The dark side of your heart

Lovino was looking with complete displeasedness at the one, who had turned into a frequent guest in his house. Deepening the line between his eyebrows, he crossed his arms, without turning his eyes away from the Spaniard, who was greeting him with that stupid smile burned into his face that naturally still was nothing but a hollow mask. However, he had to admit that something had changed recently in the other, even if it was only slightly. Antonio always used to carry these depressed and pessimistic thoughts wherever he went, but in the last month, almost two, during which he often came to Lovino, sticking to him like a leech, these thoughts stopped for a while, sometimes even for hours. And his smile, despite being like a natural reflex, didn't look that forced anymore. "May I ask what the hell you're doing here again?" asked Lovino like he did every time when Antonio came to visit him unannounced. Since the day the other had practically blackmailed him to not let him see his cat anymore, if he refused his invitation to a meal, the Spaniard began to visit him regularly, knowing that Lovino would never approach him on his own accord. Antonio raised a paper bag he was carrying in his hand. "I bought too many churros and don't think I can finish them all by myself. Do you want some?" he asked. The Italian had already learned by that time from various failures that it was absolutely useless to refuse and chase away the Spaniard, as, in the end, the other always got what he wanted... by using blackmail, of course. So he just stepped aside and let him into his house, where Antonio was quickly welcomed by Tortuga, who ran towards him and started rubbing up against his legs, leaving a bunch of hair on his trousers. "Hola, kitty," greeted him Antonio, scratching his head. The cat purred as thanks. "Hm, it seems like you're spending more time here than at home, don't you forget who your real owner is, you hear me?" He picked up the animal with one hand, trying to keep him away from the bag of churros the cat absolutely wanted to sniff at. "Well, if his owner didn't leave him alone and cared more about him, he'd probably stay at home," grumbled Lovino and headed to the kitchen for a big plate. They set the food on it and the plate itself on the table in the middle of the living room. In order to not have to speak more than needed, Lovino quickly put a piece of the pastry in his mouth, while Tortuga was debating, on whose lap he should lay down. Finally, he decided to go to Lovino. The two guys passed a considerable amount of time just eating in silence, until it got too uncomfortable for the Spaniard, and he felt the need to break the ice before the churros would be gone. "I could totally eat them my whole life," he remarked contently, licking the corners of his mouth and his fingertips from time to time. "When we were small, Francis and I used to go often to the bakery. Francis made use of his charms, and we always left loaded with churros. It's a miracle that we didn't get early diabetes back then," narrated Antonio, who liked talking about pleasant things but often accompanied them with bitter thoughts, as if it was impossible for him to have a happy memory without any pessimistic detail. 《I rather think that the mister, who owned the bakery, did this because he knew that my mom didn't have a lot of money... Was it maybe out of pity?》 Lovino frowned even more, devouring the churros and watching Antonio smile while eating, despite thinking that. "I would never give away free bread to a pair of brats like you," commented the Italian, offering a little piece to Tortuga, who licked off the sugar. "But we were so cute! Oh well, Francis was cuter, the ladies from the neighborhood always called him that. While I was rather..." He fell silent for a moment, thinking of a fitting adjective. 《I was the sad child, whose only wish was to be liked by the others...》 "And I was rather the naughty one," he finally concluded, finishing his churro and reaching out for another. "Oh, you poor, poor guy, being overshadowed by your friend," commented Lovino, removing the excess sugar from his own. Antonio started laughing. "You surprise me, Lovino, always so outspoken," he said. The Italian simply shrugged. "If you don't like it, then you know where the door is. And if you decide to never come back, I won't stop you for sure," he replied, making Antonio laugh again. "No, I didn't mean it like that... okay, yes, I did find you very unpleasant at the beginning and didn't like you very much for that, but now I consider it rather a special feature, you're really admirable," remarked Antonio. The other one raised an eyebrow, without understanding how someone could admire him for the fact that he told people everything straightforwardly and almost rudely. "I think that in a certain manner, it's incredible how you can be so direct towards people, without caring what they may think of you. I could never do that... the sole idea that they could get offended and leave me because of it... is very scary. While you don't fear anything." Now, the Spaniard's smile looked quite forced. 