, used their last forces to drag themselves to a small but lively cell settlement. They entered a local inn, situated over a pretty nice looking tavern, and first of all, ordered so much food there that Dendritic Cell began fearing that it would be necessary to pay in kind, if his money shouldn't suffice. The landlady immediately figured out what the matter was, feeding the poor cells with pleasure and also treating them to a wonderful dessert. After that, she gave them the best room that was still free, just for the promise to help her with some things. The four guys decided to go to sleep early, so that they could resume their search for the lost boat sooner. Having thanked the landlady for the dinner, they went upstairs to prepare for bed. The "best room" turned out to look more like an attic storage room and couldn't really be called sparkling clean. But the tired travelers couldn't complain, and made themselves as comfortable as they could between the boxes and the sacks with provisions and other junk. The room had two proper beds, and in the corner they found a folding bed and a coiled up hammock. Without saying a word, the two B cells quickly occupied the beds, Dendritic Cell lay down on the folding bed, that turned out to be a little too short for him, and the T-Killer put up the hammock between two conveniently situated pillars that were supporting the roof and plumped down into it. But the tension turned out to be a bit too weak, so the Squad Leader's butt quickly became acquainted with the floor, and he rolled out of the hammock sideways. After that, he measured the height with the help of his own and went for a second try to hang it up, however, exactly as it had happened with the tent, the hammock didn't really get along with him either. So thanks to his excessive efforts, the poor old thing nearly suffered a painful, premature death. The B cells just laughed at him from under their blankets, but the Dendrocyte couldn't take it any longer and got up to help him. The T-Killer opposed the help at the beginning, but then passed the initiative to him, grumbling "Incredible, what one has to go through to get some sleep." During the night, the sleepy B Lymphocyte got up to go to the bathroom. In a hurry to return into his warm bed before the nightly cold could wake him up completely, he quickly got under the blanket. But, oh no, it turned out that someone was already lying in there. Of course, he wasn't willing to tolerate such a monstrosity and attempted to chuck the impudent usurper out. But that was harder than he thought, as the shameless subject, who had occupied his bed, let him have a taste of his own medicine, trying to chuck him out as well. Since his legs turned out to be the nearest thing he could get hold of, the B Lymphocyte grabbed them and started to pull. However, he didn't expect his opponent to do exactly the same. There was a brief struggle, until they both fell out of bed, landing not on the floor, but on top of Dendritic Cell. The latter, still half asleep, hit them so hard they flew to the side. One of them let go of the other's legs, and they successfully bumped into the hammock... The disturbed T-Killer, whose hope to get at least one good night's sleep turned out to be for nothing, released such an indescribable torrent of words that Dendritic Cell woke up completely and almost stormed off to write them down, as they were solid, honest bad language, enough to last an ordinary respectable cell all their life, with care. But the ingenious idea to note it all down quickly vanished from the Dendrocyte's mind, when he suddenly stepped on someone sprawled out on the floor. So he turned on the light and spotted the two B cells lying flat after everything that had happened. "Some maniac attacked me in the middle of the night," complained Memory Cell. "He chucked me out of bed!" "You won't believe it, but the same thing happened to me!" exclaimed the B Lymphocyte. "And I was attacked by two maniacs from above, while I was sleeping," mimicked them the Dendrocyte and burst out laughing. Feeling like idiots, the B cells started to pout and dragged themselves back to their beds. They lay down facing the wall and listened to Dendritic Cell half jokingly offering to put the Squad Leader to bed, give him a massage, tell him a bedtime story... in summary, everything the other one desired. The T-Killer's answer to this preposterous soapiness was to send him to the basophilic grandma and threaten to punch him in the face. "I was wondering..." whispered Memory Cell, who wasn't sleepy anymore after everything that had happened. "About what?" wanted to know the B Lymphocyte, being quite awake as well. "Why does the Basophil have a grandma? We all originated from hematopoietic stem cells, didn't we?" "Oh, come on! That's just a saying," answered the other one, turning onto his back and making himself more comfortable. "Yes, right, right..." said Memory Cell, yawning and closing his eyes. The B Lymphocyte did the same and they both fell asleep, without paying attention to Dendritic Cell's new struggle with the fallen down hammock and the T-Killer's colorful promises to do something not very pleasant to him, if he should lose any more sleep thanks to him. Who cared that in reality everything was their fault and the Dendrocyte completely innocent, right? * * * The next morning, while Dendritic Cell and his companions were devouring their breakfast, the landlady approached them and asked them to help her with the repair of her fence. But for that, a lot of time was needed, and they had to resume their search as soon as possible (although they didn't really hope anymore to actually find their lost boat, to be honest). And so, they started a debate, who of them would go searching and who would stay behind and take care of the fence. The T-Killer bragged that he would manage absolutely any task with ease. The others assured him that they didn't doubt that in the