《Maybe if I was a bit more like Lovino, then I wouldn't have to go through all this... nor feel like that.》 "Don't mix it up," Lovino said suddenly and in a slightly more aggressive tone than usual. "I fear a lot of things, but being left alone isn't among them. That's why people can think of me whatever they want. As long as I don't hear any of it, I don't care what they say or do," he continued. Antonio looked surprised, hearing that, and his smile turned a little sad. "You really are admirable, Lovino..." he repeated, a bit quieter. "You give me the impression that you can confront anything, even when you're afraid. Unlike me, you're strong and don't have to hide behind a smile." His voice kept losing force as he spoke, without him even noticing it. "I'm not strong," said Lovino out of a sudden and looked at Tortuga, who was sitting on his lap and elegantly curving his spine, moving nothing but the tip of his flexible tail. The cat adopted a very solemn posture, while staring directly into Lovino's dark eyes. "It's just that instead of fearing... I chose to hate," continued the Italian, slightly leaning his head towards the cat, who raised its own a bit, as if they both wanted to reach each other. "That doesn't make me that different from a coward," he whispered, softening his frown into an unemotional, but at the same time really desolate expression. It was as though a hint of abandonment posed itself onto his face, and his eyes got even darker. There was sadness enveloping him, which ripped Antonio's heart apart. 《Why does Lovino sometimes look so lonely?》 The Italian heard him think and immediately looked up. The Spaniard also had a sad expression on his face and opened his mouth to say something, but then a certain cat stretched a bit upwards and bumped his muzzle against the Italian's mouth. Lovino put on a little smile and gently caressed the animal's head, hearing his guttural purr. 《That treacherous cat.》 Lovino heard the other man's thoughts again, but didn't understand this time what that reproachful tone was supposed to mean. In what sense was Tortuga treacherous? No, he really didn't get how Antonio's mind was working. Now, the latter picked Tortuga up, on the pretext that he wanted to pet him, but meanwhile still accused the animal of something in his thoughts. Tickling his belly and chin, he seemed to rather have the intention to annoy the cat that was trying to scratch him and to bite his arm. 《You can't just go and do this kind of things, you little rascal... although... I want to do that as well.》 Thinking that, Antonio stopped "petting" the cat for a moment and peeked at Lovino, who was taking the last churro from the plate. 《I wanna touch Lovino too.》 The Italian almost choked. He could not only hear that thought, but also feel it as though it was a bullet shot into his body. Still coughing, he looked at Antonio, whose green eyes were staring directly at him. This time, the Spaniard seemed different: it was not his usual gaze, but a penetrant one, exactly as intensive or even more than Lovino's. The Italian shuddered and jumped up from his seat, fearing that the other one could attack him any moment or something like that. "It's late, you have to go," said Lovino, trying to sound unfazed and clearing his throat, confusing Antonio a bit and making him return to his normal look. "What? But it's only six," he protested, obviously not wanting to leave and like always trying to stay as long as possible. "You think I don't have other things to do, or what? Just go already, you have your own damn house!" Lovino was practically shooing the Spaniard away, who started pouting and got up with the cat in his arms, thinking about how much, or more precisely, how he absolutely didn't want to go home. Lately, it had always been the same: every time he sent Antonio home, Lovino heard him think how returning there was the last thing on earth he wanted to do. Then, Antonio's depressing thoughts started again, as if the sole idea of being home alone was making them reemerge and with even more force than before. As though the Spaniard, unlike Lovino, was scared of being alone, of these thoughts returning to him. Thoughts about a life that didn't go as he had wanted it to, about an eternal tiredness of his rotten routine, about the feeling of being fed up with everything that would never go away, and of course, about... the exhausting task to be alright for the sake of others. Lovino was perfectly aware of that, more than conscious that Antonio hated going home, but that still didn't mean that he would let him stay and allow him to fill his shelter with his unbearable laments. Although the Italian knew only too well how it felt like being in a place, attacked by something that was hurting you. But by having Antonio with his thoughts and feelings in his house, he would be gambling with his own sanity. "Can I come visit you again tomorrow, at least?" asked Antonio, almost being shoved out by Lovino. "Even if I told you no, you'd still do what you want," answered the other one, making the Spaniard smile, who took these words conveniently as a hidden agreement. Antonio said goodbye and headed home, to his own reality. Lovino followed him with the eye for a while and closed the door, dragging himself to his bedroom, where he let himself fall on his bed, surrounded by the darkness of the room. Lying there and starting to think, like he did every time, when he didn't have anything to distract himself. His beloved silence was everywhere. Letting out a long sigh, he made himself comfortable in his bed and closed his eyes, in order to try to take an afternoon nap. However, he started remembering the things that had happened just now, and one of Antonio's thoughts kept repeating in his head, without giving him a chance to do something about it. 《I wanna touch Lovino too.》 The Italian opened his eyes again and started frowning, as usually. He raised his hand in front of his face. Why would be so great about touching him?... No, he definitely would never manage to understand Antonio. With this, Lovino displayed his complete lack of knowledge regarding social relations and how these also somehow included physical contact. In the end, he came to the conclusion that he didn't need to care about what Antonio was thinking of him nor how the hell the other's reasoning was working at all, just deciding to forget that little incident, convinced that it would have no effect on his life... or at least hoping so. The next day wasn't any different from the rest. He followed his morning routine like always, and the only difference on this Saturday morning was perhaps that his telephone didn't start ringing as soon as the sun had begun to rise. Well, maybe his brother finally had gotten himself a life, or maybe they had finally cut his telephone line for not paying the bills on purpose (if he heard that damn telephone even one more single time, he would rip the cable out of the wall with his own hands). And so, he opted for cleaning up his house that day, perhaps washing the pile of dirty laundry in his laundry basket or finally cleaning his kitchen. The Italian was pondering what was more important to him at the moment, having something to wear or a place to cook, but exactly as he was about to reach a decision, he heard someone ring at the door. Rolling his eyes, he let out a curse, convinced that it was no one but the idiot Antonio, the only masochist capable of visiting him on a Saturday, certainly under another dumb pretext. Shaking his head, he walked with heavy steps towards his door, ready to snap at him that he didn't have time for his annoying presence today, and turned the doorknob. "Dammit, don't you have your own fucking life to..." But of course, he didn't expect that his visitor (who wasn't Antonio, by the way) would interrupt him by dashing at him like the wind and trying to hug him. He felt a pair of arms wrapping themselves around his neck and the entire weight of that other person, making him fall to the floor and hurt his back. "Ve~ BROTHER!" Perhaps it wasn't Antonio, but certainly someone who could be classified as just as annoying as the Spaniard, however not considered an unwanted guest by Lovino, who heard his younger brother wailing into his ear and felt his hug that was so tight that it could crush him to death any moment. "Fe... Feliciano, get off me, dammit, you're smothering me," he managed to say, tapping on his brother's back to make him calm down and get up once and for all. "Brother, I was so worried about you! Why did you never call back, not even once? I already started fearing that you may be dead or that something happened to you. You're so mean, why are you always doing that to me?" whined Feliciano, because if there was one thing he was really talented in, then it was crying. Lovino realized then that his brother wouldn't get off him until he finished crying, which might take a good while. So he gave in and just kept lying on the floor, trying to breathe, despite Feliciano inconsolably wailing on top of him. From time to time, the older one rubbed his temples and attempted to stand up, but it was in vain. "Hey Feliciano, you're hurting him," he suddenly heard another voice coming from the entrance. A deep voice he didn't know, so he sat up in a reflexive movement, without caring about the fact that he let his twin fall to the side while doing that, and glared with eyes that could kill at the blue-eyed blond guy standing at the doorstep. Finally, Lovino managed to get up with difficulty and placed himself in a protective posture before his brother. A protective posture that hadn't disappeared even after all these years and made him look like a guard dog spotting an unknown person. The guy moved back a step, slightly surprised by that highly mistrustful and aggressive expression. "Ah, sorry for the intervention, I am Ludwig, Feliciano's friend," said the blond with a strong German accent and extended his arm to shake hands with Lovino. But the Italian just looked at it, without any intention to return the gesture, and then examined the supposed friend thoroughly. 《He's not even hiding the fact that he doesn't like me. Feliciano was right, his brother is really hard to deal with.》 