slightest, but honestly didn't have a clue what was worse: to send him to look for the boat or to let him repair the landlady's fence. Because who knew what the Squad Leader's skilled hands were capable of, appearing to be only good enough for killing. And not only enemies, but innocent household items as well. In the end, it was Dendritic Cell, who went off to search for the boat, and the B cells to repair the fence. The furious T-Killer grumbled "very well, then" and headed to the tavern to have a drink. "What a freeloader," complained the B Lymphocyte, rearranging the boards. "This, this," agreed Memory Cell, handing him the hammer and the box with the nails. In the meantime, the T-Killer had entered the tavern, having met some platelets on the way. As it seemed, his face looked so incredibly scary that they started bawling and ran away. The Squad Leader didn't care, instead sitting down at the best table and ordering something to drink. But as soon as he had received the mug, filled to the brim with a fizzy, spumous liquid, the Megakaryocyte appeared at the doorstep, with a look that could kill, and went directly towards him. Looking down at him with the aura of a thundercloud, she asked: "Are you the scoundrel who's walking around scaring kids?" The T-Killer was so surprised, he even choked. However, he didn't know yet how frightening a furious Megakaryocyte could be... * * * It was already getting dark, the fence was repaired a long time ago, and the B cells, satisfied with their work, were sitting in the shadow and enjoying the pie the landlady had brought them. Right as they had remembered the T-Killer and were discussing, where he may have disappeared to, the latter suddenly arrived, looking like he had been trampled down by a mob, wearing a little kid's bucket on his head. "No comment", he said, and slumped down next to them, taking the bucket off his head. Now, the other two noticed that a bib was sticking out from one of his pockets, and from the other one a rattle. "But say, what happened to you?" the B Lymphocyte couldn't resist asking after all. The T-Killer glared at him, clenched his fists and muttered through gritted teeth: "I was forced to read out fairytales!" "O-Oh..." was everything the B cells could say. Perhaps they wanted to add something more, but at this moment, the Dendrocyte arrived with some news. "Good news: I found the boat. Bad news: it's detained until the circumstances are clarified. And neutral news: they aren't. I couldn't manage to." "What do you mean by that?" inquired the B Lymphocyte. "Did you come back without the boat or what?" "Well, I tried to sound convincing, but they wouldn't budge," said Dendritic Cell, spreading his arms. "They?" asked the T-Killer. "Some T cells are keeping watch there. Reeeally strict ones!" "No worries, we'll sort this out," promised the T-Killer. "But tomorrow." "I agree, going there this late wouldn't be a good idea", said Memory Cell. "But, well... how should I put it..." "Our hospitable landlady remarked that she had something else she wanted us to repair for her," explained the B Lymphocyte. "That's just great... If this goes on like this, we'll never leave this place," thought Dendritic Cell. It had been clear to him right from the beginning that she wouldn't let them leave that easily. "Alright, I have a plan," he winked at the others and pointed at the ladder standing in the yard. * * * During dinner, our adventurers helped themselves to such an extent that they even arranged provisions. Part of the food was secretly put into sacks, as the march would be long, and they had no clue when they would have breakfast. Dendritic Cell also had obtained some water bottles somewhere and made sure that the ladder was standing at the right place before they would go to sleep. When everything was ready for their departure, they decided to go to bed earlier. However, it seemed that their behavior was looking suspicious to the landlady after all, because she stuck to them like a leech, or like a neutrophil to the epithelial tissue, reminding them of their promise... and she also asked them a bunch of questions, for example, why they needed to take so much food to their room and such. "We love late night-snacks," invented the B Lymphocyte. "Yes, yes," agreed Memory Cell. "You see, he just sleeps better after eating a lot. Because if he doesn't, he's totally capable of waking up and singing so loudly you would hear it through the entire inn." "Really loudly!" added Dendritic Cell, clutching his ears and looking at her with a tragic gaze. But she didn't fall for it that easily and assured them that the singing wouldn't bother her nor the other guests. And as an ultimate defeat move, also commented that it wouldn't be nice of them if they escaped in the middle of the night, after having promised to repair this and that for her. Realizing that she wasn't an opponent they should underestimate, Dendritic Cell and the B Lymphocyte began to blink confusedly, thinking of some other way to convince her, but then the T-Killer came to the rescue. He bravely stepped forward and, looking down at the landlady from his height, claimed with all responsibility that he would personally repair her anything she wished. To better demonstrate his skills, he quickly took the wall clock that was hanging in the hall. And before the landlady could even open her mouth, there were already pieces of it flying into every direction. "Oh..." she uttered. "U-Uh..." added the others. "There!" said the T-Killer, presenting the completely disemboweled clock to her. "And it's not only clocks," beamed the Dendrocyte. "He's a real master, who can repair anything. Do you want us to leave him a couple of days with you?" In the meantime, the T-Killer, who wasn't that sleepy yet, decided to also repair the wobbly table and a few chairs while he was at it. And as soon as he went to business, the objects fell apart with a cracking sound and their