He heard Ludwig think at the moment, when the latter realized that Lovino won't shake his hand and lowered it, while trying to withstand his piercing gaze. Feliciano got up in the meantime. He knew his brother inside out and was sure that the older one was already putting on his mafioso face, intimidating the other with his eyes. Although that would be impossible, since Ludwig wasn't scared of anything. "Calm down, brother ve~ " he said, grabbing Lovino's arm and slightly squeezing it. 《It's okay, he's really my friend.》 Lovino turned to his twin, who looked directly into his eyes, using their odd secret way of communication. They kept gazing at each other for a moment, making Ludwig feel a bit uncomfortable and like a fifth wheel. However, the German noted that Lovino did slightly relax his shoulders, but not his look. 《They're twins, but they don't resemble each other in the slightest.》 Ludwig thought, while exchanging looks with the older Vargas. Lovino was a bit surprised, as he had never heard such an opinion before. People often used to say that if the color of their hair and eyes didn't differ, Feliciano and him could perfectly pass for identical twins, despite being fraternal. But this guy believed that they didn't have any similarities. "Ve~ thanks for bringing me, Ludwig," said Feliciano, interrupting the uncomfortable moment of tension. The blond just nodded. "No problem. Behave yourself and try not to cause too many problems," he said. Who did this guy think he was to order his brother around, thought Lovino (although Ludwig's words were rather recommendations than orders). Feliciano showed his usual silly smile and gave Ludwig a warm embrace to say goodbye to him, which made the other one violently blush. "I will. See you in a few days," said the younger Vargas, giggling and hugging the German tightly, who returned that gesture with a lot of awkwardness and embarrassment. Though it wasn't unusual for Lovino to see his brother being that affectionate towards people he liked, it was odd for him that the younger one had gotten himself a friend, whom he was trusting enough to hug him that way. Which, of course, made him angry. 《I told him so many times that he shouldn't do that in public. It's embarrassing... but... feels nice, Feliciano always smells so good, and it's calming to feel him like this, ah... but his brother is watching us and if he knew that I...》 Feliciano was suddenly jerked out of Ludwig's arms, being dragged by his older brother, who had grabbed him by his collar, almost strangling him in the process and letting him fall on his back. This time, Lovino really seemed to be about to commit murder. The still blushing Ludwig nervously cleared his throat, said goodbye to both Italians with a stuttering voice, and headed to his car. "Feli... Could you explain me, who the hell that idiot was?" asked Lovino almost growling. His right eye was nervously twitching. Feliciano blinked innocently and then smiled again. "He's my friend, I already told you," he answered with his usual, lifelong expression, whereupon his brother crossed his arms and eyed him from head to toe, searching for a hint that the other was lying. "Ve~ you know I can't lie to you, right?" Feliciano guessed what his brother was doing, and the latter decided to believe him, since it was true: Feliciano couldn't lie to him, even if he wanted to. Finally, Lovino relaxed and closed the door, entering the house together with his brother, who looked very happy. "Alright. Now what the hell are you doing here? I don't remember having invited you," he scolded him. This time, the younger twin put on an extremely sad expression and jumped at him again for a bone-crushing hug. "You never invite me! I... was really worried about you, you know. Usually, you always call me back, even if it's only once a week, but now not even that. I thought that something really terrible must have happened to you, or that you didn't want to see me anymore," he said, lowering his head. Lovino let out a long sigh and ruffled his hair a bit roughly, as a sort of little punishment for thinking things like that. "Don't be stupid, I just wasn't in the mood," he justified himself. His brother got back to normal. "For almost two months?", he asked, raising an eyebrow. "Don't question me, Feliciano, if I say I wasn't in the mood, it's because I wasn't and that's it... a lot of things happened." "Eh? What kind of things? Tell me, tell me!" demanded the younger one, clinging to his arm like a girl or something like that. Lovino immediately freed himself from his grip. "No, I won't. It's not like it was anything interesting, anyway," he said, evading his brother. The latter pouted. "You're so mean... and I always tell you everything," he murmured through clenched teeth. Lovino turned around to him, looking furious after hearing that. "Nobody forces you to do it", he spat. His twin's words somehow have sounded like a reproach. Feliciano was visibly hurt by this, but still made himself smile weakly. Lovino didn't like that attitude in the slightest, which strangely reminded him a bit of Antonio, especially seeing how the other one struggled to maintain that expression. "I know, I do it because I decided it myself, it's just... I also want to hear from you, it's so hard to get you to tell me something. Ve~ but, oh well, that's how your personality is, I guess," Feliciano capitulated, disarming Lovino like always. "Not this again," he said, pulling the younger's cheeks without any mercy, making him screech from the pain. "I already told you that it wasn't anything interesting, so it's not even worth mentioning. Don't be like that," he told his little brother off, who was still whining. "Is that true?" tried to pronounce Feliciano. The older twin finally let go of him and nodded. In moments like these, Lovino felt lucky that he was the only one born with that curse and that Feliciano couldn't hear the truth: it wasn't that Lovino was just too lazy to tell him anything, but that in reality he never had anything good to tell. He didn't have the courage to openly admit to his brother that he never felt alright. "Ve~ Brother... But if something bad happens to you one day, you will tell me. Right?" asked Feliciano suddenly, rubbing his red cheeks. "Sure," answered Lovino quickly, watching his brother put on a slightly mysterious smile, not his usual one. 《Liar.》 Feliciano might not have been born with the same curse as his twin, but he had learned to unmask him, even without needing to hear his thoughts. They passed the rest of the afternoon cooking pasta, a dish that both of them loved not only to prepare but also to eat like it was a divine delicacy or something. Feliciano never stopped talking about his studies. He was an art student, specialized in painting, and had only recently met Ludwig. Despite his positive and always cheerful personality, it was not easy for him to get close to people, as he was dependent on his brother since his childhood. So it got even harder for him when the latter had moved away. Ludwig, a veterinarian-to-be, was an exception. They had met completely by chance, when Feliciano had brought an injured dog to the clinic where Ludwig was passing his internship. And both of them had been inseparable since. Lovino had to put up with an entire afternoon listening to his brother's talks about that guy, which was really getting on his nerves, but the younger one looked so happy that he didn't want to interrupt him (although that didn't stop him from making offensive comments about the German). Finally, the night fell and Feliciano started remembering the old times, deciding to sleep in his brother's bed. Despite the loud protests of the latter, the younger one ended up winning and slipped into the other's bed, smiling from ear to ear. Lovino snorted and also took off his t-shirt, joining Feliciano, who was lying there, ready to sleep. "Ve~ like in the old days," the other said, making himself comfortable. "I hope you didn't forget that we aren't six-year-olds anymore," said Lovino, making his brother laugh, who moved even closer to him, until they were almost pressed against each other. "I don't care, I'll always love to sleep with you," he replied, hugging his brother on the spot. "But I'm sure that you enjoy even more sleeping with that Ludwig~" mocked him Lovino, pronouncing the German's name with a perfect imitation of his brother's voice. The latter only smiled and hugged him even tighter. "That's not true, and besides I've never slept with him at all." "I can assure you that this guy would have loved to. You know, he's thinking that..." But before he could finish his sentence, Feliciano quickly covered his mouth, with such force that he pressed the other's head into the pillow. "Don't!" he exclaimed. The older one tried to say something, but it was incomprehensible thanks to his brother's hands still holding his mouth shut. "I don't want to know what Ludwig's thinking... please," begged Feliciano. Lovino frowned and removed the other's hands. "Even if it's something bad or whatever, I don't want to know," continued the younger one, embarrassed about the rude way he had made his brother shut up. "Are you afraid that he hates you?" asked Lovino, despite knowing that it wasn't true. Feliciano shook his head, slipped even further under the blanket, until half of his face was hidden, and looked away awkwardly. "That's not it... I just want to get to know Ludwig by myself. If you told me what he thinks or feels about me, that would be like cheating. I want to hear it from himself, or, at least discover it using my own methods," he admitted and looked at his brother once again, who was frowning like always and just shrugging. "If that's what you want... but don't forget that people are always lying," warned him Lovino with his eternal mistrust. "I still want to believe in them," said Feliciano. Lovino didn't want to discuss the topic any further, since he was more than aware of the fact that his brother, unlike him, still hadn't lost hope that somewhere out there existed someone as honest as himself. Despite all the years he was watching Lovino and his growing hate for people, the younger one kept insisting on having faith. Lovino thought that if someone among them both was really strong, then rather Feliciano than himself... since he was the only one able to bear one deception after another and still believe in people. The night went by calmly and like in the old days, just as Feliciano had said. Maybe except for the fact that now they both were way taller than back then and had