legs rolled through the whole room. "I'll repair everything for you in no time!" he promised, breaking the poor furniture for good. "No, don't!.." moaned the landlady pitifully. "But it's really no trouble for me at all," protested the T-Killer. "No trouble at all," assured his companions, trying not to break out laughing. "Oh, I remember you saying that you had to depart early tomorrow morning... Maybe you should go to bed?" she asked, trying to take the still not completely demolished chair from the T-Killer and get her estimated guests to go to their room. "Now that's a great idea!" they said and hurried upstairs. The T-Killer, having resigned himself to the fact that there wasn't anything he needed to "repair" anymore, was thoughtfully waving a chair leg in his hand and yawning loudly. They decided to go to sleep right away, to get up while it still was dark outside and scram. The T-Killer's promises to break, sorry, repair the inn's furniture had frightened the landlady, but it still was better to be safe than sorry. Besides, it was unknown what was happening to their poor boat right now that they hadn't seen for a long time. The T-Killer made himself comfortable in his hammock, warning the others in advance that if something similar should happen like last night, a good beating would be awaiting them. They didn't object, instead quickly finding their beds and falling asleep. This night passed without any incidents, if we don't count a tiny one that did happen: the old folding bed, where Dendritic Cell was lying, was creaking whenever he turned around and losing screws and springs, until it finally collapsed and some piece of iron painfully pricked him into his behind. Miraculously without waking anyone, he somehow got off the aggressive folding bed, found an old mattress in a corner by feeling his way in the dark and settled down right there. There wasn't a lot of time left until they had to get up, so he fell asleep, without thinking that he probably should put away the remains of the folding bed before someone could step on them... He woke up from the T-Killer's screams, who had done exactly that and got a piece of iron into the sole of his foot, almost injuring himself. The B cells woke up as well, groaning that it was still too early and asking him why the heck he was yelling like that. The T-Killer's response to that was another sophisticated torrent of words, where he named them, together with all of their closest cellular relatives, their intellectual abilities and everything else he deemed worth mentioning. And so on, until he finally calmed down. Since no one was sleepy anymore, the cells decided not to wait and began to get ready at once. They needed to dress in silence and carefully climb out the window without anyone noticing. Their breakfast should have been later on the way, consisting of the previous dinner's remains, but the B Lymphocyte categorically refused to leave with an empty stomach without having had even a cup of tea. The others agreed and the Dendrocyte went, at his own risk, to put the kettle on, to borrow some cups and to steal a bit of the landlady's tea, as they didn't have anything with them. Luckily, Memory Cell came along to help, because it would have been a bit difficult for only one to carry the cups, the little kettle with the tea leaves and also the bigger one filled with boiling water by himself. And it was also very dark. The whole time, the Dendrocyte was cheering himself up with the fact that if they were caught after all, they still could leave the T-Killer behind as a kind of payoff and cowardly run. What Memory Cell was thinking about in the meantime while trying to descend the dark stairs as quietly as possible, no one knew. Maybe remembering some old legends about ghosts in haunted houses, since he was shuddering from literally every creak. When they had finally arrived in the kitchen and found the tea, he let out a sigh of relief. Dendritic Cell just looked at him questioningly and hurried to place the kettle on the stove. Besides the tea, they also found some really good cookies in the cupboard. Dendritic Cell ate a few himself and put another one directly into Memory Cell's mouth. While the latter was chewing nervously, he put the tea leaves into the smaller kettle, poured more water into the big one and set it on the stove again. Memory Cell located four fitting cups and carried them together with the small kettle upstairs, hoping to not drop anything on the way. Dendritic Cell stormed off after him, holding the big, boiling hot kettle with both hands, after having wrapped its grip into a towel. They managed it right in time: as soon as they reached the staircase's top step, the door downstairs opened and the landlady appeared, having decided to check who was rummaging in her kitchen. But since she possessed a bunch of cups and kettles, she didn't notice anything suspicious and went back. Dendritic Cell and Memory Cell hurried to get to the other two, while they were undiscovered and the water still hot. In the room an improvisational table was already set, built by the inventive B Lymphocyte out of the remains of the folding bed. Accompanied by the T-Killer's grumbling "What took you so long?", Dendritic Cell and Memory Cell quickly served everyone tea and the four cells began their improvisational and extremely early breakfast, chewing as fast as they could, since they could sense that it was better to hurry. After having finished eating, they left the dishes in front of the door to avoid another risk by going downstairs, made sure that there wasn't any sound and that the ladder was standing at the right place and began climbing out of the window one after another, not even the tiniest bit ashamed by such a cowardly escape. After easily passing the rear gate, they were free. Following behind Dendritic Cell through the predawn darkness, the cells vigorously marched towards the reunion with their beloved boat.