to pay attention to not fall out of bed. But they still managed to sleep tight. Even after all these years, it was as though their bodies still remembered how to sleep comfortably being in the same bed: Lovino with his unconscious habit to cover his ears, and Feliciano with his own to place his hands on top of his brother's. And morning always arrives for everyone, including a certain Spaniard, who started stirring in his bed when the sunlight entered with full force through his window, practically forcing him to open his eyes and to welcome another new day. Antonio let out a few grumbles and groans, turning around on his mattress and trying to hide from the unavoidable truth that it was already morning. Curled up under his blanket, he thought being safe from reality... until he heard the desperate meows of his hungry cat. "Just one moment..." he murmured, sticking out his hand and letting it hang out of his bed. His pet started licking his fingers with his rough tongue. The cat realized that he won't get any food from Antonio, and thus decided to visit his new friend, who was always feeding and petting him. Almost one hour had passed, until Antonio finally remembered that he didn't feed his cat, and still sleepily dragged himself through his house, looking for him, but didn't find a single trace. And the only place, where Tortuga would have been gone to, was of course, the neighboring house. "It's still too early to disturb Lovino...", he said in a worried tone, taking a look at the wall clock. But on the other side he perfectly knew that his cat was heading to the Italian's house and couldn't allow him to forget, who his owner was. And besides, although Lovino didn't have anything against Tortuga's company, he couldn't let the cat become a bother for the other man after all. That's why he decided to go search for his cat and then maybe in the afternoon pay a proper visit to Lovino. But first, he had to take care of his naughty pet. He put on the first clothes he found and left the house, without even bothering to comb his hair or look presentable, heading directly to Lovino's home. Shivering a bit due to the morning chill on his skin, he rubbed his arms and walked faster, in order to find Tortuga as soon as possible and return to the nice warmth of his bedroom. Having reached the fence surrounding Lovino's house, he started calling the cat and making noises to attract him, but in vain. "Where have you gone this time?" he asked, scratching his head and hoping that Tortuga hadn't already managed to get inside. However, when he was already about to give up, he suddenly heard some noises coming from the back of the house. Antonio hurried there and, indeed, there was a certain cat, trying to climb towards the window of Lovino's bedroom, the only one with these thick, dark curtains. "Gotcha!" he said, catching the cat, who let out a meow, still stretching out its paws to reach the Italian's window. "You can't go to his house just like that, at least wait until I come with you," Antonio scolded his pet and looked at the window, exactly into that gap between the curtains. What the Spaniard saw there, he hadn't expected in the slightest: he spotted Lovino sitting on the bed, with his back turned to the window. He was shirtless, probably because he had just woken up, but then appeared a pair of arms, wrapping themselves around him. Antonio just watched these unknown hands move on the Italian's back, as if someone was hugging him... The Spaniard felt as if someone had emptied a bucket with icy water over his body. That sight of hands that were hugging and stroking Lovino as though it was the most normal thing in the world, made him a bit... jealous? No... not really... disappointed?... that was probably it. During the short time they both knew each other, the other one never let himself be touched, always being brusque or abruptly moving away. He seemed to hate feeling even the tiniest contact that went further than a simple conversation... but there he was, letting that other person touch his bare back without any problems, without strong reactions nor reproaches. Without shoving them away or being disgusted. Tortuga let out a louder meow than the other ones, and Antonio immediately hid under the window, when Lovino turned around. The Spaniard was pressing the cat against his body, scared that the Italian might have seen him and thought that he really had turned into a stalker. "Let's go," he said quietly and left. "What's wrong?" asked Feliciano, clinging to his brother once again, while the other kept staring at the window. "Nothing, it's just that I thought having heard something," answered Lovino, turning back to his twin, who was holding him in an uncomfortable embrace, like a leech, having his arms around his hips and resting his head on his lap. "Just how long do you plan on staying like that, eh? Let go of me already!" He wanted to shove his brother away, but the latter let out a screech, as though he was still a little kid. "I don't wanna! Brother, you're so cold! I don't know when I'll see you again, so I want to hug you as long as possible before going home," whined Feliciano, tightening his grip even more and running his hands over his twin's back, who hit him lightly with his fist on the head. Feliciano immediately let go. "Don't be so touchy-feely, why are you like that, I don't get it," said Lovino in an angry tone, while Feliciano was rubbing the part of his head where he had been hit. "What's wrong about me liking to hug you? It's normal wanting to feel the ones you love, ve~ " the younger one explained, making Lovino remember something: that phrase he had heard from Antonio's inner voice. He meditated on it for a couple of seconds. "But why?..." he finally asked, showing that he genuinely didn't understand such a simple concept. Feliciano blinked a few times, then smiled and took his brother's hand, entwining their fingers like they had done in their childhood when they went home from elementary school. They always said that they did it to not get lost, but in reality it was so that Lovino could feel safe and endure the way home. "Because with this you can make sure that your loved one is there, right by your side... sometimes words just aren't enough, nor seeing them. You have to feel them," answered Feliciano and showed him a cheerful smile that reminded him a bit of Antonio's. "You're a bit like him," commented Lovino out of nowhere, still holding his twin's hand. The other's smile grew a little weaker. "Eh? Who?" he asked. Lovino immediately let go and quickly shook his head. "No one, forget it," he said and got up from the bed, but before he could go any further, the younger one tried to stop him, grabbing his wrist. "Tell me!" "Forget it, it's no one important," objected Lovino. Feliciano put on an exaggeratedly scared face. "Brother! Are you cheating on me?!" "Of course not! And... wait a minute, why are you talking, as if we were a couple?! That's disgusting!" spat Lovino, freed himself from his brother's grip and left. The other one laughed and followed his brother, apparently enjoying maddening him. "Leave that guy, Lovino, and marry me!" joked Feliciano, going after the older one, who now seemed to be running from him. "Don't blabber such nonsense, dammit!" yelled the angry Lovino. But that morning wasn't as amusing for a certain Spaniard, who, after having barely reached home, had slumped to the floor (completely ignoring his furniture) and just was laying there, hugging his cat and hiding his pathetic face in the fur of his back. The animal had tried to break free a couple of times, but then resigned himself to be his owner's pillow. It was wrong to do that, thought Antonio, to feel like that... but he just couldn't help feeling as if his world had broken apart in just a couple of seconds... once again. But what he didn't get was the reason why he felt so bad and miserable (even more than usually). Lovino was Antonio's friend... or more precisely, Antonio was Lovino's friend, so he shouldn't get so affected by the simple fact that the Italian was sharing his bed with another person. But it did, it affected him so severely that he was lying around, waiting to turn into a fossil and breathing into his cat's warm, slim body, feeling the animal's comforting purr and rhythmic heartbeat. The Spaniard told himself again and again that he had to get up, that it was time to continue the day and smile... but he just couldn't. Just one stupid scene had driven him to a point, where his body didn't obey his orders anymore. His only wish to disappear started growing more and more as time passed. The feeling of wanting to dissolve into thin air gave him the sensation that it would come true any moment, and that nothing would remain of him, before he knew it, not even that fatigue or that pain that had consumed him to the point that he had turned into something like an empty, hollow body. Why did such a silly little fact hurt so bad? Lovino was aggressive, rude, disrespectful and had a personality that could make any person leave and never want to talk to him again after meeting him for the first time. That's the kind of guy he was... but he also had that one side, so brutally honest and without any fear to express things as they were, that had captivated Antonio. The way the Italian repeated again and again that it was okay to feel bad, that it wasn't wrong to not pretend to be strong... that part of Lovino seemed to understand him perfectly, allowing him to be himself, without expecting anything extraordinary from him. It was that Lovino, who made him remember from time to time that he could just be a normal person and not everyone's eternal pillar. Maybe that was why it hurt so much. The pain was so intense that it almost brought tears to his eyes... the fact that Lovino... was someone else's. "I shouldn't act like that," said Antonio into his cat's fur and curled up on the floor. No, he really shouldn't, he had to get up, be happy, be alright, because Antonio was always alright, even if his heart was breaking into pieces... even if he just had lost his only reason to keep enduring every new damn day... even if his desire to stop existing was becoming so drastic that it wouldn't bother him to stay there until dying from hunger. He was just... tired of having feelings... and now there was also this pain. More than he could take.